The Seventh Day: Eternal Life

"On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
seven swans a-swimming."

Eternal life is a tricky one. Most of us think of it as something we will get in the future, like an ultimate prize for righteousness. We love to joke about how much we can get away with and still "get into" heaven. Even within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we often talk about "making it" to the Celestial Kingdom.

Eternal life is more than just living forever. It is living as God lives. Eternal life is His life. To live as God lives we must be willing to be what He is. That is not some prize to be won, it is something to become. And face it, we don't know all that much about God.

What we do know is nearly impossible to understand.

A Divine Characteristic: Patience

I have come to painful realization of yet another personal character flaw. You see, over the past several years, I thought I was learning to be more patient. Much to my chagrin, I have lately come to see that what I thought of as patience was only a different coping mechanism, and not development of a divine trait at all.

Can you imagine what it would be like to be God? To have infinite love for an infinite group of people more or less bent on destroying themselves? That sounds nothing like heaven to me. So how does He do it? How does He wait patiently for us to learn the things He already knows, lessons which hurt us needlessly, hurt others immensely, and leave us miserable in a lifetime that was meant for joy?

Rights vs. Responsibilities

This is an amazing post on entitlement that deserves some discussion.

He addresses it in a business sense, but in what sense could it be applied to our relationship with the Lord? With our families?

Submission and the Power of God

Apame at ZD just posted something about submission that I love. And I can't say that very often about blog posts.

This post puts an exact finger on some things that have been bothering me, that I have felt in my heart without being able to express.

Submission as an expectation cannot by definition be divine submission. It's not just ethical submission, in my mind, but Eternal Submission. There is something of the power of God in this, in how things submit to His will freely, in how His power flows without compulsion. Not only does that happen because God is good, but it is necessary for the power of God to act this way.

I think that is the major part of God's power that Satan does not and can not ever understand.

Young Women's Values—Divine Nature

I have a very hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I use the mirror to look at my face, my hair, my teeth, but I have noticed that I avoid looking myself (or others, for that matter) in the eyes. I think perhaps I am a little afraid of what I see. When I look myself in the eyes, it is as if I see a vast quantity of unfulfilled potential. I begin to realize that I am "born to privilege," and like all privilege, it comes with "specific obligations." (Queen Marie, Ever After)

When I was a teen, in the middle of surviving the Young Women's program, I had been "blessed" with a very sharp wit and the tongue to voice it. I remember (now with shame) bragging about being able to make a person feel one inch tall in one short sentence. (And I did, many times.) Although in college I came to better understand how precious every soul on this earth is, and have long ago lost most of my desire to wield my sharp tongue, there are times that I am tempted. Culture has glorified pointed witticism and made it funny when in reality it's just hurtful.

Part of becoming a true disciple of Christ is to not only learn to look ourselves in the eyes, to bear the divinity in ourselves, but to also look others in the eyes and respect their divinity. Christ demonstrated many times in scripture how He could not only see the divinity in people others thought worthless, but He could reach in and quicken that spark, bring it to life. If there was one spiritual gift I could have, it would be that: to recognize and feed human divinity.

He Knows My Name

At times in my life I have found it too painful to pray. Communing with my Father means facing a whole lot of things I can't change, and can't do anything about. At these times, I pray in the sense of routine, but really praying, I am able to do only in small, manageable pieces.

But I know how much I have been blessed. The hard times I have been through in my life could have been so much worse, and are for so many people. I don't know why I have been so carefully, tenderly watched over. But I am so grateful to Him. Despite my occasional anger. Despite sometimes feeling betrayed and so alone.

When I do get the courage to pray, I feel Him there. I feel His love envelope me. And I know that I can trust Him to fulfill every promise He has made, and every righteous yearning of my heart.

Even the ones I can't do anything about.

A Divine Characteristic: Silence

I have a generally expressive social style, which means that I often open my mouth before my brain decides what to say. I therefore have a tendency to speak whatever is on my mind. As I read scripture, however, I cannot help but notice that while we often speak of the ability to open our mouths to speak, the ability to be silent is also important to a disciple of Christ. Sometimes, the prophets of the Lord have been commanded not to write some great thing.

Perhaps the easiest example of this is Christ, himself. When He stood before His Pharisaical accusers, He spoke not one word to defend Himself. Can you imagine what it is like, to stand silent while others rage and taunt you, knowing that your silence will lead to your death?

Because this is a divine attribute I am in dire need of developing, I don't understand it completely. One thing is becoming clear to me, that the most common time to be silent is in the face of willful ignorance. There is no point in speaking, then. Once testimony has been borne, there is nothing more to say to those who are so embroiled in their own illusion of reality, they will afford no room for another opinion.

My time spent on LDS blogs has helped me learn this balancing trait. When I first began commenting, I often thought that people presented problems online because they wanted a solution. I naively assumed that they were looking to change themselves, to understand a little more of the Gospel of Christ. I still think that many seek understanding, but there are mostly times and places online where the true goal is to find camaraderie, not solutions. At times like this, it is sometimes better to be silent.

There have also been times when I have heard silence from the Lord in answer to my pleas to Him for understanding. It is at these times when I have had to accept His silence before I could feel His presence at my side. I have come to realize that sometimes I am not ready for an answer, and that an answer would sometimes harm me more than it would help me. I find this also true with my own daughter, at times. There are just some things she has to work out on her own, and all I can do is sit beside her silently.

To take this one step further, I have found that occasionally in scripture, the Lord grants a person the ability to bind or seal in earth and in heaven. Often, this is connected to the Priesthood power, but it seems to be more than the Priesthood as we commonly understand it. The best recounting of this, and one of my favorite scriptures, is the moment the Lord declares His utter trust in Nephi, son of Helaman. The Lord says to him:

"Blessed art thou, Nephi, for those things which thou hast done; for I have beheld how thou hast with unwearyingness declared the word, which I have given unto thee, unto this people. And thou hast not feared them, and hast not sought thine own life, but hast sought my will, and to keep my commandments. And now, because thou hast done this with such unwearyingness, behold, I will bless thee forever; and I will make thee mighty in word and in deed, in faith and in works; yea, even that all things shall be done unto thee according to thy word, for thou shalt not ask that which is contrary to my will. Behold, thou art Nephi, and I am God. Behold, I declare it unto thee in the presence of mine angels, that ye shall have power over this people, and shall smite the earth with famine, and with pestilence, and destruction, according to the wickedness of this people.
Helaman 10:4-5, emphasis added

What I would not give for such a declaration of faith! This is God Himself telling Nephi that He trusts him!

And how did he obtain that trust? By seeking the will of God, by putting Him first without wearying. (And oh, how I weary!) He declared what the Lord wanted him to declare, no less . . . and no more. He knew NOT to ask as much as he knew to ask. Sometimes I wonder if the Lord could trust him because he knew when to speak and when to keep silent.

A Divine Characteristic: Vulnerability

". . . The God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying, 'How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?' And Enoch said unto the Lord, 'How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity? And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever . . . and naught but peace, justice, and truth is the habitation of thy throne; and mercy shall go before thy face and have no end; how is it thou canst weep?"
Moses 7:28-31, emphasis added

I find it humbling to know that the Lord weeps alongside us in our pain. Most of the time, when we are suffering, it is all too easy to feel utterly alone. It is easy to decide that He must not exist if He is capable of witnessing such pain, or that He must be impotent if He can stand by and do nothing, or that if He does exist, that He is not worthy of our worship.

But we are not alone.

I think one of the most powerful scriptural images for me is in the parable of the olive grove told in the Book of Mormon. In it, the Lord of the vineyard and His servant go to extraordinary lengths to try to preserve the delicious fruit of a dying tree. It seems to work for a time, then when the two return to the garden, they see that the delicious fruit is being choked out by unpleasant fruit.

"And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard wept, and said unto the servant: 'What could I have done more for my vineyard?'"
Jacob 5:41

I have had much occasion through the course of my life to feel the vibrancy of this plea for understanding. Despite doing my best, I often see my efforts come to nothing. Granted, I am not as powerful as the Lord, but I think I feel at least a small part of how and why the Lord can sorrow over us so poignantly and yet remain God.

Read carefully the answer the Lord gives Enoch. Perhaps by studying it, we can come to understand God a little better.

The Lord said unto Enoch, "Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency; And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father; but behold, they are without affection, and they hate their own blood; . . .

'Behold, I am God; Man of Holiness is my name; Man of Counsel is my name; and Endless and Eternal is my name, also. Wherefore, I can stretch forth mine hands and hold all the creations which I have made; and mine eye can pierce them also, and among all the workmanship of mine hands there has not been so great wickedness as among thy brethren. But behold, their sins shall be upon the heads of their fathers; Satan shall be their father, and misery shall be their doom; and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer? . . . . And That which I have chosen hath pled before my face. Wherefore, he suffereth for their sins; inasmuch as they will repent in the day that my Chosen shall return unto me, and until that day they shall be in torment; Wherefore, for this shall the heavens weep, yea, and all the workmanship of mine hands."
Moses 7:32-40, emphasis added

God is eternal and endless, yet he can still suffer alongside us for the pain of mortality and temporary suffering.

Why Pornography is Wrong (It's Not Really About Sex)

I have recently gone through a drastic paradigm shift that has led me to understand several gospel principles in a new way. One of these is pornography.

There is a great deal of discussion about pornography in the LDS blog world. At the risk of oversimplification, essentially the discussions involve three basic views. First, that pornography is evil because it exploits women and plays upon natural man drives. Second, that pornography in moderation is not that bad if it helps husbands and wives have a more fulfilling sex life. Third, that there is really nothing wrong with pornography because the women who are depicted choose their careers, and would do it whether or not any particular person used it.

But there is another, more insidious aspect to pornography that I believe may greatly damage the lives of anyone it touches in ways that ripple out to destroy wives, children and friends.

While I have not ever been involved in pornography, there is a certain level of it which cannot be entirely avoided in today's society, so I am minimally familiar with the concept. Generally speaking, pornography involves showing people in various states of undress, or depicting a sexual encounter through stories, but nakedness and sex are not what defines pornography. In fact, pornography can consist of people entirely modestly dressed, and often does. Sometimes an actual sexual encounter does not even need to be depicted or described. Pornography is not nakedness, it is the depiction of forbidden or unattainable sexual desires in a way that allows the viewer or reader to direct the fulfillment of those desires.

When a person views a pornographic picture or reads a pornographic story, they are in some ways putting themselves into the scene. They are able to fantasize about doing something that they cannot do in real life. Essentially all forms of pornography involve having someone else do what you want them to do.

In short, pornography is a way of finding sexual gratification that circumvents the agency of another person. It is about control, not about sex.

In normal, healthy, husband-and-wife sex, two people have to work together to find mutual pleasure and joy in physical expression. That's why it is such hard work, and why so many people struggle with it. It is not that there is anything wrong with the individuals, it is that divinely-sanctioned sex is not meant to be easy. It is not meant to be about fulfilling one's own needs, it is meant to be about seeking ways to meet a spouse's needs. When two people attempt this, there are bound to be missteps along the way. However, when this is done, husband and wife form strong bonds of love as they seek their spouse's needs before their own (very powerful) ones. Sex should be a form of charity held sacred to be performed only between husband and wife, so there can be a bond between them that no others share.

When a person seeks physical fulfillment in ways that ignore the agency of another person, they objectify and thus can manipulate a person (even if it is only in their own fantasy, and even if it is on a strictly limited basis). That person mocks one of the most important laws of God: the law of agency. They then damage their ability to find pleasure in giving, grinding grooves of habit that make it impossible for them to associate sex with selflessness.

Once a person ties their sexual pleasure to control and manipulation, other aspects of the marital relationship assume the taint of a need to control. Then that person can easily begin to see all relationships as relationships of control. When a relationship is about control, it is no longer of God.

If you look at scripture, about Satanic interaction with mankind as compared to divine interaction, you will see that relationships with God never, never violate the principle of agency: of choice and accountability. Satan almost always tempts in one of three ways: by convincing us there is no choice, by convincing us there is no consequence, or by telling us that we do not have to be accountable for what we choose, that it somehow isn't our fault.

Is pornography wrong because it exploits women? Undoubtedly. But it also exploits the viewer or reader, teaching them that joy comes only from control. In the end, that is far more damaging.

Every Mother's Prayer

Although it is a bit late to be making a Mother's Day post, I have had a song not far from my thoughts for several months, now. I find myself even dreaming it, but could not remember where it came from until I searched for it this morning. It is called "A Mother's Prayer", sung by Celine Dion in Quest for Camelot. It captures perfectly how I have been feeling, and the more I think about it, the more I see how it beautifully illustrates the divinity of Motherhood.



"I pray You'll be my eyes,
and watch her where she goes.
And help her to be wise,
help me to let go.

Every mother's prayer
every child knows:
lead her to a place,
guide her with Your grace
to a place where she'll be safe.

I pray she finds Your light,
and holds it in her heart.
As darkness falls each night,
remind her where You are.

Every mother's prayer
every child knows.
Need to find a place,
guide her with Your grace,
give her faith so she'll be safe.

Lead her to a place,
guide her with Your grace
to a place where she'll be safe."

I feel that when a woman touches this love, she touches the divinity and priestesshood within herself, the power equal to and complimenting the Priesthood in men. Bearing children helps the natural woman access this power, but it is possible to reach without actually carrying a child. (And it is possible to carry a child and never feel it.) In this, a woman forges a partnership with the Divine: unconditional love fused with the wisdom that understands true love is found in agency—in choice and accountability.

And, in letting go.

I Believe in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost

Articles of Faith #1
[I] believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

I don't remember the first time I felt God. I remember coming home from Sunbeams class (the first LDS class of religious studies, entered at 5 years old), and telling my parents what I learned at Church that day. "God loves me."

My father asked me how I knew that. The answer to my five-year-old mind was clear, "Because my teacher told me so." My dad, always pushing his children to develop their faith further, even when we were so young, said something to the effect of "That's good that you listened to your teacher, but how do you know?" He then told me I should pray to feel it myself. This I did and gained knowledge for myself that God is there and loves me, personally.

Many years and experiences later, I had to learn that lesson again. I sat across from my mission president while he asked me the question: "Sister R, do you know that God loves you? Really know it?" Even now, a lump comes to my throat thinking of that moment. At the time, I had forgotten the lesson my father had me learn when I was five. I no longer knew that God loved me, though I still knew He was there. I was fighting my way through my mission, thinking I had something to prove, that somehow I had to earn His love and approbation. It was several days before I could bring myself again to kneel and ask Him to show me how He felt about me. He did. I have never been the same since.

These experiences taught me that I had Father in Heaven and who He is as the Father of my spirit. A relationship with Christ, in a way, is and was both easier and more difficult to build. Christ follows our Father in all things. He is the Father of this earth, and the Father of salvation. He, in essence, is the Father of our third life, that life where spirit and body become inseparably connected. He has become so by obeying and following our Heavenly Father in all things. After my experiences with God the Father, knowing I could ask Him all things, I could pray about them and ask for a confirmation of their veracity in my heart.

These facts about Christ, and even a conviction of them, have not been enough to develop a personal relationship with Him. For that, I have had to pore over accounts of His dealings with past people in the Bible and other scripture. I have read accounts of His life and teachings. I have had to listen to others' accounts of His dealings. In the end, I have had to live. It is only through life—through experiencing the pain and evil of this life Eve chose for us—that I am coming to know and understand my Savior. In raising a daughter, I have learned what it means to love someone enough to do anything for them, even give life. In learning compassion for and unity with my husband, I have learned what He feels that has led Him to forgive all the pain I have inflicted on Him by my imperfection. And, in learning to forgive myself, I have learned to forgive others in humility, gratitude and deep caring for them, rather than just out of indifference.

The Spirit is an even more intimate relationship in many ways. He hears the thoughts of my heart—both ugly and beautiful. He is the one who ties me together with my spiritual siblings. All my convictions rest in his incorporeal hands. I been trained as a horse is trained, with love and firmness, to rely increasingly on His guidance. His presence is like a cozy down comforter on a cold winter day. I am deeply grateful for His guidance.

I am also grateful for the witness of Joseph Smith, who saw God the Father and Jesus Christ standing side by side. I am convinced in heart and mind that his account is honest and true. I'm glad for the surety and solidity of our doctrine on this matter. One in purpose, though separate in being, my LDS view of the Godhead is a model for how I should strive to unite with my fellow man. Like a family, each member fills its purpose to contribute to one great whole. May we, mortal children of God, and heirs to His glory, also achieve such unity. Together in God, our power is limitless.

Why Woman Should Serve Man in Marriage

I apologize for the rambling of this post. I'm expressing things as I mull over them, and so am not as articulate as I would like to be. I've observed several conversations of late and I find it unfortunate how "serve" has become a curse. It seems that many equate serving with being walked all over. I think that one of the things that we have lost in the concept of marriage (though we have gained things, as well) is the idea that marriage is for others, for the spouse and children, as well as ourselves. All too easily we are tempted to walk out of a marriage when it is not giving us what we expect or demand. Untold pain to all involved is born as a result.

Women should serve because it is part of woman's role to serve, to make her husband comfortable and loved, to ensure her children have a safe place in her. This truth does not preclude the fact, however, that men should also serve. It is their role to also provide a safe place for wife and children, to protect and love them, to cherish them, to help them feel comfortable and valued. This is not a new concept, and its reality is as elusive today under our "new concept" of a marriage of equals as it has ever been.

I do not know the future of marriage. I am not firmly convinced of who is right and who is wrong in the endless debates on the subject. My mind tells me some things, my heart tells me others. But I can see that one of the primary purposes of the family is to serve each other. Service is at the core of the priesthood as demonstrated by Christ himself, and is the essence of motherhood. I believe it is also the essence of Godhood.

Yes, women should serve men, but so should men also serve women. Her service is intertwined with his. If either breaks their covenant, there is no promise. Both must serve God and each other. I love to serve, even when that service is not accepted. I wish only that I were better at it, and not so easily beset by selfishness both within my marriage as without. Until service—even in the face of ridicule and humiliation—is accepted and performed in spite of rejection, we will never understand Christ well enough to be like Him. He submitted himself to sinners to be mocked so that He might redeem them. We cannot be as He is until we do, to the utmost of our sphere, what He did.

Faith is a Choice

I came across an interesting post the other day. Although it may sound "smug" and "uncharitable" as one commenter says, the meaning behind the post is quite true. Far too often, we try to lay the responsibility for our behavior at some other feet, whether it be nature or nurture, the actions of others, the stances of the Gospel, or raw circumstance. When we attempt to label a "cause" of our loss of faith, we rob ourselves of one of our most precious attributes: our agency.

Agency is about more than choice, it is also about responsibility. We cannot have one without the other. It is true that genetics or environment may include a host of factors we cannot control that influence our personalities and decisions, but there is always a core of something more. That is what makes us children of God. That something is the kernel of divinity within each of us.

Yes, in the end everything we do is a choice, even faith. It may not be an easy choice. It may ask us to fly for a time in the face of contradicting evidence. We may have to temporarily suspend our logic in favor of our intuition. That is why it's called a leap of faith.

While those who have decided to abandon their faith may point derisively at the naivety of those of us who, in the end, choose to believe, any who have walked for a time in the darkness and found the incredible joy and light on the other side know. You cannot find that knowledge without first acting on faith. It is not a scientific knowledge, or one that would be admissible in a court, but it is a valid knowledge, and one that brings more enlightenment than imaginable.

That is not to say that, once gained, such knowledge will never again be tested. Once a child of God has gone through a short span of darkness, another time of testing will always come up again. Each time, reliance on the Lord is deepened, faith is expanded, and pride increasingly morphs into humility. The "faith club" is not one of superiority nor one of exclusivity. All are invited, and all within are motivated by love and the Spirit to share.

The other side of doubt is beautiful. It takes faith to get there. Faith is a gift of the Spirit, but it must be desired and worked for to be received. Rather than spend all your time chasing your tail, trying to find the cause of a loss of faith, look for reasons to just believe.

Confessions of a Half-feminist

Due to my recent vacation and return, I had the pleasure of experiencing two of the "The Women of the Church" lesson, one in Connecticut and one in my home ward in Utah. I found an interesting phenomenon that proves 1) that different environments affect one object differently and 2) I am multiple personality. Allow me to illustrate.

The Connecticut lesson was taught in a relatively small room in a relatively small and brand-new ward building. The attendant Relief Society was diminished in numbers from their usual women. The president had us pull our chairs around into a circle. I felt as comfortable as I could feel chasing a toddler among strangers. Many of the attendant women were single, widowed or divorced. The president taught the lesson gently and beautifully, quoting from the book where applicable. The Spirit was the strongest I have felt at Church in a long time. Several women testified to the beauty of women's God-appointed role. I felt moved to bear testimony of the divinity of women, the divinity of servitude and the Divinity of women's calling to serve and to seem to take a second-place role. It was amazing, despite the toddler (who, blessedly, fell asleep.)

***One week later***

The Utah lesson was taught in a recently-expanded Relief Society room in a fairly large, though somewhat aged Church building. The room was packed with about 80 or 90 women. We sat in the usual rowed seats. I felt as comfortable as I could feel chasing a toddler among somewhat-disapproving mostly-strangers. Many of the attendant women were single, widowed or divorced. The teacher stood in front of the class and read from the lesson manual with a modicum of discussion. There was an uneasy feeling in the room. Several women testified to the appropriateness of women's role. Feeling an increasing unease, I felt moved to testify to the need to teach our sons the same lessons about preparation for marriage and responsibility that our daughters get. I mentioned that the Priesthood rarely get prepared, spiritual lessons (based on reports from my husband and brother.) I mentioned that boys are not taught to prepare themselves to be good husbands and fathers the way girls are taught to be good wives and mothers. I testified that, in the words of the manual, "Every [boy], and I say every [boy], should prepare [him]self for marriage and for domestic responsibilities." I am certain I offended at least two women who took their turns to emphasize that their husbands got the same lessons they got in Relief Society. Despite believing that, as in Connecticut, I was moved by the Spirit to say what I did, I left with a feeling of embarrassment and frustration.

The same lesson. The same me. The same toddler. Two vastly different experiences.

It is funny, because I know I'm labeled by the largest portion of LDS bloggers who have registered my existence as a very conservative person. Sometimes this frustrates me, too, because no one online has any idea of the things I have gone through in relation to the Church and the behavior of her people towards me. No one has any understanding of the years of soul-searching and divinely-oriented pleading I have willingly traveled through to finally reach my current level of faith and acceptance. Only my Father and I know that. For years I have longed to speak personally with someone who knows, despite knowing I will never have that chance. What I wouldn't give for a half hour with one of the Apostles, certain of the Seventy or the First Presidency. What I wouldn't give to speak with them. I wouldn't ask them questions, exactly. I'd only want to hear from a friend of Christ that I'm doing alright and I'd want to hear them speak of Him - as a friend. To testify of Him. Not in a General Conference sort of way, but in a way that is real.

Difficult Confession

As a warning to those who may not want to know about my personal life, this is going to be very personal. I have been reading The Divine Center by Stephen Covey and have come to a realization. You see, I am depressive. That is the first time I have typed that out. I've never even said it before. Always before, it has been "I have depression" or "I am depressed," if that. In reading this book, I have come to see that I am depressive because my focus is in the wrong place. As much as I've tried to center myself on God, and though I believe that once I did, I have lost that center. Now, I have realized that I center myself on others' opinions of me.

My usual pattern of depression begins with a confrontation of one kind or another. It can be a fight with my husband, or it can be as impersonal as making someone on the road angry, but it usually starts with conflict. Though I can hold my own when actually in the conflict, immediately afterwards I begin to deride myself. I begin to obsess over what I should have done to avoid the conflict. I denigrate my personal righteousness in not backing out of the conflict as soon as it presented itself (turn the other cheek). I obsess over what the other person thinks of me. I convince myself that they despise me, and that they are justified in doing so. I believe that. In my deepest self, I believe that I am a horrible person with no redeeming qualities, a failure in my eyes and the eyes of my God. I believe that more than anything anyone could tell me otherwise, even myself. Even God. I want to believe I have some worth, but I don't know how.

Realizing this, however, has left me without the knowledge of how to change it. As I type, I realize how stiff and formal I sound, but I'm crying hard enough to worry my one-year-old daughter. I am not good at these things. This only makes me think I'm a worse person, harming her by my tears.

I don't know why I'm writing this, because it isn't really fair. There is nothing anyone can do about this but me. I ask forgiveness for the writing; I believe writing is a sort of catharsis for me. Before anyone asks, no, I am not receiving any help for how I am. I have tried to get help in the past, but I can't afford it either monetarily or time-wise. Besides, I don't trust going to someone else for help for my feelings. It is my obsession with someone else's opinions that is the problem.