I went to the temple again for the first time in awhile. It's funny to think that, at one point, I went every week, craving the peace and tranquility, the feeling of home. Now attendance is painful. I don't really feel a part of anything there any more, and what I do feel causes me to cry, which I hate doing. But I went because I knew I needed to, and because I had promised my mother I would.
I walked through the doors feeling like I did not belong. As I went through the foyer, I felt all eyes on me. My shoes, the only black dress shoes I own, squeak loudly when I walk, a fact that wasn't nearly so noticeable when I was walking outside. I wondered if they saw me as the interloper I felt, with my squeaky shoes announcing my presence with every step. I never liked those shoes particularly, but for a moment they became the symbol of all that has gone wrong in my life, of all that has labeled me a failure, and I hated them. I kept walking anyways.
Because scheduling is pretty tight, and because I didn't know if I could endure an endowment session just then, I participated in initiatory. I did fairly well at first, but by the second name I could no longer help myself, and tears rolled down my cheeks. One kind ordinance worker also teared up. I'm sure she thought I was moved by the Spirit, but I wasn't. I was moved by self-pity. I hated myself for that, too, wishing and praying that my feelings were different than they were.
Midway through the third name, a new worker came in. She had never done this particular ordinance, and she stumbled over nearly every phrase. I smiled at her, and nodded reassuringly, glad to have something to think about besides my own inadequacies. Her trainer said, "She is just learning." I crumbled as the Spirit electrified that message in my heart. I realized that I am just learning, too. I'm new to my particular position in life, and I am just learning how to do it, making mistakes, feeling inadequate.
As I walked out of the temple in my squeaky shoes, I realized that they didn't matter. Perhaps others were looking at me, wondering why I wore such noisy shoes, wondering if I even belonged in the temple at all. Maybe I don't really belong there. In the Atonement of Christ, it doesn't matter. I am just learning.
Dear Heavenly sister,
ReplyDeleteThanks for going to the Temple, you did good; I’m glad your mom gave you such wise advice, there is a healing power in the temple. I wish you could see and understand , who you were before we came here and how valuable you are to our Heavenly Father. The sister that created this blog and posted here has great faith, I have felt that faith and spirit when I read your posts. The great anguish that you are feeling now is apparent in your post, but I know that you will have that healing you seek in the end because of your faith, I know you are valiant.
I believe satan is constantly whispering to our spirits trying to convince us we are not worthy of God’s love and to convince us to run and hide from Father, he tries to convince us we are broken, un-loveable, and un fixable, I think all of us have been deceived by satan in our thoughts at times. I think that Michaela’s comments to your previous post were very wise.
If you could see into the Eternities you would know how loved you are by a multitude of people and by our Father and his Son. I testify of that, and you know it is true deep down inside.
You are Loved, You are strong. we pray for you.
P.S. when this life is done, when you walk up to the Vail; we’ll know it is you coming when we hear the squeaky shoe.
We are all still learning.
ReplyDeleteWithin our various situations, we all have learning to inadequately fumble through.
What I love about you, SilverRain, is your ability to continue to trust God and to have hope, even through your pain.
And I rather like Allan's imagery of you walking up to the veil in your squeaky shoes. Yet He will know your face, regardless of what is on your feet...
What an experience. Bless you for recording it.
ReplyDeleteTender mercy. God is aware of you.
Remember Who You Are, friend.
I just started reading your blog and just have to say I think we all walk into the temple with figuratively squeaky shoes. Not a single one of us is perfect--or close to it.
ReplyDeleteThat the beautiful thing about the gospel and our knowledge of the atonement--that Christ does for us what we cannot do for ourselves. He takes us with all of our fears, weaknesses, imperfections, and frailties, and makes us whole.
I look forward to reading your previous posts, but thanks for your blog. It's beautifully written and sincere.
""She is just learning." I crumbled as the Spirit electrified that message in my heart. I realized that I am just learning, too."
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. There is peace, love, and growth in those words. Thank you.
this is beautiful. beautiful. bless you.
ReplyDeleteThank you, everyone. I had been praying for a spiritual experience, and can feel all of your prayers on my behalf.
ReplyDeleteI am learning how important it is not to let others' behavior intimidate you from doing what brings you joy in the Spirit. No one should be given the power to separate you from God.
Thank you for this. So so good.
ReplyDeletelove and support to you-
this is the first post I read. thanks!! I love it. :) Thanks. I'll be reaading your blog more I'm sure!!
ReplyDeletesending my love to you!
gala