Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth; Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.
Suddenly, I had one of those epiphany moments, where you feel that the Spirit has been a bird, waiting for you to read those words so He could swoop down on you and testify that they are meant for you. I have been having a really rough time for several years, now. The details are far too personal, but I have been wracked with self-loathing and -uncertainty because I feel that a major decision I made - despite feeling that it was of God at the time - was wrong.
But this verse and the Spirit have testified to me. I did ask of the Lord. I thought he did "enlighten my mind." Though I had had doubts, I can't deny that I felt the classic lightening of the mind when I asked if my choice was the right one. I feel that the Lord is promising me that I was indeed enlightened of the Spirit, and not my own desires.
I have been struggling especially lately with a feeling of worthlessness to the Church and to the world at large. Many people have corroborated this feeling. I still don't understand why people are so intent on telling me how and why I am a failure. But here, the Lord is telling me that no one knows my thoughts and intents save He. Whatever my social skills, whatever my behavior, He knows how I intended to be. He knows my desires. Therefore, only His opinion can count for anything.
I really need to get myself back to the point where I commune with Him. This distance is tearing me apart. Perhaps this verse is the key to softening my heart. Perhaps I can cast off the shackles of popular opinion and learn once again to serve the Master of my heart.
What a beautiful testimony of Scriptures having application right to one's own life! I don't do too much self-loathing these days. Without the kindness of others, I do not believe I would have achieved my present level of functioning. I have carved out a life with my limitations. I really thank God that I have any lucidity left after where I have been and that I have any personality. I think that I like to cling to my condition in a way that it gives me an excuse. I give myself credit for what I do and much of what I do not do, I chalk up to my condition.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated this post. I am in a mode where I am seeking all the more to decrease my external focus and seeking for validation and to turn to the Lord more. I appreciate not only the "cast not therefore away your confidence" element of this post, but also that reminder to look heavenward, not sideward.
ReplyDelete(Have you heard that Elder Holland talk? If not, get thee to byu.tv and listen to it!) :)
Silver Rain, I think that when someone is talented and has much potential that he or she may often measure their work in terms of production. Also, people can feel unworthy at times to do what they desire. In life there is a lot of stuff both external and internal that we go through. Some of what we go through is situational and other things is by our choices. This stuff may be shaping you to be of use in ways that you would not imagine. Even the feelings of inadequacy may be able to make you a better tool to others as you will have empathy. Life can be humbling. And being humbled can be good unless you are the one putting all those bricks in your backpack that could be lightened by just easing up on yourself.
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