The Pain of a Shining Light

When I began this blog, I really had no idea how much rain could—and would—come down. 

My experiences with the gospel seem to be different than most. I took the leap of faith and tumbled down the ravine. The things are taught in Church to solve problems didn't work for me. In fact, they made things worse in some cases.

It's been a rough few years. My kids have been suffering from the burden of emotional and physical abuse from their father. The damage is pernicious and possibly permanent. I've lost my heart to post, preach, or much of anything beyond survival. But I think I'm finally reaching a tipping point.

The raw truth is that I'm angry. Mostly at myself. I'm angry that I put everything I had, everything I am, on what I thought was the altar of Christ, only to lose it all. I've made some major mistakes, but by and large, I have given my life to God, the exact way we were taught. 

But it isn't like they taught. Strengthened in adversity, sharing your burden, never tested beyond what you can bear. I have been. My mind, heart, and courage are utterly broken and broken again, and not in the cutesy "broken heart and contrite spirit" kind of way. 

Every time I do the things we're supposed to do that are supposed to help, I'm further damaged. Going to the temple is a source of pain. Going to church to hear about how simple it is supposed to be if I just try a bit harder is agony. "The covenant path" is like barbed wire, wrapped around my soul. 

And there is no one to help. No one has wisdom. When I try to ask for support or understanding, I accomplish nothing other than risking another's faith. 

Not all that are lost are sought. For me, there is no path that I can find, and no one else is going to even try. That is the reality, and I have been "blessed" to face reality for what it is. And my life hasn't been all that bad. I'm just not strong enough or humble enough, or enough of anything to handle it. 

But under all of the ashes, I have a kind of peace that doesn't look like any peace I've ever heard of. Despite it all, I love my God. I don't know what is wrong with me that I am so at odds with the way it's supposed to be, but I trust Him. I know what I have asked of Him, and I accept that this must be the only route. And I'm learning to love people no matter how much they hurt me. I'm angry, but I wouldn't change most of my past choices. Maybe that's why I'm angry. 

I don't have any answers. I'm not who I want to be, but I don't think I have any more strength to change. This will probably be the last time I write here. I've grown more private, more withdrawn. I don't want to put anything out that doesn't attempt to strengthen others, and I don't have much of that left. What I have needs to be applied in my offline life. Maybe if I begin to find answers, I'll come back. Who knows. 

At any rate, I'm so glad to have met the people I've known through blogging over the years, most of whom have moved on long ago. Thank you for being here with me for a time. I hope you are able to find your way, and if not, you'll find compassion.