Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Beauty in Grief

Most of the time, we think of grief as losing a loved one. But loss of faith, a marriage, a hope or dream, or even a way of life can also shake our world to its very foundations.

Just this Sunday, I substituted for a Sunday School class to teach teenagers how following the commandments can help us be like Heavenly Father. Never before have I struggled with a topic the way I struggled with this one, and I didn't expect it. Not only did it tap into my understanding that I can never be like Heavenly Father, not really (since I'm a woman,) but it tapped into the biggest source of my grief. It is not my marriage that still haunts me, my fears and pain regarding that are long resolved. It isn't even my relationships afterwards to which my intermittent sorrow clings. It is that I have lost faith that "after much tribulation, cometh the blessings." Believing that has lost meaning. It is the things I have worked the hardest at that fail most spectacularly. I have struggled long and hard within myself and with the Lord to discover what I'm doing wrong, what I could do better, without answer. Whatever it might be, I am at a loss to change it.

Giving up on expecting the fulfillment of the Lord's promised blessings doesn't mean my life is devoid of joy. Far from. By giving up any hope of blessings, I am becoming better able to focus on trying to become a blessing. While turning my heart to the service of others does nothing to remove my occasional loneliness, sorrow, or feelings of failure, it gives me something to do with my life that is unconnected with success. In serving others, there is usually no way to measure success, and no expectations of reward.

After asking the teens to list the qualities of God the Father, I realized that this, perhaps, will be the meaning of my life. It is not likely for me to marry again and raise a family with a man I respect and love, which seems to be the vigilant focus of other singles. It seems to be the focus of the Church's teachings, for that matter. But none of God's most important qualities which I can develop in this life are solely dependent on a spouse.

Loving. Patient. Gentle. Merciful. Comforting. Truthfully, we know little of who God the Father is, barely more than we know of our Heavenly Mother. But we can extrapolate the qualities of the Savior onto Him. I believe God, with all His power, is able to sacrifice completely.

Long ago, I began pleading with God that I might become someone able to inherit all that He has. Looking at these qualities, there is no doubt in my mind that my life has become a tool by which I might learn some of these things. Despite this, I have not entirely accepted my grief. At times I feel guilty for it, knowing that it makes me less desirable as a friend, feeling like I should be over it, hoping I am successful in hiding it from others. (Online, I speak of things I rarely speak of elsewhere. It is one thing to read about someone's grief, it is another to be faced with it.) As I am naturally a rather cheerful and playful person, few who know me offline would guess at the depth of sorrow I carry in my heart. It grates on my being in opposition to who I want to be.

Distasteful as I find it, that thick strand of grief woven in the fabric of my life has the capacity to teach me to be like Christ as nothing else might. Christ learned compassion by the things He suffered, learned how to succor His people. If I can learn even one small part of that, then I will have gained everything for which I once plead.

It matters less why or when we experience sorrow and grief than how we choose to experience it. We can grieve and turn away from everyone, perhaps out of shame for an emotion we find ugly, out of a desire not to burden our friends or loved ones, or out of anger and desire to punish the world that would deal us such a heavy blow. Or, in our grief, we can turn towards God and His children, reach out our hands of love and support to those around us, even if we feel woefully inadequate at it. Even when we feel we have nothing to give.

Most of the time, when I "mourn with those that mourn," or "comfort those that stand in need of comfort," I feel very awkward, like an unwanted intruder. But I would rather suffer the embarrassment of not being wanted than the shame of not offering myself in the first place. Compassion is the purpose of sorrow. Grief isn't meant to hurt us, but to temper us and make us stronger. When we long to serve and help—though we carry the heavy burden of grief in our own hearts—we ultimately turn to Christ for comfort.

His heart is always open to us. He shoulder is always available for our tears, when no one else is. We make "his soul an offering for sin," rely on Him to make our mistakes and inadequacies right again. Consecrated to Him, our sorrow and grief sanctify us rather than tear us apart.

In Him, I have found the strength to try to heal others, even though I no longer expect particular blessings for my efforts. The things He has promised me, that I learned to expect, don't matter so much any more. Their loss still causes me sorrow from time to time. I am very human. But I am able to grieve them while knowing that those blessings are in His hands, without blaming myself for not being worthy of them yet, and without being afraid of my own failure.

"He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief....Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows....but he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes, we are healed."
—Isaiah 53

16 comments :

  1. Thank you for your thoughts. I'm speaking in Church next Sunday on a similar topic. I'm speaking about unwavering commitment to righteous principles, which was an assigned topic. It made me think through some of my weaknesses. My obedience the first decades of my life were based on expectations: if I lived the commandments, I'd get the life I wanted, specifically the relationships I wanted. Heavenly Father said no. I felt like my faith was shattering, but in hindsight, it was my expectations that shattered. It was exceedingly painful.

    I've rebuilt my faith. This time, I'm obeying God because I love him, not because I expect him to give me the blessings I want. Like you mention, I see God giving me these trials to help me develop Christlike attributes. It takes constant prayer to maintain enough humility to learn what I'm supposed to learn.

    I love that Isaiah scripture you quoted. I memorized it and applied it to myself. There is so much in there about grief. I turned away from the Savior's capacity to carry my grief for many years because I didn't want to admit I was grieving. I wanted him to fix the situation so I would be happy instead. But I have learned to let him carry my grief.

    I've found peace and happiness. There are times of sadness still, but they don't dominate my life anymore. As I let go of my hope for those healthy family relationships, God showed me that what I really wanted was peace, hope and love. My mindset was that those blessings were only possible in a good relationship. God has taught me otherwise over the years. Those blessings come from my relationship with God.

    Thank you for your brave and honest post.

    Melinda Porter Willden

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  2. Oh, Melinda. How beautiful! Thank you.

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  3. There's a part of me that is looking forward with anticipation to the time when my griefs would be healed, and I'm wondering if I'm missing out on other things because of having my attention so diverted. I wonder if some of it is a lack of faith that those things will eventually happen, and I need to work on setting them down in the "this will happen, stop worrying" box. Going to take some work.

    How do you work on not picking up and holding onto the griefs of others? I know you have plenty to worry about in your own life, but part of compassion is being able to put yourself in others shoes, that whole "mourn with those that mourn" thing. It seems disingenuous to simply mourn when you're around them, but how else can we manage?

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  4. I don't think it's disingenuous, but I do think it gets to the core of what it means to mourn.

    We tend to think of mourning as equivalent to feeling pain. In a way, it is. Feeling another's pain is the essence of compassion. But that doesn't mean we walk around in a depression.

    Something that I find very difficult to explain to people, because it seems most people don't function this way, is how I accept and embrace pain. When we are happy, for example, we are less likely to think, "I feel happy, I'm a happy person." But for some reason when we feel sad or in pain, we have a tendency to internalize it and make it part of how we choose to label ourselves.

    I've spent some time thinking about what Godhood must be like. I mean, He SEES it ALL. Things that we've never even heard of, all the horrors in the small, quiet places of the world. How does He manage it? I have come to believe that it might be because God sorrows, but God is not sorrow. He is able to own His pain, as well as His joy, and not be defined by it.

    That is how I am with my pain. That is how I can write about it. Pain that still defines me is a lot harder to express, especially here where I know people who would love to hurt me could use it. So when I feel pain, I feel it utterly and completely, but then I move on. I don't blame myself for it, or dwell on it. I use it like I use any of my other senses. I am more than how I feel.

    That also applies to others' grief. When you feel it, let yourself feel it. Embrace it, learn from it, but don't define yourself by it.

    Does that make any sense?

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    1. And for what it's worth, I apply the same thing to happiness and joy. I let myself feel it fully, and don't give myself unreasonable expectations to maintain that happiness indefinitely. Accepting my feelings as feelings, and not as the definition of who I am has brought me deep and lasting joy: the ability to love and accept myself and my imperfections.

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    2. I think so. It's sort of like how I deal with my chronic pain condition; sure, it's there, it's part of my life, but it doesn't define me.

      It's also not moving into the unhealthy place of "I can't be happy to have this if x doesn't also have this", which just gets in the way, and makes x into their lack rather than enjoying with x what they have.

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  5. I think it is a fundamental insight that we miss when we forget that the essential teaching of the Tree of Knowledge, the thing that makes God, God, is their comprehension of opposites. Joy is only attainable by the experience of, and in proportion to, sorrow (see. Alma).

    To be God is to grieve.

    Jacob 5:13 And these will I place in the nethermost part of my vineyard, whithersoever I will, it mattereth not unto thee; and I do it that I may preserve unto myself the natural branches of the tree; and also, that I may lay up fruit thereof against the season, unto myself; for it grieveth me that I should lose this tree and the fruit thereof.

    Moses 7:28-40
    28 And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the aresidue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?

    29 And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?

    ...

    32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;

    33 And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should alove one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they bhate their own blood;...(36)and among all the workmanship of mine hands there has not been so great wickedness as among thy brethren.

    37 But behold, their sins shall be upon the heads of their fathers; Satan shall be their father, and misery shall be their doom; and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?

    ...

    40 Wherefore, for this shall the heavens weep, yea, and all the workmanship of mine hands.

    Luke 13:34
    34 O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not!

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  6. I think it is a fundamental insight that we miss when we forget that the essential teaching of the Tree of Knowledge, the thing that makes God, God, is their comprehension of opposites. Joy is only attainable by the experience of, and in proportion to, sorrow (see. Alma).

    To be God is to grieve.

    Jacob 5:13 And these will I place in the nethermost part of my vineyard, whithersoever I will, it mattereth not unto thee; and I do it that I may preserve unto myself the natural branches of the tree; and also, that I may lay up fruit thereof against the season, unto myself; for it grieveth me that I should lose this tree and the fruit thereof.

    Moses 7:28-40
    28 And it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the aresidue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?

    29 And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?

    ...

    32 The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;

    33 And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should alove one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they bhate their own blood;...(36)and among all the workmanship of mine hands there has not been so great wickedness as among thy brethren.

    37 But behold, their sins shall be upon the heads of their fathers; Satan shall be their father, and misery shall be their doom; and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?

    ...

    40 Wherefore, for this shall the heavens weep, yea, and all the workmanship of mine hands.

    Luke 13:34
    34 O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, which killest the prophets, and stonest them that are sent unto thee; how often would I have gathered thy children together, as a hen doth gather her brood under her wings, and ye would not!

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  7. SilverRain - it took me a long time to be able to experience my emotions without thinking they would last forever, like you describe. Just knowing they're transitory makes the grief easier to bear, and the joy sweeter. I actually had to pray to ask Heavenly Father to increase my capacity for joy because I found myself short-circuiting my happiness by thinking of something miserable whenever I started to feel real joy. I wasn't used to being happy.

    And I've had to work on Frank's question about mourning with others without letting it take over my life.

    Good discussion on this topic.

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  8. It took me a long time to get to that point with my emotions, SilverRain. I used to get stuck in them, or scared I would get stuck in them so I would avoid feeling. But it works exactly as you describe. When I feel my emotions, they don't take over my life the way suppressed feelings used to. As I worked through my negative emotions, I found I had to pray to ask Heavenly Father to increase my capacity for joy. I'd been stuck in grief and anger for so long that when I started to feel joy, I would short-circuit it by thinking of something upsetting. It took conscious effort to experience happiness.

    I liked those scriptures about God and his grief. He has perfect empathy for us, and yet he doesn't get stuck in our misery. Frank brought up a good point. My empathy for others has caused me some problems in the past, but I deal with it better now.

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  9. https://www.facebook.com/stephen.r.marsh/posts/10153241239055523 -- was glad to share this post on Facebook.

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  10. It is clear all humans experience grief. It is not part of one gender in a greater amount. Unfortunately women have a tendency to hold it close and ruminate on it as though it was a friend. They weep and worry and try to make the world do things their way. The greatest lesson I ever learned was that not everything was about me. God did not set out to make me miserable,unhappy and filled with grief.

    I have had some bad things happen in my life. When I was younger I thought every thing that happened was my fault. I thought I was unworthy and useless as a person. I still shed a few tears during church, but I know that it will pass. By the time Relief Society is over I will be fine.

    To think that I have lost something because some things have turned bad is to look away from the good things that are still a part of my life. The greatest thing I ever learned is that everything is not about me. I also learned that the things my children have lost are not my fault and I can walk with them and laugh with them and spend peaceful days with them. Life is so much nicer once the clouds move out.

    You are still young enough that life might still surprise you.

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  11. And sometimes there is nothing you are doing wrong and need to do better. But instead it is just what you are experiencing, not what you are.

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  12. SilverRain - Great post! I too have experienced the pain of a broken marriage, though I cannot say that I have experienced some of the other pains that came with your particular marriage. Like you, that experience in my life has led me to reflect deeply on happiness, on the role of pain and suffering and grief in life.

    I, like you seem to describe in the OP and some of the comments, find it perhaps easier to personally understand, but difficult to explain how it is that pain/grief/sorrow can coincide with the joy of the gospel and the peace that accompanies the atonement of Christ.

    As a result of my experiences (both the pain of betrayal and divorce, and the subsequent joy that came from the spiritual deliverance obtained through the atonement), I have come to describe the way we experience both the good and bad of life as determined more by our reaction to it, and less by the circumstances themselves. In this manner, grief and pain and sorrow are a natural part of life and are not by themselves either good or evil. But it is our response to the circumstances that caused the grief/pain/sorrow that will determine whether it is good or evil. If our grief and pain moves us to compassion, love, mercy, forgiveness, kindness and patience, then the grief and pain and even the awful circumstance that gave rise to it can actually help us achieve atonement with God. If instead our grief and pain inspires a reaction of bitterness, anger, hatred, grudgeholding, fear and doubt...it will not be the circumstance itself that causes our distancing from God, but the natural man responses which overwhelmed us and polluted His presence which could have been more fully enjoyed.

    I hope that makes sense. Understanding this has led me to place much less emphasis on circumstances (and the idea that if I obey commandments the circumstances of my life will magically be perfect)...instead I focus on the personal development of the virtues of Godliness as a response to all things in life, things that are pleasant and unpleasant.

    I posted a talk about this on a blog my wife and I write. I didn't cover so much the aspect of pain and grief, but what it means to respond to it, and what it means to no longer need circumstances to work out in a certain manner. It is one of the most important talks I've ever written...if you feel inclined to read it you can find it here http://www.ablogaboutlove.com/2013/06/choosing-happiness-sunday-sermon.html

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  13. thank you for that beautifully written post. Your pain makes you compassionate, sensitive and understanding. That is the only price that can be paid for those qualities. Even though it isn't what you have been anticipating, it is a priceless blessing.

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  14. One of my real-life friend's husband, a paranoid schizophrenic, recently went off his meds in a spectacular fashion and shot a stranger who was innocently riding his motorcycle down Main Street as he led the police in a high speed chase which was witnessed by half the population of our town. Front page news. She put up a FB meme recently that said "If tribulation makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

    I HATE these sayings: "God never gives you more than you can handle" (Oh yes, He does, too, and we are going to have a serious talk about that!) "Whom God loves, He chastens" (Sister Teresa grumpily complained to God telling Him perhaps that's why he had so few friends) "Trials are blessings, learn the lesson" (I did not sign up for this when I agreed to get a body; this was clearly a bait and switch on God's part).

    This, though, I know, Silver Rain: things pass. Bad times don't last and neither do good times. You'd think I'd be depressed by the pessimism in that, but as I've gotten older (I am now 61, well, in 3 days), I have found it immensely comforting that whatever emotional pain I'm in isn't forever. So I weather it better. I have lived long enough to know that life turns on a dime. It's made me a bit calmer person as I age.

    As for losing your faith; kid, I think that's a good thing. Those who don't question don't grow (read my sentiments in my latest post). It's crucial to make it beyond that blind conformity to true faith in God AND in the truth of the Plan of Salvation. This life is sooooo not all there is.

    I'm just so jazzed that I can comment now. Whoever fixed this problem has created a monster in me.

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