Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Why Pornography is Wrong (It's Not Really About Sex)

I have recently gone through a drastic paradigm shift that has led me to understand several gospel principles in a new way. One of these is pornography.

There is a great deal of discussion about pornography in the LDS blog world. At the risk of oversimplification, essentially the discussions involve three basic views. First, that pornography is evil because it exploits women and plays upon natural man drives. Second, that pornography in moderation is not that bad if it helps husbands and wives have a more fulfilling sex life. Third, that there is really nothing wrong with pornography because the women who are depicted choose their careers, and would do it whether or not any particular person used it.

But there is another, more insidious aspect to pornography that I believe may greatly damage the lives of anyone it touches in ways that ripple out to destroy wives, children and friends.

While I have not ever been involved in pornography, there is a certain level of it which cannot be entirely avoided in today's society, so I am minimally familiar with the concept. Generally speaking, pornography involves showing people in various states of undress, or depicting a sexual encounter through stories, but nakedness and sex are not what defines pornography. In fact, pornography can consist of people entirely modestly dressed, and often does. Sometimes an actual sexual encounter does not even need to be depicted or described. Pornography is not nakedness, it is the depiction of forbidden or unattainable sexual desires in a way that allows the viewer or reader to direct the fulfillment of those desires.

When a person views a pornographic picture or reads a pornographic story, they are in some ways putting themselves into the scene. They are able to fantasize about doing something that they cannot do in real life. Essentially all forms of pornography involve having someone else do what you want them to do.

In short, pornography is a way of finding sexual gratification that circumvents the agency of another person. It is about control, not about sex.

In normal, healthy, husband-and-wife sex, two people have to work together to find mutual pleasure and joy in physical expression. That's why it is such hard work, and why so many people struggle with it. It is not that there is anything wrong with the individuals, it is that divinely-sanctioned sex is not meant to be easy. It is not meant to be about fulfilling one's own needs, it is meant to be about seeking ways to meet a spouse's needs. When two people attempt this, there are bound to be missteps along the way. However, when this is done, husband and wife form strong bonds of love as they seek their spouse's needs before their own (very powerful) ones. Sex should be a form of charity held sacred to be performed only between husband and wife, so there can be a bond between them that no others share.

When a person seeks physical fulfillment in ways that ignore the agency of another person, they objectify and thus can manipulate a person (even if it is only in their own fantasy, and even if it is on a strictly limited basis). That person mocks one of the most important laws of God: the law of agency. They then damage their ability to find pleasure in giving, grinding grooves of habit that make it impossible for them to associate sex with selflessness.

Once a person ties their sexual pleasure to control and manipulation, other aspects of the marital relationship assume the taint of a need to control. Then that person can easily begin to see all relationships as relationships of control. When a relationship is about control, it is no longer of God.

If you look at scripture, about Satanic interaction with mankind as compared to divine interaction, you will see that relationships with God never, never violate the principle of agency: of choice and accountability. Satan almost always tempts in one of three ways: by convincing us there is no choice, by convincing us there is no consequence, or by telling us that we do not have to be accountable for what we choose, that it somehow isn't our fault.

Is pornography wrong because it exploits women? Undoubtedly. But it also exploits the viewer or reader, teaching them that joy comes only from control. In the end, that is far more damaging.

8 comments :

  1. What a beautifully written, insightful, and powerful post. Well done!

    I especially loved this paragraph--its lessons need to be discussed and learned now more than ever:

    "In normal, healthy, husband-and-wife sex, two people have to work together to find mutual pleasure and joy in physical expression. That's why it is such hard work, and why so many people struggle with it. It is not that there is anything wrong with the individuals, it is that divinely-sanctioned sex is not meant to be easy. It is not meant to be about fulfilling one's own needs, it is meant to be about seeking ways to meet a spouse's needs. When two people attempt this, there is bound to be missteps along the way. However, when this is done, husband and wife form strong bonds of love as they seek their spouse's needs before their own (very powerful) ones. Sex should be a form of charity held sacred to be performed only between husband and wife, so there can be a bond between them that no others share."

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  2. Amen.

    And I think the reason pornography is addictive is because it is about "perceived control" of a pleasurable feeling. Of course, as is the case with many other addictive drugs, a person may begin by thinking the pornography drug (or other types of sexual acting out) is desirable because it provides a supposedly dependable pleasure feeling or escape, but the drug often ends up controlling the user.

    DavidH

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  3. Good post. I hadn't thought about it that way before.

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  4. I have spent years researching the subject and have spoken in Education Week and throughout the country. I would submit that since pornography is so highly (and quickly) physically and psychologically addictive and since recovery from the addiction is so difficult, it is also a problem with lack of control. It destroys the user's ability to truly love himself or herself, to love others, and to love God and, hence, to experience true peace of mind.

    Few teach about how difficult and daunting recovery is from sexual addiction and the four keys to recovery. However, it is critical than any sexual addict realize that recovery is possible and that with the help of a skilled morally-based sexual addiction therapist, a caring clergyman (bishop), a support group (or friend), and accessing the help of a Higher Power (the atonement), one can recover.

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  5. Excellent analysis of the problem. I recall when President Hinckley first started talking about this subject and thought that it was a good statement but we weren't done with it yet. Thanks for the ideas.

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  6. Interesting idea, for sure.

    Although we don't use it, I'm undecided on couples who use it together... i.e. I know what my values are, but with clients I'm not sure where my bias lies... Regardless, the a huge difference between solo sex (pornography & masturbation) and sex with one's partner on a neurological level. With a partner there is oxytocin involved for emotional bonding, as well as much higher amounts of prolactin, which serves in part to shut down the sexual drive for a time and makes us feel more satisfied. Solo sex has no emotional bonding with a partner, and produces a LOT less prolactin, therefore it is not nearly as satisfying, hence the sometimes-addictive drive for more.

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  7. I agree completely, especially as a woman whose marriage was destroyed by it. It's ALL about control. When I wanted to leave my marriage, my husband threatened and tried to take my life, not because he loved me, but because he would lose the object he could control. I can certainly testify to what it does to a person. I've used pictures of him taken at the beginning of our marriage and ten years later when I was gone and it's breathtaking the change in him. Like any addiction, it's about an illusion of control that overtakes the user. Very well-said. So glad someone else had commented on this and brought the article to my view.

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