Sustaining Failure

"But as for me and my house...."

This is a refrain I've read often recently, mostly from people who support the Brethren of the Church to those who are struggling with recent policy changes and the claim that those policy changes are revelation from God.

While I resonate with that sentiment: to "claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of [my] own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege..." I can't help but feel that it is a way to shut down discussion, to draw a line in the sand, and to condemn those who are wrestling with this concept. In that I have no interest.

It is with this in the back of my mind that I read again the words of Brethren from over forty years ago, and prayerfully ponder what I should write. I am very grateful to be invited to participate in the General Conference Odyssey, but I admit to feeling a little out of water. I do not write the great analyses that others write. I don't tend to place things in historical, doctrinal, or philosophical context. My blog is very personal, just as the name suggests. It is about two things which are really one thing: publicly sharing parts of my struggles with God in the hopes that seeing me try to shore up my house against the storms of mortality will encourage others to do the same, to build their house on the rock of my Redeemer. My relationship with God is not all that I am, but it is the part of me that I most want to share. It is the best thing I have to offer the world...or the tiny part of it I can reach. I know that I am nothing, but I will write of the miracles of God in me as best I can.

A Marriage Contract

You might wonder why I, as a woman who was single longer than I was married, and whose life as a divorcee is now longer than as a wife, might come and talk about what marriage should be. As a failure, perhaps I have no right to counsel those of you who have kept your relationships intact.

Since my own marriage (and even before,) I have watched all of you who are married. I have watched for signs that marriage can be what I think it is. I have found a few people who I believe live what God intended. But I have also found plentiful evidence that being married does not necessarily teach one understanding of marriage.

Raising a Missionary

My daughter is preparing for baptism. One of the things I encouraged her to do was to go up in front of the ward and bear testimony. She is seven years old, and very concerned about what other people think of her. Though she used to bear testimony regularly as a small child, she hasn't for some time after developing excruciating shyness in front of an audience.

I told her that bearing her testimony in Church on Fast Sunday might be a good thing to do before making the covenant to stand as God's witness. She agreed to do it, but her fears soon overtook her.

"But I don't know what to say," she said.

"You say what you believe in. What the gospel of Jesus Christ means to you."

"I'm going to be nervous."

"Most people are nervous, sweetheart. If you want me to, I'll go up with you."

She nodded, but still looked doubtful. "That would be good, mommy."

"I will stand up with you and hold your hand, if you like."

"Will you whisper what to say?"

For God Loved the World; Pain and Valentine's Day

This is my daughter's newest favorite song. It has long been one of mine as well. I think it has one of the tenderest aspects of doctrine in the Gospel. This year, that same daughter is making the decision to be baptized. It is something filled with mixed emotions for me, most of which I don't want to get into. But on this day, when we celebrate love, I want to celebrate both loves which changed my life: the love of God and the love of my children.

I am far from perfect, especially right now. It has seemed, especially lately, that the church is leaving me behind. I don't feel a part of it. I don't feel a part of the Lord's Kingdom. And that hurts. If I could put my finger on one thing I want more than anything else, it is to feel like I belong, like I'm part of accomplishing something good. And I don't.

But as I wrote some time ago, I feel as if the Lord wants me here. Nearly four years later, I still don't know why. Not much has changed. I have a burning testimony that the Gospel is true, I just don't know how I fit into it. And I'm watching my precious child, with many of the same self-critical personality traits that I have, prepare to make this huge covenant. I'm proud of her, and terrified for her.

Having a Hard Time

I've been thinking a lot about toxic people and negativity. If it isn't already obvious, I've had a really hard time the last five years. I've been that toxic person everyone tells you to stay away from.

I destroyed myself trying to become the wife my husband wanted me to be, dealing with having to abandon my child every day and work while watching our money vanish without knowing why. I found out my husband had a vasectomy after "trying" for several months to have another baby and fearing our failure was my fault. I subjugated all my hurt and insecurities in order to support him through our couple's counseling, thinking our marriage was getting better and healing, finding out his surgery worked and I was pregnant again, only to have it all blow up in my face beyond any redemption. I went through a divorce that completely undermined any shred of self-esteem I pretended to have.

I made a nuisance of myself to the few friends who would listen...until it got too much for them and I learned to shut myself up. I fought far beyond the limits of my own strength to preserve my faith, pretend to be strong for my children, stabilize my finances, deal with stress-related health issues during my pregnancy, try to heal from that, and finalize the divorce. Once I got through that, I had to navigate the leftover effects of fear, and the attempts at emotional onslaught through and to my children.

By a little over a year ago, it mostly settled out and I thought my efforts finally met some success and peace. But then my job went crazy, and I lost it, tried to take that loss and turn it into a chance to go back into my first field, discovered that wasn't possible, and found a (very good but not dream) job, where I have been ever since. I haven't even touched on the emotional turmoil I have gone through with trying to overcome my fear and open my heart to dating.

Now that I'm on the other side of all of it, it feels a little easier to forgive myself. It also seems impossible that most of that could have happened in only five years. No wonder the last year has found me almost completely without motivation to try with ANYTHING any more. There isn't one aspect of my life that hasn't been a fight.

Listing it like that shows me the amazing protection I have had from my Father in Heaven, the support I have had from my mom and a couple of friends, and my inner strength that I can't see when I just look at today. I am very aware of how much of a burden I have been to people in my life, how events and my struggles have left me largely stripped of all close friends but my parents, and how my normally slightly cynical but ultimately optimistic personality has really taken a beating.

It has also given me perspective to reanalyze everything I believe about God, and my relationship with Him and His children.

After the Manner of Happiness

Most of the drafts I have sitting behind the scenes will probably never be written or published. Some of them don't seem important to me any more. Some of them were only whispers of thought that have not yet coalesced, and may never coalesce. But I saw this title without text, and it resonated with me right now.

"And it came to pass that we lived after the manner of happiness."
—2 Nephi 5:27

I haven't been writing as often lately. I have been turning inward, rather than outward, in my contemplation. I have reached a new level of peace from what I have had since my life fell apart, but the nature of that peace is not something that I feel will help anyone else going through a similar journey. Each of us have to reach it on our own, and in our own way.

For me, it is like diving into the undertow I have fought so long, and that is not a course of action I would recommend generally.

When Nephi wrote the above scripture, he wrote it from the end of his story. He had succeeded in helping his father bring their family across the sea to the new land. He had tried to fulfill the blessing the Lord gave him to teach his brothers, only to eventually have to flee them when his father died. He knew what it was like to feel like a failure, weak and ineffectual in fulfilling the commandments of God. His people were the only ones in the land with the gospel of the Lord.

It is important that he didn't say "we were happy." He said they "lived after the manner of happiness." I don't think this means that they pretended to be happy. I think it means they followed the gospel, living the Plan of Happiness.

The Covenant of the Holy Ghost

In Doctrine and Covenants, we are taught that those who are baptized should have manifested by their works that they have received the Spirit of Christ unto a remission of sins. This indicates that it is not impossible to feel and be guided by the Holy Spirit, and even receive a remission of sins before we have been baptized and confirmed.

What is the difference between feeling the Holy Ghost and receiving the Holy Ghost?

Often, when teaching the gospel principle of the Holy Ghost to those new in the Gospel, we explain that it is having the Spirit with you always versus having it with you sometimes. I am sure this is accurate on one level, but as I've listened to many discuss the actions of the Spirit before and after excommunication, I've wondered if there isn't something more that we don't usually understand.

When we refer to "baptism," we really ought to be referring to "baptism and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost," as Elder Packer suggests. Baptism without confirmation (or receiving the Holy Ghost) is only half an ordinance.

When we are baptized, we are dedicating ourselves to a change in behavior. We are being initiated as disciples of Jesus Christ, promising to humble ourselves in His service by repenting of sin, to follow His commandments, to represent Him in His absence, and to witness through our words and deeds that He is the Savior of the world, no matter our circumstances.

In order to help us with this VERY tall order, He promises the constant companionship of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit will guide us in our actions, teach us all things we should do to be a representative of Christ, and create in us a "remission of sin" or, like cancer, an "abatement or diminution" of sin. This means that even though we are fallen and live in a fallen world, we can be blessed with a lessening of the effects of the Fall.

So the difference between feeling the Holy Spirit, and receiving the Holy Spirit is that when we are baptized and given the gift of the Holy Ghost, we have dedicated ourselves to Christ and His Church. When we live true to the covenant we made to be His disciple, we are granted the gifts of the Spirit in pursuing that work.

When we are excommunicated, though it is possible to feel the Spirit and even experience the gifts of the Spirit, it is without the framework of covenant. And although a baptized person may not feel the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, it is when they are not being true to the promise they made to make their work His work.

It is completely understandable that a person who is baptized or excommunicated will not feel an appreciable difference in the influence of the Holy Ghost in their lives at the moment of the covenant making or loss. The difference isn't in their access to the Holy Spirit, as God speaks to all of His children who seek Him. The difference is in the life purpose of the individual.

The difference is in us.

Naming the Rose

One of my favorite authors, Madeleine L'Engle, explored the concept of Naming in her book, A Wind in the Door. To summarize, Naming is a process by which a Namer understands a thing and Names it what it truly is. Like so many of the spiritual ideas in L'Engle's work, this one resonated with me. Scripturally, it would explain why God and His messengers so often name the people they speak with before they deliver their message.

There is also an immense social power in the power of naming. That is why stereotypes will always exist to some extent. Names are symbols. When you name something, you bring with it all the connotation and symbolism inherent in that name. Perhaps this is why we so often try to define the people in our lives by certain names. This is the jock. He is the geek. She is the cheerleader. They are the Mormons.

Sometimes names mean slightly different things to different people, which is why miscommunication happens. Names act as a mental shorthand, allowing us to mean far more than we actually say. The Church's struggle with the name "Mormon" makes perfect sense in this context. Some people think "Mormon" and think plural wives, devil horns and child molestation. Others think of charitable works, the MoTab and temples.

If we accept a name that might not fit us with all its connotations, we find ourselves explaining a lot. Yes, I'm Mormon. No, I don't have any sister wives. Yes, I go to the temple. Yes, I believe the Bible.

Yet, perhaps there is power in explaining a name as well. So long as we don't let ourselves be defined by the name, but choose to define the name itself, we can accept it. As we do this, we have to be careful that when we are Named, we are truly understood. That means taking a Name upon us which we keep sacred by the way we live, the way we treat others.

Sure, "Mormon" is a name which can apply to us, but "disciple of Christ" should be the ultimate Name by which we are known. That should be the name that He Names us.

And remember, according to L'Engle, in order to be Named, the Namer has to understand the core of who we are. To be Named Christ's disciple, we have to truly be His.

I Believe in the Gospel of Christ

Articles of Faith #4
[I] believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.

I have had a surprisingly difficult time writing this. I thought it would be easy, writing about faith, repentance, baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. I have written about each of these before, I believe, but I have been drawn to talk about them a little differently than I expected to do. Much of what I say here has been revealed to me only recently through scripture study. The words are nothing new, and I feel limited in what I am able to say here, but the understanding is completely new and life-altering. I am still working on it, working through it, but it is more glorious and beautiful beyond anything promised on the path of the Self.

As I have studied these concepts with writing this post in mind, the question Why? continually came to me. We speak all the time of the principles of faith and repentance and the ordinances of baptism and the gift of the Spirit, but the "Why?" is usually summed up with "to be saved". I wanted to know more of what "saved" means.

Scripture teaches us a fairly well-known process. The Lord has asked us to believe that Christ can atone for our sins (faith), to do all we can to right the damage done by our sins (repent), to demonstrate our willingness to follow Christ and become cleansed (baptism) and to keep His commandments (also referred to enduring to the end or overcoming by faith). By exercising our self-discipline in a continuing cycle of repentance and obedience, we will be purified.

In return, He has promised us the Gift of the Holy Ghost to help guide us in that cycle, and eventual sanctification by the Spirit. We often speak of this process, but less mentioned is the final step before exaltation: being sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise (otherwise referred to as the second endowment, being of the Church of the Firstborn, being given the Second Comforter or having one's calling and election made sure.)

In Sunday School, I was recently enlightened on these questions of "Why follow or perform the principles and ordinances?" and "What does it mean to be 'saved'?". In a rush to "get through the lesson" (a topic for another time), the teacher only read the title of a section in chapter 18 of the Joseph Smith Teachings of the Presidents of the Church manual. It reads "Those who receive the testimony of Jesus, receive the ordinances of the gospel, and overcome by faith will inherit the celestial kingdom."

Intrigued by the statement for some reason, though I'd heard it often, I read down in the paragraph and noticed something that wasn't mentioned in the title. It reads ". . . overcome by faith and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, which the Father sheds forth upon all those who are just and true." (D&C 76) I went on a flurry of footnote searching and cross-references and realized that this is the entire reason for the principles and ordinances of the Gospel. They all lead to seeing Him and being ministered to by Him. They are not to restrict or condemn us, they are to lead us to the final sealing, whereby we are sealed to Christ and to Heavenly Father. We will know that we are promised eternal life. It was given to many in their lives, and will be given to all those who have been valiant.

In my reading, I have come to understand that if we do all the Father asks, there will be a time when we are ministered to by Him and by Jesus Christ. They are the Second Comforter.

The Lord said to those who believed they knew better than the words given through Joseph Smith because of his imperfection, "inasmuch as you strip yourselves from jealousies and fears, and humble yourselves before me . . . the veil shall be rent and you shall see me and know that I am . . . ." That admonition and promise is as true today, among all the flurry of criticism, and "issues" such as women/priesthood, Mountain Meadows, Proposition 8 and such, as it was to Joseph's peers.

We will actually see His face and know Him. It is a gift to all willing to subvert their will to the Father's will, to all who are just and true. This must happen in order to enter the Celestial Kingdom. In a literal way, it is the Celestial Kingdom. I wish I could express the feelings and knowledge burning through me. These words aren't anything new, but my understanding of them is fresh and vibrant. This is no little "I am saved!" this is big. I can only urge all you who read to pray for more knowledge and understanding. There is so much spiritual oil out there that you can only purchase for yourself. If you allow yourself to be distracted by comparatively flimsy issues of "equality", spiritual and literal fingerprints on the windows, or the imperfections of the Church and her leaders, you will miss your own imperfections and the chance to enter this process of purification, sanctification and ministration.

I know with a certainty beyond any other that Jesus Christ lives, that He will show Himself to me if I am patient and faithful, and that He will show Himself to you if you are the same. Please give up the petty jealousies and fears. Do what He asks of you.

There is no other way than the way He has given us; the principles and ordinances of the Gospel.

Excommunication

First, a disclaimer. I have never been involved in any way in a disciplinary council. Since the proceedings of such are not publicized, I have no direct knowledge on the subject. What I do have is observations of the excommunicated's behavior afterwards and their explanation and publication of the proceedings. That is what I'm going on.

I find it interesting how excommunications from the LDS Church gain so much sympathy and publicity. Many rail against the Church's actions. The Church, like any church, has the perfect right to excommunicate anyone who does not agree with them. You can't see the NAACP keeping racists within their ranks, nor can you see Democrats welcoming in flaming conservatives with open arms. Of course, almost no thinking person agrees wholeheartedly 100% with the Church. It is entirely the Church's prerogative to determine where disagreement crosses the bounds of membership in the Church.

Moreover, it is silly when people act surprised at the results of the most publicized disciplinary councils. Many bemoan the lack of perspective from the Church's side. Both this recent "Men on a Mission" calendar creator's excommunication and the long-mourned excommunication of the September Six seem to me to be fairly cut-and-dry. Granted, no one really knows the details who was not present, but the general requirements for excommunication are quite clearly outlined in scripture.

When a person breaks the covenants they made at baptism, they are excommunicated. It is as simple as that, and I imagine it is rarely in any doubt. If, in a disciplinary council (consisting of members who have authority and stewardship to be there), the person in question is told that their behavior is a sin and they need to repent, and they then frankly refuse to do so, they are excommunicated. They have starkly refused to be humble. They have vocally and obviously placed something above their covenants, whether that be a pet doctrine or a disrespectful calendar. Generally speaking, they have deliberately flaunted other covenants they have made and broken the commandments of the Lord. Moreover, most of them have agreed that they no longer believe or are willing to follow the tenets of the Church. They have usually effectively withdrawn themselves from membership already. If they were on top of things, they would have already asked to have their names removed (unless they are using their membership as a supposed stamp of respectability.)

Additionally, the excommunication is better for all parties. It is intended, much like withdrawal of the privilege of taking the sacrament, to wake the person to the seriousness of the need to repent. All who are excommunicated have the opportunity to be rebaptized, if they repent. The grounds for repentance are no different than they are for being baptized the first time.

Actions that might get you excommunicated should you refuse to accept correction include:

1. Preaching doctrines not officially taught by the Church
2. Murder, incest, or child abuse
3. Apostasy
4. Fraud and dishonesty in business dealings
5. Physical, sexual or emotional abuse
6. Homosexual and extramarital sexual relations
7. Abandonment of family responsibilities
8. Many, many other things

Actions not subject to disciplinary council include:

1. Not paying tithing
2. Breaking the Word of Wisdom
3. Neglecting to attend church or to receive home teachers
4. Business failure or nonpayment of debts
5. Personal disputes
6. Voluntary request to have one's name removed from the records of the Church.

Those curious to learn more can read Elder Ballard's discourse on the subject and Elder Robert Simpson's discussion on repentance and Church courts. I found both to be very instructive.

The LDS Covenant of Baptism - At All Times, In All Things, and In All Places

So often, people think of baptism as a door by which to enter a Church. Beyond that, it seems to entail little other requirement on the part of the baptized. It gives the one baptized an unconditional "free" grace, requiring only the profession of belief in Christ. Once a person is baptized, that person can never lose Christ's grace, no matter what they do. From what I understand, this is what many Churches refer to as being "saved". Others believe that baptism is a sign of discipleship, but they don't always go into detail about what that discipleship requires.

The LDS on the other hand, believe that baptism is a covenant - in other words, a mutual promise set up by God. In covenants, we promise to do certain things, and the Lord promises certain blessings. This is the baptism of water. The LDS baptism isn't complete until a person receives the Gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands. This Gift gives receivers the right to the Holy Ghost's constant companionship. This continual influence by the Spirit eventually works the baptism by fire or the spirit, spoken of in scripture.

What is more, LDS members promise to witness of Christ all the time. It is this aspect of baptism that has me thinking lately.

I don't know if very many members of the Church really do this. I don't think it requires constantly babbling about the Church to all and sundry, but I do think it requires a level of spiritual connection that has a person ready to verbally witness at all times, and has a person nonverbally witnessing of Christ on a constant basis.

I have recently reevaluated myself by asking myself questions such as, "Am I living as a witness of Christ at work?" "How about to my family?" "Do my neighbors see and hear my witness in my behavior to them?" "Do I drive as a witness of Christ should?" I'm afraid I've found myself wanting on several counts.