Conflicting Commandments

by Robin F.

[Editor's Note: This post was written by an utterly brilliant woman and kindred spirit of mine. It has sat in my inbox for too long, because of my own chaotic life, but I believe that what she says is vital to understanding the gospel in this, telestial world. Her life demonstrates what it means to sacrifice in light of an unknown good. I have long admired her. She married one of the funniest, most well-tempered men I have met, and her children are predictably adorable. If only we lived closer together . . . .]

Often the Lord gives us conflicting commandments. Go forth and multiply, but don’t eat of the fruit. Thou shalt not kill, but Nephi has to kill Laban. The scriptures and modern day revelation are riddled with these contradictions. I have often wondered how our scriptural friends reconcile this dissonance. How does one “decide” which commandment to follow and at what time, when it is obvious that following both is simply not an option?

I see this conflict playing out in my own life daily. Luckily, I am not confronted with murdering another, as many of those in the military are. However, in my life the conflicting commandments are just as real and difficult to reconcile: a mother’s place is in the home and get out of debt. All too often, it is not possible to follow both commandments. For my family that is definitely the case. So which command do I follow? And how can I rectify the following of one with the breaking of the other?

In my family, my husband is not in a situation where he could support our family, through no fault of his own. He is currently in school working towards that goal. I, however, can support the family. I am 4 years older and have a master’s degree. Yet, as a mother of 2, I have been taught that my place is in the home with my children. I could stay at home. We would have to live off of student loans, and thus incur great debt. And the cycle continues…

The answer to the conflicting commandments lies within the individual. Living in Iowa in a University community, I know several families who chose to take on large amounts of debt so the wife can stay home. I also know others where the wife is the sole bread winner and the husband remains with the children (in one case, the husband recently passed away from Leukemia, so it was a huge blessing that the wife was able to support the family). Each family must choose, within their own unit and with the Lord, which decision is best for them and the path they choose to follow. It is a difficult choice, one that must be revisited often to ensure that the decision continues to be the right one. Within the realm of conflicting commandments, we are allowed to choose the path that best suits us. All one way, all the other, or a mix of the two. There is no right or wrong decision, as long as that decision is made with the Lord, and with his agreement.

What follows, then, is a great deal of judgment of those who choose another way. The conflict between women who choose to stay at home and those who choose to work is heated. There is much animosity and finger pointing from both sides. And I would dare say that this is even worse within our Wards and Stakes. Each says that they are right and the other is wrong. Each believes that the Lord is on their side and only their side. And each cannot understand how someone could live the other way. With most commandments, this is correct. We follow, and know that not following is wrong. With conflicting commandments, there is a lot of grey, shades of grey which we can embrace.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that sometimes the Lord lets us decide what is best for our families. Not everyone has the patience required to stay home with children. Not everyone has the skills needed to secure a job which can alone support a family. And the Lord with his infinite love for us has allowed for another way. He has left it up to us. And he has given us the framework within which to decide. We can be at-home moms, we can work part time, or we can work full time. We need not feel guilty, regardless of the decision. What matters is that we continue to make our families and the Lord our first priorities.
For all of the soul searching, and heartache that usually accompanies conflicting commandments, I am grateful that they are there. That somehow the Lord realizes that we as his children can make these decisions. And that he trusts us to make them.