The Rains Came Down

The Death of Pretty?!

2012-01-20T11:00:00.061-07:00

The Christian internet is a-rave with this article entitled "The Death of Pretty." Most of the women I know are in paroxysms about how wonderfully liberating it is. Finally, a man who is condemning the overt sexuality of women!

Hogwash.

I submit that this article is worse even than overt sexualization. At least when men overtly reduce a woman to a sexual object, it is clear and easy for any third party to see. But this, this hoodwinks those women who escape the pressure of body hatred into eagerly reducing themselves to an object of another kind.

In many of the discussions on this article which I have participated in, women argue that this is a step in the right direction. At least he is lauding an inner quality, redefining beauty as something that comes from within.

I can see that point, except it's not true. When you read the article, it SEEMS true on the surface. But if you really look at what he is saying, he is actually redefining beauty as the illusion of innocence, innocence that is only skin deep. It is not an inner quality that he truly values. And, even if it were actual innocence, why does he value it? Because it inspires him to be better!

I think this is an iron fist in a silk glove. Sure, we can focus on the positive part of his article. We can talk about how great the silk looks and how soft it is. But in my mind, the silk is only a vehicle to disguise the objectification. He is still valuing women for their function for him, not for their innate personhood. He sees nothing about their strength, their sacrifice, their power. He doesn't find beauty in knowledge, in wisdom, but in innocence and ignorance. He lauds women who remain as children, not women who are full partners with men.

What difference does it make if you are an object to be consumed sexually or if you are an object to be consumed to supposedly make men more virtuous? What he is praising is nothing different than the old chivalrous models of women, re-emphasizing the virgin/whore dichotomy.

Sure, it's better in some ways to be seen as a saint than a harlot. But it is best of all to be seen as a person, to be accepted as a person, warts, wrinkles, occasional bad moods, and all.

Being seen as a saint only lasts as long as the man wants to see you that way. One mistake, and you fall off your pedestal. You are no longer "pretty," you are at best "hot," and because the change was due to your own failing, the man is then justified in using you however he wishes. Look at what happened to Guinevere. She had to cloister herself in order to escape the dire consequences of her objectification.

Believe me, I have experienced the entire poisoned cup of being seen as an object of virtue.

Now, rather than accepting the objectification of others, I value myself because I fought through a morass of lies and filth and emerged victorious, my faith and integrity intact. I value myself because I am strong, because I have learned to discern between truth and error. I value myself because my experiences have taught me more compassion and patience than bitterness and anger.

I am a woman who is willing to face the world alone if necessary, rather than allow herself to be objectified and used. But I am also a woman who is ready to give her mind, heart, and life to a man who is worthy of it, who will cherish and value it for what it is, and not for what he thinks it should be. A woman who loves life, and loves her friends and family with a burning passion. A woman who relies on God, who fights to accept the bad in life while embracing the good.

Wisdom, not some flimsy illusion of innocence, is true beauty.

The Raise of the Right Hand

2012-01-05T06:00:00.007-07:00

Some time ago, I became involved in a discussion involving the way local priesthood leadership was dealing with a particular issue. Though I disagreed, I believe I was offering constructive feedback as to why the approach was doing more harm than good. One of the main responses was along the lines, "this came from the bishopric, and they are our priesthood leaders with stewardship, therefore this is inspired by the Spirit," with the connotation that disagreement with the method is disagreement with God.

I have spent a great deal of thought on the nature of stewardship, priesthood authority, and agency. I think that many of us may have a faulty understanding of the nature of priesthood power, and what it means to sustain a person in their calling.

When I raise my hand to sustain a person in their calling, I am not indicating that I will never disagree with that person. When I sustain, I mean I will support. That means I offer all my available time, as well as all my available intellect and compassion, to supporting that person in their calling. There are a few callings, such as pack leader, which I do not sustain no matter who holds that calling. There are very few people I am not willing to sustain.

The nature of priesthood authority is wildly misunderstood. I can understand why the confusion happens. The Priesthood applies in different ways to two different things. First, there are the offices of the Priesthood. These entail specific callings and ordainments, such as deacon, teacher, priest, elder, high priest, Patriarch, bishop, Relief Society President, temple worker, home and visiting teacher, etc. Once ordained, these offices exist until they are formally taken away. It is these offices which give the authority to administer in certain ordinances, either formal ordinances such as administering the sacrament, baptizing, officiating in the temple, or sealing; or informal ordinances such as ministering to the spiritual and temporal needs of specific groups of people in the ward.

There is also the power of the Priesthood. This power doesn't exist if it is not wielded righteously. It doesn't matter to which priesthood offices you have been ordained, if you are attempting to exert control upon others, you are not operating by the power of the Priesthood. This power in the Priesthood operates upon the same principles as the power in the Holy Ghost. Indeed, without the companionship of the Holy Ghost, attempts to wield priesthood power will fail. I would even go so far as to suppose that the power of the Holy Ghost is one aspect of priesthood power. The power of the Priesthood is a power of service, of ministry. It enables the wielder to use the gifts of the Spirit with authority. Every time we make covenants and receive ordinances, we gain greater access to this power (which we can choose to use or ignore.)

To understand priesthood power and authority, it is vital to also understand certain basic principles of the Gospel, particularly agency. No one can have stewardship over another's agency. No matter what a person with stewardship over another commands an individual to do, there is never an excuse to simply follow without thought. If a relationship of trust between priesthood leader and individual has been established, there may be times when an individual may choose to follow without question for a time, but such obedience must always be based upon trust and love. If trust has not been established, if love is not shown, there can be no expectation of obedience based upon the offices or the power of the priesthood.

We follow every commandment of God because we trust that He loves us, and is working for our good. There can be no less in the relationships created by the authority of His Priesthood. Often, priesthood leaders don't see the whole picture, or don't understand the effects of their decisions on those within their stewardship.

In such cases, it is not sustaining one's priesthood leader to allow them to continue in ignorance. It is completely sustaining them, helping them fulfill their callings to the best of your ability, to charitably share your opinions and perspective. It is part of their priesthood obligation to listen to you with charity, to take you seriously. When they do, if they then decide to still continue on their previous course, it is with the companionship of the Holy Ghost and under full authority and in the power of the Priesthood.

This is the model for a righteous priesthood dynamic. And every time I raise my hand to sustain, I truly dedicate my time, talents and all with which the Lord has blessed me to the support of that person in that calling, including the talent of intelligence and perspective.

The Twelfth Day: My Family

2011-12-25T07:00:00.003-07:00

"On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
twelve drummers drumming."

My family is the final thing which has sustained me through my life. I truly have an amazing family. Having grown up in the military, I have no sense of belonging anywhere, no real sense of roots or connection to any one place. But perhaps because of that, my family is my connection, my roots. If it had not been for my Dad and my Mom, I would have never recognized the severity of the life I had been living while married, nor had the strength to get out of it.

For a long while, I called my mom multiple times per day to cry on her shoulder as I weathered the considerable consequences of standing up for myself. My dad was always there to give me perspective when I needed it. My daughters have been a constant source of joy. It is for them that I have been able to do it all. A few good friends who are the family of my heart have been rich support.

But family is even more than that. Knowing that I have an Eternal family, getting to know my Heavenly Parents and my Savior better, has been what allowed me to come through my trials with greater love for others, a burning desire to serve and to do good.

I am, at my core, a very selfish and self-centered person. It is something I have struggled with for years. As a child, I was always odd, marching to the beat of a different drummer, often to the point where I gloried in my difference.

But as I get older, I have seen the value in unity. When people work together, bonded by love, miracles happen. I have been blessed with it in my own life, and I intend to become a part of it for others.

If I can take my experiences and bless others who are suffering, it will all be worth it. And that is the final thing which has sustained me over the past several years. In a few short days, the year turns over and I will be another year older. I have never before felt the power of a new year the way I am feeling it now.

Next year will be new. I start a new chapter of my life, a chapter free from fear and free from bitterness. I don't imagine that it will be a magic wand that suddenly changes everything. But I sense a change coming, and I am ready to meet it.

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Thank you for your life.

The Eleventh Day: The Atonement

2011-12-24T07:00:00.010-07:00

"On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
eleven pipers piping."

Like bagpipers, the pipers to me represent strength, death and war as well as song and dance. I put the Atonement here because gaining a deeper understanding of the Atonement is probably the single greatest sustenance my soul has craved through the hard times in my life. As much as we celebrate the birth of Christ, it is His Atonement which fulfilled the purpose of that birth.

In seeking to understand the Atonement, I have gained greater and greater knowledge of my God. He is truly a God worth worshipping. Many people imagine themselves an incapable God, or an unjust God, arguing that God could be any two of all-powerful, all-knowing, or all-loving, but not all three. I argue that He is all of them, and I submit the Atonement as my evidence.

Because we are neither powerful, knowledgeable nor loving, we have a very hard time understanding how a God who COULD save us from pain, who loves us enough to WANT to save us from pain, might not. But it is exactly because He is all-loving and all-knowing that He does not use His power to save us from grief and pain. That He understands the meaning of grief and pain is obvious when one reads the account of the suffering of His Son.

"And he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be sorrowful and very heavy. Then saith he unto them, "My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me."

And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt."

And he cometh unto the disciples, and findeth them asleep, and saith unto Peter, "What, could ye not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done."

Or, in Christ's own words:

"Therefore I command you to repent—repent, lest I smite you by the rod of my mouth, and by my wrath, and by my anger, and your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not. For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; but if they would not repent they must suffer even as I; which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men."

The Atonement is not just something that Christ did for us. It is something that we must experience in our own small way. Jeffrey R. Holland put it this way:

"I have thought about this a great deal. I offer this as my personal feeling. I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are The Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him? It seems to me that missionaries and mission leaders have to spend at least a few moments in Gethsemane. Missionaries and mission leaders have to take at least a step or two toward the summit of Calvary.

Now, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not talking about anything anywhere near what Christ experienced. That would be presumptuous and sacrilegious. But I believe that missionaries and investigators, to come to the truth, to come to salvation, to know something of this price that has been paid, will have to pay a token of that same price."

In order to truly feel gratitude for the Savior, in order to truly follow Him and be His disciple, each of us must walk through our version of Gethsemane. We are all investigators as much as we are missionaries. Each of us must learn to suffer, not because of our own actions, but for the benefit of others of God's children. I believe that I am learning compassion by the things that I am living, for the reasons that I'm living them. And because of that, I will hopefully be a better disciple, a true servant of Him, which is my only truest desire.

Salvation is not a cheap experience. Glory to God in the Highest, and on earth, peace, good will toward men.

The Tenth Day: A Living Prophet

2011-12-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

"On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
ten lords a-leaping."

There is a unique tension between the principles of agency, personal revelation, and a living prophet. Most people prefer their prophets dead, unable to argue with them and their choices. It is much more comfortable to direct our own spirituality without another source of input.

When we used to teach investigators into our Church, the first thing we taught them was Joseph Smith's vision. The second thing was the pattern by which they could find out for themselves if their Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ did actually visit Joseph in the grove.

That same pattern, the ability for us to ask God directly if something is from Him or not, is not just a test of truth, it is also a way for us to learn to listen to the Lord.

I have often searched, pondered, and prayed about something only to remain confused and unsure what to do. But when I have heard a prophet speak the Lord's will, I get an additional dimension, something concrete to test and try, and often new information.

The words of dead prophets can do this, as can the words of friends. But a living prophet tests my paradigms, pushes my understanding, inspires me to question my assumptions, try a little harder, reach a little further.

I am grateful that I don't have to rely on scripture alone for the words of the Lord. A living prophet, right now President Monson, is open to directions from the Lord. Both times my name has come up before a member of the Twelve Apostles or First Presidency, I have received a powerful spiritual witness that these men are directed by God. Not only in the broad sense of directing the Church and the Lord's affairs in the world, but also in the microcosm of directing me.

Knowing that they are there has been a comfort to me.

The Ninth Day: The Temple

2011-12-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

"On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
nine ladies dancing."

The temple is a tangle of emotions for a great many people. I didn't used to understand the issues. My first experiences with the temple were beautiful in their simplicity. There were no surprises for me. I had been well prepared by my bishop and my roommate.

When I made the covenants surrounding the endowment, a world of peace and love was opened to me. Finally, I felt I was in a place I belonged.

The covenants of marriage were no less glorious. I made those covenants with determination and love. I dedicated my heart, mind, and soul to my husband. I was not a perfect wife by any means, but I gave everything I had to making the marriage work, to trying to bring happiness to my husband.

Then came the time when I realized that those very intentions conflicted. I could no longer keep all the covenants I made, but I had to choose between dedication and love to my husband and dedication and love to my God.

Since the day when I realized that no matter what I did, I would never have an eternal marriage with my spouse, the temple has lost its savor. Now, when I attend, it is with deep soul-searching, longing for understanding, pain for what I have lost.

The loss of that covenant has left a hole in me. It is a hole which has healed, but it has left scar tissue behind. And that scar tissue stretches and pulls at me most when I attend the temple.

But.

When I broke my ankle, there was a long time of physical therapy. I remember a time of about a year when I could walk normally and without pain until it came time to exercise the broken joint. There had been scar tissue left behind which caused pain only when I pushed myself. But I continued to push myself, to stretch the scar tissue, to refuse to allow it to heal completely until it healed properly.

I have complete faith that so long as I continue to attend the temple and do the myriad other things which seem to have lost their efficacy to heal, so long as I push and stretch myself, so long as I refuse to allow myself complete healing until I can properly heal, I will be able to heal scarlessly some day.

The temple teaches me that. It shows me that there is hope for progression, that the Atonement of Christ can heal all wounds. Even though I may never escape the consequences for my divorce while in this life, and worst of all may not be able to shield my children from those consequences, there will be healing for all of us who accept it. Even my ex-husband. Even my children. Even me. And that is why I align the temple with the dancing ladies.

It is enough for now.

The Eighth Day: Power Through Service

2011-12-21T07:00:00.001-07:00

"On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
eight maids a-milking."

I know I am in a transition time, a time when the price for what I want is still being paid. As hard as that is sometimes, it is also a beautiful and glorious place to be.

Watching my very young daughters learn to process very advanced life lessons has been humbling. They both have amazing capacity to determine truth and error, to see through illusions and lies, and value the good and true, even when their friends and others try to direct them otherwise. Of all the roles I carry right now, the one that matters more than all others is that of mother.

Oh, I know there are a great many people who see motherhood differently. It is quite popular right now to talk about how hard it is, how thankless. It seems that half the world despises it for those things and the other half wallows in it for them. But I see the difficulty itself as fun, paradigm-shifting and therefore painful, yes, but also wondrous fun.

Take an typical example of trying to convince my two-year-old to eat her vegetables. She is at an age where surface pleasure is recognized and deeper value is not. So I hold back the "tasty" part of her meal until she finishes her vegetables. She cries, she complains, she refuses to eat her healthy food. Dinner time is an hour-long ordeal some days. Even my five-year-old tries to get in on the persuasion, telling her sister if she just eats the vegetables she can have the part of the meal she actually wants.

A few weeks ago, I finally caught the first glimmer of understanding in my little girl's eyes. Stuffing her mouth full of lettuce, she mumbled and pointed at her macaroni and cheese with the light of comprehension in her eyes.

As terribly frustrating as it has been to fight the Battle of the Veggies, as much as I have wanted to lock myself in my room or rant back at her, that success was worth it. Not only because she finally ate her veggies without complaint, but because I know that learning to do something unpleasant to get to something better will be an invaluable life lesson for both of my precious girls. And it's a lesson they aren't likely to get anywhere else.

It didn't really benefit me to persuade my daughter to eat healthy food. In fact, I'm convinced it sprouted some new grey hairs. But it benefitted her, and will benefit her in many ways throughout her life. This is service.

But where does the power come in? It is hard to see how sacrifice and service can gain power.

I have gained additional power over my own emotions and behavior. Learning to be patient and persuasive rather than angry and forceful makes me stronger. Also, though she may not appreciate what I am teaching her now, someday she will recognize that true love is not always giving someone what they want. I hope that she will love me for loving her that way.

And, if my five-year-old is any indication, she will be more willing to listen and obey when I ask her to do something, knowing that I am asking it for her benefit and eventual pleasure. It is power over others that makes no use of compulsion, yet it is a power that is far stronger than any power over others gendered by fear or ignorance.

The Seventh Day: Eternal Life

2011-12-20T07:00:00.001-07:00

"On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
seven swans a-swimming."

Eternal life is a tricky one. Most of us think of it as something we will get in the future, like an ultimate prize for righteousness. We love to joke about how much we can get away with and still "get into" heaven. Even within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we often talk about "making it" to the Celestial Kingdom.

Eternal life is more than just living forever. It is living as God lives. Eternal life is His life. To live as God lives we must be willing to be what He is. That is not some prize to be won, it is something to become. And face it, we don't know all that much about God.

What we do know is nearly impossible to understand.

The scriptures teach us a God that can sometimes seem contradictory. We have the God of Israel, often vengeful, dictatorial on one hand contrasted with the God of the New Testament, a God who sent His own Son as sacrifice. In the Book of Mormon and D&C, we see both the God of Love and the God of Justice.

As I have struggled to make sense of the things I am experiencing, desperate to find growth and meaning in the things I suffer, I look at it through this lens of God's nature. I know Him to be patient and swift to justice, loving and demanding, mourning and joyful.

In a life which has given me limited cause for joy, I have studied this concept of Eternal Life, especially in light of the commandment for us to be joyful. I struggle every day with feeling inadequate. But to see the promise of Eternal Life, even with no knowledge of how I will realize that blessing, gives me the strength I need to be a little more hopeful.

I am glad that I have been taught to see heaven as a state of progression, not just a reward for good behavior. Because of that, I have recognized that my Eternal Life has already begun. Here, in this world. And there can truly be no greater gift.

The Sixth Day: Joseph Smith's Vision

2011-12-19T07:00:00.005-07:00

"On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
six geese a-laying."

When young Joseph Smith went into a nearby grove of trees to address his Maker, I doubt he had any intention of founding a Church or becoming a martyr. When I was fourteen, my family returned to America from six years in Europe. Rather than flying directly to our new home in the West, we touched down in an eastern airport. We visited a long series of historical sites, both in American history and in the history of the Church.

Although at the time, I was determined to seem as much interested in my books as I was in the scenery, that journey sparked a slow change in me. I stood in the room where our forefathers argued the points of the Constitution. I wandered through the Smithsonian, where the works of men over ages are gathered.

And I stood in a small, unassuming grove of trees. Perhaps for many, it was nothing but a grove of trees. But trees and earth have always been sources of comfort for me. I took an opportunity to wander off by myself, away from my family and shrill younger siblings.

And I knelt down and prayed.

That is not the only time or place which I have prayed and felt the real presence of my Heavenly Father. Because of what I experienced when I prayed, I know that Joseph Smith truly experienced what he recounted. He saw that vision, and he was later directed to found the Church that would be instrumental in bringing the ordinances and authority of God back into the world.

I know the Church isn’t perfect. I believe that there are yet many things that we don’t currently understand. I believe the vision of the Lord’s church still has some growing to do. I very rarely feel at home amongst my fellow saints. I often feel a greater communion with the Spirit in people who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Yet I am glad that Joseph had the courage to meet the call of the Lord. That is another gift which has sustained me through the darkest time in my life so far.

The Fifth Day: The Book of Mormon

2011-12-18T07:00:00.003-07:00

"On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
five golden rings."

I don’t often bear testimony of the Book of Mormon because we members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints often bear testimony of little else. But I am so thankful for the Book of Mormon. There is no end to the stories I could tell about how the words and meanings in that book have supported me.

I love the Bible, and the Doctrine and Covenants. But there is something about the Book of Mormon and the stories of the people that lived then which calls to me. They seem more personal, somehow. Often, the Bible seems to moralize, every story has a purpose. Even the D&C often has a specific point to each revelation. But the Book of Mormon is about life, about the principles of the gospel in the rough and stark lives of the people.

There have been a few times while reading certain scriptures, such as Nephi’s Psalm or Moroni’s stark explanation of his circumstances, when I have been filled with an indescribable certainty that I know these people. Personally.

The Book of Mormon is often lonely and almost invariably harsh. But it is filled with hope in Christ, with looking forward to greater things, with allowing testimony and faith to overcome the mortal obstacles to happiness. There is that in my life which echoes the things the Book of Mormon prophets have lived.

And that gift is priceless.

The Fourth Day: Charity

2011-12-17T06:00:00.006-07:00

"On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
four calling birds."

More than any other gift of Christmas, charity calls to me. After the disastrous events which changed my life, as soon as I was able to think again, I was given a very clear choice. I could not change the things which were happening to me, but I could choose whether or not they would engender charity or bitterness.

To be completely open and honest, sometimes I get one and sometimes the other. But I feed the white wolf of charity over the slinking, sneaky grey wolf of bitterness. Little by little, the feelings of compassion and love in my heart grow stronger, and the bitterness gradually blunts its teeth.

Before everything happened to me, I had been praying for charity. I knew myself for a selfish, self-centered creature. One day, I was thinking about Moroni 7:47, “All things must fail, but charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.”

There is nothing which shall prove a person's righteousness as much as how they treat their fellowman. In God's house, there is no room for hatred, annoyance, anger or bitterness. I have much to repent of on all those accounts.

The development of charity is changing me, changing how I view life, changing what I see as important and what is of little account. I believe it is the greatest of all the characteristics of a disciple.

The Third Day: Courage

2011-12-16T07:00:00.002-07:00

"On the third day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
three French hens."

The third day is courage. When I used to think of courage, I imagined a shining knight on his battle-ready steed, charging in to fight a dragon. Now, I realize that true courage rarely shines or makes loud sounds; it is found in the small things. For some people, courage is smiling at their children as they tell them their cancer gives them only a few more months of life. For some, it is speaking an unpopular truth.

Courage for me has become quite complicated. It smiling at my children until they are in bed before allowing my tears of sorrow to overwhelm me. It is going back to school. It is doing all I can to support a personal relationship between them and their dad despite knowing him for what he does.

Courage, for me, has become almost synonymous with patience.

“Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.”

The Second Day: Repentance

2011-12-15T05:00:00.003-07:00

"On the second day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
two turtle doves."

Today, I think of repentance. Repentance is another doctrine which has sustained me. I have spent many hours of prayerful study and thought, searching my personality to find the failings which caused the difficulties I have faced in my life. Most of what I have been led to change involves trusting less, learning to live with an element of caution. But I remain unable to find a definite character flaw that is within my power to change.

It reminds me of something Paul wrote hundreds of years ago.

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Repentance is not just a repentance-for something. Repentance is a process, the process that turns us towards God. As we repent, we become more and more like God until the day when we see Christ and recognize Him because we will have seen His glory in us.

I have felt this change being worked in me. Too slowly for my taste, but that is only because I have not yet repented sufficiently to develop patience.

I am grateful for repentance, to know that I can change and that others can change.

On the First Day: Faith

2011-12-14T05:00:00.004-07:00

"On the first day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
a partridge in a pear tree."

I have decided to take these next twelve days to reflect on those doctrines which have sustained me in my life. On this, the first day of my twelve days of Christmas, I think about how my faith in God has kept me.

I have had many occasions to make difficult decisions, and have been fortunate enough to have been taught to rely on my God. When I was a teenager, trying to decide what path I would take, after much fasting, prayer, and pondering, I realized that it didn't matter what my role was in life, so long as I dedicated it to the Lord as His disciple.

After that, none of the other choices open to me mattered as much. That decision colored how I chose my future career, my choice of whether or not to serve a mission, everything. And when my world crumbled, I could have chosen to abandon that faith. Fortunately, because of the support of wonderful friends, I did not.

Even now, I know the real possibility that I could lose the little I have left. But I have already come to terms with that possibility because after all was taken away from me, the one thing that nothing could touch was my faith in God. For that, I am grateful.

Faith: A Loss or a Gain?

2011-11-21T07:00:00.003-07:00

As I sat through the Primary program yesterday, I realized that I really don't belong in Primary. The ways that these children are taught to believe in eternal families, in the power of the scriptures, listening to the prophet, are not so simple for me. I believe in celestial marriage, in the power of listening to scripture. But it's not a fairy tale with a happily ever after.

We teach that families can be together forever but not how personal agency can affect that family. We teach reading scriptures by excising scripture bites that highlight what we want to say, but we don't teach our children how to delve into the scriptures, how to rely on scripture for answers they need. We teach following the prophet, but we forget to teach spiritual discernment of the prophet's words for personal application.

I don't feel like I am qualified to teach the kinds of lessons that are in Primary. I feel like I am lying by teaching such a fluffy, empty version of my testimony. And yet, it is those very things such as the temple, scripture study, and listening to the prophet which have been my lifeline.

One of the first paragraphs of "Lectures on Faith" asks the class to reflect on their lives, and ask themselves the question, "Would you have ever sown if you had not believed that you would reap?"

I don't really believe that I will reap the blessings of my efforts. I no longer have hope in things not seen.

For example, I no longer really believe that eternal marriage and exaltation are within my reach. I made a grave, permanent mistake in marrying my ex-husband. Also, I am too outspoken, too opinionated, and too "harsh" to attract a righteous, honest, priesthood-wielding man.

I do not really have faith to meet someone who can be my partner both in questioning and in dedication to the Lord. Yet, I still try to leave myself open to the possibility.

And this is just one example. There are parallels in my membership in the Church, teaching my children, and any number of other things to which I have dedicated myself. But I continue to do the best I can because, while I have no faith in results, I have faith in my God.

Through the complete destruction of my hopes and expectations for life, I have come to understand my Savior better than ever before. I have come to know His love, His generosity, His complete dedication to humankind, his patient guidance of me.

I don't sow because I expect to reap. I sow because He asks me to. The harvest belongs to Him, not to me. I hope that some of the efforts I make pay off for Him, but I have little expectation of personal reward.

When they teach the children that keeping their bodies clean will lead to celestial glory, and that reading their scriptures will give them the power they need to "win," I am conflicted. I believe it on one level, yet I have not seen those results personally. Keeping my body clean didn't save my marriage. Reading my scriptures didn't give me the power to "win" anything.

So I am left asking myself whether or not I even have faith any more. I sought, and I did not find. I tried, and I failed. I sowed, and reaped only ashes. Yet I still seek, I still try, I still sow, only because I believe in Him more than I believe in my own experience. After all, I might be wrong!

Is this faith?

Surviving Domestic Violence

2011-11-10T07:00:00.005-07:00

I have had much opportunity over the past six months to face again various emotional wounds that I sustained in my marriage. It seems that every facet of my life is offering the chance to test the limits of my healing. I have been disappointed with my inability to easily shake off the frustration and the fear that these challenges bring. I'm perfectly fine 99% of the time, but then something comes up that triggers all the old muck, and I feel like I've made no progress at all.

But as I have prayed about this and discussed it with two friends patient enough to listen to me, the Lord has shown me that I AM over it. I AM healed. I'm just going through the physical therapy part of my recovery. When something happens to stir up the muck at the bottom of my clear and placid pool, I realize that the muck is less and less each time. It settles more quickly. The twinges of pain from my healing emotional bones are becoming less, and they fade much more swiftly.

That is something to celebrate!

When I first began to recover from the nightmare I had been living, I vowed to myself, my children, and my God that I would NOT allow another dysfunctional relationship to take root in my life. I knew then as much as I know now that I have a responsibility to provide a safe haven for my daughters.

But I also vowed that I would not shut the door on relationships altogether. It is important to show my daughters how relationships SHOULD be, that it is not healthy for a person to rapid-fire from one relationship to another. That relationships should take time to grow, not be a whirlwind of infatuation spun by deceit or ignorance. That love is patience, consideration and caring, not attraction, hormones and a desperate need to be loved.

Do I need to be loved any less? Of course not. But I refuse to allow that to run my life.

Opening myself up to relationships (whether romantic or otherwise) is guaranteed to force me to face the pain of my past relationship wounds. I am guaranteed to make mistakes, to push the healing bones a little too hard. But it is not only okay, it is necessary to allow my heart and soul the time it needs to recover. Otherwise, I will just continue re-wounding myself.

While others might look at my slow pace and my grunts of pain with a critical eye, calling me hardened or overemotional, I don't need people who have never gone through what I am going through to tell me how I should be.

If they don't care about the depth of my wounds, if they are uncomfortable by the unpleasant aspects of my healing, that is not my concern. My concern is to be careful, rely on my Lord and God for support in the upcoming battles, and to do what I can to share what I feel and think so that others who live it can know they are not alone.

Someday, because of the Atonement of Christ, I expect I will wake up and realize that the pain is gone, and my recovery is complete.

Daughters in my Kingdom III, the War Chapters

2011-11-07T04:00:00.021-07:00

When I began to write about this book, it was with the hope and expectation that my predictions about it would be wrong, that my perspective would change from it. I have found it surprisingly difficult to read and to write, and the chapters about the war have been the hardest so far.

About the time I began to read about war in Daughters in my Kingdom, I began a book called Behind the Iron Curtain: Recollections of Latter-Day Saints in East Germany. This is a subject near to my heart because, no matter that I was born in America, and grew up in America, my soul lives in Germany. I don't tell people this when they ask me where I am from, because it requires too much explanation, but Germany is where I consider myself home.

The German people are stoic, with dry senses of humor. They are friendly, but private, only letting select people into their lives. More than anything, they have an inner strength mixed with a willingness to sacrifice that is unparalleled. They are rooted deeply in reality, and have learned to find beauty and humor in the harshness that life can bring. Their stories of the war can't help but betray this tender-hearted, unflinching nature.

It is this same spirit which permeates the accounts of women during the World Wars. Daughters in my Kingdom paints an image of a world where sisters wove their strength into the fabric of their crumbling worlds. Work, sacrifice, self-reliance and charity make up the core of what Relief Society should be.

My fear is that it is nearly impossible to reclaim that sense of unity. With increasing numbers of mothers joining fathers in the workforce, there is a heavy price paid which society has been able to largely ignore. When the wars rocked the economic world, when the gardens out back became an essential source of food to Americans, it was women who were able to step up to the plate and make things work. I fear that our country—and the world—cannot again absorb a similar catastrophe with as much grace.

It is obvious that these "war chapters" are setting us up to recognize Relief Society as an organization which can reestablish the skills and resources which we need. But can we meet it? I know that I, as a single working mom, just don't have the capacity to do more than I am doing. I can't participate in bonding Relief Society meetings, because they all happen during the time I must get my children ready for bed, and get myself in bed in time to get enough sleep to survive another day. I can't perform the heroic deeds these women were able to accomplish, I can barely perform the heroic deed of remembering to pack my daughter's school lunch.

This book, so far, is awakening the sleeping dragon of need which I try to keep pacified, the urge to truly bond with people in my ward, in my Relief Society. But there is nowhere for that dragon to fly. I am hoping that there will be some answers for me, but it is a hope without much faith.

I was recently told that the way I see the world (particularly male/female relations) is too harsh, incompatible with individuals who have been blessed to afford a more optimistic viewpoint. I feel the truth of that. I do not dream of a white picket fence future. Having gone through my own personal apocalypse once already, my outlook is more one that needs to prepare to face the harsh realities of life, to conserve resources, to be emotionally and physically self-reliant. I truly have little to offer the Church, or this grand vision of Relief Society which Sister Beck has sponsored. So what is the point of yearning for it?

Hopefully, future chapters will answer that question for me.

Evidence of Things Not Seen

2011-10-31T08:00:00.009-06:00

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
—Hebrews 11:1

Evidence, in a court of law, is information whereby a case is established to be true. Faith, we often think, is believing in something without evidence. So how can faith BE evidence? How can a belief have substance?

Because faith is not just belief.

"He that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him."
—Hebrews 11:6

Belief in God and His power motivates us to take steps in His direction, but faith is not believing. Faith is not knowing the path is there, or knowing that God is at the end of it. Faith is stepping forward. Faith is movement. Faith is not acting because of evidence, faith is action which IS evidence of God, His power.

For a long time, I have thought about teaching by the Spirit. Not only when called to speak in sacrament, or in a classroom, but in my life. But I've realized that teaching in a way that invites the Spirit isn't enough. Teaching people about the path, and helping them feel good that it is there is not my goal. I want to teach in a way that prepares God's children to act on the Spirit, to walk the path. In other words, I want to teach faith.

This is more than a feeling, more than a belief. It is action. And in a world of effortless achievement, teaching people to BE the evidence, rather than merely to act on evidence is a tall order, indeed.

I'm not sure how to do that, how to facilitate the growth of faith. But I want to learn.

Profiling a Serial Dater

2011-10-28T04:00:00.013-06:00

Happily ever after. Love at first sight. Soul mates. Made for each other. One and only. People like to believe in the power of destined love. And while most of us know at least on some level that real world love isn't quite like that, still we long to find it for ourselves.

We singles tend to go quickly from expressing interest to an exclusive relationship. After relatively little passage of time, we expect to focus completely on each other, demonstrating our "loyalty" and love. As romantic as this sounds on the surface, I believe it is insidiously damaging to us. I strongly believe that couples should not become exclusive until they are a scant step away from becoming engaged to be married.

I am well aware that the majority disagrees with me, so let me explain.

We should compare people when we are dating.

No one is comfortable with the thought of being compared to others. But if we have any hope of a realistic viewpoint of our future spouse, we should compare the flaws to others to see if we are willing to live with them, and we should allow their strengths to shine against the behavior of others.

We should compare people to people.

When we compare, we should compare each person to other people, not each person to some perfect standard in our own minds. We can’t help but draw up a list of things we are looking for in a spouse. But face it; no one is likely to perfectly measure up to that entire list. If we date just one person, measuring them against pristine standards, we can’t possibly treat them as real, living, human beings. Instead, we are so focused on how they meet our needs, we never accept them for people with needs of their own. When we compare real people to real people, we are able to pare our list down to realistic essentials, adapting ourselves and our expectations to reality, rather than trying to adapt reality to our expectations.

I want someone to want me over all other possibilities, not just because I’m the main possibility. I want my future husband to choose me with eyes wide open, knowing that I’m the best choice and not believing that something better will come along, knowing that I’m human, but realizing that all other girls are human, too.

Love shouldn’t grow in a pressure cooker.

When we become exclusive, we create an environment rather like the show the Bachelor(ette). There is a reason so few of those relationships work out. They are in this romantic setting, with the freedom to completely focus on each other. Outside realities of maintaining a house, interacting with family and in-laws, dealing with paying bills and going to work every day, fixing meals, etc. are artificially minimized. The same thing is true in the beginnings of an exclusive relationship. If you can push the exclusivity back until you know each other to the point where you can welcome them into your real life, you minimize the shock of taking off those rose-colored glasses.

We should take the pressure off of dating. Dating can lead to marriage, but it doesn’t have to. We shouldn’t feel like it has to. We shouldn’t feel like asking a girl out on a date means that we have to close all other doors to dating. Preserving other dating relationships until things are legitimately serious helps us from feeling too pressured, and our choices too narrow.

Jealousy is a green-eyed monster.

We should not expect to be the one-and-only in anyone’s eyes. Sure, once things get serious enough to desire marriage with a person, we should drop our OWN dating partners in favor of that one. But even then, it is wise to develop the ability to allow our partners their own lives and their own choices. THIS is true love; being able to love without expectation of returns. You should trust the person you love enough to be able to make their own choices about when they are ready to date only you.

I used to believe much the same as others in my age range. I loved the idea of falling in love and becoming involved in each other. But now, if I had to point to one major mistake I made in the time leading up to my first marriage, it was that I became too loyal too fast.

After less than six months of knowing my ex-husband, the moment I began to date him, I shut down all other possibilities of dating. I believe that this focus on him blinded me to many of the red flags that I should have noted before our marriage. Rather than having healthy dating relationships and other men I could have compared him to, I was too quick to forgive and forget his behavior towards me, which eventually developed into emotional and physical abuse.

I am determined to never allow that again. If a man I date can’t handle me dating other men until I am ready, then I don’t want to date him. And I refuse to do anything other than trust the man I love to choose me with eyes open, and to trust me to do the same thing in return. Any discomfort I feel knowing he is dating someone else, and maybe even kissing her, is not worth cultivating into jealousy. And if he can’t trust me, I am willing to accept the considerable pain of saying good-bye to someone I love.

Jealousy has no part in my life ever again.

Isn’t It About . . . Gender?

2011-10-25T09:00:00.000-06:00

Recently, I was told that I wrongly attributed problems arising from my personality deficiencies to gender issues.

Incredulousness was my first reaction. I have fought bloody verbal battles in the past, defending against feminist accusations towards the Church, and pushing those with good reason to believe they have been discriminated against based on their gender to look beyond gender issues as the source of their problems. But I have a strong tendency to take personal comments from others to heart, so I have been taking a long, hard, and uncomfortable look at myself.

I have often gotten entangled in heated philosophical and theological discussions. My dad, brother, and I used to get into them all the time, so I was effectively raised in a debate environment, where I was encouraged to not only have an opinion, but to defend it. Part of the cost of my marriage relationship was no longer feeling that I had any right to exert my opinions, both because my perspective was inherently faulty, and because “debate” was the same thing as “contention,” and was therefore wrong. It has taken me the better part of two years to again grow enough backbone to believe that my perspective and ideas have merit, and to enjoy discussing philosophical issues again.

Parallel to this, I very much do not want to see the world through a feminist perspective, but my personal experiences with men have not given me many tools to fight the fire. My few romantic relationships have been such that I was expected to act certain ways to keep their attraction and attention, without much reciprocal concern about my needs and desires. And those ways generally parallel the ideal of womanhood, viewing the world though a softer lens than my experiences warrant. Some of the men have been very good men, but when I did not behave the way they expected, there was automatically something wrong in me that made me unworthy of further association unless I changed.

As someone who was a decided tomboy as a child, preferring boys to girls as friends, it has been hard for me to accept that my primary attractiveness lies in being sweet and happy, and deferring my opinions to a man. Sweetness and happiness is not what has kept me in the Church, and loyal to the Savior. Unflinching willingness to face the harsher realities of life has. And though I have been searching desperately for evidence to the contrary since my male friends entered puberty and began talking about girls as objects of attraction in my presence, my only evidence has been with men who are not attracted to me, and who have no level of authority over me. I have yet to meet many men with any kind of clear priesthood or work-related authority or implied romantic authority over me who do not expect my automatic submission to him based on that authority rather than on the merit of his ideas or on the strength of his concern or love for me.

After being accused of reducing interpersonal conflict to gender conflict, I began to wonder if the key lies in implied authority. What if it isn’t about being a woman, exactly, but rather about being expected to be submissive to authority? After all, there are other women who are just as outspoken as I am who may be accepted for who they are by the same men who are uncomfortable with me because they have no authoritative interest in those women. And there are men who are treated poorly because they don’t submit to authority when it is expected.

I know that while there are parts of my personality that people do not like, they are things that are easily seen from the moment someone meets me. Why would someone even begin a romantic relationship with me unless they expect it will change once they have implied authority?

I passionately believe that authority of any kind should not be exercised except on principles of righteousness, on genuine love. And I don’t accept authority unquestioned until I have first come to trust that the authority figure truly cares about me, whether the authority is from priesthood, a relationship, or employment. I believe this is closer to a divine perspective than believing that authority in inherent in position.

Unfortunately, our culture carries an element of male-over-female implied authority in romantic relationships. And I have no interest in entering into a relationship where I am subservient to the will of another by default. I recently came to realize that I have subconsciously created several ways to test my status in relationships that are guaranteed to turn off someone who is not comfortable with my personality for what it is. But I’m fine with that. I’d rather know early than late.

So my critic was right in a way, and wrong in a way. I really do not believe that interpersonal conflicts are strictly about gender, even in romantic relationships. But I think that there are many interpersonal conflicts that come into play because of cultural assumptions about the nature of male/female relationships that I am not willing to accept. Because when I see those conflicts not happening, it is in the absence of authority or romantic involvement.

There is no point in belonging to a Church only to submit to another imperfect mortal’s will without questioning. And there is no point getting married to a person who believes, even a little, that it is my eternal job to defer my perspective to his, even if I have useful experience and wisdom in a matter. Especially not when I feel free to utilize my agency by the things I have learned in my life to make decisions now regarding my home and family.

Please be willing to comment. This idea is relatively new to me, and I’d like to explore its potential. I may be completely off the mark, here.

But maybe I’m not.

Seeking a Savior

2011-10-18T08:00:00.000-06:00

The picture at the right is the painting of Jesus that I grew up with. As a rather too introspective and critical child*, I remember looking at it for long periods of time, trying to feel out what in it was truly the Savior, and what was just a painting.

Unlike some, I was never under the illusion that Jesus really looked like that, nor have I ever been that interested in what He did look like. I wanted to know what He felt like. I have never cared whether he was scarred or misshapen, or an attractive, charismatic leader. What matters to me is what He thinks about me. But that's the problem, isn't it? Knowing what He truly thinks.

And it is just as much a problem for me now as ever.

I mentioned in a post some time ago that my mission president once challenged me to find out how the Lord feels about me. I was hesitant at first, but eventually got up the courage to ask. And what I felt was such an onslaught of love and esteem, that even now it makes me tremble in fear. Fear that I can't possibly live up to that much love. Fear that I could lose it. Fear that it wasn't special, that He felt that way about everyone, no matter what they do or how they act.

Some time ago, I realized that what I want more than His love is His trust. I want to be like Nephi, completely and wholly subsumed in His service, and His work. I long to forget myself, and go to work. I crave becoming the kind of person who He can trust to ask nothing of Him which is not His will.

Nephi gained that trust by proclaiming the word of God with unwearyingness, seeking the will of God and to keep His commandments. I have tried with all my heart to know the will of God, and to do it. But I am not unwearying. I am so, so tired. I long for a safe haven, a home in which to rest. And I wonder if my efforts to declare the word of God are what I think they are. Here in Salt Lake City, surrounded by other LDS members, I do not have much opportunity to declare the word in traditional ways. But I have tried to strengthen those around me, declaring what I feel to be the truth whenever it seems valuable.

But what if I'm wrong? What if my understanding of scripture and God is so far off the mark, I have been doing nothing but wasting my time, running in the wrong direction?

Whether this is an accurate picture of myself or not, it seems to me that I am acceptable to most others only when I am doing what they want me to do. When I fulfill the roles expected, I am ignored. When I betray even the smallest sliver of who I really am, the passion for excellence which is always pushing me to look deeper, they run the other way.

Currently surrounded by dozens of daily messages that I am nothing special, good mostly for menial chores and the most basic of tasks, I am beginning to believe it. What I have to offer has no purpose, no real use to others. They don't really want me to be engaged and passionate about what I do, they just want me to sit down, shut up, and do what I'm told. And I have reluctantly decided it is better to be ignored than criticized.

Time and time again, I tried to be passionate at what I do, tried to truly care in the hopes that it would do some good in the service of God. And I failed. I fail at being a good mom, a good teacher, a good employee, a good girlfriend, a good sibling, a good disciple. I can't improve my job, truly connect to someone as a friend, or nurture and succor people around me who are hurting. Everything I truly care about which I put my hand to fails.

But that is exactly where I must find my Savior again. That is where I must trust that HE, of all people, wants my passion, my intensity, my drive to do better. Even if I live my life unable to connect to others, to find happiness, I must learn to connect to Him in my failures. He is not in the picture hanging on the wall, two dimensional and easily manipulated to what I believe Him to be, but next to me, holding my hand, a living, breathing, real person.

When I feel how much of a burden, how much of a failure I really am, He stands there, telling me to forget about it. Most of the time, I have a hard time hearing Him. The voices in my mind telling me that I'll never be worth anything seem far more immediate than He is. I can't look in His eyes, feel His arms around me. I can't weep on His shoulder or see His love reflected back at me in the eyes of the people I care about. But I know He is there. I know that even if I live the rest of my days as a socially awkward failure, somehow, SOMEHOW, it won't matter to Him.

As a woman who has no trust left for herself, I find the trust in Him which I need to get up every morning, face my failures and keep walking forward. That is how He is my Savior, my King, my friend. In every sense of the words.

Walking forward is my offering to Him. I can't be cheerful all the time. I can't always see the positive in my life. I can't always deal with the disappointments I continually face with grace and poise. But in the middle of feeling like I am nothing, to keep going with little encouragement, to act on any small scrap of Spirit I can tease out of my frustrations with myself, to let go of my failures to Him, and let Him worry about them, is what I can do. And through it all, to keep trying to love and to serve whether or not my efforts are worth anything.

Because that is all I have to offer Him. And I fully intend to offer Him all I have.

* Isn't good to know that people can change. . . .

A Divine Characteristic: Patience

2011-10-17T05:00:00.006-06:00

I have come to painful realization of yet another personal character flaw. You see, over the past several years, I thought I was learning to be more patient. Much to my chagrin, I have lately come to see that what I thought of as patience was only a different coping mechanism, and not development of a divine trait at all.

Can you imagine what it would be like to be God? To have infinite love for an infinite group of people more or less bent on destroying themselves? That sounds nothing like heaven to me. So how does He do it? How does He wait patiently for us to learn the things He already knows, lessons which hurt us needlessly, hurt others immensely, and leave us miserable in a lifetime that was meant for joy?

The easy answer is His infinite knowledge. He must know that it is better for us to pass through sorrow, that things will work out well in the end. That even if we fail miserably and never come home again, it is better for us to have gone through the experiences of choosing for ourselves.

But I think there is more to it than that. I don't think that patience is divine patience when it is based on lack of control, or by killing the desire in the first place. After all, the Father still wants us to gain immortality and eternal life. He wants it so much, that He has described it as his "work and glory." So He hasn't done what I do in order to be patient.

And it goes without saying that He has the ability to completely control everything, if He wanted.

I have been relatively patient with a great series of disappointments over the last several years. Devastating, paradigm-altering, soul-crushing disappointments. But the way I've been patient is by training myself not to care, to stop desiring the things that disappointed me. And it worked. I'm very, very good at managing my emotion. And by managing, I don't mean handling. I mean reducing.

About ten years ago, I had become so good at it that I didn't feel anything serious for other people any more. They had all disappointed me to the point where rather than be upset and overly emotional about it, I had subconsciously decided it was more dignified to simply not feel. To remove the opportunity for disappointment. That way, I could protect others from the depths of my emotion and protect myself from embarrassment.

Realizing that the cost was higher than the cure was worth, I have been on a quest for the last decade to try to find a way to feel again, to accept the vulnerability that caring for others brings. And every time I have been successful, I have been hurt. Deeply. Every time I am hurt, the old defense mechanisms come into play and my mind begins to automatically immunize against the pain.

But it is enough. It stops now.

God is not patient with us because He can't control us. Nor is He patient because He doesn't care. He is patient because He loves us so much that He feels we are worth the pain we bring to Him. I want to feel that. I want to feel it about everyone, but especially those I love in my life.

I am not satisfied with protecting myself from pain and embarrassment. I want to love as He loves.

"Daughters in My Kingdom" Post, the Second

2011-10-06T05:00:00.007-06:00

Either I am particularly raw right now, or this book just seems to rub a raw spot on my soul. I don't cry often when reading anything, but when I read the story of how one woman's baby died, it hit me hard. I know the fear of losing my children. Particularly poignant was reading how, after she lost her baby, she used her knowledge of the pain to comfort and mourn with others who lost theirs!

This is personal to me. I know that the things I have experienced are a drop in the bucket compared to the suffering one human can endure. And yet, like a sock full of nearly invisible holes, I feel myself unraveling, the holes getting bigger no matter how I try to patch them. Lately has been one of those times, when I yearn for help to hold myself together and do not know where to find it. My tank is empty, and I am running on fumes and faith.

It seems to me that we don't need as much temporal help as we used to. Although finances are tight for most of us, they don't mean the difference between survival and death. However, our emotional and spiritual needs are at least as dire as they were. The problem is that we are untrained and ignorant of how to help. So when our sisters need us, we stand around uncomfortably, not knowing what to do.

Yet, Daughters in My Kingdom paints a different picture, one very similar to the other book I am reading. In the early pioneer era, as well as more recently in eastern Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall, members banded together out of necessity. One's suffering was the suffering of all. One's pain was shared by many shoulders.

When did we lose that?

Or have we lost it at all? Perhaps I am simply cut off from it, a member in name but not in circumstance or deed. Yet, that Sister Beck has released this book with its very clear message tells me that I'm not delusional. Or alone in my loneliness.

When we don't serve others, we fail to live according to the faith we claim, and THAT is the original purpose of the Relief Society, to organize relief in the name of Christ. To bind up the brokenhearted, to knit our hearts into Zion. To darn the holes in our hearts with threads of love and unity.

It is clear from my life and the story of the Relief Society that the best defense against Satan is to band together, to truly become one. The question is, how?

In the book, one woman acted on her own to relieve the suffering of those around her. Only after she had been doing it for some time did the Priesthood begin to direct the work she was doing. We obviously don't have to wait for Priesthood direction.

Of course, it all goes back to the Spirit. When we have the Spirit with us, we gain lasting comfort, we gain power to relieve suffering. When we don't have the Spirit, the waves of the world beat upon us, robbing us of our power to act.

But the forces of the world are geared to distract us from the Spirit, to steal away our confidence in the Lord. And that is where I am right now. I have no confidence in my ability to feel or listen to the Spirit. The cares of the world crowd out my faith. I have fought my way, tooth and nail, free of the things which bound my body. But my spirit is still suffering. I long to serve, but I don't have the strength. I don't have the confidence. I am quickly losing the power to stay afloat. And a drowning person cannot help another drowning person.

It is clear that the strength and power in Relief Society is to share the individual burdens of those who are suffering across the shoulders of those who are in that moment strong. When we feel at home, safe, we are free to serve, free to take risks with our own safety in order to give, because we know someone else will have our back when we need it.

But that trust is gone. That community is dead. And how is it to be revived? How are we to fill the holes in the hearts of others when our own heart is bleeding out into the snow?

I know the answer. It lies in the Atonement. It lies in the things I have discussed while sharing my experiences with abuse. It lies in bundling up all our cares and worries and literally leaving them to Him. It is in letting God worry about our problems so we can worry about the problems of God's children.

I know the answer. But I haven't yet gotten the knack of it.

"Daughters in My Kingdom" Post, the First

2011-09-30T08:00:00.007-06:00

I am trying very hard to read this book with an open mind. It is difficult, because I had an extremely hard time with the Young Women's program and my antipathy has more or less translated to Relief Society. I begin to read the book with two expected possible paths before me. Either I will love the book and be frustrated that the real world is so far from it and I don't know how to change it, or I will be frustrated that what the book describes is hopelessly fluffy and unrealistic. However, I am reading it with faith that there may be a path I haven't yet seen, and trying to pick out whatever good I can. I am also reading it slowly, to make sure I don't miss anything.

So far, I have two impressions that I would like to share. First, I am delighted to discover that in the beginning, Relief Society membership was not automatic with Church membership. Rather, there was a grueling application process, and only those deemed to be genuinely engaged in the work were accepted.

I like this idea because I believe that the purpose of Relief Society (ostensibly to provide relief to those who are in need, in the name of the Lord) has become watered down by those who are not engaged in it. (Me, included, I'm afraid.) When things such as Visiting Teaching and Relief Society membership are base-level and mandatory, they lose a great part of their value. What purpose is there in being visited by women who are visiting you because they want to turn in their numbers for the month? What good does a home-cooked meal do when it is an expectation, and not a gift? (Particularly when things such as Little Caesar's Hot-N-Ready $5 pizza or frozen supermarket dinners are possible.)

I have never been a fan of busy work. I think that service projects should be a vehicle for learning charity, not an item on the list that is crossed off. I am slammed with my single working mom life. Despite being disgustingly busy, I would happily make time and find money to make a meal or clean the house of someone in the ward who is genuinely in need, but I find myself unable to muster the same zeal to make a meal for a woman who has just had a baby, her husband, and her six visiting adult family members. Or donate money to a wedding gift for a Relief Society Sister's child whom I have never met.

Things like that make me grumpy.

If the Relief Society had ACTUAL, PURPOSEFUL, relief-driven, problem-solving meetings, I would participate gladly. Rather than being deeply grateful that I have been assigned to teach in Primary so I don't have to sit through one more insipid "lesson" on the "gospel," even though I really don't like teaching 11-year-old smart-mouths.

The second thing that I have been impressed with is that originally, Relief Society efforts were voluntary, tailored to the individual skills and inclinations of the women. Not everyone was asked to canvass the neighborhood, or knit socks, or sew clothes for the temple workers. Each one was able to contribute to the overall temple building effort with HER skills, and what SHE was comfortable doing. I never in a million years would want to go to non-member merchants and ask for cloth donations, but I would have been happy as a clam sitting in the corner and knitting socks, or making home-cooked meals.

The point is that a problem was presented to the Society, and each woman was able to chime in with what she, personally, could do to help the effort.

My greatest dream is to someday belong somewhere where I can use what I am good at, what I like to do, to contribute to the group, somewhere I could be a working, contributing member of a whole. I have never felt that in my life. But it sounds to me that the Relief Society used to be just that.

And that is a Relief Society to which I would want to belong.

What Is Real(?)

2011-09-22T14:00:00.012-06:00

I put the phone down and lean my head against the steering wheel. Rachel* from DCFS just told me that my five year old needed counseling because of the story she told about seeing an inappropriate movie at her dad’s house. Either way, true or fiction, the “dynamic” between my ex-husband and me was probably causing her stress that she needed to talk out.

Despite my best efforts, I feel the tears in my eyes, the familiar tight burning of fear. I want to tell her that it isn’t a dynamic. His abuse. The ugly, dirty word that has transformed my life from that of a rather selfish, but well-intentioned young adult to a thirty-two-year-old woman who has learned to accept that there will always be fear in her life.

But I know by experience that speaking that word, telling the truth, does little good. I am not believed. To them, what I have survived is always at least partially my fault. I participate in the “dynamic.” I help create stress for my daughters. I am only speaking out of anger or viciousness, never because it is the truth. If only they knew how hard it is for me to say that word, how humiliating.

Another day, I click open a blog post. It is another criticism of “the Church.” I feel defeated. I know I won’t comment, but still I read, hoping to learn. It is a typical blog post. Women should have the priesthood, we should focus more on Christ, men don’t get enough attention. Singles don’t get enough attention. The leaders said too much. Not enough. It doesn’t matter what it is, except it is about how the Church should change.

I read it. Click it closed. There is nothing I could do or say to have any effect. I know what I feel, I know what is true, but there is no way to be believed unless they were to see what I have seen, experience what I have.

It is possible that I’m wrong. I might be the crazy, hateful ex-wife he paints me to be, though even after nearly three years the only thing I feel is fear, not anger. All the things I remember happening could be delusion. Maybe I really have made it all up. Maybe I’m still making it up.

It is possible I am wrong. That the God I have felt and experienced is nothing more than illusion. It is possible that all the difficult things relating to the Church really do betray more than simple human weakness. But I know one thing. All I can do is hold on to what I know.

I was abused.

God is real. He leads the Church.

I am believed and loved by Him.

*name changed

Why 9/11 Isn't Such a Big Deal

2011-09-12T08:00:00.014-06:00

I'll start with the disclaimers. 9/11 is a big deal. Roughly 3000 people died quickly while people watched on camera in a way that was shocking for most of the world. People's husbands, fathers, etc. died when they had every expectation of returning home that evening. That is heart rending, and I respect that.

But I can't help but notice that everyone else seems a great deal more affected by it than I was. So, I've been trying to analyze why my heart and mind is relatively unscathed by 9/11, outside of the obvious reason that no one I know personally was killed.

I had been in Germany for just over three months as a missionary when it happened. I was at the end of my "greenie" assignment, in my very first area. I did not get on with my trainer particularly well, and was having a hard time adjusting. We only had one American family in our branch. Ironically, we were scheduled for lunch with her and her son that day. She took us to a German interpretation of a 50s diner, complete with a pink Cadillac converted into a center table. There were televisions in the corners. They watched in avid horror as the stations replayed the footage of the Twin Towers attacks again and again. I watched relatively dispassionately. The Germans in our area expressed their condolences for several days afterwards. Forget sharing the gospel, everyone wanted the voyeuristic glimpse into our feelings about the attacks.

None of my illusions were shattered that day. Perhaps not all military brats feel the way I do, but I was raised learning how to duck and cover. I was taught biowarfare and chemical warfare emergency plans alongside reading, math, and social studies in elementary school. My dad taught us how to blend into our local surroundings, so we did not stick out as Americans. I went to high school my Freshman year behind razor wire and Security Police. During the Gulf War, I had to get through the dogs and mirrors routine of Alpha security in order to get home from school every single day. I know what can . . . and can't . . . be done about these things. And I was impressed deeply with the understanding of my own vulnerability. Once you have lived through two live bomb threats, you cease to be as shocked.

I grew up knowing that the U.S. was vulnerable.

So when I watched the planes hit the Twin Towers, when I heard reports about the other planes, I mostly felt relief that it wasn't footage of masses of people dying on American soil from E. bola or some other rapid incurable disease. I was grateful that it wasn't a nuclear bomb, with radiation affecting our genetics for generations.

3000 people is certainly tragic. But put it into perspective. In the U.S., half that many women die each year at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends, which means 15,000 have been victims of intimate partner homicide since 9/11. There is an estimated 1,500 child abuse fatalities and 18,000 permanently disabled each year. More than five times the number of people killed in the 9/11 attacks are killed every year in alcohol related crashes. Six times that many die from drug overdoses.

The real enemy is not a few terrorists running planes into our towers, showy and frightening as they may be. The real enemy is our neighbors . . . ourselves.

And that truly frightens me.

I Hate the Term "Chicken Patriarch"

2011-09-02T08:58:00.000-06:00

It is demeaning and inaccurate. It mocks men who are trying to be righteous, and women who are trying to understand. It betrays a smug superiority. It belittles righteousness. And it doesn't even describe what it labels very well, making it sound like the decisions are made through fear and not respect.

That is all.

How to Teach Sensitive Topics

2011-08-29T06:00:00.012-06:00

In a not-so-recent blog post, Tracy M. discusses the pain she feels when marriage and family is taught in Church. As a single mother myself, I understand the pain, but I strongly disagree with the post.

One of the suggestions which is made is that we as a church should "teach only Christ." What is that supposed to mean, anyways? Teach about Christ and the events His life? Because while useful for grounding in the Gospel, it's not enough to teach about Christ, you have to teach how to become like Christ. That comes with navigating all the prickly non-ideals. And sometimes, discussing the ideals can hurt those of us who find ourselves unable to live up to them. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be taught.

I don't think that minimizing pain should be a significant goal when teaching gospel principles. Taken to the end of that logic, we would never teach any modes of behavior for fear of offending someone. The Gospel is a gospel of change. It is supposed to prick us a bit, goad us into changing our lives to be more like Christ.

In my mind, there is a way to teach the ideals that allows for those who cannot attain it. In a standard 30 minute lesson to those who have already heard the principle:

Teach the ideal. (5 min.)
Open up discussion on what constitutes ideal. (9 min.)
Acknowledge that almost none of us match up to the ideal. (1 min.)
Open discussion to how we as humans don't match the ideal and what we can do to reach or deal with not being the ideal, guiding the discussion to tie back into those Christlike attributes that apply. (14 min.)
Sum up the discussion. (1 min.)

This method of teaching helps us develop coping skills, and skills necessary to become more like God. But it also helps us develop compassion for those who are not perfect (which is all of us.)

The talk I gave in sacrament meeting yesterday addressed the fact that if we are truly dedicated disciples of Christ, we would welcome and seek out correction. Rather than wallowing in guilt for imperfection (because we would already know we are imperfect,) we would seek the Spirit's direction for us, personally.

With something like eternal marriage, I understand the pain. Marriage takes two, and sometimes (often, unfortunately,) things happen to snatch the blessings of a good marriage away. But my experiences in failed marriage have given me a greater appreciation of the doctrine of eternal marriage. Having tasted the bitterness of an unrighteous relationship, I hope I am better able to discern what makes a righteous marriage. And I know that I'll appreciate a good man when and if I find him, because I know how bad it could be.

True, I often feel the pangs of loss when eternal marriage is discussed. But please, please don't stop teaching it!

The Cure for Self-Hatred

2011-08-15T10:15:00.005-06:00

I wrote a post more than three years ago which continues to bring a significant number of people to this blog. That post was about self-hatred, a problem that I seem to run into again and again in myself.

Faced again with the same personality problem I so often have, a problem that threatens my friendships, my employment, and my relationship with God, I am trying to learn what I need to change to be liked and accepted for who I am. But I have not met much success. I pray and plead and struggle with the Lord, but the only answers that occur to me are things that I can't change without losing the good parts of myself. I know this, because sacrificing my personality to keep the peace and to be liked and valued is precisely what I did in my marriage that fed the abuse dynamic.

In the end, the only answer I seem to get from the Lord is to have faith.

And that is the only answer I have for you, dear hurting souls who come here for answers. I wish I could hug you all and let you know that who you are can be beautiful. As much as it hurts to live in your skin, it is skin you were given for a reason. Have faith that all will be made clear when it is time. Have faith that the Lord needs you exactly as you are in order to work His great purpose.

Your personality traits are not sins. Don't let the less aesthetically pleasing gifts that God gave you become the means for separating yourself from Him. If there is anything you need right now, here in mortality, it is the sense that God is there and that He loves you. And as long as you are putting yourself down in your mind, and letting the arrows of others puncture your heart, you cannot also feel His love.

Armor yourself with His regard for you. Ask Him how He sees you. It is frightening, I know. But I have found that if I do that every day, the arrow wounds don't hurt as long. They heal more quickly.

And eventually, you will find your soul's tribe, the people who value you for everything that you are. Believe it.

Don't Marry Me for Who I Am

2011-08-10T03:00:00.002-06:00

I hear so often the advice, "Marry someone who loves and accepts you for who you are."

It sounds like great advice. With abuse in my past I know better than many that you shouldn't change yourself to impress or please another person. But the more I think about the entire meaning of that phrase, the less I like it.

Who am I right now? Well, I have a temper. I'm emotionally awkward. I repeatedly fail at charity. I often don't know the Lord's will, and I often misinterpret it. I could stand to lose some weight, certainly. I'm unhappy with my job, and not particularly pleased with the path my life has taken. I haven't accomplished any of the things I want to accomplish. The old wounds of emotional abuse still pull at times. I have a very hard time knowing when to shut my mouth. I'm impatient. Sometimes I yell. I have a hard time listening.

Now, lest you think I am putting myself down, I hasten to assure you that I am not. These are things that I know I am, and have accepted as part of my Work In Progress status. I'm sure there are bad characteristics which I haven't yet ferreted out about myself. But I have a lot going for me, too.

The point is that I DON'T like myself for who I am. I have a lot of rough edges, and could still use a good deal of polishing. I expect I probably will for the rest of my days. But I want someone who loves me for who I'm trying to become, not for who I am. I want someone who can allow me to change, to grow and adapt. And even allow me moments of imperfection and weakness. I don't want someone who puts me on a pedestal and believes I can do no wrong. That is for fairy tales and obituaries.

I am not satisfied with someone who loves me for who I am. I want someone who loves me for who I am becoming.

"Mormon" and "Christian" Are Different

2011-08-08T13:00:00.006-06:00

Some say that the LDS Church is hypocritical when claiming the "Christian" title despite others' refusal to grant it to us and, at the same time, separating ourselves from other groups (such as the FLDS) who call themselves "Mormon."

Although I don't begrudge the title of "Mormon" to anyone who believes in the Book of Mormon as scripture, I do want to point out that the difference in labeling is not as inconsistent as it seems. It all has to do with connotative meaning. The label "Christian" has been around for about two thousand years. It has weathered many splinter groups of Christians, and has a healthy history of being applicable to many different groups.

"Mormon," on the other hand, is only a few hundred years old, and is generally used to mean one particular group, namely the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I don't mind if anyone who believes in the Book of Mormon calls themselves "Mormon" if they like. But I do have a problem with someone telling me I am a polygamous wife simply because I am a Mormon. Just like I have a problem with people telling me I have to believe in the Nicene creed simply because I call myself a Christian.

Let Her Be Silent

2011-08-02T23:00:00.010-06:00

I have a very hard time holding my tongue. By nature, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Because of this, I have been easily used by some people. For a long time, I closed up the walls of my heart completely. When I was about twenty years old, I realized this flaw in myself. It took me many years and much prayer to learn how open up at all. And, when I do, I am not always wise about who I open up to. Staying open is often a struggle.

Because of this, if I have opened myself to someone, I am extremely sensitive to rejection or to being overly enthusiastic and becoming a burden on those around me.

This is just as true with sharing the gospel as it is with sharing any of my other thoughts or feelings, which is perhaps why I enjoy written fora online. Online, I can usually speak without forcing myself on anyone.

And while we have been commanded to speak, I don't think that opening our mouths is always the best option. Even Jesus knew when not to speak. And, of course, there are always the charming discourses by Paul about a woman's need to be silent.

I have noticed over the past few years that the Lord seems to be trying to teach me discernment in knowing when to speak and when to be silent. At work, I have created trouble by my overeagerness to help. In personal relationships, I either speak too much or not enough and perpetually embarrass myself. At church, my tendency to speak too much leads to distrust. And there is a current theme in my life on all fronts that urges me to be still, to just stop speaking.

I have very dear friends who have been a vital support to me in my life. They are members of my faith, but neither of them are active. And while the general direction from the Lord is to open the mouth and testify, with them I am feeling that I should just continue being their friend, no matter how much I long to open my mouth and testify of His love.

Perhaps, for once, I am able to open my heart and stand as His witness without saying a word.

Vitamins Aren't Enough

2011-07-31T11:30:00.001-06:00

I sit in sacrament meeting, watching a couple in our ward report on yet another mission and wondering why it irritates me. Shouldn't I be glad they are serving? They are only doing what the Lord has asked (as they point out several times in their talks.)

I don't know exactly why I feel so tense and distressed. They speak of how much the Lord loves the people in wherever-it-was-they-just-got-back-from. Which is true, I know that is true, and the thought brings me joy. So what is my problem?

My thoughts wander. I remember that I forgot to give my daughters their vitamins that morning. And, as I usually do when I think about vitamins, I remember my best college friend and her work with vitamins and herbal supplements during her Masters study.

She told me how, because herbal supplements and vitamins weren't regulated by the FDA, they varied wildly in effectiveness and intensity. Vitamins can often only be absorbed and used by the body when taken with other substances which are often found alongside them in natural forms, but are hard to identify and include in supplements. And, because herbs vary incredibly in chemical content by how they are grown, it is difficult to predict dosages in natural supplements. Sometimes to highly detrimental effects.

I think of a friend from some time ago who was prescribed the wrong herbal supplement by a doctor, putting her at risk of fatal cancer.

I think of a woman I met suffering from anemia, though she was taking iron supplements enough to make herself sick.

I have been as consistent with personal scripture study as I have been about taking vitamins. Nor have I lately pushed my prayers through rote recitation and towards meaning and connection with God. And I often fear I am not teaching my daughters the things that I know will nourish them throughout their lives. Even though I read scriptures with them every night, we are in the Isaiah chapters and I know they don't understand what they are repeating back to me. And though they love to pray, I don't know if they understand that they are supposed to be speaking with God.

And while I do speak with God often, I feel anemic myself. I don't connect with scripture the way I long to connect. I don't connect with my fellow saints much at all. It is as if I'm taking in all the things I should be, but I am unable to absorb them. And I hunger for the real nourishment of the Spirit.

Feeling the full force of my disconnectedness, I listen to the Bishop thank the couple for their service and give them their missionary plaque. And I wonder what I am missing.

Young Women's Values—Integrity

2011-07-28T10:00:00.007-06:00

Integrity: moral uprightness, the state of being whole and undivided

I have been putting off this particular value because it has always been my favorite, and because until fairly recently, I've been feeling anything but whole and undivided. Or morally upright, to be honest.

I have learned something now about integrity. For reasons obvious to those of you who have read my blog, the past two and a half years have been full of pain and grief for me. I experienced a marriage which completely shattered who I was. Things that I thought were a part of me were lost, and I had to do something I swore to myself I would never do: end my marriage which had been started in the temple of my God. For this reason, I found myself with a lack of words to express what I feel about living a life of integrity.

I know that many interpret integrity to mean, at least in part, chastity. But when I think of integrity, I think of a white knight, a woman who stands tall, sword and spear in hand, ready to protect and defend what she believes in. Integrity is about moral fiber, about the strength to try to stand while buffeted about by the winds of evil. Integrity is being and becoming what you believe in, no matter the price. Virtue (which will be the final installment of this series) is finding the right things to believe in.

Long ago, and many times since, I have come to certain choices in my life which were clear. I could either choose to hold on to what I knew about God, or I could give up. It frightens me to think how close I have been to giving up. But, blessed be the Lord, I have been able to hold on long enough for support to come, usually from family and friends.

The essence of integrity is found in the words of three valiant men who, surrounded by those who oppose them, nonetheless accepted the consequences of their integrity. Faced with painful death, they answered the king who demanded their capitulation, "We are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so [that you kill us], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." (emphasis added)

When I faced the loss of everything I love, I sank down into despair. I knew that by doing what I felt was right, I could lose it all. I feared that the Lord would not deliver me. But in combing through the pieces of my heart, I found a diamond of truth which would not be destroyed. I knew that even if the Lord did not deliver me, He is a just and loving God. I knew that I would trust Him no matter the consequences. Like the three men in Daniel, the Lord delivered me from some of what I faced. And, after months of agony, I felt myself healed almost overnight.

And though I was wounded, I am no longer broken.

Rights vs. Responsibilities

2011-07-21T07:00:00.001-06:00

This is an amazing post on entitlement that deserves some discussion.

He addresses it in a business sense, but in what sense could it be applied to our relationship with the Lord? With our families?

Is Being a Wife, Being a Sex Slave?

2011-07-19T08:00:00.010-06:00

Pornification Nation (Warning: Explicit Descriptions)

This article beautifully illustrates the effect that pornography has on women from a non-LDS Christian. By definition, pornography objectifies women and increasingly degrades them.

And that is an effect that happens regardless of whether or not a man is married, or a couple consumes pornography together.

How can we not see this?

And how can we not see how this is affecting women within the LDS church? I have experienced many conversations with LDS women about lingerie and how it is our responsibility to turn ourselves into visual objects in order to attract our husbands post-marriage. Is it really true that men are only attracted to visual stimuli?

Is it really true that being a wife means being a sexual slave?

Why is it so wrong for a woman to want to attract her husband on virtue of who she is instead of how "sexy" she is? Or to want to engage in intimacy only when she is feeling intimate?

Is there any way to have a healthy romantic relationship with a man without objectifying oneself?

Apostasy and the Commandment to Forgive, Part 3

2011-07-18T04:00:00.023-06:00

Apostasy and the Commandment to Forgive, Part 2

Jesus explains in Matthew 18:15-18 the process of what to do if one of Christ's disciples (ostensibly a member of the Church) should trespass against you. First, you should discuss it with him, then if he does not listen, involve the church, and then if he does not listen to the church he is no longer your brother in the gospel (v. 17). I believe this means that you still treat him with respect, but no longer trust him to behave as a disciple should behave. The Lord also gives the church the power to "bind and loose". In context, this would seem to mean that the church has power over membership covenants.

Peter then asks how often a person should be forgiven. Christ says, essentially, that we are to forgive ALL debts we hold against someone because we are debtors to Him.

Which brings me to a very personal illumination of forgiveness.

My ex-husband did many things to me while we were married, and still does to this day. The consequences of his actions affect me at times. This is not one isolated act, but an ongoing attempt to abuse which I have no choice but to expose myself to on some level because we have children together. Every time he attacks me verbally or emotionally, I have to go through the process of forgiveness again. If I don't, it affects other parts of my life. Fortunately, the Lord has blessed me with increasing strength that makes it easier and easier to forgive. I have hope that some day not far distant the forgiveness will be seamless.

However, the Spirit has taught me quite strongly that this does NOT mean that I have to allow my ex-husband extra access to me. Although he believes that I am cruel to him, it has been empowering to learn how to draw boundaries. Gradually, I am coming to understand that drawing boundaries and setting limits to others' abuse of me is not a lack of forgiveness, nor is it cruel.

There was a time I pled with my Lord to open up a place for forgiveness in my heart. I was distraught with feelings of failure and worthlessness as a direct result of real pain to others I so frequently cause in my thoughtlessness. As a small part of that, I berated myself for feeling angry towards my ex-husband for his actions against me and my daughters. Quite clearly, I was taught by the Savior that feeling pain and anger did not necessarily reflect a lack of forgiveness. Words came into my mind, "Do you trust me?" I knew that I did. "Then trust me to handle the debt he owes you and the debt he will owe to your daughters, and in return, I will pay all the debt which you owe to those you hurt."

I would like to say that it was exhilarating, but although I felt lighter, it was deeply humbling. For the first time, I understood what the Atonement meant. He is literally a mediator, assuming upon Himself the debts of us all. I knew it was no longer my concern whether or not my ex would continue to take advantage of other people or to try to hurt me, that His grace was sufficient to cover all of it.

This is not to say I don't still have moments of frustration and despair. But, like a life preserver, my faith in the Atonement always helps me float to the surface again.

This has parallels and contrasts with those who are going through excommunication. Although I have never been a part of a disciplinary council, so my personal experience is slim, Mosiah 26 (beginning in v. 28) makes it clear that the church is to forgive all transgressors and sinners who are not in open rebellion. This means that generally, only those who are unrepentant are eventually excommunicated.

Do disciplinary councils make mistakes? Perhaps. But in every case of excommunication I have heard (solely from their mouths, as I have never heard anyone else discuss the process,) the person refused to see the wrong in what they were doing. Excommunication is not punishment, no matter what the excommunicated might think. But it is a necessary drawing of boundaries that can be done in a spirit of forgiveness.

One final thought in verse 39 of Mosiah which I found interesting was that those who remained members were still "admonished". In Revelations and in D&C the Lord makes it clear that those He loves may be rebuked at times. It is how we take that chastening that distinguishes His sheep from wolves or goats masquerading as sheep.

I am glad, even so, that I do not have to be the one to discern the difference.

Apostasy and the Commandment to Forgive, Part 2

2011-07-13T10:00:00.003-06:00

Apostasy and the Commandment to Forgive, Part 1

As I said in the previous post, the "little child" spoken of in Matthew 18 is not a literal child, but is one who has humbled themselves as a little child in Christ's service. Also, Alma in Mosiah 26 was faced with the same problem that many discuss today: when a dissenter within the Church should be excommunicated. I am also comparing this to what I have learned in the process of divorcing the husband with whom I once covenanted before God.

It is important to note in Mosiah 26:14 that Alma poured out his whole soul in prayer because he was afraid of sinning before God. He knew what a delicate situation it is to excommunicate a member of the body of Christ. It is, much as illustrated in Matthew, like plucking out one's own eye or cutting off one's own foot.

But, as Christ illustrates in both chapters, it is sometimes necessary to do just that. Those who hear Christ's voice, and humble themselves in His service are His sheep. These are they whose primary work in this life is the Savior's work. When they move throughout their day, they consecrate their actions to the Lord. To them, He promises eternal life.

In contrast, those who do not know Him, who do not have the desire to serve Christ, should not be His sheep, and should not be baptized into the Church. (Mos 26:28)

There are similar criteria by which forgiveness is granted. (v. 31) When a person says they repent, we are to forgive them. In my marriage, there were several times that my husband frightened me or betrayed me. Most of the time, he would exhibit repentant behavior in the form of gifts (usually a gift of time spent with me, flowers, or similar tokens.) At times, he would even take steps to make what he had done wrong right again. I would forgive him and literally forget about it.

But then the Lord says that if they do not repent, they will not be numbered as disciples of Christ. (v. 32)

Now this is not without consequence. In Matthew, the Lord teaches as well that when a member of ours offends us, we are to cut it off. But He does not promise that this will have no effect on us. To the contrary, He teaches that, "it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire." We often interpret this to mean sins, but one of the many tiny steps the Spirit led me through in my journey was to show me that this relates to family members as well.

The Spirit taught me (with much tearfully heated discussion, I might add) that in the case that someone of your family is abusing you and is not repentant (as was the case with my ex-husband after the final time he attacked me physically) it is better to cut that part of my soul free than allow it to continue to degrade me and block me from the Lord.

And I can promise you that although I have a deep fear of being maimed, I would rather have lost an eye and obtained a marriage that was loving than have to amputate my covenants. And while I feel the ache of what I am missing from time to time, I can testify that what Christ said is true. At least now, I am not in danger of being utterly consumed, and I am free to rebuild my faith. No matter how painful that rebirth is.

One thing I find deeply interesting is in Matthew 18:10-11.

Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

How could this be referring to children? For they are not lost. It is those of His disciples who have had to maim themselves in His service who are the lost sheep. It is those who are on the edges of the herd, feeling unworthy to be in the thick of the flock because of their visible scars. It is not those who willingly leave the flock, but those who wander unintentionally, unnoticed. In these broken souls, the Lord finds joy at their safe return.

In my next post, I will discuss a little more specifically the use of charity in cases of excommunication, and the difference between sheep and wolves in sheep's clothing. I will also outline forgiveness and what it REALLY means to forgive.

Apostasy and the Commandment to Forgive, Part 3

Futility of Morality

2011-07-07T06:00:00.001-06:00

"Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
change and decay in all around I see;
O thou who changest not, abide with me."
—Hymn #166, Abide with Me!

It is discouraging to try again and again to do the right thing, to follow the teachings of Christ and, again and again, look around and see those who act for themselves prospering.

I have been reading a little Nietzsche lately, and while I know he is chock-full of the philosophies of men with almost nothing of God in his words, somehow what he says about the master- vs. slave-morality resonates with what I observe. I feel the pull of just letting go and doing what seems best for me, rather than trying to act as I believe God would wish.

Job, Jeremiah, David and even Joseph Smith witnessed the seeming triumph of wickedness over good. It is hard when you have done everything as thoughtfully and carefully as you can, have turned the other cheek and forgiven, have tried to rise above life's disappointments, but your life is nothing like what is promised. Either there is something wrong with the system, or there is something wrong with you. And deep down, I can't believe there is something wrong with the system.

I want to clarify that I'm not looking at specific lack of blessings. I'm just looking at an overall trend of what I have accomplished or been blessed to receive versus what I have been promised.

But despite repeated failure, there is something deep in me that cannot concede defeat. I know what path I have chosen, and I know there is no option of going back now. Even if I fail to teach my children morality because they are surrounded with immoral success, even if I conduct the rest of my life alone, even if I never succeed in overcoming my personality flaws that keep me from realizing happiness (alone or not), I will trust my Savior.

Oh, Thou who changest not, leave me not comfortless!

The Covenant of the Holy Ghost

2011-07-05T12:00:00.006-06:00

In Doctrine and Covenants, we are taught that those who are baptized should have manifested by their works that they have received the Spirit of Christ unto a remission of sins. This indicates that it is not impossible to feel and be guided by the Holy Spirit, and even receive a remission of sins before we have been baptized and confirmed.

What is the difference between feeling the Holy Ghost and receiving the Holy Ghost?

Often, when teaching the gospel principle of the Holy Ghost to those new in the Gospel, we explain that it is having the Spirit with you always versus having it with you sometimes. I am sure this is accurate on one level, but as I've listened to many discuss the actions of the Spirit before and after excommunication, I've wondered if there isn't something more that we don't usually understand.

When we refer to "baptism," we really ought to be referring to "baptism and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost," as Elder Packer suggests. Baptism without confirmation (or receiving the Holy Ghost) is only half an ordinance.

When we are baptized, we are dedicating ourselves to a change in behavior. We are being initiated as disciples of Jesus Christ, promising to humble ourselves in His service by repenting of sin, to follow His commandments, to represent Him in His absence, and to witness through our words and deeds that He is the Savior of the world, no matter our circumstances.

In order to help us with this VERY tall order, He promises the constant companionship of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit will guide us in our actions, teach us all things we should do to be a representative of Christ, and create in us a "remission of sin" or, like cancer, an "abatement or diminution" of sin. This means that even though we are fallen and live in a fallen world, we can be blessed with a lessening of the effects of the Fall.

So the difference between feeling the Holy Spirit, and receiving the Holy Spirit is that when we are baptized and given the gift of the Holy Ghost, we have dedicated ourselves to Christ and His Church. When we live true to the covenant we made to be His disciple, we are granted the gifts of the Spirit in pursuing that work.

When we are excommunicated, though it is possible to feel the Spirit and even experience the gifts of the Spirit, it is without the framework of covenant. And although a baptized person may not feel the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, it is when they are not being true to the promise they made to make their work His work.

It is completely understandable that a person who is baptized or excommunicated will not feel an appreciable difference in the influence of the Holy Ghost in their lives at the moment of the covenant making or loss. The difference isn't in their access to the Holy Spirit, as God speaks to all of His children who seek Him. The difference is in the life purpose of the individual.

The difference is in us.

Flirting, Dating, Modesty, and Sexual Assault

2011-06-21T03:00:00.025-06:00

A flurry of interesting conversations on modesty have made the rounds recently. There seems to be an attitude that if you dress provocatively, you invite sexual advances. There is a counterargument that the way we teach women to dress modestly FOR THE PURPOSE of dissuading men to approach them inappropriately teaches women that they are on some level objects for the taking.

I'm think there is merit to both sides. Because on the one hand, it is true. If you dress in a way that, compared with the culture around you, is immodest, you will be the focus of more sexual advances. It is just as true that those men who take a woman's appearance as an open invitation are complete and utter cads.

I am a woman who has lived with a kernel of fear most of her life. NOT that I'd be raped (though that is part of it) but that I'd lead a man on, inadvertently "invite" him to take advantage of me in ANY way by the way I dress, talk, or act. No woman is completely safe from men. I believe that. I also believe that not all men are the source of danger, though I don't really know how to tell the difference.

This makes it very hard to flirt, to show I'm interested in a guy.

Which, ironically, makes me a prime target for the sort of man who has always been attracted to me: the sort that is looking for prey, not an equal partner. Because from his perspective, HE is intrigued by the hoops he has to jump through to get me. HE is willing to do whatever it takes to get his mark, even slog through my reticence. (For those of you who have seen Bachelorette, Bentley is a common type of this sort of man.)

I think that the best way to deal with both the realities and the ideal is to stop telling women to dress to help control men's thoughts, and teach them to dress modestly because in the minds of (at best) immature men, they are seen on at least one level as objects and they should want to do everything they can to command respect.

I understand that, our mortal state being what it is, otherwise righteous men might have an errant thought at times because they are attracted to a woman. But this happens regardless of dress, to my understanding. It could be anything, a flash of throat, a toss of hair, even the scent of shampoo.

So rather than telling women to stop doing what triggers those thoughts (because that would be impossible anyways,) start telling men AND women that HAVING those thoughts is natural, not evil. However, natural doesn't mean good. As mature adults, they have the ability to develop complete control over whether or not they'll turn the passing thought into action. They most certainly have the ability to control how they see the woman who excites their hormonal interest.

Just because you men have the thoughts, doesn't mean we women did anything to encourage it. And just because you men are attracted to us, doesn't mean we are attracted to you. And even if we are attracted to you, that doesn't mean you have a right to us and our bodies, EVEN IF WE ARE MARRIED TO YOU.

"I Have to Disagree . . . Just a Little"

2011-06-13T08:20:00.000-06:00

I was sitting in Relief Society listening to a lesson about obedience and experiencing one of my days where I raise my hand more than I should. Most of the lesson was focused on how we can receive blessings for being obedient. But the more I thought about that, the more I realized that we keep trying to fit obedience into an equation. Obedience + Sacrifice = Blessings.

And there is some doctrinal basis for that line of thought. In fact, one might argue that the entirety of scripture demonstrates that when we obey, we are blessed.

But I think there is another level to that, beyond being blessed for obedience, that comes as we truly learn to love the Lord. We obey not because we are blessed, but because we love Him and trust Him. The blessings that we get are not part of an equation, but are much more complicated and less guaranteed. There is some evidence of this in scripture, Nephi slaying Laban, Paul preaching the gospel, even Mormon and Moroni guarding the plates. Sure, we can point to how the Lord blessed them, but the bulk of their personal blessings came as a result of being obedient, not as a result of the actions they took by being obedient. There was no expected personal blessing that one could point to and say "because you did this, you got this." In fact, most of the blessings in such cases weren't for them, but for others. They, themselves, had sorrow, death, and loneliness as their reward for obedience.

I think that this is eventually an important concept to understand, and felt moved to share my perspective with the class by referring obliquely to a personal commandment I received which, like Nephi's, went against the general commandments of God, and which had little to no personal benefit. (I had to hasten to add that I hadn't killed anyone!)

I think that suggesting that not all obedience results in a causation blessing made several people uncomfortable, because we would all like to believe that we can somehow control what blessings we receive. One woman raised her hand and said that she disagreed with me "a little," that ALL obedience comes with attached blessings.

She disagreed with me more than a little, but she was not willing to say it. Another woman chimed in and said we were both right, trying her best to make peace. Embarrassed, I thought about trying to clarify my point, but got the feeling that those who needed to hear what I said, if any, had heard it. I felt distinctly that not all in the room would benefit from understanding more what I was saying. So I let it lie there and turned hideously red (curse that pale Scandinavian skin).

The reason I'm sharing this here is because I think that as we gain knowledge by experience, as we gain a greater appreciation for the Savior and His love, as we come to develop a desire to serve those around us, we will find ourselves mimicking His teaching style more and more. Opening our mouths is important, when moved upon by the Spirit, but sometimes shutting our mouths is appropriate, too.

And it is okay to disagree more than just "a little."

The gospel is like a stretchy shirt. It is one size fits all, but that doesn't mean it looks the same on everyone.

Can't I Learn Humility Some Other Way?

2011-06-07T04:30:00.001-06:00

The other day, I caught myself beginning to obsess about some things that someone said about me. Whenever I am criticized, my habit at first is to panic. Could it be true? Could I really be that incompetent/ petty/ jealous/ angry/ whatever? Is there some major flaw in my character I'm not seeing that I need to fix RIGHT AWAY OR I WON'T BE LOVED?!?

One of my besetting sins is to continually desire perfection. Lest ye think that this is some pseudo-sin, let me assure you it is not. It has affected my relationships with people, myself, and even God. Most of my sorrow in life has been brought about because I was trying so hard to be good and failed. Again and again and again.*

My life-scripture, the one that seems to come up over and over again, is the Lord's words to Moroni. Moroni was looking at the testimony he had written and comparing it to the power the Lord had granted him in speaking. (I wonder what I wouldn't give to actually hear the words of those ancient prophets. If their written words are weak, then imagine the power of God present in their speech!)

Like Moroni, I see unflattering contrast between what I desire and what actually happens. I feel the power of God move in me, but I look at what I do and it is so weak in comparison to what I WANT to be doing. I long for human spiritual connection the way Moroni longed to Spiritually connect, and believe deep down that I have to be perfect to get it.

The Lord says to Moroni, "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble."

I hate weakness. I hate forgiving and then finding myself having to forgive again. I hate feeling like I don't know the rules to the game of life, and if only I knew them I could do them and everyone would love me. I hate feeling occasionally angry, tired, cranky, depressed or jealous when underneath it I have less than no desire to be any of those things, EVER.

And yet, I'm coming to understand that I will never be strong, and that is a good thing. So long as I use my weakness to look at myself and realize that I am not God, that weakness can change me for the better. If I come to accept that weakness, to ignore it, or worse to revel in it, I remain caught in pride and unable to serve the Lord.

So even though I see my weakness and ache to be rid of it, I am trying my best to forgive myself, to not obsess over all the things I do wrong, but to focus on what I'm doing right RIGHT NOW. I don't think it is coincidence that we later hear from Moroni one of the most powerful discourses on charity extant.

And maybe if I'm more humble, I'll be receptive when the Lord uses my weaknesses to further His purposes.

*As a side note, I I read a recent paper that discusses homosexuality and realized how many of those traits I shared. It got me thinking about ways of thinking in general (metathinking!) and how many of the principles described in that therapy could help with other issues.

Apostasy and the Commandment to Forgive, Part 1

2011-06-01T08:00:00.002-06:00

There has been recent discussion about disciplinary councils which I have been wondering about. In reading my Sunday School lesson, I recently stumbled upon Matthew 18, when the disciples of Jesus asked Him who was greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Christ uses a child to visually express the type of humility we ironically need to cultivate to be great in His eyes. We often use this chapter to decry child abusers. Yet this chapter really isn't talking about child abuse at all.

When Jesus speaks of the "little child" He is talking about a person who has been converted and humbled themselves.

So when we receive those who have humbled themselves in Christ's service, we receive Him. And if we offend a humble follower of Christ, it is better for us to be dead.

And then comes a powerful insight into the nature of our lives. Christ says, "it must needs be that offenses come; but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh!" It is necessary that, as we cast off pride and humble ourselves in service to Christ, we experience "offenses". But that does not excuse those who commit these offenses.

Mosiah 26 records the short-term aftermath of King Benjamin's powerful testimony and exhortation to his people. After his speech, many of those who were too young to feel the power of the truth of what he said did not believe in Christ, and therefore did not understand the gospel teachings nor align themselves with the Church.

At first they were few, but because of infighting in the Church (kind of like a lot of the infighting that is displayed online) they grew more numerous. And then, once they left the Church, they flattered church members—not to get them to leave the church—but to cause them to sin. These church members sinned to the point that they had to be brought up for "admonishment" by the Church.

Sound familiar?

Ultimately, the one they were brought before was Alma. This is important because Alma not only had been a great sinner in his past and repented, but he seemingly still was very careful not to commit sin again. He did not feel qualified to judge the people of the Church, and the King, Mosiah, refused to judge them according to the laws of the land.

It was tricky for Alma because on the one hand, those who were in the Church and not living by its teachings were damaging themselves and others. But on the other hand, simply wielding the fist of justice could possibly serve to offend more people and cause greater problems.

Matthew 18 and Mosiah 26 both deal with damaging relationships. Jesus in Matthew 18 addresses what to do if, as a humble follower of Christ, your own personal relationships are causing "offenses," or in other words, causing you to sin. Mosiah 26 reveals to us how the Church is to deal with those causing others to sin.

These were enlightening chapters for me because I still sometimes labor under the pain of the decision I made to divorce my ex-husband. When I was married, I thought that if I did all the things they tell us to do, put the spouse first, put the marriage first, I could (singlehandedly!) save my marriage. I was determined that Satan wouldn't have my marriage or my husband.

Oh, how prideful I was!

In my next post, I will discuss what I have learned about the Spirit's personal guidance for me, and the guidance that Jesus gave His disciples and Alma. When should apostasy be forgiven, and when should the one turning away (whether it be from marriage or a religion) be cut off?

And what are the consequences for doing either?

Apostasy and the Commandment to Forgive, Part 2

I'm Not Dead Yet

2011-05-24T04:00:00.000-06:00

I had the beginning post of a series scheduled when Blogger fritzed. It ate my first post, and while the Blogger gurus have restored the second post four times, they seemingly can't restore my original post.

I've not posted in awhile, trying to get this up and running again, but right now I have too much snafu offline to focus on a post I had already written.

I'll give a teaser, though: it's about Apostasy and Forgiveness. I promise I'll get to it again at some point.

I Rather Like Mothers' Day

2011-05-08T06:00:00.001-06:00

Even before I was a mother, I liked Mothers' Day. Here is a day set aside specifically to tell my mom I love her, in case I forgot. Even if I didn't have a wonderful mom to thank that day, I get a chance to reflect on all the silent hours of work that good moms put into raising our next wave of citizens. And I even get to wonder about my Heavenly Mother and look forward to learning (or remembering) more about her in this life or next.

Sure, there are cheesy talks and sappy sentiments. Sure, there is a lot of pain wrapped up in being, not being, having, or not having a mom. But for those moms who DO love their kids, who put someone else's welfare above their own, who clean up the messes of the world because somebody's got to:

THANK YOU!!!

Submission and the Power of God

2011-05-05T10:00:00.002-06:00

Apame at ZD just posted something about submission that I love. And I can't say that very often about blog posts.

This post puts an exact finger on some things that have been bothering me, that I have felt in my heart without being able to express.

Submission as an expectation cannot by definition be divine submission. It's not just ethical submission, in my mind, but Eternal Submission. There is something of the power of God in this, in how things submit to His will freely, in how His power flows without compulsion. Not only does that happen because God is good, but it is necessary for the power of God to act this way.

I think that is the major part of God's power that Satan does not and can not ever understand.

Bin Laden Has Died

2011-05-03T07:00:00.026-06:00

Since it was announced, I have been thinking about posting my feelings about the death of bin Laden. But someone rather beat me to it.

Strange, perhaps, for a military brat to feel this way. But I don't believe that patriotism is best defined as American supremism. Perhaps because I lived a significant portion of my childhood in Germany, I feel strongly that atrocities are not committed by monsters in human form, but are committed by people much like us for reasons that we just as easily might have.

And we would be better served by looking for our mistakes and mourning the need to commit violence than by rejoicing that we are better than our enemies.

This is not a football game. I am ashamed of my fellow citizens.

"And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery; yea, a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God, for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people. Yea, and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ, and he had sworn with an oath to defend his people, his rights, and his country, and his religion, even to the loss of his blood.

"Now the Nephites were taught to defend themselves against their enemies, even to the shedding of blood if it were necessary; yea, and they were also taught never to give an offense, yea, and never to raise the sword except it were against an enemy, except it were to preserve their lives. And this was their faith, that by so doing God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, if they were faithful in keeping the commandments of God that he would prosper them in the land; yea, warn them to flee, or to prepare for war, according to their danger; and also, that God would make it known unto them whither they should go to defend themselves against their enemies, and by so doing, the Lord would deliver them;

"And this was the faith of Moroni, and his heart did glory in it; not in the shedding of blood but in doing good, in preserving his people, yea, in keeping the commandments of God, yea, and resisting iniquity."

Facing the Mirror Gate

2011-04-30T05:00:00.000-06:00

"There was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness."

In my last post, Howard asked a good question that I cannot simply answer in a comment. Knowing that I had begun this post years ago and never quite finished it, I decided to bring it out of the "Drafts" cedar chest, shake off the dust, mend a few tears with things I have learned since, and use it as my answer.

I am a fairly introspective soul. Using others as mirrors to see myself, I try to gain a more accurate picture of who I am and who I should be. Unfortunately, this has led to the poor character trait of letting others define me, something I'm having a horrid time shaking.

Of course, we should ideally use God as our mirror. As He said to Moroni, "if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness," and then He will make those weaknesses strong.

In one of my interviews, my first mission president asked me a question that has weighed on my mind ever since. He asked if I knew how God feels about me. The thought terrified me. Still terrifies me. Not long after he asked it, I tried to open myself up to understanding how God sees me. I succeeded somewhat, but I have not yet been able to truly let go and feel it. Perhaps a part of me is like the weak knights, who "ran away screaming" when they saw who they really were. Yet I feel that this is part of my journey to understanding charity.

Now, as a mother, I believe I understand something of God's love for me because of how I feel about my daughters. But there is a part of me that cannot accept that a divine being could feel that way about me. There is a part of me that is convinced I am not worth that, and I am afraid of the expectations that come with it.

Although I know, intellectually, that love towards me could exist without expectations of behavior, I have never experienced it. I have no framework for it. Now that I have children, I have a little framework for it from the other direction, but it is still inconceivable to me that I could be the recipient of such a love, though I know it must be so.

I am coming to believe that this is a large part of why I don't really want to try to find an eternal relationship. I know that until I learn to accept God's love, I cannot accept mortal love. That is probably why I allowed myself to accept a cheap substitute for love in my failed marriage. That is probably why real friendships make me nervous. I'm always anticipating my failure of the hidden expectations on the part of my friends.

I don't think there is really any way to prepare to look into the Mirror Gate. I know I can't do it when my children are around, and I've succeeded in busying my life to the point where I really have very little time alone any more. So in a week or two, instead of planting or weeding, knitting or sewing, dating or playing, I plan to take my journey.

Wish me luck.

Young Women's Values—Good Works

2011-04-27T05:00:00.001-06:00

"Fear not to do good, . . . let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; . . . Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not. Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet. . . ."

As shows in previous posts, charity and good works have been weighing heavily on my mind. Possessed by a fey restlessness, I have been trying to redirect my life back towards the good goals that I once had and lost touch with. But I keep coming up against roadblocks of resentment, both against myself and the world around me.

I really don't know much about the value of Good Works yet. If anything I think I might know less than I did as a Young Woman. It seems to me that so many things that seem to be good turn out to be bad. I don't know how to serve others. I thought maybe I'd learn something by the time I posted this, but I haven't.

What I do know is that fear has something to do with it. As Christ says above, look to Him and move forward in service with courage. Not as simple as it sounds, I have found.

If You Love Me

2011-04-23T07:00:00.056-06:00

"Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another."
—1 John 4:10-11

I have been giving a lot of thought about love. God loved us, and so sacrifices for us, focuses on us. I tried my best to do the same in my marriage, and still try to do it with my children. But the more I think about God's love and trying to actually create room for that type of love in my heart, I feel more and more inadequate. I come to realize more and more that I really haven't the least idea how to make that love a part of my life.

I worry about love and my capacity to love anyone freely again, let alone a spouse. I did the best I could once, let go of my fears, and it wasn't enough. What if it can never be enough? How can I try to give all I have all over again after so painfully recreating something to have in the first place?

I think about Christ, suffering alone in the Garden of Gethsemane and hanging alone on the cross, feeling abandoned by His Father, and not knowing in that moment if anything He gave would be enough to save anyone. Not even knowing if one person would appreciate what He was doing, giving His all.

I can see that Christ's love is not a love that comes with any expectations, not even the expectation of acknowledgment. Broken and lonely, He "finished [His] preparations unto the children of men."

I am afraid to try to love others, to serve others. If I open myself up enough to be responsive to their needs, the tight bands I have wrapped around my pain will burst all over again. And I am thoroughly sick and tired of vomiting out my emotional ugliness.

But then comes the image of the Savior again, crying, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" and I know that somehow, broken and lonely and afraid, I have to find a way.

Starving for Validation

2011-04-20T07:00:00.000-06:00

Not long ago, I wrote a post that mentioned that validation is one of the things a recipient of abuse desires most. And, although I am essentially healed from my marriage, the scars still pull sometimes.

For example, as I was sitting in General Conference listening to Elder Holland speak, I was overwhelmed with an intense desire to know the Apostles personally. In analyzing that, I realized that I want to know them in part so they can tell me that I am okay in the sight of God. I shouldn't need them for that, but the desire to be told by His servants that I'm okay was almost overwhelming.

I occasionally read blog posts dealing with various aspects of marriage. Cheating, for example. Because my ex accuses me vociferously of emotionally cheating on him, and there is some evidence that he might have emotionally and possibly physically cheated on me, such a topic draws my attention. Even now, over a year after the divorce, whenever the topic of cheating comes up I can't help but obsess about the accusations all over again. Did I really cheat? If so, how? What was it I did wrong? Should I have refused to speak to any male outside of a public sphere? Should I have not been open with my spouse about male acquaintances? The questions just keep mounting ever higher.

I am reminded of a plea which has always touched my heart, but which resonates even more with me now, "What could I have done more for my vineyard?"

What more could I have done for my marriage?

It's not an obsolete question, because I am afraid of making the same mistakes I made—whatever they were—again. I would do almost anything for someone I could trust, someone who knows the Lord, to give me the answers, to teach me what I did wrong.

In short, to validate me.

But I must come to accept that I will never be validated by anything but the Spirit of God working in my own heart. I can't look to the apostles, or people online, or anyone to validate my decisions.

Just me and God. And I don't know that I can do it.

Sword of Scholarship, Shield of Truth?

2011-04-17T05:00:00.005-06:00

Ephesians 6:13-17
"Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints . . . ."

I have been thinking about scholarship and its place in the framework of the Church. Many people try to dichotomize the tension, classifying people as those who ask questions and are familiar with church history, usually with issues about certain points therein; and those who simply soak in what they are told. There is a third option: those who are familiar with history but accept it without reservation.

Scholarship and knowledge seem to fit into the armor of God, in truth and preparation, but they are passive defenses. It is the girdle of truth and the shoes of preparation, not the sword and shield. Interestingly, these most active defenses are Faith and the Spirit. This seems to indicate to me that knowledge and scholarship are not to be used as weapons in arguments via "Bible bashing" encounters.

The interesting thing is that the next part of the scripture, Paul entreats the Ephesians to pray for him, not that he might be delivered, but that he would speak boldly. There is something to learn from that.

Being a Lady

2011-04-12T04:42:00.005-06:00

Although I used to have no time for such silly nonsense, I have developed an appreciation for courtly graces (as in courteous graciousness).

For example, I was at a singles event not long ago, and there was a point at which tables and chairs had to be folded and put away. Although most of the women moved to the sides and let the men handle the "hard labor," I helped without thinking much of it. This is pretty typical for me, and I have observed a few different reactions by the men.

Some don't notice. Fair enough.

Some rush over and grab the whatever out of my hands and do it themselves. Thoughtful, but certainly not courteous.

But this last time, one man came over and helped me fold up the table. Every time I grabbed a table, he grabbed the other end. I would thank him, and he'd wheel the table away while I started folding up another one. By about the third table, he grinned at me and said, "You really shouldn't be doing this, you know."

I said, "Yes, but I'm not the type to sit on the sidelines and watch other people work." And he just smiled again and nodded agreement. He didn't try to stop me, but he was aware and courteous enough to assist me.

This is the essence of grace.

Now, I could choose to be all offended and see his assistance as a message that I can't take care of myself, or that I'm weak. But even if he had been one of the ruder examples above, it would be demonstrating extreme gracelessness on my part to choose offense, especially when the offender's motivations would be trying to be thoughtful.

I have found myself being less gracious lately, and I want to change it. There is no benefit demonstrating my irritation with certain things, and every benefit in accepting things that are less than ideal with poise.

This goes for things in the Church as well as in my own personal interactions. Sometimes Church leadership deals with things in ways I don't like. But that is no reason to grump around at people and make my opinion known. I really, REALLY want to work on being more gracious.

So that's my spring resolution. Now I just need to figure out how to do it.

Young Women's Values—Choice & Accountability

2011-04-08T05:30:00.000-06:00

One of the most essential doctrines of the LDS Church is that of agency. We believe that we chose to come here to earth, and that we have full ability to choose whether or not and to what extent we will follow God. I used to think that the choice part of the equation was good, and the accountability not so much.

A prevailing opinion seems to be developing that we, as humans, deserve choice without accountability. I believe that this is one of Satan's most powerful mockeries of the eternal principle. Being able to choose and taking responsibility for the effects of our choices—good and bad—are two sides of the same coin. You can't lose one without losing the other. This has been a painful lesson for me, as I have had to learn to stop taking responsibility for things I did not choose, at the same time that I learned to take responsibility for the things that were my choice. However, as I've come to understand agency better, I have also come to see that taking responsibility is just as liberating as choosing.

It took an indescribable amount of soul-searching to come to the decision to divorce. And a great deal of pain came to me and to others for that decision. Yet, as I exercised my ability to choose, I also came to accept the responsibility for the effects of that choice. If I had not realized that the good effects of my choice far outweighed the bad, it would have been impossible to make. Yet, I sacrificed others' good opinions of me, my good opinion of myself, my personal comfort and feelings of safety, and in some measure, my daughters' comfort and safety, so that I could protect myself and my children in the long run. And, unexpectedly, my good opinion of myself as a daughter of God has returned tenfold. My children are happier and I am far happier than would have been possible had I not trusted the promptings of the Spirit to make that hard choice.

And I know that I am right in the sight of God, and that is priceless.

When we use our own judgment and the input of others to make our own decisions, and when we own the effects (foreseen and unforeseen) of those choices, we become a little more like God.

This also applies to conference talks and other things that are sometimes taught in the Church. LDS doctrine makes it very clear, for example, that divorce is not the ideal. Yet, because of the power and love of God, I was able to hear the Spirit and know when it was time to make the exception in my life. Though it was painful, it was empowering. And it has helped me believe even more strongly in the doctrines of the Church. I believe in eternal marriage and marital fidelity even more than I did before, and now I believe with a full heart and clearer vision of what marriage should be.

As we come to accept the doctrine of agency, and learn to choose wisely and take responsibility for the choices we make, we progress even closer to God and to understanding His doctrines.

The Joy of Service

2011-04-04T05:00:00.004-06:00

It was interesting to me how many talks in General Conference this year covered service, since I have been focusing on that for awhile now. I realized that a lot of things I do as just part of life, others could think of as service. I think that might be the point.

To reference my previous post, I don't think the best way to give advice to someone who is hurting and lonely is to say "forget yourself and serve." At least, not unless you already have a deep history of love and respect between you and the person you are giving advice to. A much better way would be to help them discover how to serve. Because it is a skill, and a very difficult one to master.

For example, say something like, "this might be a strange question, but can you think of anyone you know who needs help?" And if the answer is no, just say something like, "tell you what, you find someone who needs help, and I'll work on your problem." Of course, it sounds a little cheesy here, without context, but I have had this approach come to mind when discussing with the Lord ways that I might serve and/or address issues in my life. In many ways, it is the same thing, but it expresses a great deal more caring and thought for the person who is hurting.

And, rather than telling a person what to do, it encourages them to change their way of thinking and looking at the world.

To me, that is the key to service. Not just to consciously (and, as I pointed out last time, awkwardly) serve, but to become a person who serves without realizing it. That is when the joy comes and the charity can grow.

The Awkwardness of Service

2011-03-31T04:44:00.000-06:00

I have noticed that any time you want to improve something in the Church, or notice a lack, most people immediately answer with, "forget yourself and serve."

That is all well and good, if your service is wanted. But I find it's mostly not. And when you try to serve and are rejected, it leaves you more discouraged and more disconnected from the Church than ever.

So what do you do when what you have to offer in service isn't wanted?

Young Women's Values—Knowledge

2011-03-29T05:00:00.002-06:00

. . . [Eve] heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.

~Moses 5:11

I love to learn about the way the world works. I have a tendency to remember random things about just about anything. I have always been a little intrigued by the onus placed on Knowledge by most of Christianity.

Perhaps we, as people, have a tendency to extremes. Either we want to know everything, and thus be responsible, or we want to know nothing and absolve responsibility. But that's not why we're here. When we learn, we also must learn how to use that knowledge, and that is what makes us "as Gods, knowing good and evil."

But knowledge doesn't come easily. We don't value what comes too cheaply. That which we earn through pain (such as through a degree, or significant experience) is indelibly etched on who and what we are.

For example, when I spend time with my children, I treasure every minute because sometimes I don't have them around. I am a better mother now that I know I could have lost them. I know that when I find a good man, a man who honors his Priesthood in righteousness, I honor him even more greatly because I know how easy it would be for him to try to exercise control over me. When I attend the temple, it is exquisite because I didn't have that opportunity for a year and a half while serving a mission. If my garden ever grows, the vegetables will taste divine because last year's yield was almost nothing.

That, I believe, is why the Spirit is so difficult to hear at times. If we always had the Spirit telling us every little thing we should do with little effort of our own, we would be unable to act on our own. Knowledge is the first step to agency, for without knowledge, we cannot act. We become objects of others' agency when we refuse to learn and apply that learning in wisdom.

I am intrigued by the claim that we must know good and evil. As Eve went on to say in the above scripture, without experiencing the bitter, they would not have known the sweet. Without pain and sorrow, we would not value the good.

Young Women's Values—Individual Worth

2011-03-24T01:00:00.000-06:00

I sometimes wonder what value I have. I look at what I do, what I am, what I have accomplished and realize that it takes great faith to believe the Lord when He said that my worth is "great in the sight of God."

I have heard it asked why it was necessary for someone else to suffer for us. Was there no other way for God to bring about our eternal life? Why did Christ have to die? But when I read that it was for this purpose that "the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; . . . he suffered [your] pain . . . that [you] might repent and come unto him." I realize that there was truly no better way. That by doing what He did when He didn't have to, He made Himself into a being that I can have faith in, that I can worship without fear or restraint.

He took my pain upon Himself for no other reason than to help me. I can trust Him without reserve.

Knowing that He "tremble[d] because of pain, and [bled] at every pore, and [suffered] both body and spirit, and would that [he] might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink . . ." and did it anyways, for me . . . how could I not take this great gift and believe Him? And further recognize that everyone, everyone for whom He died deserves a level of respect. For when we deliberately hurt another person, one for whom Christ sacrificed for, we reject His gift.

So even if we can't see it sometimes, He can.

Young Women's Values—Divine Nature

2011-03-17T05:00:00.003-06:00

I have a very hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I use the mirror to look at my face, my hair, my teeth, but I have noticed that I avoid looking myself (or others, for that matter) in the eyes. I think perhaps I am a little afraid of what I see. When I look myself in the eyes, it is as if I see a vast quantity of unfulfilled potential. I begin to realize that I am "born to privilege," and like all privilege, it comes with "specific obligations." (Queen Marie, Ever After)

When I was a teen, in the middle of surviving the Young Women's program, I had been "blessed" with a very sharp wit and the tongue to voice it. I remember (now with shame) bragging about being able to make a person feel one inch tall in one short sentence. (And I did, many times.) Although in college I came to better understand how precious every soul on this earth is, and have long ago lost most of my desire to wield my sharp tongue, there are times that I am tempted. Culture has glorified pointed witticism and made it funny when in reality it's just hurtful.

Part of becoming a true disciple of Christ is to not only learn to look ourselves in the eyes, to bear the divinity in ourselves, but to also look others in the eyes and respect their divinity. Christ demonstrated many times in scripture how He could not only see the divinity in people others thought worthless, but He could reach in and quicken that spark, bring it to life. If there was one spiritual gift I could have, it would be that: to recognize and feed human divinity.

Young Women's Values—Faith

2011-03-14T05:00:00.000-06:00

White is the color of faith. Blinding, harsh, sharp enough to cut. Lonely. Cold. Like one who is in possession of a tiny candle in a limitless black, moving forward with faith can be terrifying.

When I was a Young Woman, we had a rappelling activity. (See, it wasn't all fluff and nonsense!) With an abiding ~~fear~~ respect for heights, I was more than a little reluctant. My German nature, however, doesn't allow such things to overcome, so I was game to try. After taking a few minutes to gaze in awe and respect at those who were spidering up and down the 100 ft. cliff nearby, I headed to my nice little (little?!) 30 ft. beginner cliff.

Setting my jaw in true German fashion, I screwed up my courage for the plunge. And then I peeked over the edge. The person holding the rope (the "belay" is the proper term, I believe) was none other than Brother Ham*, our resident ward clown. Brother Ham was a nice guy, one who appealed strongly to my practical joker side. However, Brother Ham was NOT the person I wanted for my belay on my very first attempt at conquering one of my greatest respects.

Despite this, I was determined to go ahead with it until he cracked a joke. I can't remember what he said, something to do with letting go and no need to worry, but I did not learn to rappel that day. Brother Ham was not the person I could put my faith in.

"Go, gather together all the Jews . . . and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day: I also and my maidens will fast likewise; and so will I go in unto the king, which is not according to the law: and if I perish, I perish."
Esther to Mordecai, Esther 4:16

Although faith can be cold and lonely at times, I have found it to often be like a warm, white down comforter. When my life is difficult—sometimes so difficult that giving up on my goals seems tempting—I know that when all the stress and loneliness is swept away, my faith in my Savior will always be there, like a white pearl at the bottom of a murky river bed. Unlike Brother Ham, He will not let me fall. (And if He does for some reason, I know He can heal me, literally and metaphorically.)

So when I think of the white of faith and my Young Women's experiences, and "when I think that God, His Son not sparing, sent Him to die," (LDS Hymns #86, How Great Thou Art) my faith in such a God and such a Son wraps around me like a warm down comforter, and I know that, come what may, my Savior lives and loves me. That faith gives me the courage necessary to take my tiny light and walk out into the darkness.

*names have been changed to protect the untrustworthy

Stand for Truth and Righteousness

2011-03-04T04:00:00.019-07:00

As a tomboy, my experience in the Young Women's program was somewhat . . . frustrating. So much of Young Women's was about baking scripture cookies, learning to guard one's virtue, sewing hope chest items and fulfilling Personal Progress. I lived for camp. Every time I got to attend YW camp, I threw myself into hiking, learning to shoot arrows, build fires and, of course, playing pranks.

But beyond all that is the core of what I feel the Young Women's program should be.

"We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him.
We will 'stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places' as we strive to live the Young Women values, which are:
Faith
Divine Nature
Individual Worth
Knowledge
Choice and Accountability
Good Works
Integrity and
Virtue.
We believe as we come to accept and act upon these values,
we will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation."

I think that when I was a Young Woman, I concentrated on the values. It was easy to do so, with their pretty colors and memorability. But if you cut out the list of values and really look at what is being said, you touch on something truly beautiful.

Each and every woman is a daughter of God. That comes with an immense responsibility. Divinity lives in each of us. When we, as one of His daughters, approach Him in prayer, truly trying to connect with our Father, He will show us who we are and how He feels about us.

When we feel that, it is a gloriously humbling feeling. And with it comes an intense sense of the immensity of God, a small understanding of how He feels about each of His children. His children who are all around us, who are the imperfect us, walking around in our clouds of Me. It inspires you to help them, to heal them, to show them that they are better than what they are doing to themselves.

And that is why we "stand as witnesses" of Him, by mourning with those who mourn, comforting those who need comfort, bearing their burdens, testifying to them of His love and of those things which bring true, lasting joy.

If I could, this would be the spark of desire I would try to light in our Young Women—and Young Men—dedication of a true disciple of Jesus of Nazareth. A person who is not afraid to "Stand for Truth and Righteousness" whatever the consequence, wherever truth and righteousness are found.

Being Perfect

2011-02-26T04:00:00.000-07:00

The drive to be perfect hurts. Yet, there is definitely a doctrinal imperative to strive for perfection. The most oft-quoted scripture to this effect is Christ's commandment to be perfect.

Often, we explain this scripture with the footnote, which seems to indicate that perfection is to be fully developed or complete, but as I've studied this concept, I have come to believe that touches only the surface of what Christ meant. If you read the context in which Christ made this commandment, you will see that He is discussing love as the climax of His new Law which will supersede the Law of Moses.

In that speech, He has just commanded us to love our enemies and to do good to those who despitefully use us and persecute us. In general, this seems quite easy. It is not hard to love those who commit day-to-day offenses and injustices. It quickly becomes difficult when we begin to apply it to those who truly and unapologetically hurt us. But this is when it is most important.

Take, for example, a Priesthood leader who is discounting or ignoring you. It is so tempting to become angry and frustrated, to rail against priesthood hierarchy or to turn away from participating fully in our religious community. But to be perfect—to follow the Father in Heaven's path—we have to push past that first, natural reaction and learn to love. We have to allow space for others' weakness and even for the evil in them. That does not mean to tolerate the evil, but it does mean to learn to see beyond it.

Believe me, I know how hard this can be. So hard, that I suspect it is only possible to achieve by cultivating a true companionship with the Holy Spirit. As we seek after this love, I believe it is possible to become perfect in this world. That doesn't mean without fault or error. It means perfect in love. In order to demonstrate this love without possibility for misinterpretation, God the Son came to earth and subjected Himself to our weakness and our evil.

This is the love that heals. It is necessary to develop this quality to truly be a disciple of Christ. And when we learn this love, we become perfect.

Internet Stalking: an Apology and a Statement of Independence

2011-02-22T07:30:00.008-07:00

For those of you who are not aware of the situation, my ex-husband continues to internet stalk me by reading this blog (among other things). Despite knowing that this is a public blog, and that he is therefore reading my posts and possibly commenting on them, I have consciously chosen to continue to post about my experiences both in the gospel and in healing from abuse, rather than closing my blog, in the hopes that someone out there will see my struggle and find hope and strength.

He has decided to try to push this stalking one step further by "shar[ing] his perspective" in comments here. I suspect he has done so in the past under Anonymous, which is why I have disabled anonymous posting.

I will not be intimidated like so many women before me.

I will also not knowingly allow him to post here to slander me. As Jessica has pointed out in a comment on my previous post, he is always free to start his own blog, and I am not the only witness to his behavior towards me. I leave judgment up to the Lord, and just try to heal as best I can and serve others by what I have experienced.

In general, as most of you have seen, I have a fairly open-minded approach to views that oppose mine. I do not, however, feel any obligation to allow him to continue the slander he has attempted to spread amongst my friends and family here on my blog, where I have the power to stop it. Nor will I allow him to intimidate me.

I am sorry for those of you who have to witness this little back-and-forth, and am grateful to those of you who defended me when I was spending time with my children rather than haunting the internet, guarding against his attacks.

Although the effects of the abuse I have survived continue to trouble me at times (as evidenced by my posting here), as a person my ex-husband means next to nothing to me. In my offline life, the pain of abuse is not even as strong as it seems here, since I post here about things I hope can help inspire others, and not about the realities of my day-to-day life. I am not angry with him, except when he tries to attack me through my children, and I do not hate him. If anything, I am sorry for him because he will probably never know the joy of the type of selfless friendship I have been given in my times of trouble, nor is he likely know the bittersweet beauty of being shown one's own weaknesses by the Lord, finding strength to accept and face that weakness, and seeking for forgiveness of all the many things I have done wrong.

He is the father of my daughters, and is part of their lives, but thankfully no longer a part of mine. As the father of my daughters, I have tried to respect his privacy by discussing only the experiences and feelings I have personally, by refraining from attacking him in any way, and mentioning only the objective and provable facts if absolutely necessary to communicate my point. Because of the truth of what I state and his own insecurities, he will feel attacked no matter how careful I try to be, and I am sorry for that. But not sorry enough to be silenced. I know that what I have gone through is real, and it has nothing to do with him or his perspective.

Naturally, he is free to try to intimidate me, but as the wise words of an otherwise rather silly girl once aptly stated:

"You have no power over me."

Thou Hast Not Withheld

2011-02-17T11:00:00.005-07:00

The process by which I decided to divorce my husband was a life-altering one. Up until that time, I had, piece by piece, sacrificed everything of myself on the altar of marriage. To take all of that and sacrifice the marriage itself was difficult. The Spirit and I wrestled many nights over that decision. The Lord taught me slowly but surely that He was asking of me a sacrifice not unlike Abraham's when he was called to sacrifice his son, Isaac.

Since then, I have weathered other betrayals, predominantly by those in the Church. My attempts to sacrifice my pride and anger has lead to others discounting me, disbelieving me, and ignoring me. These betrayals are small but devastating aftershocks.

This morning, I realized that the divorce was only the beginning of my Abrahamic test.

Some tests, like Abraham's, are an event. One decision. Some people are delivered from following through with their test, as Abraham was. But sometimes the test is more subtle over a longer period of time. Sometimes you really have to make the sacrifice.

There is one thing every test has in common. You are always called upon to decide what is most important in your life. Is it resentment towards other people that might cause you to become bitter, angry, or no longer attend Church? Is it grief over your loss that you wrap around yourself like an invisibility cloak? Or is service to God, is discipleship, more important than even your own pain?

Each time I have been disappointed by my fellow Saints or by life in general, I have clearly seen a choice of two paths. I can let this turn me away from the Church, or I can choose to learn from my experience and become even more devoted to my Savior. I can gain a greater desire to serve God's children, to not be one of those so embroiled in my own life that I don't notice when someone needs me.

So for me, the sacrifice truly is everything, especially myself. The test is whether or not I will choose to still love even after the sacrifice.

He Knows My Name

2011-02-14T04:30:00.010-07:00

At times in my life I have found it too painful to pray. Communing with my Father means facing a whole lot of things I can't change, and can't do anything about. At these times, I pray in the sense of routine, but really praying, I am able to do only in small, manageable pieces.

But I know how much I have been blessed. The hard times I have been through in my life could have been so much worse, and are for so many people. I don't know why I have been so carefully, tenderly watched over. But I am so grateful to Him. Despite my occasional anger. Despite sometimes feeling betrayed and so alone.

When I do get the courage to pray, I feel Him there. I feel His love envelope me. And I know that I can trust Him to fulfill every promise He has made, and every righteous yearning of my heart.

Even the ones I can't do anything about.

What I Learned From No Longer Being Married

2011-02-08T04:00:00.007-07:00

In the aftermath of my divorce, I've been trying to pick up the pieces of what I have learned in an attempt to fashion it into some sort of semblance of personal progression. I have been thinking about what I wish I could have known without learning it the hard way. I think I have learned a lot about not only what is important in a marriage, but what is important in any relationship.

True love comes from respect. If someone respects and admires me, and I respect and admire them, that is the sort of love that lasts. It is the sort of love that forgives. It is the sort of love that trusts. It can be platonic or not, but either way, it is what combats loneliness and binds hearts together.

I learned that what can sometimes seem not important to begin with, ends up being important. For example, although I'm drawn to men who are taller than me, I made it a point not to fixate on that. I married someone a little shorter than I am, which truly didn't matter to me, but manifested every so often as one of his insecurities. It could be argued that it was the insecurity which was to blame, but I think it wasn't so much the insecurity itself, or what he was insecure about, as it was about his tendency to fix the blame for his insecurity on external things. When I was married, I was the most convenient external thing in most cases. So if I were to go through it again, I'd pay attention to the little things he mentioned, the (to me silly) little things he "joked" about or wanted to prove himself in. I wouldn't just dismiss such things out of hand. I wouldn't mistake lack of importance as lack of significance.

I discovered that when a man who has a romantic interest in you tells you that you are different from other women, you should run. Sooner or later, he will remember that you are a woman, too.

I also have become determined not to give a sewer rat's flea-infested behind about how HE feels about ME until I've felt something for him. And if a man you hardly know suddenly declares his love for you out of the blue, it is not like Jane Austin. It is his attempt to control you. It deserves disbelieving laughter, not to be taken seriously or with compassion. True love grows gradually as you get to know someone. There is no such thing as love at first sight, though there is possibly sight at first love.

I learned that external conditions often have very little to do with personal worth or life's choices, but sometimes they are clues to a person's true nature. I learned to look at overall patterns of behavior, not individual instances, apologies, or declarations of love.

Most of all, I learned that divorce is evil, but sometimes it's not as evil as being married.

Many Perspectives, One Truth

2011-02-01T02:00:00.001-07:00

I had the privilege to attend BYU. I say "privilege" because, despite the frequent reminders that the poor little old ladies in third world countries were paying for 70% of my tuition and the infrequent truths to BYU stereotypes, I was able to take classes where it was okay to talk about God and how whatever subject I was studying at the moment tied in to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Occasionally, the teachers would use some aspect of the subject to teach a gospel truth.

One such moment was in art class. We often sketched still lifes of styrofoam, fruit, random office supplies. After one such session, the instructor had us put all of our sketches up side by side to compare and critique. After we were done, he pointed out that all of the sketches were completely different, though the arrangement we sketched was the same. Even if all of our skills in sketching had been equal, some sketches showed parts of the arrangement that others couldn't see. In some sketches, entire elements of the arrangement were missing because they could not see them. He compared it to truth, and our search for truth.

There is an old saying I've heard in many variations, "There are always three sides: yours, mine, and the truth." When I was going through counseling to start me on the path to recovery, it was pointed out to me a that my perspective was not any less accurate than another's. That has been a hard lesson for me to learn.

But, I have begun to see that although there are many perspectives on any given situation (whether you are talking about describing an event or about religious truths), there is only one truth. And while I may not be completely accurate in describing that truth, neither is anyone else. I don't have to take their perspective as somehow more true than my own.

I am under the impression that most people are more likely to believe what they see over what others see, but the struggle for me has been the opposite. Either way, it is important to acknowledge other perspectives, to admit that others might see something you don't, but to rely on your own perspective in the end.

Convincing someone else of your perspective should not be about getting them to believe you, it should be about leading them to see what you see. Taking them by the hand, if you will, and leading them over to your side of the arrangement. Of course, they have to want to come.

For while we must take some things on faith for a time, the Lord has promised us that eventually, should we wish to understand, we will be shown the truth.

Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, "If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
John 8:31-32

"And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things."
Moroni 10:5

The trick then becomes to be brave enough to face the truth. It is easy to be afraid of what we will find.

Until After the Trial

2011-01-25T04:00:00.006-07:00

Opinions. Addiction. Intervention. Agency. Atonement.

One of the things I have had to struggle with throughout my life is my own opinion. I have a hard time believing my own opinion over the opinions of others. To use a superficial example, I might make a comment about how beautiful the blue sky is. Someone else might argue that the sky isn't blue, it's turquoise. Though in the moment, I might maintain that the sky is blue, after the discussion, my mind is full of doubts. Even if many others call the sky blue, even if the person who believes it is turquoise calls other things of the same hue blue, even if I'm in possession of a spectroanalysis that indicates there are no greenish tints in the sky, I still worry whether or not I am wrong, and have been wrong my whole life.

This is not a good quality in a disciple of Christ, from what I can see. And I don't know what to do about it.

I've been watching a show called Intervention by A&E which is, by no coincidence, about addictions and intervention. As I watch, I begin to draw parallels between the those who are addicted and myself. I wonder if my perpetual negative thoughts about myself (as I worry about whether or not I am wrong, begin to beat up on myself, and fill my own head with failure) parallel addictive behavior, avoiding pain by causing it myself. Though I have been taught the strength not to mask my feelings behind some other outlet, which is some comfort.

The outpouring of love by those around the addicted people is amazing to watch, but I can't help but wonder why it had to get that bad before someone would intervene. Why does a person need to face the destruction of their life before anyone takes such a strong stand against it? Of course, most of us don't want to control those in our lives until things get really bad. We don't want to take a stand because we're afraid of alienating the loved one or of trying to deny them their agency. To tie back to a previous post, we are afraid of our own potential to abuse.

So often, I feel alone though I know I have friends and family who are there for me. I can't ask for the type of support I sometimes feel I need. It would not be fair to those with lives of their own. And I begin to wonder why I even think I need their support. I believe in the Atonement, do I not? I believe that Christ can do what He says He will do, right? So why can't I feel it? He is the one who should be filling that void.

Why does it feel like I'm the only person on the battlefield, fighting imaginary enemies, while the real battle occurs two counties away?

Why does my heart still doubt what my head knows?

When will the things I've dedicated my life to become real for me?

When is a trial of faith done?

The Myth of Happiness

2011-01-19T04:00:00.009-07:00

I read a recent Salon.com article about a non-LDS woman who finds herself obsessed with Mormon Mommy-type blogs. Now, although I am both Mormon and a Mommy, and though I blog, this blog is not really a Mormon Mommy type blog (though I do sort of have one). I'm not really sure what type of blog this is, to be honest. I suppose, like the title suggests, it documents my spiritual and emotional life, the things I think about and struggle with on an internal level.

I don't know that most of what I blog about here are strictly "happy" things. They are faithful and hopeful, I hope, but not particularly "happy".

In reading the comments, I noted that an overwhelming number of the comments treated the Mormon Mommy blogs as fake. Whether they supposed they were commercial or evangelical efforts, the general consensus seemed to be that "Mormon women cannot be as happy as they seem, so they are being deceptive. Deception is for a reason, therefore they must be getting something out of this." Plenty of people cited the old Utah Women Take Antidepressants study, many others delighted in highlighting the "dark side" that must exist.

Of course there is some filtering when it comes to blogs. Whatever the main focus of the blog, not everything in a blogger's life ends up online. But these women have chosen to highlight the things that bring them joy. Very few of them sound to me like their "faking it until they make it" online. They genuinely seem to find things to be happy about. Of course, it is possible that if they were suffer some life-altering disaster, such as divorce or losing a child, that the walls would come tumbling down, but as NieNie has demonstrated, this isn't necessarily the case.

I think this is the key. Too often, we expect to be happy when certain conditions are met. But I believe that true happiness is generally unconditional. It is a choice. I've had a really hard time in my life the past several years. And yet, there are many things that have brought me immense joy. Some of those things I remember to chronicle in my "mommy blog", but some of them are just for me. Some of these things are things that others might not expect me to find joy in, given my circumstances, such as the doctrine of eternal families, having occasional alone time, watching my children grow.

True, I could look at the lives of some of these women and be jealous. To be honest, sometimes I am. The husband/provider, wife/caretaker dichotomy is something I worked really hard for, believed in, and lost. But though I mourn that loss for myself, I can also find joy in the evidence that it can work, and I find so much joy in the wonderful blessings I do still have.

So I don't think that happiness is a myth. I just don't think it is what some people think it is. And maybe that's why so many are "obsessed" with Mormon Mommy blogs. They sense something beyond the surface of reupholstering chairs, photographing children in pumpkin patches, and keeping a spotless house. Something that has nothing to do with lifestyle.

They sense the reality of happiness.

What Do I Do About Abuse in Others? . . . A Resurrected Email

2011-01-16T00:30:00.002-07:00

My email for this site has apparently not been forwarding emails the way it should, so I deeply apologize for anyone who has emailed me and been ignored. It was truly not my intent. I have reason to believe it is fixed, now.

Some of you have asked what you can do to help someone who is going through abuse, or trying to get out of it. One email which was sent by Quimby, an amazing woman, apparently just after my forwarding went on the fritz, I have reproduced in part here as a perfect example of what can be said and done for someone escaping an abusive relationship.

I . . . want you to know this:
You are a very brave, courageous, strong woman for removing yourself and your children from that situation.
It will get better.
You can do this.
Any abuse that you suffered at his hands - it is NOT your fault.
A marriage breakdown that came from these circumstances - it is NOT a sin.

I also want to offer my help, in whatever way you need or want it. Do you need [anything?] Is there anything I can do to make this an easier time for you?

. . .

The most dangerous times in an abusive marriage are when you're pregnant and when you're leaving. So, be careful. If you have left your marital home and you have to go back there for any reason, make sure you have someone with you. If he's left it make sure you've changed all of the locks and have really good locks on all of the windows. (It might even be worth investigating bars or safety screens for the windows, depending on his history.) If you've left and he doesn't know where you are, try to keep it that way. Document everything. I know it often seems that restraining orders aren't worth the paper they're written on but at least that way the police have a record (and you've got a record for when it comes time for the custody hearing).

Walk tall - head held high - you will get through this. "Fake it til you feel it" - I am sure your self-esteem and self-worth has taken a battering with everything that's happened, so be good to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself lots of compliments, even if you think they are just lies (they aren't really - it's just how you feel right now).

Despite how you might feel now, you are setting a good example for your daughters. You are telling them: You are worth more than this. You do not have to put up with this. You deserve better.

And despite how you might feel now, you are setting a good example for yourself. YOU are worth more than this. YOU do not have to put up with this. YOU deserve better.

And you will find it.

This is excellent advice, every piece of it. I can see how excellent, now that I am at the other end of things. She did not let the fact that we were relative strangers keep her from opening her arms to me. She did not let the fear that she would offend me stop her from offering the support she could. She did nothing that tried to take away my agency, but she made it clear she was here to help in any way I would let her.

She is truly an amazing woman and certainly one of Christ's disciples.

The Family: A Damaging Doctrine?

2011-01-14T01:00:00.001-07:00

I have noticed a growing trend in various LDS blogs of referring to the "centrality of the family" in the LDS Church doctrine as damaging to the value and self-esteem of singles.

I don't buy it.

The doctrine of the family is multi-directional. Everyone, everyone is the member of a family, whether or not you have married and had children. And being the child of parents does not make you a child insgesamt or as a whole.

The doctrine of the family has everything to do with tribal bonding and non-sexual intimacy and loyalty, and very little to do with saying "I do".

Granted, the doctrine of the family, like much doctrine, is largely misunderstood, but to me that is a problem in application, not in doctrine.

The Doctrinal Side of Abuse

2011-01-11T02:00:00.000-07:00

The core of abuse is control. Any time we try to control another person, we are opening ourselves up to possibly abusing them. The main difference between "merely" attempting to control a person and actually abusing them is only by degree; how far are you willing to go to attempt that control?

This is why it is so difficult to label abuse, and why it is so difficult for victims of abuse to be believed. When a woman goes to someone and says "he got mad at me and broke some of my things," a typical first thought is something like, "well, that's not all that bad, I've wanted to break things before." Just like Satan's methods of leading us down to hell, the difference is gradual. Our desire to control our environment coupled with our belief in our own invulnerability, makes it all too easy to align ourselves with abusers rather than victims.

I remember hearing stories of abused women and thinking, "I would never let someone hit me." I've heard others say similar things, "Well, if it was me, I'd have kicked him right out of the house the moment he laid a finger on me."

But it's not that easy. Just like Bugs Bunny's lines to cross, there is never a clear-cut moment of no return until it's too late.

There are many cases where the priesthood has been used to attempt control. Often, this leaves members bitter about their experiences and cautious when dealing with priesthood leaders. But the Lord taught that those who attempt to control are not actually working by the powers of heaven. He also pointed out that most of us who are given power immediately try to use that power to control. In other words, the tendency to abuse is part of our natural man status, and is normal.

But normal does not mean acceptable.

I believe that one of the best weapons in the fight against abuse is self-realization. If we realize that all of us have this tendency to control, and that we are separated from abusers only by our unwillingness to go to certain lengths, we are empowered to recognize controlling behavior before it blossoms into abuse, both in ourselves and in others.

And, while I'll not go into detail here, there is much to be learned about the powers of heaven and the structure of eternity once we master this concept.

She Said, 2010

2011-01-05T15:00:00.002-07:00

Out of curiosity, I decided to do a recap of 2010 to go along with the change in design. 'Tis the month for self reflection, anyways, right?

So I created a Wordle of all the labels on my posts of 2010, and in the spirit of full disclosure, included a list of all the drafts I begun and never finished.

What I said in 2010:

What I didn't:

1/15/10—Abuse and the Atonement
1/26/10—Yearning for Something Greater
2/17/10—Wheat and Tares
3/11/10—Raw Faith
3/30/10—What I Have Learned
7/13/10—The Spiritual Significance of Trivial Tokens
7/20/10—The Rules, Agency and Freedom
8/3/10—If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!
8/10/10—Gay Marriage!
8/20/10—Priesthood, Stewardships and Lamp Oil
9/3/10—Abraham's Sacrifice
10/11/10—Stand for Truth and Righteousness
11/16/10—What I Learned From No Longer Being Married
12/14/10—Doing More

Thanks, But That's Not a Compliment

2011-01-03T04:00:00.001-07:00

After testifying for the first time in awhile yesterday, I was told by a woman in our ward that I was a "deep thinker". My first gut reaction was not positive (though naturally I covered this fairly graciously, knowing her intent was to compliment and not insult.) After thinking about it for some time, I realized a few reasons why I am not complimented by this.

First, I think no more deeply than anyone else. I spend far too much time on trivialities of daily life, and struggles with things I should have already mastered.

Second, by labeling me a "deep thinker", people are subconsciously excusing themselves from pondering over gospel topics. They are saying, essentially, that I think about the gospel because that is what I am, not because that is what I choose to do.

Lastly, I have also been labeled a "Kolob chaser" by a few in my ward. (Although the term is my words, not theirs.) As a person who chases after the so-called "deep doctrines", which in my mind are anything but deep, I am easily ignored as being too caught up in non-essentials, too "scholastic". This has cost me dearly at times, and probably will again in the future. All that is beside the fact that there are many, many more people historically and doctrinally educated than I am.

The truth is I really don't care too much about where Kolob is, how Heavenly Mother fits into the grander scheme of things, or how exactly Mary conceived Jesus. I don't do more than occasionally briefly speculate on such things. I try not to spend too much time on them because I figure that my spirit already knows them, they are just hidden behind the veil of mortality. I'm not particularly interested in wasting my time trying to guess at things I must already know or will more accurately learn after this life, and things that have little bearing on my duties to God here in mortality.

I do, however, take the gospel very seriously. I spend a lot of time self-analyzing and looking for ways to bring myself in closer alignment with God, ways to listen and respond better to the Spirit, ways to purge myself of resentment and other dark feelings before they become habits. That is no more than any disciple of Christ does. It is not particularly special or laudable.

A much better compliment to me would be something along the lines of, "you must really love the Lord." Because I want to. That is my life and my goal, however imperfectly I pursue it. I want to love the Lord not merely through my emotions, but through my actions, in a way that glorifies and serves Him.

I want to be someone in whom He can be "well pleased." That would be a compliment indeed.

To Know that Jesus is the Christ

2010-12-25T00:00:00.053-07:00

I'm not exactly sure when I first knew that the stories were true, that Jesus was real. My parents taught me to turn to the scriptures when I needed answers, to listen to the promptings of the Spirit for comfort and guidance. My first clear memory of a personal experience with scripture helping me happened when I was six or seven years old.

According to witnesses (mostly my mother), I was a very gregarious child. One of her favorite stories is of me jumping into the arms of a complete stranger at the grocery store. But in growing up, somehow that changed. I developed a very strong sense of caution when dealing with other people. I learned not to trust smiles, that kindly old gentlemen might be predators and friendly children might only be looking for an opening to attack.

When I was in college, I began going through a very painful internal struggle with myself. I realized that I had closed myself off from human connections because of my fear. I remember one night when neither of my roommates were home, I was wracked with silent tears as I visualized peeling away layer after layer of emotional armor which I had built over the years. Literally shaking, I remember the distinct impression of arms being wrapped around me. I remember not wanting to move for fear that the sensation would leave.

Similar experiences have happened to me since then, and I have been impressed with strong mental and emotional inclinations at various times, which I believe are from the Spirit. There have been times when those impressions have quite literally saved my life.

I have been going through a hard time over the past two years. In the aftermath of escaping an abusive marriage to the one person I allowed to get deeper into my heart than anyone before my children were born, I have found myself fighting against layering myself once again with emotional armor and closing myself off to the possibility of being hurt that deeply again.

But I know it is important to remain open and vulnerable to pain because that is what my Savior did. The angel asked Nephi once, "Knowest thou the condescension of God?" Like Nephi, I can reply that I know that God loves His children, but that I don't know the meaning of everything that has happened on this earth. More than two thousand years ago, a man who was God came to this earth, opening Himself up to all that mortality means; the pain, fear, discomfort, betrayal and sorrow.

Like me, He knows what it is like to be betrayed and rejected of those He loved most, those He called His "jewels". He knows what it is like to long for a place that feels like home. He knows what it is like to face His duty to the Father only to be afraid and wish that His life were something other than it was. And yet, He came. He came and He finished what He was sent to do.

I know that He is real as I know my own heart is real, for I have felt Him. I know that He is present in this great Mortality Play, and that He knows me. And for a God like that, I proclaim, "Hallelujah!" For a man like that, I will gladly fall to my knees and worship. For my Savior, I will continue to fight to remain open and vulnerable as my offering to an Almighty God, in the hopes of serving Him by serving His children.

I know He is, and He lives. Glory to God, Hallelujah!

Tochter Zion, freue dich!
Jauchze, laut, Jerusalem!
Sieh, dein König kommt zu dir!
Ja er kommt, der Friedenfürst.
Tochter Zion, freue dich!
Jauchze, laut, Jerusalem!

Zion's daughter, O rejoice!
Shout aloud, Jerusalem!
Lo, thy King doth come to thee,
Yea, He comes, the Prince of Peace!
Zion's daughter, O rejoice!
Shout aloud, Jerusalem!

Hosianna, Davids Sohn,
Sei gesegnet deinem Volk!
Gründe nun dein ewig' Reich,
Hosianna in der Höh'!
Hosianna, Davids Sohn,
Sei gesegnet deinem Volk!

Hail, hosanna, David's Son,
Be Thou to Thy people blest!
Thine eternal kingdom come!
Praise be sung to Thee on high!
Hail, hosanna, David's Son,
Be Thou to Thy people blest!

Hosianna, Davids Sohn,
Sei gegrüßet, König mild!
Ewig steht dein Friedensthron,
Du, des ew'gen Vaters Kind.
Hosianna, Davids Sohn,
Sei gegrüßet, König mild!

Hail, hosanna, David's Son,
Be Thou welcome, gentle King!
Firmly stands Thy throne of peace,
Thou, the Father's only Son!
Hail, hosanna, David's Son,
Be Thou to Thy people blest!

Tochter Zion, Freue Dich!
Heinrich Ranke (1798-1876)
Translation by H. Brueckner

Of Course There Is Nothing Wrong With Porn

2010-12-21T06:00:00.001-07:00

I have seen several arguments lately that pornography is a natural, and even beneficial behavior. I've noticed a few things about these comments.

First, they're almost entirely made by men.

Second, they make an age-old series of claims used by men the world over and from time immemorial to excuse their abuse of women. 1) That their sex drive is much stronger than a woman's, biologically, and that therefore a) a man can't help himself and b) a woman can't understand what it's like. 2) That because their drive is so strong, they must find an outlet for it (through porn or by guilting one's spouse into more frequent sex or uncomfortable sexual practices) or commit some other, "worse" sin. (In my personal experience, it was a threat of violence.) 3) That it doesn't hurt anyone. 4) That it's the guilt and shame that hurts, not the viewing of porn itself, and 5) that the porn can actually help increase intimacy in a real sexual relationship.

I've already written a post on what I think pornography really is (a realm where the person can be safely objectified and forced to perform to the viewer's fantasies.) With that in mind, I call baloney on the whole series of claims. First, I think it is more likely that men's sexual bullying techniques are more socially acceptable, not that their sex drive is generally higher. I also suspect that because women are a) more likely to be turned on by less visible things and b) not as often encouraged to be excited by visible things, and c) less likely to immediately betray their attraction, that their drives are less obvious.

Saying that men can't help it is selling their agency pretty cheaply. I'm a strong believer in personal responsibility. If they say they have to be either violent/promiscuous/etc. or sexual, they are threatening their partners and trying to shift responsibility for their behavior onto the partner. (Which is abusive, by the way.)

Also, pornography definitely hurts someone. It may not be the viewer in the most obvious ways, but it hurts those around them, particularly their partners. It is a not-so-subtle message that women are cheap, and that the partner isn't "enough" for the viewer.

Placing blame for the hurt on the guilt and shame is just another rather transparent attempt to avoid personal responsibility for the consequences of bad choices.

And there is no way that pornography (the objectifying of another person) can contribute to a spiritual, divine, intimate bond with a spouse. Just like the Spirit can't dwell in unclean houses, neither can respect for another live in the same place as pornography.

So I don't buy it one bit. And even though the easy topic is male-oriented porn, female-oriented porn (such as becoming sexually aroused by book characters) is just as objectifying and just as bad. So stop lying to yourself and take responsibility.

The Endangered Species of Housewives

2010-12-14T03:00:00.008-07:00

This is not about feminism, so please don't go there. It is a few thoughts about the value of having one dedicated stay-at-home spouse, and one dedicated work-outside-of-the-home spouse. Which spouse does which is not the topic I'd like to address here, because even though I believe in the guidelines in the Family Proclamation, I also believe in individual and familial adaptation and agency. (With my trust issues and other things, I do see value in having one gender primarily doing one or the other, but that is beside the point.)

I don't know many of my neighbors. No one in my family participates in community activities. I barely know anything about national political issues, let alone local ones. If I needed to borrow a tiller, I wouldn't know who to ask. If my neighbor needed to borrow my chainsaw, they probably don't have a clue that I have one. I don't really know if anyone on my street has kids my age, or what their names are. Very rarely does my family eat a meal that takes longer than 30 minutes to prepare. If I do take 30 minutes, I'm proud of fixing a "real meal". I have a few piles of things that need to be organized in my house, that I've just not found energy or time to organize. I don't decorate for Christmas beyond quick basics. My house is relatively clean and relatively comfortable, but not as much as I would like.

Of course, you might say that is because I'm a single mom. But if you examine my pre- and post-divorce schedules, that was just as much the case when I was married as it is as a single mother, probably more.

It is becoming increasingly necessary for two parents in a household to work. Strangely, it is a bit of a self-fulfilling problem. You don't have time to prepare meals from scratch, so you purchase quick-fix meals. You don't have time to decorate or clean, so you pay for others to do it. Rather than borrowing a tiller, you rent one from a home improvement store. All these things require money, so it becomes necessary to work in order to live the way you know how to live.

And meantime, we lose our sense of community. Interest and hobby groups take the place of geographical community. We are less exposed to things outside of our comfort zone. We live in our own isolated independent bubbles, spinning together briefly to touch on common interests. All those unseen, unsung contributions that the masses of stay-at-home housewives used to knit the community together have all but disappeared.

And almost none of those things have anything to do with having children.

Domestic Violence: It Could Happen to You, It Happened to Me

2010-12-12T04:00:00.002-07:00

Battering is the major cause of injury to women, resulting in more injuries to women than auto accidents, muggings and rapes combined.
Stark, E., & A. Flitcraft. (1988)
Violence Among Intimates, An Epidemiological Review,@ in
V.D. Van Hasselt, et al., (eds.), Handbook of Family Violence

Children witnessing the violence inflicted on their mothers evidence behavioral, somatic, or emotional problems similar to those experienced by physically abused children.
Jaffe, P.G., D.A. Wolfe, & S.K. Wilson (1990)
Children of Battered Women: Issues in Child Development and Intervention Planning
Newbury Park, CA: Sage

One study demonstrated that some fathers deliberately arrange for the children to witness the violence.
Dobash, R.E. & Dobash, R.P. (1979)
Violence Against Wives
New York: Free Press

One third of women in Utah (34%) have experienced Emotional abuse during the past year.
One in five women in Utah relate that their children witness or hear verbal abuse, while one in fourteen report their children witness or hear physical abuse.
Domestic Violence Incidence and prevalence Study
conducted for Governor's Commission on Women and Families
Dan Jones & Associates, Inc., April-May 1997

from DCFS Utah

I am an average LDS girl. I had a list of qualities I wanted in my future husband. I had a plan for a career. I graduated from BYU. I served a mission. I married after my mission. I had a child. I was abused.

If the statistics are even close to accurate, if it is true that one third of women are emotionally abused, the chances are stellar that there are at least 20 women in your ward or neighborhood who are emotionally abused. From my observations since being enlightened to domestic violence, I suspect there is at least one man as well, probably more.

My current point in recovery is a strange one. I mostly accept what happened to me. Now, I'm dealing with trust issues and a burning desire to never be taken advantage of again, and not to let anyone in my circle of influence let the least scent of emotional violence pass. I find myself extra sensitive to those who try to control by passing along little niggling comments. I'm not willing to let things like that slide any more.

One misconception about abuse is that spouse abuse is not necessarily child abuse. Wrong. Spouse abuse IS BY NECESSITY also child abuse, if there are children in the home.

Another big one is the thought that, "Well, if it were me, I'd hand him his head on a platter!" and other, less complimentary or refined comments.

It's not true.

The core of abuse, ANY abuse, is emotional. There can be emotional abuse where physical violence has not yet occurred, but there is no physical abuse that has not been preceded by emotional violence. And it's not like an otherwise decent spouse suddenly hauls off and hits you. He's worked hard to get you in an emotional state where you feel you deserve it or that you must endure it by necessity. An abuser's best protector is his victim. By design.

For those who have survived abuse, reading Brian Mitchell's trial transcripts or the account of Natasha who was taken for sex trafficking, can be a walk down memory lane. Unlike the physical abuse, they can seem quite subtle, those hints of emotional abuse, but they are there for those with eyes to see.

The main thing that most domestic violence victims have in common is a desire to do the right thing, to be a good spouse, child, or parent. It is not a character flaw that leads them to become abuse recipients, it is just wanting to be good.

That desire to be good is deliberately cultivated by abusers into a fear of being bad.

So don't think you're safe. Emotional abuse is different from rape, mugging, kidnapping, or other crimes mostly in that it is more difficult to prove.

The best way to fight against it is to learn about it and become aware of the signs of abuse that happen before they become physical. You could save someone, maybe your daughter or son . . . maybe even yourself.

Hide your heart from sight,
Lock your dreams at night,
It could happen to you.

Don't count stars,
Or you might stumble.
Someone drops a sigh,
And down you'll tumble.

Keep an eye on spring,
Run when church bells ring.
It could happen to you.

All I did was wonder how your arms would be,
And it happened to me.
—Frank Sinatra

No More Secrets, Utah

Singles of a Certain Age, or What I Wish Church Leadership Would Understand

2010-12-07T06:00:00.010-07:00

Since I can't write headquarters, and my local leadership either doesn't have the power to do anything, or doesn't listen, I'm going to vent my feelings here. Not that it does any good, but at least I got my thoughts out, eh? Blogging at its best.

As someone newly into the midsingles scene, I am finding a ever-flowing source of irritation at the current setup.

As they "graduate" from a YSA ward, most active LDS singles have a lamentable choice to make. They can join a singles ward, fade into a family ward or if they live in the right area, they can attend a midsingles ward.

The first choice, going to a regular 30+ singles ward, is Creepy with a capital "C", especially for women. What 30-year old wants to be hit on by 50+ men, unless they're gold diggers? And, quite frankly, most 50+ year old men in the LDS church aren't really the typical target of your average gold digger, get what I'm saying?

The second choice is lonely. Activities are family-oriented. Comments in church are inevitably unconsciously hurtful and condescending. And you are definitely cut off from chances to meet other LDS mid-singles in a real-life environment.

The last choice has its own plethora of issues. Firstly, midsingles wards and activities tend to be older versions of YSA activities. Well-adjusted midsingles, those with careers, houses, and possibly children of their own, are not as likely to be interested in a wash of dances and volleyball games. They have responsibilities, things that need doing. Being involved in thinly-clad excuses for flirtation games is not really that fun, once you've grown up. Would you, a married adult, like to have all your activities structured that way? Well neither do we.

The sort of midsingles who ARE attracted to those types of activities are not the type of people that well-adjusted midsingles are interested in dating or marrying, particularly those who have been in a serious relationship before. Qualities that make good marriage partners do not include playing volleyball or the ability to act like a fool on the dance floor. Those activities aren't bad, but they should not make up 99% of available activities. If I'm going to spend precious time away from my responsibilities to try to meet other singles, I want to be doing something real and productive, or at the very least interesting.

Secondly, a typical midsingle who attends these childish midsingles wards tends to see people of the opposite sex as a list to check on or off. Like internet dating, the focus is on quantity and speed. Are they active/financially stable/slender/unattached to children/tall enough/etc, etc, etc? Rather than getting to know a person for themselves, potential dates are all too easily checked off the desirable list by some quality they often can't help. (To be honest, I suspect this plays into why some LDS marriages fail, but that is a topic for another day.)

Treat us like people, not like marriageable objects. Do activities that married people would do. Set up kid-friendly potlucks or game nights. Coordinate community service projects. Hold mini-classes on various interesting topics like gardening, home improvement or gospel discussions. Throw in some fun and creative ideas to throw people together who wouldn't otherwise get to know each other, like occasionally offering babysitting for stake couples functions or organizing dating auctions for families in need. And schedule some things for earlier in the evening, or on Saturdays. Many of us have real jobs and have to get up early in the morning on weekdays.

And for our sakes, STOP telling us we need to be married. We know that. We know that more deeply and personally than you do. But we are people, outside of our unmarried state.

As President Hinckley said nearly 15 years ago, "Though you are so diverse in your backgrounds, we have put a badge on you as if you were all alike. That badge reads S-I-N-G-L-E-S. I do not like that. I do not like to categorize people. We are all individuals living together, hopefully with respect for one another, notwithstanding some of our personal situations."

Help us become worthy, contributing people regardless if we find a marriage partner. And know that for some, there are good reasons not to marry again, from same-sex attraction to emotional issues. Marriage is not an answer for life's problems. For some of us, not being married any more is an IMPROVEMENT on our previously married state.

And if we're going to marry, it will be because it is right, not because it is dutiful or convenient, and it will be to someone who is well-adjusted enough to have a life beyond flirting.

Something to Talk About

2010-11-23T01:00:00.002-07:00

Bookslinger makes a great point, and one of the reasons I've always loved that passage of scripture in Ether 12, along with the Lord making it clear that HE is the one to make weaknesses strong, not US.

For me, I think the reasons for not being more free with talking about my faith aren't that I'm worried about looking stupid or "uncool" (if I was worried about that, I think I'd have self-destructed years ago), but there are two things that feed into each other.

First, I take my religion very seriously, and hold it very precious. I spent 19 months parading my "pearls" out before people, testifying of things that I found so precious, only to see them trampled on. I come online and see them trampled on every day. So it's become harder for me to share as the years pass, unless I have some indication that someone really wants to know.

Second, I have developed a definite level of social anxiety. It takes effort for me to even look someone in the eyes, let alone talk to them about anything serious. Strangely, I have no problem performing in front of people. Then, it's the performance that is the focus, not me. I can pretend to be social, make small talk until the cows come home. But that isn't me. When it comes to sharing things face-to-face that actually touch on who I am . . . . Well, I'll just say it is also becoming harder and harder.

I think I always had a touch of that, but in recent years it's become almost a full-blown phobia. I suppose at the root of it all is fear, and I've not yet developed the perfect love that will cast that out. At least, not in the sense of random encounters to hand out Books of Mormon. So I post online, where there is a buffer between me and other people. This is where I bear testimony, pour out my heart.

There has to be a balance where my love for the gospel feeds into my love for other people. Obviously, if I truly got the Gospel, it would come despite my social fear of being a nuisance to people.

I know that "perfect love" doesn't mean trusting someone who is untrustworthy. I've done that, and know for myself that it is not of God. What does "perfect love" even look like? Is it possible to love perfectly when I have children to protect? To take Christ's example, perfect love is allowing others to have their way with you, assuming it is God's will. But without a clear conduit between me and divinity, how am I to know what is God's will and what isn't? I thought it was God's will for a person to keep peace with their spouse, that it was God's way to allow people room to change and grow and make their own mistakes. But again, I can testify that that doesn't really work.

So how does one begin to develop that perfect love for all men, as well as for the Lord? How does one get galvanized to share the Gospel with people who probably don't want to hear it, especially when many of them are predators waiting to strike at the least sign of vulnerability?

Growth of the Church in Germany

2010-11-10T01:00:00.007-07:00

I am not the best attendee of mission reunions, but I did attend last October, and I'm very glad I did. We had a segment presented by a German on how the missionary work is changing in Germany. I'm sure most of you are aware of the consolidation of missions and reduction in missionaries sent there and in other places.

But what I (and I assume most) didn't know is that the number of convert baptisms and retention is actually growing rapidly, especially among the "target ages" of twenties and thirties.

The burden of missionary work has been shifted from missionaries and put squarely on members' shoulders. And in true German fashion, the members have risen to the occasion.

Many have assumed that the missions are being consolidated from lack of interest and conservation of resources. But what the numbers are showing (according to the presentation I heard) is that when members begin to realize their own responsibility for teaching and nurturing converts in their own areas, you get more conversions and more baptisms. People take care of each other. Missionary work becomes more personal and more real. The wards and stakes become more Christian. And those who convert are serious about converting, and stay with it.

So the Church is not shrinking because of fewer missionaries in developed areas. It is growing.

I Don't Get Sports . . . or Politics

2010-11-08T03:00:00.002-07:00

Perhaps it is a product of moving around so much, but I really don't get sports. I just can't conceive of being so emotionally tangled up in what is, in the end, JUST A GAME. Maybe I don't have enough emotional real estate to spend it on that.

If I or one of my loved ones were playing, I could see getting excited about it. But not when I'm supposed to be rooting for a team which has nothing to do with me except it is nominally residing in the same place I am. (Not that ANY of the team members have any loyalty to that same place, it's all about the scholarship or the money, right?)

Same goes for politics. Do people really think a vote makes much of a difference? Even if I were able to slog through all the detritus that makes up political "commentary" (I prefer the word "kvetching") to sift out whatever grains of Truth Gold might be lurking beneath the manure, I believe that our system is deliberately organized to keep any one person from making all that much of a difference, even the President.

Perhaps especially the President.

And I don't believe that there are more than a handful of politicians out there who really want to do good. But I admit I've become a rather vehement cynic.

Does it really matter which color shirt you're wearing? It's all the same game, right? And the players in either game don't switch sides based on loyalties, believe you me.

You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All

2010-10-30T13:45:00.004-06:00

Do you ever wonder what to do or say when someone you know, whether bosom friend or barely-met acquaintance, is going through a terrible life-changing event?

There is no one good answer, but to be guided by the Spirit.

However, I know that the times I've been helped the most are the times when I've been just been listened to, hugged, and then simply told, "I'm so sorry." No one expects you, as a friend, to make it all better. But acknowledging the pain, being willing to "mourn with those who mourn," to help weather the pain even for a brief moment, is one of the most powerful things any human can do. It lets a person know they're not alone. And that's what most feel in times like this, even when it's not true.

It doesn't matter how a person got to their point of pain, whether their circumstances were preventable or not, what matters is that they hurt. Don't let anyone hurt alone. Put aside whatever personal beliefs about their situation or self-consciousness you might have, and just be with them.

That is what the baptismal covenant means, when we become members of His church. That's exactly what Christ would do, if He were here.

Exaltation Isn't Graded on a Curve

2010-10-25T12:00:00.000-06:00

http://rsc.byu.edu/blog/?p=903

Which is a great thing to keep in mind.

An Enemy to God

2010-10-12T03:00:00.003-06:00

There is a lot of talk and buzz about Elder Packer's talk. I'm not really going to address the thrust of all that, but there is one related aspect which I would like to address.

There is a claim that teachings such as those in Elder Packer's talk cause innocent children to kill themselves, that by teaching that certain behaviors are sinful, we teach that people are disgusting and enemies to God, and therefore they kill themselves. (Specifically according to many people's interpretation in this case, homosexuality, but I don't wish to address that specific. I want to re-broaden the principle to ALL sin, whatever you might consider to be sin. I believe that's really what Elder Packer's talk was about, and that homosexuality is only one example.)

As I first heard these claims, the scripture came to my mind, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord . . ."

Sin . . . all sin . . . makes us enemies to God. When we teach a person that their behavior makes them an enemy to God, we bring their attention to their behavior and give them a choice "to act according to their wills and pleasures, whether to do evil or to do good . . . ." In other words, we elevate their behavior from simple animal reasoning and reactions to conscious choice. We take ourselves out of the dust and reach for the divine within ourselves to act rather than to just be acted upon by our environment, by our genetics. We are no longer helpless victims of circumstance, but true children of the Most High God.

Teaching the commandments of God does not drive people to kill themselves, or leave the church, or turn into Church-active automatons. When we give commandments as God gives them, in an environment of charity and love, we make ourselves more than our physical, scientific bodies. We then have the chance to umkehren . . . turn around . . . repent. God created us to act, not to be acted upon. To Elder Packer's amended rhetorical question, "Why would Heavenly Father do this to anyone?" The answer is He would not. He would never create a person incapable of action, unable to fight against that which takes them away from Him, and then turn and hold them accountable. Some may have fewer opportunities for action than others (such as babies, the mentally damaged or others) but where there are fewer opportunities to act, there is less accountability.

So the answer is not to back down from the morality taught by God, whether it be homosexuality, anger management, or obsession with worldly possessions. It is to make certain that morality is taught in a framework of love.

And I think the Church does a great job of teaching that we make ourselves into enemies of God, and we likewise have the power to no longer be His enemy. Hopefully more people will get the knack of it before more children feel so unloved they choose to take their own lives.

A God of Pain

2010-09-27T03:00:00.002-06:00

Who hath believed our report?
and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed?

For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant,
and as a root out of a dry ground:
he hath no form nor comeliness;
and when we shall see him,
there is no beauty that we should desire him.

He is despised and rejected of men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief:
and we hid as it were our faces from him;
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he hath borne our griefs,
and carried our sorrows:
yet we did esteem him stricken,
smitten of God, and afflicted.

But he was wounded for our transgressions,
he was bruised for our iniquities:
the chastisement of our peace was upon him;
and with his stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned every one to his own way;
and the Lord hath laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth:
he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb,
so he openeth not his mouth.

He was taken from prison and from judgment:
and who shall declare his generation?
for he was cut off out of the land of the living:
for the transgression of my people was he stricken.

And he made his grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death;
because he had done no violence,
neither was any deceit in his mouth.

Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him; he hath put him to grief:
when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin,
he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days,
and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

He shall see of the travail of his soul,
and shall be satisfied:
by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many;
for he shall bear their iniquities.

Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great,
and he shall divide the spoil with the strong;
because he hath poured out his soul unto death:
and he was numbered with the transgressors;
and he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.

Isaiah 53

Who can be surprised that His discipleship also brings pain?

Conditional Love

2010-09-18T00:00:00.002-06:00

A discussion over on FMH really got me thinking about some of the choices I've made in the last decade, as well as how relationships and love work. They began talking about unconditional love in conjunction with some discussion on marriage and divorce. Some thoughts came to me which I felt were worth reproducing here.

Everyone’s love is conditional in one sense or other. True unconditional love in the sense that most people mean it—that I can do anything I want and not suffer loss of intimacy—CANNOT exist. That’s one thing I learned from my experiences in my marriage. I stayed with my ex-husband through some pretty scary times over the years because I believed in unconditional love like that.

But true unconditional love does not exist without boundaries or limitations. Conditions on love are different than boundaries. To set a condition on love means, “I will only love you if you do this.” That was something I experienced up close and personal in my marriage. Unconditional love really looks like, “I will always love you, but I’ll not be close to you if you engage in behavior that is destructive.”

I still love my ex, in the sense that I want what is best for him. I would love it if he would repent, become a good father and maybe even a good husband some day to someone else. But to the extent of my power, I will not let him hurt me or the children any more.

So I love him unconditionally, but I will not stay close to him unconditionally.

I think most of us have a pretty twisted sense of what real love is. I imagine this is what makes it hard to understand a God who wouldn’t just forgive all and let us all come back to live with Him no matter what we do. We conflate love and intimacy. I imagine that God will always love us, but we cannot be close to Him if we engage in destructive behaviors.

9/11 and the Mosque: It's Not About Religion

2010-09-07T03:00:00.001-06:00

I know there's a great deal of furor about the Mosque overlooking Ground Zero. I don't get it. I don't get it for a few reasons, some less noble than others.

First, I don't get 9/11. I know that is borderline unpatriotic, but I just don't get why it was so monumental. Maybe it is because as I was growing up, bomb drills were as much a part of the school practice as fire drills. Except, I never experienced a fire at school. Two of the "bomb drills" I went through were real. I had to carry an identification card around with me to get to my house. I've waited in line for over an hour just to get home so the bomb dogs and guys with the oversized dentist mirrors could go through every single car queued up to get on base. I lived as a child knowing that my house could be bombed, that my dad could be killed. That I could be killed in a heartbeat. It wasn't frightening, it was just how life was. 9/11 didn't carry the same punch for me that it seems to carry for most people.

Plus, I was in Germany when the attack occurred. Not only did I not live through the national panic, I experienced the anti-American rallies in the aftermath. I even suggested to my companion once or twice that we take off our missionary name tags so we could travel incognito and not start a riot. I worked hard to improve my accent in German rather than worrying about vocabulary so I could pass as British or Dutch in a pinch. I never had to use that, at least, but I was trained by life as a child how to blend in when necessary and knew it didn't hurt to be careful. I don't think all military kids learn these things, but my dad always encouraged us to immerse ourselves in our resident culture.

Which brings me to second: 9/11 wasn't about religion. It was about politics first and culture second. A good part of my life was spent in a first-world country that is not America. I lived a couple of years on a third-world island. I have seen for myself the range of emotions towards Americans ranging from excited interest through disdain to contempt. I have seen what we Americans do that justifies those sentiments.

If the attacks were about religion, there are many better religious sites that could have been destroyed. But there were no attacks on the Vatican, nothing against Notre Dame. The targets were 100% political and 100% American—a country which theoretically professes no religious alignment.

So why not let them build a Mosque near Ground Zero? Even in a worst-case scenario and the alarmists are right, that it is mockery of our culture and the Christian religion, so what? Why indulge ourselves in the self-centeredness which the rest of the world despises instead of celebrating the parts of America which make us great—our tolerance, our open arms to conflicting ideologies and points of view? We can always reclaim that mosque as a badge of honor, reform it into the gesture of mutuality they claim it is. And if the alarmists are wrong, and it really is intended as a gesture of goodwill, it is churlish and hypocritical of us to refuse it.

Patiently Wandering in the Desert

2010-09-03T06:00:00.007-06:00

"Out in the desert they wander,
Hungry and helpless and cold;
Off to the rescue he hastens,
Bringing them back to the fold."
LDS Hymns #221, "Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd"

But as much as He is hastening to rescue, it can feel like an eternity to the foolish, lost sheep.

As a student of pre-veterinary medicine, I once had the privilege of knowing a real-life shepherd. Not just a sheepherder, was Warren, he was a true shepherd. Even in an academic field with many colorful personalities (my friend and I used to joke that missing a body part was a prerequisite), he stood out. He was quiet and awkward until he stepped into the sheep pen, where he became a blaze of decisive ovine-oriented charisma. I found his personality utterly compelling, and I still wish I had a chance to learn more about him.

I competed once in a lively contest between my university and a rival for the honors of knowing which school was smartest in animal matters. There were several parts to the contest, once of which was a series of practical tests with a wide variety of beasts. One test was to catch and draw blood from a sheep while Warren looked nervously on. After our job was done, we asked Warren how the other teams had done. I vividly remember the pained look on his face as he mentioned that one team, cattlemen mostly, had attempted to draw blood from the tail. I realized at that point that Warren saw these rather stupid, belligerent animals as precious. He saw something in his charges that eludes me to this day.

Whenever I think of Christ as the Shepherd, I think of Warren and I try to remember that the Lord's sheep have value that I might not see.

Even the sheep that is me.

God Conforming to Men

2010-09-01T06:00:00.004-06:00

Something keeps coming up in the discussions of polygamy I see wandering about the web. I have heard it said that polygamy probably wasn't God's commandment because if it had been, the Church would not have discontinued the practice.

My question is why?

Why is it not possible that God could have the Church conform to legal laws when the tension between legal and spiritual laws becomes so tight, the Church as a whole faces extinction?

Wouldn't the Lord prefer we follow the laws of the land than have His authority and restored gospel lost from the earth again, especially when He promised that would not happen?

Isn't God adapting His laws to men what most of the Old Testament and Law of Moses is about?

How Many Ways Can We Think of To Put Down Utah/the LDS Church?

2010-08-26T10:45:00.003-06:00

Just in case you missed one. Here.

What other things can you think of that are SO MUCH WORSE in Utah?

I just hate the way Mormons grow their trees. Why so many treeless parks? Seriously! If they really were the true church, they'd have been contributing more to the ozone layer decades ago. Just goes to show how much that "revelation" is worth.

And Utah's enterprising LDS/Republican heritage has obviously led them to capitalize on the high demand for weed. They're so depressed and fat, obviously they need to self-medicate somehow!

The Value of a Woman

2010-08-24T07:00:00.003-06:00

I am a mother who has worked outside of the home by necessity. Part of me has resented the fact that I've not had a choice. As I look at the current climate of women's issues, an intriguing thought occurred to me.

Historically, there has been an undeniable lacuna between the value of a man and the value of the woman. Men have been valued by how robust they are, by how much money and how many decisions they can make. Women have been valued by their domestic skills, taking care of others. By their very natures, both have ideally been about putting others needs above their own, but for men that means being assertive, even aggressive to protect the interests of his family, for women it means being passive, yielding and gentle. For ease of reference, I'll call the stereotypical male values as "hard" and the stereotypical female values as "soft".

Over the course of time, intelligent women have looked around and noticed that soft values allowed those more "assertive" to take advantage of them, leading to abuse. Whenever someone is of a giving nature, there is always someone else waiting to push the boundaries of that giving, to strip as much advantage out of it as possible. So, those intelligent women saw a need to become more assertive, to adopt the harder qualities and prove that they, too, could be hard.

As a result, they have elevated the worth of those values even further. By looking at the difference in perceived value, and deciding that in order to become more valued, they must adopt hard qualities, they have essentially bought into the myth that the hard qualities are of more value than the soft ones. In a way of speaking stereotypically, women have sought value by becoming more like men.

I think this is addresses the symptoms of the problem, and ignores the real problem, which is that historically speaking, women do not feel valued.

Interestingly, the gospel teaches us the exact opposite: that the softer qualities are more valuable.

We see in scripture, however, that there are times which softer qualities are in danger of being completely wiped out by those willing to take advantage of them. In such cases, it is appropriate to take a stand. In other words, when abuse threatens, those harder qualities of assertiveness and even aggression have value.

So my thoughts are summed up like this: I think that women (and men) will be more benefited by lifting the value of softer qualities, rather than continuing to support the value of the harder ones. Let submission be seen as praiseworthy, let avoidance of the limelight be valued. Let those who sacrifice their own interests to clean house, take care of kids, serve in the community behind the scenes, be honored equally with those who gain educational achievements or business success.

The trick is knowing how to do it without being condescending. They have to be honored with more than lip service.

And, of course, by honoring those values loudly and publicly, perhaps their worth would be compromised.

The Covenant of Charity: Mourning With Those Who Mourn

2010-08-22T08:00:00.001-06:00

Last week, part of our Sunday School lesson addressed being cheerful and happy. It quickly became clear that most people subscribed to the "fake it 'til you make it" theory of life.

This didn't sit quite right with me, perhaps because despite being a naturally cheerful person and inclined to look on the bright side, I've not been particularly cheerful over a big chunk of my life.

As I was sitting there, pondering over this concept, the baptismal covenant found in Mosiah came to my mind.

". . . as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing . . . to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death . . . what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him . . . ?

As I thought of these words, I experienced an enlightenment.

Charity is not dispensing something from a heightened position. It is getting down in the trenches. That is why it is the "pure love of Christ". And that is partly why the Atonement had to happen.

By atoning the way He did, Christ demonstrated that He would get down in the dirt and grime with us. He showed that even though it was not His actions that brought about mortality, He would suffer it with us. He is not a God of dictum from on high, He is a God of the trenches.

I always knew that, I just needed to be reminded. And the question came to me, who needed me to get down in the trenches with them, "that [Christ] may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon [me]?"

Sure, the gospel is not a gospel of sad faces and flashy weeping and wailing. It is certainly important to be of cheerful countenance in the right times and right places. But it is also a gospel of mourning with a person who needs you, of being genuine and empathetic.

That is charity.

Religious Bully?

2010-08-19T12:30:00.000-06:00

Interestingly, the court in a recent court case in Utah ruled against privately-erected memorials for deceased highway troopers shaped like crosses, saying that they connoted an endorsement of Christianity.

I find it interesting because the predominant religion in Utah, although Christian, does not use the cross to symbolize its religion, and by telling private parties that they can't use certain symbols when erecting memorials, the state is interfering in church. From what I understand of history, the point of "separation of Church and State" was not to keep any person from mentioning religion, but to keep the government from subsidizing a particular religion preferentially. The only ways that would cause a problem is if someone desired to erect a memorial for a state trooper in another religion's symbol for death and was refused, or if the government was somehow paying to have a religion promoted.

To me, this is clearly a case of drawing boundaries around the law which interfere with other core legal principles. By refusing the right to put up memorials with any sort of historically religious connotations, the government is controlling a party's right to religion. But I'm neither a lawyer, nor a historian.

I also find this interesting because I have lately come to realize that fears have become a part of my life which could potentially cause the very things I fear.

By being so afraid of any tint of religion in government, we are giving the government a religion: atheism. Shouldn't the point be to celebrate/tolerate all religions which do not interfere with life, liberty or property, not forbid them? Isn't the point to keep the state from becoming a religious bully?

Odd that the Founding Fathers' attempts to prevent religious bullying are now being used to create it.

The Five Selfish Virgins

2010-08-15T08:00:00.000-06:00

"Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh."
Matthew 1

When I was a little girl, I had a bookmark like the picture above. I remember studying it for hours, along with the description on the back by the artist, Gayla Prince, during various Church meetings.

It wasn't until lately that I began to understand the parable of the ten virgins in a different way. Now I understand better the pain that both sides must have felt. Now I see that the parable is not one of five who are righteous and five who are wicked, but about ten righteous people, five of whom believed they understood and could control their circumstances. It wasn't just a matter of not being prepared, it was a matter of feeling that someone else would solve their problems for them.

I am naturally inclined to what I've come to call a "Savior complex" in that I attempt to save everyone. I want everyone to be happy and enjoy blessings. In the past, I have been willing to neglect my own salvation in favor of others, feeling that I was selfish or self-centered for not focusing on others' comfort. Yet, I have since been strongly taught by the Spirit that it is not my place to try to save others.

That place belongs to Christ and Him alone.

It is a nuanced form of pride to believe that I can stand in His place, replace His work in others' lives. I don't yet know entirely what my place is in His kingdom, but I know that "Savior" is not it. The wise virgins cannot save their companions, no matter how much they might wish to. The relationships between Christ and each of His disciples is His responsibility and the individual's.

And unfortunately, that means that those who believe in Him without being willing to do what is necessary to be with Him may not be recognized by Him when the time comes. The five who were wise were not only wise because they were prepared, they were wise because they knew they could not give others salvation.

"Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost . . . ."
Moses 4

Gay Marriage?

2010-08-08T07:25:00.002-06:00

Prologue:
I recognize that some are going to want to attack me for these thoughts because they don't agree with them. Before you do so, know that such aggressive behavior has already done more to hurt your cause than help it.

I'm not entirely at peace with either side of the gay marriage debate. What I do know for certain is that I don't want anyone unable to live without physical or undue emotional harm because of their moral decisions unless those moral decisions directly hurt another person's ability to live without physical or undue emotional harm. Hurting someone in any way just because they don't agree with you is inexcusable.

This is rambling, because rambling is exactly how I feel about this issue. I can see good and bad to both sides of the argument. Originally, I supported legalizing gay marriage. But, as I've listened to the debate, the pro-gay-marriage side has made me a lot more hesitant to support it. Their arguments for gay marriage have done more to frighten me about the possible ramifications than the arguments against have convinced me.

"Sexual orientation is not what I do, it's what I am. Either accept what I do, or you are rejecting me, and are my enemy."
For me, sexual orientation IS a choice. I choose as a woman, not only to be attracted to men, but to be attracted to a certain type of man. For me, having sex is even more of a choice. Sometimes it is a more difficult choice than other times, but it is always a choice.

I believe sin is anything that turns us away from God and His purposes. I believe homosexuality is a sin. So is extra-marital sex between a man and a woman. So is incest. So is sex with a minor. The last two are punishable by law, the first two are not. If I suspect the latter two, I'm going to get involved. The former two, I am not. I'm not going to avoid anyone just because they don't agree with me. I am going to avoid people who tell me I either have to agree with them, or I'm their enemy. That gets scary, and reeks of fanaticism.

As much as some people would like to make it so, this is not a simple decision between being homophobic or accepting homosexuality. Homosexuality is ALREADY tolerated by the majority of people, even if they don't like it or agree with it. There are shades of gray between toleration and condoning.

"Marriage is a right. You are denying us our basic rights."
Marriage is not a right. It has nothing to do with basic survival. I don't have the right to marry whomever I want. I have no right to marry a family member or a minor. I don't have the right to marry multiple people. Marriage by law is a privilege. Some think it is a privilege that should be extended to same-sex couples, some do not. Some think it is a privilege that should be revoked entirely.

"If you don't let us marry, it is because you hate us."
Sometimes I don't give my children what they want because I love them, and I think that what they want will hurt them.

I have made many decisions that were unpleasant for both me and the other person because I loved them. I choose to see homosexuals as more than just their homosexuality. I see the person, not just the orientation.

"People should be allowed to do what they want to do. It's not hurting anyone else."
There are some moral decisions that are not compatible with society. That is a given. That is what law is for. Whether or not gay relationships should be sanctioned by society, whether or not each individual believes them to be compatible with living in a society, is the issue. It is not just a matter of allowing gay relationships, it is a matter of believing whether or not it is something that government funds and support should be given to the same way as heterosexual relationships wherein future citizens, children of both parties, could potentially be given life. It's also a matter of convincing the general populace that it really won't hurt anyone else.

Marriage is not an island. It affects law and society in a myriad of ways that can't all be foreseen. Any great societal change should be done with caution. In order to change how marriage is done in society, we should be careful. The burden of proof always rests on those who agitate for change of any kind.

I believe that children benefit by having a good role model of each gender. I don't think that having two parents of the same gender immediately harms a child. But if I had a choice between two sets of equally great parents, one gay and one heterosexual, I think there is an advantage in a child having access to both gender role models. I reject the notion that the male and female genders are the same. I think that biology gives each uniquely different ways of coping with the world that are often strengthened by cultural bias (at times strengthened too much). But I still believe there are differences in general, though they vary from individual to individual. I believe they are differences that can complement each other as a parental unit seeks to teach a child ways to cope with the world.

"This is no different from segregation."
The civil rights movement came after a majority had already voted in favor of emancipation, after a war was fought over it. Some people were disobeying law that had already been decided by the majority and the outcome of the war. So far, the majority has decided against (not for) gay marriage, so far, the war is not yet won by either side. At this time, the analogy is not a good one.

Once the legislative body creates a law requiring the extension of marriage to gay couples, until gays are forcefully kept from drinking at certain water fountains, patronizing certain public establishments and sitting in certain seats, the analogy does not hold up. If that does happen, there should certainly be steps taken to punish those who instigate it. That is unequivocal in my mind.

"You can't use your religion to vote."
You have no right to tell me what can and cannot factor into my voting decisions. I have every right to let my religion affect my votes, just as you have a right to let your sexuality affect yours. More than anything, this argument irritates me the most and makes me want to vote against merely to prove I can. It is my vote for a reason, not yours.

Epilogue:
All of these rantings make me nervous that those who want to marry are not truly trying to help gays or society in general so much as they are wanting to win. It feels like they think that all who disagree with them are closed-minded bigots, and they just want to crack their heads open both figuratively and literally. Their goal seems to primarily be to force others to agree with them, not to win something tangible for themselves. It is almost like the marriage itself has become a side note.

And an actual quote:
"We hope you’ll change. You might not, but we hope you and the church will. This is why we insist on calling your stance homophobic and bigoted, so that you don’t feel comfortable about your positions."
Which sums up perfectly what I mean by this post. This openly admits an attempt to manipulate through shame, to control another person's behavior. While I understand the same can be said in the other direction, that still makes me suspect the motives. I don't call you names, please try to extend the same courtesy to those who are genuinely trying to understand.

I know a lot of people have been hurt because of things that other people have done to them, and want to lash out. Understandable, but not reassuring. Not calculated to persuade me to change my mind back to what it was.

I hurt most of all for those who are caught up in the crossfire: those who are truly wanting to follow God's will, but struggle with feeling inadequate or intrinsically deficient. I know how that feels, and I'd not wish it on anyone, no matter why you feel that way. I wish we could all have a good cry on each others' shoulders.

So I've saved for last what I think is the most important part of this whole debate. Know that even though I'm confused and conflicted about the various points, and I definitely don't understand all the ins and outs and possible ramifications of one decision or the other, even though I most definitely do not agree with certain tactics and attitudes on both sides of the fence, there is One who knows and understands it all. It doesn't matter who you are, He understands you and loves you. He wants your eternal joy, not just your immediate happiness. It doesn't matter if I ever fully understand how you are feeling, because He does.

And that is all that really matters, in the end.

Leave Utah Alone

2010-08-06T05:00:00.000-06:00

This is not a spiritually uplifting post. This is a rant.

I wish all you non-Utahns, especially, would quit knocking Utah like you know something about it. I grew up in the military. I've lived tons of places, mostly outside of Utah.

And I can testify right here and now that, while Utah culture has its quirks, they are no worse or better than any other place. So leave it alone, already!

Menschenskinder!

The Benefits of Red Wine, Without the Alcohol

2010-07-30T10:09:00.000-06:00

I thought this product has fascinating possibilites, though I've never tried it. Perhaps there is an alternative to alcohol when cooking that keeps the flavor?

There are also sherry and Chablis versions, besides the Burgundy.

Why I Still Belong to the LDS Church

2010-07-19T18:00:00.001-06:00

I hear so many accounts of people leaving the LDS Church because they found more spiritual growth outside of the Church, rather than inside with its "boring meetings", "dreadful art", "horrid music" and lack of spiritual stimulation. Other people leave because they can't reconcile the divinity of the Church with its mundane, careless, insulting people. Others leave because the Church asks too much, or too little, or gives too little or not the right way.

I had an experience recently where I was sitting in the foyer of someone else's ward building, waiting for the sacrament to be brought out. I felt very alone and unwelcome.

As I was sitting and fretting about my place in the Church and what others thought of me in it, I had one of those rare unmistakable messages from divinity enter my mind.

"This is not their Church, it is mine. And I say you have a place here."

I had forgotten.