The Liberal Mormon

Why, when those who agitate, prod, question and demand call us "TBM" as though belief is something shameful, do we turn around and label them as "Liberal Mormons," mock them with "clever" poetry, and pat ourselves on the back for not being like them?

Are we so jealous of their position that we must toss away the better part of faith in Christ in order to join them in the work of destruction?

Far better that we remember: obedience is unto righteousness, faith is unto the power to heal the brokenhearted, and exaltation can never be achieved without the pure love of our Savior coursing through our collective soul.

If we cannot hang upon our own cross of public opinion and summon an outpouring of love for our accusers, we can never be the disciples of Christ that we think we are.

I'm Watching You

So this would have been more appropriate in October, with the creep factor and all, but I didn't think of it then. With my diminished interest in commenting online, I have found myself prioritizing what I read, too. I've noticed that when I see someone has commented, there are a few names which always interest me in the original post and make me click over to read.

There are, of course, other people whose comments I appreciate. I'm bound to think of more and come back to add them later. And certain topics grab my attention, no matter who addresses them. But if you ever wondered if I blog-stalk you, this is your time to find out. Think of it more as a "I'm thankful for these people's online participation," and it can be appropriate for November, too. And a bit less creepy.

In basically alphabetical order:

"It's Personal"

Like everyone who wants to do better, be better, I sometimes struggle with my relationship with divinity. I have been amply blessed in a myriad little ways. Nothing major, until recently, but repeated small nudges to say something or check on something that ended up saving me just enough to keep me sane. Some days, it has felt like I'm barely holding on with torn and bloody fingernails, but have been touched with just enough extra energy to keep holding on. It is like I'm part of a vast chorus where, hoarse and broken, my voice does far more to create dissonance than beauty.

Recently, the hand of the Lord has been much more obvious. For the last month or so, I have been attending a ward temporarily while I am in transition from one house to another. This ward has several women who are going through divorce. As I've learned of them, and heard some of them speak, I felt prompted to bear my testimony in Fast and Testimony meeting.

This was a difficult proposition because my testimony, as I have said before, is not smooth and pretty, cut to show light and sparkle. It is cracked, crazed, with deep inclusions. It's a bit off-color. The deliverance I've prayed for over the last several years has been slow in coming. Most days are beautiful, but I still sometimes crack under certain types of pressure which I feel ought to be long gone. I'm still triggered, sometimes, over silly things.

I've been in a liminal state for some time, but it is a liminal state where I feel unseen things are happening, that I am being pruned and developed for some specific purpose. I am changing in ways I can't quite see, let alone quantify. I have started several drafts for blog posts but never finished them. I find myself with few comments to make on others' posts. Whatever changes I'm going through don't fit labels easily. I am becoming, but I'm not becoming anything.

Laugh With Me

Sometimes it is worthwhile to call out bullies, even relatively harmless internet bullies. So, since this particular bully finds himself unable to allow the entirety of this exchange to post on By Common Consent, I post it here, if for no other reason than to show that he doesn't intimidate me. In fact, I find the whole thing pretty funny.

My comment was made on a thread unfavorably comparing Mormon service to Pentecostal service. Normally, I skim over those kinds of posts but don't bother commenting because they are all too common and all too typical. But this one had a really good message, I thought, behind the dig at the Mormons and how we aren't good enough. It was contrasting service as a duty and ministry, which I feel is a powerful and poignant lesson. Unfortunately, because of the way it was framed, it almost immediately devolved to the plebeian and predictable critique of Mormons and how we're not charitable enough. Because of the good message, I thought I might say as much and counteract the trend by mentioning that Utah is known for generosity.

The Seth Smith Viral Marriage Post

An email to Matt Walsh, after his response to Seth Smith's viral post:

---

I have occasionally read your blog posts, and mostly agreed with you. But I wanted to share a different perspective on that viral blog post by Seth Smith. I don't exactly disagree with him, but I don't exactly agree, either. I hope you consider what I'm trying to say.

See, I used to believe exactly what Seth Smith wrote about marriage, which is how I lost myself to an abusive marriage. I'm LDS, too. I take the scriptures very seriously. When I made a covenant with my God in His temple, my future-ex-spouse across the altar, I meant every word. I was prepared to give all I had to him. And I did. Piece by piece until there was nothing left. I'm not going to tell you my whole story, but I'm going to try to share part of it in an attempt to illustrate what I mean.

A Wounded Heart

There was a time when I loved discussion. There was nothing I liked better than mulling over an idea in an environment of healthy opposition. But something has happened to me over the last year. My care is broken, and I'm not sure why.

Perhaps it is because people seem so bent on proving other people wrong. It's not about exchanging ideas or sharing a different perspective. It's about passion. Whoever yells the loudest and can get the most friends rallied to their cause wins.

I thought it was stupid in grade school when mutual nemeses started lunchtime fights, and it hasn't gotten any more attractive in full grown adults. I think that's a big part of why I haven't been participating in blogging much any more. I don't comment nearly as much, I don't even write that much. I'm just over it.

Prayer as the Answer

This post over at Real Intent does a much better and kinder job of explaining some things I have been trying to say.

I have found this principle to be true, especially when combined with earnest entreaty.

Faulty Blogchambers

J. Max Wilson presents an excellent analysis of online blogging dynamics, public agitation, and self-reinforcing online opinions. I think the principles he discusses apply to much more than just LDS agitation, as I've also seen the pattern replicated in political realms.

Billboards and the Words of the Prophets

There is a fine line between control and persuasion. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the difference, particularly in ourselves. Particularly when we are passionate about something, or when we want what is best for the people we are trying to control. There is a reason there was a war in heaven, and it’s not because relinquishing control is easy.

Very few people set out to control another person. Few of us sit down and think, “Now, how can I make them do _____?” And yet, we do it all the time.

Recently, I posted something about an Orem billboard, which attracted a great deal of negative attention. I can understand why. I was criticizing the action, and doubting the pure intentions of the people who created it, and it is all centered around the question of how to use the words of Prophets, Apostles, scripture, and Church leaders in our lives.

How the Internet is Ruining the World

And I'm not even going to talk about spelling and grammar.

More and more people are not only expressing their opinions, but doing so in a harsh, threatening, or violent way. People seem to think less and less of threatening a person's life because they are racist, or against gay marriage, or FOR gay marriage, or baptizing proxy for someone's deceased family members, or for participating in a group of people that also includes someone else with any of those qualities, or any number of opinions that are repugnant to them.

You see, anyone can have opinions nowadays, even about things that don't really affect them. Just the other day, I was solicited to sign a petition for something in an entirely other state. Which I refused because it's none of my business what another state decides to do with their law.

But that's just it, people think everything is everyone's business. Not only do we disrespect privacy, we actually castigate people who refuse ideological exhibitionism.

The Death of Pretty?!

The Christian internet is a-rave with this article entitled "The Death of Pretty." Most of the women I know are in paroxysms about how wonderfully liberating it is. Finally, a man who is condemning the overt sexuality of women!

Hogwash.

I submit that this article is worse even than overt sexualization. At least when men overtly reduce a woman to a sexual object, it is clear and easy for any third party to see. But this, this hoodwinks those women who escape the pressure of body hatred into eagerly reducing themselves to an object of another kind.

I Hate the Term "Chicken Patriarch"

It is demeaning and inaccurate. It mocks men who are trying to be righteous, and women who are trying to understand. It betrays a smug superiority. It belittles righteousness. And it doesn't even describe what it labels very well, making it sound like the decisions are made through fear and not respect.

That is all.

How to Teach Sensitive Topics

In a not-so-recent blog post, Tracy M. discusses the pain she feels when marriage and family is taught in Church. As a single mother myself, I understand the pain, but I strongly disagree with the post.

One of the suggestions which is made is that we as a church should "teach only Christ." What is that supposed to mean, anyways? Teach about Christ and the events His life? Because while useful for grounding in the Gospel, it's not enough to teach about Christ, you have to teach how to become like Christ. That comes with navigating all the prickly non-ideals. And sometimes, discussing the ideals can hurt those of us who find ourselves unable to live up to them. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be taught.

I don't think that minimizing pain should be a significant goal when teaching gospel principles. Taken to the end of that logic, we would never teach any modes of behavior for fear of offending someone. The Gospel is a gospel of change. It is supposed to prick us a bit, goad us into changing our lives to be more like Christ.

I'm Not Dead Yet

I had the beginning post of a series scheduled when Blogger fritzed. It ate my first post, and while the Blogger gurus have restored the second post four times, they seemingly can't restore my original post.

I've not posted in awhile, trying to get this up and running again, but right now I have too much snafu offline to focus on a post I had already written.

I'll give a teaser, though: it's about Apostasy and Forgiveness. I promise I'll get to it again at some point.

Internet Stalking: an Apology and a Statement of Independence

For those of you who are not aware of the situation, my ex-husband continues to internet stalk me by reading this blog (among other things). Despite knowing that this is a public blog, and that he is therefore reading my posts and possibly commenting on them, I have consciously chosen to continue to post about my experiences both in the gospel and in healing from abuse, rather than closing my blog, in the hopes that someone out there will see my struggle and find hope and strength.

He has decided to try to push this stalking one step further by "shar[ing] his perspective" in comments here. I suspect he has done so in the past under Anonymous, which is why I have disabled anonymous posting.

I will not be intimidated like so many women before me.

I will also not knowingly allow him to post here to slander me. As Jessica has pointed out in a comment on my previous post, he is always free to start his own blog, and I am not the only witness to his behavior towards me. I leave judgment up to the Lord, and just try to heal as best I can and serve others by what I have experienced.

In general, as most of you have seen, I have a fairly open-minded approach to views that oppose mine. I do not, however, feel any obligation to allow him to continue the slander he has attempted to spread amongst my friends and family here on my blog, where I have the power to stop it. Nor will I allow him to intimidate me.

I am sorry for those of you who have to witness this little back-and-forth, and am grateful to those of you who defended me when I was spending time with my children rather than haunting the internet, guarding against his attacks.

Although the effects of the abuse I have survived continue to trouble me at times (as evidenced by my posting here), as a person my ex-husband means next to nothing to me. In my offline life, the pain of abuse is not even as strong as it seems here, since I post here about things I hope can help inspire others, and not about the realities of my day-to-day life. I am not angry with him, except when he tries to attack me through my children, and I do not hate him. If anything, I am sorry for him because he will probably never know the joy of the type of selfless friendship I have been given in my times of trouble, nor is he likely know the bittersweet beauty of being shown one's own weaknesses by the Lord, finding strength to accept and face that weakness, and seeking for forgiveness of all the many things I have done wrong.

He is the father of my daughters, and is part of their lives, but thankfully no longer a part of mine. As the father of my daughters, I have tried to respect his privacy by discussing only the experiences and feelings I have personally, by refraining from attacking him in any way, and mentioning only the objective and provable facts if absolutely necessary to communicate my point. Because of the truth of what I state and his own insecurities, he will feel attacked no matter how careful I try to be, and I am sorry for that. But not sorry enough to be silenced. I know that what I have gone through is real, and it has nothing to do with him or his perspective.

Naturally, he is free to try to intimidate me, but as the wise words of an otherwise rather silly girl once aptly stated:

"You have no power over me."

The Myth of Happiness

I read a recent Salon.com article about a non-LDS woman who finds herself obsessed with Mormon Mommy-type blogs. Now, although I am both Mormon and a Mommy, and though I blog, this blog is not really a Mormon Mommy type blog (though I do sort of have one). I'm not really sure what type of blog this is, to be honest. I suppose, like the title suggests, it documents my spiritual and emotional life, the things I think about and struggle with on an internal level.

I don't know that most of what I blog about here are strictly "happy" things. They are faithful and hopeful, I hope, but not particularly "happy".

In reading the comments, I noted that an overwhelming number of the comments treated the Mormon Mommy blogs as fake. Whether they supposed they were commercial or evangelical efforts, the general consensus seemed to be that "Mormon women cannot be as happy as they seem, so they are being deceptive. Deception is for a reason, therefore they must be getting something out of this." Plenty of people cited the old Utah Women Take Antidepressants study, many others delighted in highlighting the "dark side" that must exist.

Of course there is some filtering when it comes to blogs. Whatever the main focus of the blog, not everything in a blogger's life ends up online. But these women have chosen to highlight the things that bring them joy. Very few of them sound to me like their "faking it until they make it" online. They genuinely seem to find things to be happy about. Of course, it is possible that if they were suffer some life-altering disaster, such as divorce or losing a child, that the walls would come tumbling down, but as NieNie has demonstrated, this isn't necessarily the case.

I think this is the key. Too often, we expect to be happy when certain conditions are met. But I believe that true happiness is generally unconditional. It is a choice. I've had a really hard time in my life the past several years. And yet, there are many things that have brought me immense joy. Some of those things I remember to chronicle in my "mommy blog", but some of them are just for me. Some of these things are things that others might not expect me to find joy in, given my circumstances, such as the doctrine of eternal families, having occasional alone time, watching my children grow.

True, I could look at the lives of some of these women and be jealous. To be honest, sometimes I am. The husband/provider, wife/caretaker dichotomy is something I worked really hard for, believed in, and lost. But though I mourn that loss for myself, I can also find joy in the evidence that it can work, and I find so much joy in the wonderful blessings I do still have.

So I don't think that happiness is a myth. I just don't think it is what some people think it is. And maybe that's why so many are "obsessed" with Mormon Mommy blogs. They sense something beyond the surface of reupholstering chairs, photographing children in pumpkin patches, and keeping a spotless house. Something that has nothing to do with lifestyle.

They sense the reality of happiness.

The Family: A Damaging Doctrine?

I have noticed a growing trend in various LDS blogs of referring to the "centrality of the family" in the LDS Church doctrine as damaging to the value and self-esteem of singles.

I don't buy it.

The doctrine of the family is multi-directional. Everyone, everyone is the member of a family, whether or not you have married and had children. And being the child of parents does not make you a child insgesamt or as a whole.

The doctrine of the family has everything to do with tribal bonding and non-sexual intimacy and loyalty, and very little to do with saying "I do".

Granted, the doctrine of the family, like much doctrine, is largely misunderstood, but to me that is a problem in application, not in doctrine.

The Large and Spacious Bloggernacle

There is an interesting little catfight going on as a result of an article about how LDS blogs were started. It really got me thinking about the whys and wherefores of blogging. Hearing the "authorities" of LDS blogs—those who have been around for some time, (and ironically often show dissatisfaction with the way LDS priesthood is run) bicker with the rather younger, more vital (and arguably more mainstream) "Mormon Mommy Blogs" over who played in the playground first has been illustrative.

Why blog? It seems that there are a few reasons. First, some blog because they think they have something important to share. They believe their perspective is important, and others should hear it. This tends towards "scholarly" sort of blogging. Or, maybe they just want to share their testimony with any who care to read it. Second, networking. Many blog because they want to stay in touch with friends and family. Blogging is a great way to go about it. Mommy blogs are largely of this sort. As another type of networking, some may have business networking blogs. I have one of this sort, which I've not yet used. Third, chronicling. Some may merely want to record events in their lives, whether good or bad. I have one public, but little-publicized journal-blog of that nature, and one private one. Fourth, a blogger may want to get his or her ideas out there so they can be discussed and mulled over. Maybe a person thinks better by typing, or maybe they want feedback on what they are thinking. Fifth, some blog for support. They are seeking for a community they can't find offline. This is a sort of offshoot of networking, but backwards. Rather than keeping track of those they already know offline, they are seeking others of like mind, often to get to know later.

I think I fall somewhere in the discussion and testimony-sharing categories for this blog. I don't get a ton of readers, but that doesn't particularly bother me. The ones I have are quite high-quality (in my opinion!) and willing to discuss gospel topics which are on my mind. I know some people read this who disagree with me, and I welcome those other perspectives (so long as they respect mine.)

The biggest pothole in the road of blogging is pride. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because you have your own little realm of control on the web, you are somehow better or worthy of notice. Take the catfight which spawned my thoughts lately. It has gotten to a contest of who has been here longest, or who has the most readers. Realistically, it doesn't matter in the least how long you have blogged or who reads your words. If you have something of value to blog about, that is independent of recognition.

So, why the emotions and controversy? I guess deep down, we are all still just little children wanting to be loved and accepted. Me included. But, in the end, does it really matter in which wing of the Large and Spacious Bloggernacle we have decided to set up camp?

"And the large and spacious building . . . is vain imaginations and the pride of the children of men. And a great and a terrible gulf divideth them; yea, even the word of the justice of the Eternal God, and the Messiah who is the Lamb of God. . . ."
1 Nephi 12:18

Why I Still Comment at "Feminist" Blogs

I have been asked, recently and otherwise, why I bother commenting at blogs such as, specifically, FMH, since I don't agree with everything they are about. I thought it a very good question, since commenting there and places like FMH usually accomplishes little besides opening me up to pigeonholing and ridicule. In thinking about it, I've come up with three main reasons which I think worth sharing. I just hope they aren't self-righteous.

I can learn more from people I disagree with than I can from those with whom I agree. Even when said people vilify and pigeonhole me, I don't hate them for it. I admit to being hurt by it (sometimes more than I wish I were), but at the same time I can understand why they do that. In the end, they are (generally speaking) hurting in some way and by trying to represent established doctrinal and conservative stances, I align myself with those they perceive as enemies. I'm gradually getting better at not seeing them as enemies in return. Blogging has taught me a lot about how to disagree with someone while loving and caring about them and how to express my opinion without taking it personally when others mock that opinion. I wouldn't have learned that by clumping up with buddies.

I was essentially stereotypically feminist once, too, so part of me still identifies with that group. No one would really believe it of me now, but I was once all about career. Marriage and children, if they happened, were to be limited. There was no way I was going to stay home with the kids and allow myself to be so restricted in my sphere. I even had a rather bad mouth on me. Needless to say, I've done a lot of humbling and changing since then. Regardless, I have been where many of them are now and I am where I am now, and having seen what both sides have to offer and chosen my preferred path, I want to share my experiences and journey. It has been a hard road, but it has been a glorious one. My vistas have been opened beyond my ability to express. My heart has been filled with joy and thanksgiving. All the niggling doubts and insecurities have been lightened. All the bitterness I once had has been softened. It is so wonderful, I want to share it, even if no one listens or cares. Even if they hate me for it. In some small way, I suppose this is similar to how Christ must feel. Even if not one of us takes Him up on His offer of redemption, I believe He would have done it anyways, just to give us the chance.

I feel drawn by the Spirit to comment there more often than elsewhere. I won't claim to pure spiritual inspiration when I comment. I often say things ham-handedly and awkwardly. I'm like any other person. I get my feelings hurt and say things I wish I hadn't. I hurt others' feelings and agonize for days over it. I struggle with my words and get frustrated with my inability to communicate. But I try my hardest to only comment when I feel moved upon by the Spirit. I seem mostly to feel moved when I see someone hurting or struggling with something and know I have some understanding to share. Many of the people on those blogs are working their ways through things I have worked through, or things I am working through. I benefit when I shine the light of their understanding on my problems and hope (against all evidence) they will benefit from mine. Perhaps that is hubris, I don't know, but it's the best I know how to do. Despite rarely, if ever, having positive things said to me there, I am not there to be back-scratched. I am there to learn.

So, that's it. I know I'm not welcome, but I go anyways because I feel the benefits validate the detriments. It may be that some day I will be led elsewhere, but for now I'm trying my best to "go where [He] want[s] me to go," no matter the cost.

Polygamy, Blah, Blah, Blah . . . .

Okay, I know it seems beneficial to many to have something to complain about in regards to the Church, but please, please, PLEASE shake it up a little. There are only so many ways a person can answer a question and be told the answer isn't good enough before they get bored and move on. All a person can say is "Here is my answer, but why don't you ask the Lord for one of your own? I'm not nearly as good at answering questions as He is." Just because you don't believe a point of faith doesn't mean someone is an idiot for believing it. They also have no need to prove anything to you. If it could be proven, it wouldn't be faith. Just remember, you have the burden of proof to yourself. Finite.

If you absolutely insist on hashing something out, whatever you do, pick a topic that is new. There is nothing like a little freshness added, especially in the spring. Talk about the horrible lack of environmental awareness exhibited by the Mormon Mobile^TM. Discuss the bad fashion sense in wearing a tight shirt over a long sleeved shirt. Talk about the lack of culinary discernment necessary to put vegetables in a dessert. Maybe a discussion on how plain a typical Mormon face is could liven up your dinner conversation. I don't care what you gripe about so long as it is new. Give the right side of your brain a chance to shine. It has been oppressed by the Church for far too long.*

Useful List of Verboten Topics:

• Polygamy


• Blacks and the Priesthood


• Women and the Priesthood


• Proclamation on the Family


• Julie Beck's Talks


• Family Size/Sexuality/Birth Control/Abortion


• Patriarchy


• Republicanism in the Church


• Gay Marriage


• Dress Standards Anywhere

*Aha! A new idea!!!