Mormons are Hypocrites

I mostly grew up outside of the Mormon Corridor. When I was fourteen, my family moved from Germany to a small town in Idaho. The culture shock was the greatest we had ever experienced. I went from a high school with nearly a thousand people in my graduating class to one with nearly a thousand people in the whole school. We went from being surrounded with trees and cultural activities to being stuck in a desert, with only two basic things for a teen to do on the weekend: get drunk/high or go to the Mormon dances.

It was definitely a step down.

But, over time, I made quite good friends with a girl I'll call Kelly. Her family was in the Church, but they didn't go consistently. They lived in a different housing complex across the base from us, but we still frequently hung out together. We were friends for the better part of a year before Kelly started dating.

Now, I wasn't interested in dating. I was tall, gawky, frizzy-haired and awkward. Plus I was a definite tomboy and bookworm. And boys scared me ever since I had heard them talking about girls when they thought none were listening. But that was all Kelly could talk about. Swiftly, she found a particular boy and they would make out every chance they got, often with me around. I remember playing chauffeur to them frequently as we went to and from activities. They would kiss (and other things) in the back while I drove.

A Turbulent Heart

“The heart has reasons that reason cannot know.” —Blaise Pascall

There are times in a person's life when she is presented with opportunities to look at herself and find herself wanting. I am naturally very hard on myself. Growing up, I somehow learned that my worth was directly linked to perfection. It seems that relationships are the greatest of these opportunities.

Several years ago, I had the opportunity to live with my sister after her graduation from high school. We had not been the best of friends growing up. She was favored, and I was a truculent and sullen child. We did not have the enmity that many siblings cultivate, but we were jealous of each other for different reasons. I like to think that in the course of living together, and the trouble that we both experienced at the time, we learned to forgive and accept each other and ourselves a little bit more.

When I served my mission, I had close relationships with a few of my companions. One in particular, I think of as a sister. We had very similar outlooks on missionary work, and life in general. We both hated mushrooms (a good basis for any lasting friendship.) Most of all, she gave me confidence in myself and my unique brand of missionary work, which did not mesh well with the general missionary structure. Her influence started my feet down a long path which would eventually lead to me forgiving myself of my faults, no small task.

Young Women's Values—Integrity

Integrity: moral uprightness, the state of being whole and undivided

I have been putting off this particular value because it has always been my favorite, and because until fairly recently, I've been feeling anything but whole and undivided. Or morally upright, to be honest.

I have learned something now about integrity.

Young Women's Values—Good Works

"Fear not to do good, . . . let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; . . . Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not. Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet. . . ."

As shows in previous posts, charity and good works have been weighing heavily on my mind. Possessed by a fey restlessness, I have been trying to redirect my life back towards the good goals that I once had and lost touch with. But I keep coming up against roadblocks of resentment, both against myself and the world around me.

I really don't know much about the value of Good Works yet. If anything I think I might know less than I did as a Young Woman. It seems to me that so many things that seem to be good turn out to be bad. I don't know how to serve others. I thought maybe I'd learn something by the time I posted this, but I haven't.

What I do know is that fear has something to do with it. As Christ says above, look to Him and move forward in service with courage. Not as simple as it sounds, I have found.

Young Women's Values—Choice & Accountability

One of the most essential doctrines of the LDS Church is that of agency. We believe that we chose to come here to earth, and that we have full ability to choose whether or not and to what extent we will follow God. I used to think that the choice part of the equation was good, and the accountability not so much.

A prevailing opinion seems to be developing that we, as humans, deserve choice without accountability. I believe that this is one of Satan's most powerful mockeries of the eternal principle. Being able to choose and taking responsibility for the effects of our choices—good and bad—are two sides of the same coin. You can't lose one without losing the other. This has been a painful lesson for me, as I have had to learn to stop taking responsibility for things I did not choose, at the same time that I learned to take responsibility for the things that were my choice. However, as I've come to understand agency better, I have also come to see that taking responsibility is just as liberating as choosing.

It took an indescribable amount of soul-searching to come to the decision to divorce. And a great deal of pain came to me and to others for that decision. Yet, as I exercised my ability to choose, I also came to accept the responsibility for the effects of that choice. If I had not realized that the good effects of my choice far outweighed the bad, it would have been impossible to make. Yet, I sacrificed others' good opinions of me, my good opinion of myself, my personal comfort and feelings of safety, and in some measure, my daughters' comfort and safety, so that I could protect myself and my children in the long run. And, unexpectedly, my good opinion of myself as a daughter of God has returned tenfold. My children are happier and I am far happier than would have been possible had I not trusted the promptings of the Spirit to make that hard choice.

And I know that I am right in the sight of God, and that is priceless.

When we use our own judgment and the input of others to make our own decisions, and when we own the effects (foreseen and unforeseen) of those choices, we become a little more like God.

This also applies to conference talks and other things that are sometimes taught in the Church. LDS doctrine makes it very clear, for example, that divorce is not the ideal. Yet, because of the power and love of God, I was able to hear the Spirit and know when it was time to make the exception in my life. Though it was painful, it was empowering. And it has helped me believe even more strongly in the doctrines of the Church. I believe in eternal marriage and marital fidelity even more than I did before, and now I believe with a full heart and clearer vision of what marriage should be.

As we come to accept the doctrine of agency, and learn to choose wisely and take responsibility for the choices we make, we progress even closer to God and to understanding His doctrines.

Young Women's Values—Knowledge

. . . [Eve] heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.

~Moses 5:11

I love to learn about the way the world works. I have a tendency to remember random things about just about anything. I have always been a little intrigued by the onus placed on Knowledge by most of Christianity.

Perhaps we, as people, have a tendency to extremes. Either we want to know everything, and thus be responsible, or we want to know nothing and absolve responsibility. But that's not why we're here. When we learn, we also must learn how to use that knowledge, and that is what makes us "as Gods, knowing good and evil."

But knowledge doesn't come easily. We don't value what comes too cheaply. That which we earn through pain (such as through a degree, or significant experience) is indelibly etched on who and what we are.

For example, when I spend time with my children, I treasure every minute because sometimes I don't have them around. I am a better mother now that I know I could have lost them. I know that when I find a good man, a man who honors his Priesthood in righteousness, I honor him even more greatly because I know how easy it would be for him to try to exercise control over me. When I attend the temple, it is exquisite because I didn't have that opportunity for a year and a half while serving a mission. If my garden ever grows, the vegetables will taste divine because last year's yield was almost nothing.

That, I believe, is why the Spirit is so difficult to hear at times. If we always had the Spirit telling us every little thing we should do with little effort of our own, we would be unable to act on our own. Knowledge is the first step to agency, for without knowledge, we cannot act. We become objects of others' agency when we refuse to learn and apply that learning in wisdom.

I am intrigued by the claim that we must know good and evil. As Eve went on to say in the above scripture, without experiencing the bitter, they would not have known the sweet. Without pain and sorrow, we would not value the good.

Young Women's Values—Individual Worth

I sometimes wonder what value I have. I look at what I do, what I am, what I have accomplished and realize that it takes great faith to believe the Lord when He said that my worth is "great in the sight of God."

I have heard it asked why it was necessary for someone else to suffer for us. Was there no other way for God to bring about our eternal life? Why did Christ have to die? But when I read that it was for this purpose that "the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; . . . he suffered [your] pain . . . that [you] might repent and come unto him." I realize that there was truly no better way. That by doing what He did when He didn't have to, He made Himself into a being that I can have faith in, that I can worship without fear or restraint.

He took my pain upon Himself for no other reason than to help me. I can trust Him without reserve.

Knowing that He "tremble[d] because of pain, and [bled] at every pore, and [suffered] both body and spirit, and would that [he] might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink . . ." and did it anyways, for me . . . how could I not take this great gift and believe Him? And further recognize that everyone, everyone for whom He died deserves a level of respect. For when we deliberately hurt another person, one for whom Christ sacrificed for, we reject His gift.

So even if we can't see it sometimes, He can.

Young Women's Values—Divine Nature

I have a very hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I use the mirror to look at my face, my hair, my teeth, but I have noticed that I avoid looking myself (or others, for that matter) in the eyes. I think perhaps I am a little afraid of what I see. When I look myself in the eyes, it is as if I see a vast quantity of unfulfilled potential. I begin to realize that I am "born to privilege," and like all privilege, it comes with "specific obligations." (Queen Marie, Ever After)

When I was a teen, in the middle of surviving the Young Women's program, I had been "blessed" with a very sharp wit and the tongue to voice it. I remember (now with shame) bragging about being able to make a person feel one inch tall in one short sentence. (And I did, many times.) Although in college I came to better understand how precious every soul on this earth is, and have long ago lost most of my desire to wield my sharp tongue, there are times that I am tempted. Culture has glorified pointed witticism and made it funny when in reality it's just hurtful.

Part of becoming a true disciple of Christ is to not only learn to look ourselves in the eyes, to bear the divinity in ourselves, but to also look others in the eyes and respect their divinity. Christ demonstrated many times in scripture how He could not only see the divinity in people others thought worthless, but He could reach in and quicken that spark, bring it to life. If there was one spiritual gift I could have, it would be that: to recognize and feed human divinity.

Young Women's Values—Faith

White is the color of faith. Blinding, harsh, sharp enough to cut. Lonely. Cold. Like one who is in possession of a tiny candle in a limitless black, moving forward with faith can be terrifying.

When I was a Young Woman, we had a rappelling activity. (See, it wasn't all fluff and nonsense!) With an abiding fear respect for heights, I was more than a little reluctant. My German nature, however, doesn't allow such things to overcome, so I was game to try. After taking a few minutes to gaze in awe and respect at those who were spidering up and down the 100 ft. cliff nearby, I headed to my nice little (little?!) 30 ft. beginner cliff.

Setting my jaw in true German fashion, I screwed up my courage for the plunge. And then I peeked over the edge. The person holding the rope (the "belay" is the proper term, I believe) was none other than Brother Ham*, our resident ward clown. Brother Ham was a nice guy, one who appealed strongly to my practical joker side. However, Brother Ham was NOT the person I wanted for my belay on my very first attempt at conquering one of my greatest respects.

Despite this, I was determined to go ahead with it until he cracked a joke. I can't remember what he said, something to do with letting go and no need to worry, but I did not learn to rappel that day. Brother Ham was not the person I could put my faith in.

"Go, gather together all the Jews . . . and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day: I also and my maidens will fast likewise; and so will I go in unto the king, which is not according to the law: and if I perish, I perish."
Esther to Mordecai, Esther 4:16

Although faith can be cold and lonely at times, I have found it to often be like a warm, white down comforter. When my life is difficult—sometimes so difficult that giving up on my goals seems tempting—I know that when all the stress and loneliness is swept away, my faith in my Savior will always be there, like a white pearl at the bottom of a murky river bed. Unlike Brother Ham, He will not let me fall. (And if He does for some reason, I know He can heal me, literally and metaphorically.)

So when I think of the white of faith and my Young Women's experiences, and "when I think that God, His Son not sparing, sent Him to die," (LDS Hymns #86, How Great Thou Art) my faith in such a God and such a Son wraps around me like a warm down comforter, and I know that, come what may, my Savior lives and loves me. That faith gives me the courage necessary to take my tiny light and walk out into the darkness.







*names have been changed to protect the untrustworthy