I love life. I love the smell of rain, the feel of my daughter's hair on my face as she cuddles into my shoulder. I love the ability to create, to make things better than I found them. I love watching people struggle and move forward with faith. I love being there for people, being someone they can talk to and want hugs from. I love watching things grow, the changing colors of the mountains, the sting of cold air and languid exhaustion after a day of hard work.
But, at the same time, I don't handle life very well. And a fews weeks ago, I was struggling with something very deep and personal which I will not get into here. But as I prayed and struggled, I kept feeling this urge to get a priesthood blessing.
I have good home teachers, a great man. I have a father who lives not too far away. I work in a building stuffed full with men who hold the priesthood. But I realized I had no one I could ask for a blessing. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was exhaustion from trying to reach beyond my comfort zone already in every step I take. Maybe it was deep vulnerability that I just couldn't bear to expose. But I couldn't do it.
I have now lived without the presence of the priesthood in my home for more years than I lived with it. Even when I was married, my husband would not bless me or my children. He felt too uncomfortable. I've had a few blessings over the years, but as an adult I do not know what it is like to have a man in my life I can ask to use the gift he has been given to grant me personal words from my Heavenly Father. And sometimes, I can't hear Him myself. My emotions and insecurities are too loud. So I do without.
I think that sometimes we worry so much about who has the priesthood and who doesn't, who is exercising it righteously and who isn't, we forget what a great blessing it is now, just as it is.
I would give much to have such a partner in my life, a companion in the gospel who is willing to lead my family. I'm tired. So tired of doing it myself. It is much easier to do it as a single mother than it was as a wife, but I wish it could be otherwise.
If you have that blessing, be grateful to your Heavenly Father. Do not take it for granted. The power which has been granted only to men can create a symbiosis in the family, a flow of power in the external and internal domains which can be directly linked to the power of priesthood and of faith.
Maybe, someday, I will also know what that is like.