Saturday, January 12, 2008

Discipleship is a Lonely Road

Did I ever mention how much I love the Germans? One of my favorite paintings is called "Road to Emmaus" by German painter Robert Zünd.





On my mission, I often stared into that painting, wondering what was down the road, wondering if Christ would be walking with me along the way, teaching me.

I have had a lot of cause lately to doubt my choices. I don't know if I made the right ones. My dad sent me a beautiful letter last week for my birthday outlining my life. I wonder where that bright, inquisitive, loving, fearless child has gone. She was full of possibility. She decided, once, that she wanted nothing but to be a disciple of Christ. Now, my life is set in the path it will take to the end. I have found that I'm a pretty sorry excuse for a disciple. I no longer have the control over my destiny I once had. I no longer feel that I can make the powerful decisions I once made. Unable to change my situation satisfactorily, I have had to completely give the reins of my life over to the Lord and just concentrate on staying on the horse. It hurts in a way. I feel like I have messed up, lost the trust of the Lord. But looking back, I know I did my best. I've always done my best. My fear is that my best won't be good enough.

I testified in Church last week to the same thing I'm going to say here. Despite the pain and uncertainty, I know that my Savior will get me through this. There is indescribable joy woven through the sorrow and the fear. My best may not be good enough, but His was. Men are that they might have joy. That does not mean we are without pain and doubt. I heard it said once that faith cannot exist where there is doubt. Contrarily, I have found my faith growing most during this time of doubt. I look at the offering that has been my life so far and weep at its smallness. It is small, but it is all I have. According to the prophets, it is enough.

Let it be enough.

5 comments :

  1. I have no idea of your situation, so anything I say may seem totally clueless, and I beg your forgiveness if I am in any way insensitive in my comments.

    But even if you are a single mother, or in a difficult marriage, or have a fatal physical disease, or a deteriorating mental condition, or are going through an agonizing crisis of faith, I believe that there is always reason to hope that things even in this life can get better for you.

    Your beautiful, strong spirit comes through all your posts and comments. No matter how hopeless things may seem now, miracles can still happen. Your desires are righteous, and despite all your doubts and fears, you seem to know that in conjunction with the Atonement, your offering indeed is "enough."

    God bless you, dear sister, and may you find more peace in your life soon!

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  2. "I no longer feel that I can make the powerful decisions I once made. Unable to change my situation satisfactorily, I have had to completely give the reins of my life over to the Lord and just concentrate on staying on the horse."

    I think that is the most valuable thing we learn about life, no matter who we are, that the most powerful decision we make is to turn our life over to the Lord and concentrate on staying the course in faith on him.

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  3. Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my site, it is about the CresceNet, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://www.provedorcrescenet.com . A hug.

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  4. Silver Rain, I think there is more that the least of us and the best of us can often do. You seem to have a willing heart. God can make good come to pass from your efforts. -Barb

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  5. Thank you, everyone. I appreciate your comments here. It is good to know others who understand are out there.

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