About Survival and Running Away

*No, I haven't seen the movie

As any of you who still read this blog have noticed, my activity in blogging has decreased dramatically. Occasionally, I write here, and VERY infrequently, I comment here or there, but I read very little and participate even less. A friend of mine, also involved in the LDS online world, has recently told me that I have "run away" from the battles here online, which has given me a great deal of painful self-reflective thought.

By way of public musing in the hope that someone, somewhere out there might find it useful, I thought perhaps I should share what has brought me to this point.

You see, once upon a time not long ago, I suddenly realized that the arguments that happen online aren't real. Lest someone get offended, let me clarify what I mean by that. Of course they are real to the people arguing them, and of course they do some good for those who are seeking information on the Church, or trying to process personal struggles within the Church. For a time, they served that purpose for me, too.

When I say they aren't real, I mean that they aren't immediate for me.

You see, I lost my marriage a few years ago. Through that, I realized that my personal resources were burned to white ash and dissipating in the wind. 

I have enough spinning plates to make a grown clown cry. I am frantically trying to save money to fix up the nasty house I was left with (and eventually for my girls' future,) juggling passive-aggression from my ex through my daughters, do a good job at work so I can feel I actually earned my pay, trying to coax a desert to bloom in my back yard so the girls can play without getting burrs in their feet, attend two different wards for my church and manage the activities from both, meet the expectations of the friends I do have (and failing, incidentally,) try to find some way to further my career, keep the house AT LEAST clean enough that I can walk in bare feet without cringing, attend the temple, trying to manage my discipleship and deep personal feelings of failure and fear, and maybe squeeze in some rejuvenation time at the expense of all the rest of it. And, just for the kind of fun that is displayed on the stage of the Universe's flame war, I found myself looking for a new job. That's just the big stuff.

Those few evenings I get off through no will of my own were once largely spent in crazy fun, trying to pretend that my heart wasn't broken. And now they're spent with a little of that, and a little of trying to find time to learn to just be quiet with myself again.

If it weren't for amazing parents and a lifesaving neighbor and a few other friends, I'd have never made it. Even so, it gets dicey at times.

I'm not running away. I'm surviving. The angst online just. Doesn't. Matter. I have enough of my own failings to staunch before I pick at the scabs of others. Sure, women aren't all they should be in the Church. So what. I'm just glad to be able to go to church at this point. So I'm single, early thirties, with very little chance of ever wanting to even dip my pinkie into the scorpion pit of marriage again. Oh, well. So, FARMS was just dissolved by some guy with power and agenda. The world will keep turning, more's the pity.

I just can't fight any battle but the ones in front of my nose right now.

Church or no, time or no, FUN or no, I have my Savior. And when all else fails, He will not fail. When the plates come crashing down, part of me might even be a bit relieved. And you know what? I'm okay with that, too.