A wonderfully caring and charitable comment by Glenn in my last post gave me reason to think, to evaluate the message I am sending with this blog. (Thank you for that, Glenn.) Sometimes my posts here seem very self-judgmental and harsh. But they only reveal a small part of who I am. I created this blog, very specifically, to illustrate the hardships of life in a doctrinal sense, to share my journey as a disciple in the hopes that it will bring hope and increase faith in others. These posts do not reveal the entirety of who I am, not even close, but they are the part that is meant for this blog. I have another, which I don't write in as often because many of my most beautiful and sacred moments are so personal, which focuses more on happiness in life and less on the sorrow and struggles. But in this blog, if I can look at my own weakness and failings and still find hope, maybe my example can lead others to hope, keep them from giving up. Sometimes the most beautiful song comes from those with broken wings.
I take my journey on this earth very seriously. I don't have many years here, and this opportunity to learn with an imperfect body and imperfect understanding is all too fleeting. Granted, I often examine my life far too critically. It's something I have always done, ever since I was three years old and my mom had to forbid me from writing my name for a week after finding me banging my head on the desk because I couldn't get one letter to look like hers. Perfectionism is a thorn I have always struggled with.
But, as a perfectionaholic who has gone so far past perfection I can't even see it any more, I ache to share one immensely personal message: imperfection is lovable. Not just in some high-level, philosophical sense, but in the most intensely personal, intimately real way possible. The God of Heaven—in His perfection—chose to enter an imperfect world, be killed by imperfect people, to redeem imperfect people from themselves. It was a covenant made long before the world was created, renewed with Adam and Eve, with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, fulfilled in the crucifixion of Christ, restored through Joseph Smith, and testified to and sealed up in the lives and deaths of those who love the Lord.
We came here to BE imperfect, to make mistakes, to become humble, and to learn to love imperfection. To learn for ourselves what evil truly is, and to understand good's purpose. Glory is in imperfection. Power is in humility. There is so much to be gained by delving into the ugliness of our inner selves and finding the beauty entwined through it all. It is the rains that wash away our imperfections, prepare us for the refining fire.
Don't worry about me because I am critical of myself, because through my personal storms I have also learned to be forgiving. I am free to explore my imperfections because of my confidence that I will be purified by Christ. I have bad days, sometimes my stress lifts the roof right off of my inner house. I don't always feel the love of the Lord. But I know it is there, personally, and while I sometimes fear that I have lost grace, I know more deeply that I haven't. Because it is impossible to lose the love of God, and His grace is sufficient for all who humble themselves through recognition of their imperfections and have faith in His ability to Heal.