Who Will I Be?

I don't think many people in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints think much about the fact that we, as women, have very VERY little doctrinal view of our place in God's plan. With a triad of male Deity, and only a hushed whisper of female relevance, with the clear inference that we are appendages to our husbands on one hand, but firm assurances that we are more than that on the other, we have very little substance to go on.

It is easier, I think, for men. While they don't know what exactly it will be like to be Gods, creators of their own worlds, inheritors of God's power, that at least gives them a breath of glory, a hint as to what they will be doing.

But for women, beyond knowing that motherhood is eternal, we just don't know. We have no idea how literal or figurative that eternal motherhood is, what exactly it even means to be a mother for eternity. (Because here on earth, there is enough grit to make us doubt the glory.) Will we be doing some eternal equivalent of dishes and managing housework while our husbands go off to work on Creation? Or will we have some part in creating, too, working as a team somehow with them? Will our part be large or small? Will we continue to have our ideas counted as input, but never have the ability to carry them out ourselves, or will we be able to create also?

We just don't know. We can FEEL some of these things, but we don't have any doctrine we can point to to get a real handle on who we are. We don't wield the priesthood here in any sense of the word any more, which seems to indicate that we won't.

Anyways, my point is that the message is very nebulous, very garbled, and very subjective. Which leaves it entirely up to faith in God that the eternities will even be worth it for us. Sure, if we pray and work out a sense of our destiny through the Spirit, we can have some measure of peace. But to find a role model of what womanhood and motherhood truly is in the eternities, we must resort to piecing together whispers and hints, conjecture and hope.

I think, sometimes, people both in and out of the Church assume that only those who wish to change the Church think about these things much, or feel a lack in the doctrine. It isn't true. I spend a great deal of time trying to plead with people to see the Church with greater charity, to exercise greater patience and humility when approaching change in the Church, and yet this lack weighs on me.

Perhaps I suffer more greatly now because I don't even have a marriage any more, which is the only structure we women DO have for our role in eternity. There is nothing to replace what I have lost through my bad choices. It is as if I'm in limbo. While I could choose to rot in limbo like many singles, my character isn't made for that. I would love to move on in my covenants and discipleship, perhaps basing it on having once made those marriage covenants. But trust me, the marriage I had was NOT a good model for what marriage must be like in eternity. I know that, but I don't have anything upon which to formulate a different goal.

I admit, sometimes it's hard to remember that my marriage was not representative of Marriage. It is all I have to go on. When the only experience a woman has had with romantic relationships has been with men who objectify her, who see her only as an appendage to them, it becomes difficult to set aside the part of doctrine that seems to suggest the same thing. Yet, in my heart, I know that isn't it. I know that women are more than support to their husbands, that they have some role in life and the eternities that matters. I feel in my heart that we are more than just wind under our husband's wings, but that we too are birds, able to fly with them in glory.

It would be nice to have more direction about who we are, what we should be doing as women. It would be nice to know our special mission. But for now, we don't. All we can do is take what we have and try our best to be disciples of Christ.

The essence of humility and patience is finding peace with that until the Lord finds a way to teach us further light and knowledge by revelation. I have found that peace. But still, I yearn for more understanding.