Rejected and Despised

Another single man I knew and liked just got engaged. He is responsible, attractive in both personality and looks. He takes the Church seriously, and truly cares about God. And he wasn’t interested in me, even a little. He is only the latest in a long line of engaged people I've seen marry over the years since I divorced. At this point, every LDS male I’ve ever dated or been interested in is married or engaged to be married. There are no more for me.

I’m sure you might ask yourself how I can be so sure. Things happen, right? Well, in order for things to happen, you have to be in a place for them to happen. And I don’t have time for that. Because, while I am a single LDS woman whose faith has been tempered in the furnaces of mortality and who wants to be a good wife, I am first and foremost a mother, with everything that symbolizes and everything that means. I don't have time for singles' activities. My calling in the ward I can actually belong to makes it impossible to even go to singles ward.

And I am a mother, which means I have a past. I am not the dewy-eyed girl that good men of the priesthood have been promised as their prize for a well-spent mission. I am not innocent. I have scars, and many of them still hurt. My wounds are too deep. I am too jaded. Too overweight, too tall, too much, or too little. And as long as I do what the Church spent eighteen years teaching me to do, marrying only a return missionary in the temple, I will be alone. I am quickly getting too old to be the stay-at-home mom He commanded me to be with the large family He commanded me to have.

In the words of Taylor Swift, I’m not a princess, and this ain’t a fairytale. Or, as the great wizard Schmendrick said, there are no happy endings, because nothing ends.

One Woman's Mormon Temple Experience

It breaks my heart to see so many people struggling in the wake of excommunication. It is like a sea of disquiet. I know I can help one soul at a time, but right now the pain is overwashing anything I could do, so I'm mostly just listening.

There is so much discourse about women's terrible temple experiences, how the endowment ceremony hurts them, how it keeps them unable to understand their place and who they are as women. Right now all the stories seem to be about how unequal and terrible it is. But I believe in the power of stories. Parts of my story can only be shared one-on-one, in person, when moved by the Spirit. But right now I feel constrained to share something publicly. Maybe seeing how I process my temple experience can help someone else who is trying to understand.

Explaining the Importance of Marriage and Family

The last two Sundays, I substitute taught the 12-13 year old Sunday School class. These are the same children I taught a couple of years ago. Perhaps because the universe (or God) has a sense of humor, this time around I taught preparing to receive temple ordinances, and how to explain the importance of marriage and family to others.

The temple has been very rough for me since my divorce. It used to be the only place I felt at home, but having lost some of the covenants I made is especially painful when I attend the temple. Maybe it's ironic, having a divorced woman—and one who chose to file, no less—teach preparation for the temple and the importance of marriage and family. After all, from the outside, it could easily be said that I did not honor my covenants in the temple, and that I obviously don't value marriage or family all that much, since I gave them up. In many ways, it was a little humiliating to stand before these twelve- and thirteen-year-old boys and girls, as yet largely untouched by the pain of sacrifice and loss, and try to teach them something for which I'm a very shaky example.

Ritual Storytelling

"Mommy, can you tell me the story of when I was born?"

As I smiled and sunk into the familiar story, which I have told each of my children dozens of times, I watched their little faces. As I told of the pain of labor, little worry lines would appear between their eyebrows. They laugh at me as I reenact my groans of pain going over small bumps in the road and my ogre-like hollering as I went through active labor. But then comes the important part, for them, as I describe what it felt like when they finally entered the world, the look in their small dark eyes as they opened for the first time, how it felt to hold the perfect, tiny, new human being. I tell them what their eyes said to me, the way they smelled, how it felt when they took them away from me for the first time. I tell them how special they were to me, how I felt to be a mother. I watch their eyes light up, their faces relax in satisfaction at knowing how loved they have always been.

They know how the story ends. They don't ask me to tell it because they want to hear the story. Rather, they need the message in the story and what it means regarding my connection to them, and theirs to me.

The Church has its stories, too.

The Ninth Day: The Temple

"On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
nine ladies dancing."

The temple is a tangle of emotions for a great many people. I didn't used to understand the issues. My first experiences with the temple were beautiful in their simplicity. There were no surprises for me. I had been well prepared by my bishop and my roommate.

When I made the covenants surrounding the endowment, a world of peace and love was opened to me. Finally, I felt I was in a place I belonged.

The covenants of marriage were no less glorious. I made those covenants with determination and love. I dedicated my heart, mind, and soul to my husband. I was not a perfect wife by any means, but I gave everything I had to making the marriage work, to trying to bring happiness to my husband.

Then came the time when I realized that those very intentions conflicted. I could no longer keep all the covenants I made, but I had to choose between dedication and love to my husband and dedication and love to my God.

"Mormon" and "Christian" Are Different

Some say that the LDS Church is hypocritical when claiming the "Christian" title despite others' refusal to grant it to us and, at the same time, separating ourselves from other groups (such as the FLDS) who call themselves "Mormon."

Although I don't begrudge the title of "Mormon" to anyone who believes in the Book of Mormon as scripture, I do want to point out that the difference in labeling is not as inconsistent as it seems. It all has to do with connotative meaning. The label "Christian" has been around for about two thousand years. It has weathered many splinter groups of Christians, and has a healthy history of being applicable to many different groups.

"Mormon," on the other hand, is only a few hundred years old, and is generally used to mean one particular group, namely the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I don't mind if anyone who believes in the Book of Mormon calls themselves "Mormon" if they like. But I do have a problem with someone telling me I am a polygamous wife simply because I am a Mormon. Just like I have a problem with people telling me I have to believe in the Nicene creed simply because I call myself a Christian.

The Temple and Squeaky Shoes

I went to the temple again for the first time in awhile. It's funny to think that, at one point, I went every week, craving the peace and tranquility, the feeling of home. Now attendance is painful. I don't really feel a part of anything there any more, and what I do feel causes me to cry, which I hate doing. But I went because I knew I needed to, and because I had promised my mother I would.

I walked through the doors feeling like I did not belong. As I went through the foyer, I felt all eyes on me. My shoes, the only black dress shoes I own, squeak loudly when I walk, a fact that wasn't nearly so noticeable when I was walking outside. I wondered if they saw me as the interloper I felt, with my squeaky shoes announcing my presence with every step. I never liked those shoes particularly, but for a moment they became the symbol of all that has gone wrong in my life, of all that has labeled me a failure, and I hated them. I kept walking anyways.

Because scheduling is pretty tight, and because I didn't know if I could endure an endowment session just then, I participated in initiatory. I did fairly well at first, but by the second name I could no longer help myself, and tears rolled down my cheeks. One kind ordinance worker also teared up. I'm sure she thought I was moved by the Spirit, but I wasn't. I was moved by self-pity. I hated myself for that, too, wishing and praying that my feelings were different than they were.

Midway through the third name, a new worker came in. She had never done this particular ordinance, and she stumbled over nearly every phrase. I smiled at her, and nodded reassuringly, glad to have something to think about besides my own inadequacies. Her trainer said, "She is just learning." I crumbled as the Spirit electrified that message in my heart. I realized that I am just learning, too. I'm new to my particular position in life, and I am just learning how to do it, making mistakes, feeling inadequate.

As I walked out of the temple in my squeaky shoes, I realized that they didn't matter. Perhaps others were looking at me, wondering why I wore such noisy shoes, wondering if I even belonged in the temple at all. Maybe I don't really belong there. In the Atonement of Christ, it doesn't matter. I am just learning.

Temple Questions

There is a very interesting conversation over at Zelophehad's Daughters which I found worth linking here, in light of having no feelings towards posting something of my own.

Blah, Blah: "Big Love", Mormons and Temples

I'll bite on this topic simply because I don't think there are enough people who don't think it's a big deal. You get some people smugly sitting back, watching other people react with outrage or disgust. You get others perplexed by the whole thing. My reaction is "eh."

The temple ordinances are sacred, not secret, as has been said many times before. They have been available for reading in their entirety for a very long time. The Church has not to my knowledge been overly concerned with temple security. Anyone with cunning, patience and will could sneak in. Additionally, anyone (member or not) who is curious about the temple can attend an open house before it is dedicated and have a great many questions answered without resorting to subterfuge. In fact, in some countries (such as Germany), the temple and its grounds can be annexed and used by the government at any time.

None of it matters to me. No amount of discussion or verbatim quotation can come close to touching on the actual ceremony. A surprising amount of the temple ceremony can be shared and discussed without breaking covenants (per Boyd K. Packers The Holy Temple) and there are very few parts that are not discussed therein. Much of the temple ceremony can be found in scripture, if you know what to look for. True, I have made covenants not to share certain aspects of the temple ceremony outside of certain areas of the temple itself, and it matters to me not in the least that others have broken their covenants to do so.

Likewise, it matters to me not in the least that some members are part of the cast, and intend to be next year. That is their issue with God, and I am no judge of it, even if I wanted to be.

So, I don't really care what other people do with things I hold sacred. They cannot tarnish my experiences in the temple no matter how they try. They can't even understand them, should they recite the ceremonies in their entirety. That is good enough for me.

I know what I have experienced in the temple. I know how I have been able to draw closer to God, better understand His love for me, and my role in life. No other place has been a sanctuary for me in the way the temple has. It is simply a natural yet infinitely beautiful part of my progression towards God. In the temple, I have drunk deeply of the Spirit. I have worshiped and been befriended by my God. What can compare?

I Believe in Exaltation

Articles of Faith #10
We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.

There is a great deal in this small verse. Most of it seems rather scholarly in nature. The point of these posts, however, is not scholarly but is testimonial. I could get into talking about the lost ten tribes of Israel and the Millennium, but so much information is strictly hypothetical. There is a great deal that is not hypothetical, revealed in visions of the Millennium and in prophecies about the ten tribes, but most of that is highly symbolic. I feel there is a reason for that, and don't really want to touch on that more than briefly.

My understanding of the Father's Plan for His children is twofold: that there must be a Fall, and there must be a redemption from that Fall. Most of the covenants and meaning found in Israel and the tribes is wrapped up in that great and First covenant that God made before the world was created, appointing a Savior and appointing one to Fall. After his choice, Adam received the Atoning Covenant on behalf of all His children, appointed to the Priesthood which he could pass to his righteous sons. That birthright is tied up in the Priesthood, as priesthood wielders stand as proxy for Christ himself in ministering to His children. That Priesthood was given to Abraham and down to Israel, making the family of Israel a symbol for priesthood power and the promise of atonement. Only those who become righteous have this priesthood and are counted as part of this family. Zion, the inhabitants of which were fully righteous, being complete beneficiaries of the Priesthood promise, is a symbol of the fulfillment of this promise: exaltation.

As a symbol, the Priesthood, Zion and Israel represent very real power granted through the Atonement from Christ himself. Every time we participate in priesthood ordinances ranging from the Sacrament to temple ordinances, we are reenacting a part of this wonderful Plan, strengthening our dedication to it. The promise that we can go home someday cannot be paralleled by any other promise. Nothing else matters before that great covenant.

We will not go home unchanged. We will, in this life, make some necessary steps towards exaltation, towards realizing our full potential as children of the Most High. I think if we really understood what this meant, the merest urge to sin would nauseate us. The Law and the Atonement are not about fitting a mold, it is about blossoming. Anything we do to fight against that hurts only us in the long run.

Whatever my judgment shall be, I look forward to meeting the Savior. I hope I will be enfolded in His arms, allowed to plead with Him directly for forgiveness and thank Him for His amazing gift. I love Him, and I long for the day when the earth itself shall be exalted and I will see the Plan of God fulfilled.

Letting Your Temple Recommend Expire

I firmly believe that most gospel questions can be answered by an appeal to scripture, with modern revelation clarifying points. Our high councilman spoke to my ward yesterday and mentioned something, however, that I have been unable to clearly answer. He said, "If you let your temple recommend expire, those blessings are temporarily shelved." I believe "those blessings" to which he was referring were the blessings of the temple. It caught my attention, because I am not sure I understand what he was driving at or fully agree with what he said.

So, I did what I try to always do: research it in an attempt to gain understanding. I have found several talks from various sources that discuss temple recommends, but I haven't found anything that exactly resolves my confusion. It seems to me from the sources (listed below) that the temple recommend is a physical symbol of spiritual worthiness. One blessing the recommend provides is the ability to attend the temple. It is true that if we do not have a current recommend, we cannot enter the temple. That is certainly one blessing that is shelved. I feel that many blessings to which he was referring, including the protection of the covenants, are not shelved. Even if your recommend temporarily expires through inattention or inability to renew it for whatever logistical reason, you have still made the covenants. So long as you are living up to those covenants, you should receive the blessings of them.

What are your thoughts on this topic? There is very little chance for an appeal to authority or for him to explain what he meant by his quote, unfortunately. I would like to ponder it out until the Spirit can lead me to an answer. Others' perspectives on the issue would certainly help.

Sources:
Women's Manual
Elder Nelson
Elder Robbins of the Seventy
President Hunter
President Hinckley

Does a Happy Ending Define a Genuine Experience with the Spirit?

I was reading a series of comments to a post at Mormon Matters and ran into this comment. Essentially, it says that if an action ends happily, we can conclude that an action was prompted by the Holy Ghost. I'm not so sure this is true.

I seem to be at a 5-10 year period of my life wherein I try to follow the Spirit and receive confirmation to every careful request for direction but my decisions that seem to be Spirit-guided end badly. I have come to realize that the ending does not invalidate my Spiritual prompting. To give a fairly innocuous example, I felt a strong, Spiritual drive towards a geographical location after my mission. I had a choice to remain in Florida (not really an option for me, I hate the heat) to follow my parents to Washington and find a job there (an area of the country I have longed after) or to come back to Utah. I felt I should come back to Utah. There was no doubt in my heart, and every time I prayed in and out of the temple, I felt that same strong prompting. I came here only to find myself Spiritually stagnating in this environment, aggravated by the constant bickering between Mormons and ex-Mormons and non-Mormons. I have no real day-to-day friends in my life. A few experiences since my return have left me feeling rather alienated from the Church rather than integrated.

Does that mean my prompting was not real because its ending was not happy? You might argue that it hasn't ended yet, but I have other more personal examples which have to all practical purposes ended and left me feeling broken. Yet, I believe that I did follow actual promptings. I don't think the question of whether or not someone followed the Spirit can always be answered by the obvious results of their actions. I don't think that the Spirit always leads us to happy endings in this life.

As my favorite movie, the Last Unicorn concludes, "there are no happy endings, because nothing ends." Not in this life, anyways. I know, however, that after our lives are over if not before, we will have cause to thank the Lord and thank Him and thank Him, both for the joys in our lives and for the sorrows. I know by my own experience that if we do our best to follow the Spirit, even though our lives may seem dark and lonely for awhile, we will find that our path led us through the greatest joys in this life to the Greatest Joy of all eternity.

A House of Holiness

I have felt to write about several topics over the last few days, most of them forgotten once I sit down to write. This is something, however, that has stuck with me. It is a topic very close to my heart. I am aware that the internet is not always the best venue in which to share deeply spiritual things, as there are those who may read them who will mock them. Despite knowing this, I feel it important for me to share what I can of what I feel and know on this subject, despite feeling awkward and unwieldy in my words.

There is too much back story to share it all, but I'll share what I can. When I was fourteen, I had an experience which inspired me to want to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. From fourteen to twenty, my future plans were centered around this event. For any reading who are not aware, before a man or woman serves a mission for the Church, they must receive what are called "endowments" in the temple of God. These endowments consist of additional covenants with the Lord, much like baptismal covenants. These covenants, again like baptism, help you become what you must become to follow Jesus Christ and return to our Father in Heaven. Typically, no one makes these covenants until they are preparing to either serve a mission for the Church or to be married for eternity. When I was nineteen, I felt a strong impression from the Spirit of God that I should go to the temple, despite being two years away from a mission and much longer than that from marriage.

I had heard many rumors about the temple, some of which were a bit unnerving. But I prayed and continued to feel the strong desire to go. My parents were against the notion. Although they were both members of the Church, they felt that I should wait until later, until a time more typical for this step. After months of praying, searching the scriptures and counseling with my bishop and stake president, I decided to go. This was a difficult decision. My father was stationed in Korea at the time and my mother was far enough away to make it impossible for either to attend. My only family members in attendance were my paternal grandparents and one of my mother's sisters.

Despite this, the entire experience was beautiful beyond description. There were parts I had not expected, but the session was filled with the most glorious power of the Spirit. I learned things I had read before, but never properly understood. I learned empowering things about who I am and who I could become. I learned about the work and glory of the Lord, and I covenanted to be a part of that great undertaking. I felt whole for the first time in my life. I felt that I was part of something, that I belonged.

It wasn't until much later that I learned that the temple experience was not that way for many. There are some who found the experience mundane or even physically hot and uncomfortable. There are some who find it to be simply a hoop to jump through in order to be a "perfect Mormon". There are some who are not comfortable with the promises made or the things said. One of my favorite companions was one of these. We were so much alike in many ways, but her first experience in the temple was downright panicky for her. We spent many hours during that six weeks talking about the temple and about our different perspectives. I think she felt better about things, understood them better, after our talks.

I understand that the temple is a thing of mystery and sometimes fear for many, but I know that it can be the most beautiful experience imaginable. I am grateful that I did not have to work for that first understanding of its power and beauty, but I am not exempt from the need to work for that understanding now. And it does take work for most of us. Even now, though my feelings of unity with God and His children are not guaranteed every time I go, I long to be in the temple. It is quiet there. It is home. Only in the temple can I truly step away from this life for awhile and obtain an eternal perspective. There I can feel the love of God more strongly than anywhere else. Whether you who read these words are an LDS member or not, study and learn about the temple in the hopes of eventually attending and strengthening your bond with God. In the end, it will be an experience unparalleled.

If you are curious about what you will do in the temple, I can tell you that everything you need to know is in the scriptures. If you read, pray and prepare, you will open yourself to understanding. D&C 38: 30-33

I tell you these things because of your prayers; wherefore, treasure up wisdom in your bosoms, lest the wickedness of men reveal these things unto you by their wickedness, in a manner which shall speak in your ears with a voice louder than that which shall shake the earth; but if ye are prepared ye shall not fear*.

And that ye might escape the power of the enemy, and be gathered unto me a righteous people, without spot and blameless—Wherefore, for this cause I gave unto you the commandment that ye should go to the [temple]; and there I will give unto you my law; and there you shall be endowed with power from on high;

And from thence, whosoever I will shall go forth among all nations, and it shall be told them what they shall do; for I have a great work laid up in store, for Israel shall be saved, and I will lead them whithersoever I will, and no power shall stay my hand.

*Prepare yourself with prayer and by reading the scriptures - the Old and New Testaments, as well as the Book of Mormon - and you can be an even greater part of His great work: the salvation of His people.