Privilege and a Testimony of Polygamy

In watching various people address the new publication of information by the Church on Joseph Smith and his wives, I feel similar to the way I did when watching the reaction to 9/11*. Because I'm a relatively self-centered person**, I have spent a great deal of thought analyzing my reaction to understand it. Why, in a world where so many are so shocked and appalled by the Church's admission† to the extent and nature of Joseph's sealings, am I utterly unaffected?

Of course, the reason is complicated, based on a many-layered set of experiences and ways I've processed them. But I thought I'd tease out a few things that I've not seen anyone else hash over.

Pure Religion

I have been pondering the next step in my discipleship for some time. Now that my healing is as complete as I can expect it to be in this stage of my life, I feel a tender, growing urge to be for others what the Savior and others were for me when I needed it. In studying the scriptures, it is undeniable that the purpose of every disciple of Christ is to serve His children. But I have a problem. I'm a deeply selfish, self-centered person.

The Five Selfish Virgins

"Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh."
Matthew 1

When I was a little girl, I had a bookmark like the picture above. I remember studying it for hours, along with the description on the back by the artist, Gayla Prince, during various Church meetings.

It wasn't until lately that I began to understand the parable of the ten virgins in a different way. Now I understand better the pain that both sides must have felt. Now I see that the parable is not one of five who are righteous and five who are wicked, but about ten righteous people, five of whom believed they understood and could control their circumstances. It wasn't just a matter of not being prepared, it was a matter of feeling that someone else would solve their problems for them.

I am naturally inclined to what I've come to call a "Savior complex" in that I attempt to save everyone. I want everyone to be happy and enjoy blessings. In the past, I have been willing to neglect my own salvation in favor of others, feeling that I was selfish or self-centered for not focusing on others' comfort. Yet, I have since been strongly taught by the Spirit that it is not my place to try to save others.

That place belongs to Christ and Him alone.

It is a nuanced form of pride to believe that I can stand in His place, replace His work in others' lives. I don't yet know entirely what my place is in His kingdom, but I know that "Savior" is not it. The wise virgins cannot save their companions, no matter how much they might wish to. The relationships between Christ and each of His disciples is His responsibility and the individual's.

And unfortunately, that means that those who believe in Him without being willing to do what is necessary to be with Him may not be recognized by Him when the time comes. The five who were wise were not only wise because they were prepared, they were wise because they knew they could not give others salvation.

"Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost . . . ."
Moses 4

Why Depression Strikes

Due to the new "Happy Valley" documentary-type movie coming out, there has been a wash of talk about depression and Utah Mormonism. I know that not all with depression are the same, but I've gone through bouts of dark feelings myself. I've found that depression comes from one main source: an inability to cope with the world and the feeling that there is nowhere to go for help.

In my experience, there are several possible contributing factors and several possible solutions. One contributing factor is that "depression" is a buzzword. Most people don't understand it. Depression is not being sad. Depression is being disproportionally sad in either length, depth or frequency. Unfortunately, that is a bit subjective as different people cope with things differently. In my experience, however, even when I'm sad, I can ask myself if an event or circumstance is truly causing my sorrow, or if the sorrow is coming from a more nebulous source and is crossing the boundaries of normal.

Another contributing factor is perfectionism. This is where Utah culture might come into play. When expectations are set far beyond possibility, it needs to be counterweighted with a healthy understanding of one's own humanity and mortality. The gospel emphasizes both the divinity and nothingness of mankind. Reliance on the Savior reconciles this apparent dichotomy. Unfortunately, while the divinity of mankind is easy to understand (leading to pride in the extreme), and the nothingness of man is easy to understand (leading to depression in the extreme), it is incredibly difficult to truly understand the Atonement. Therefore, many people get left in either extreme. Since pride is more obviously denounced in the scriptures, usually people are left in depression.

Sometimes in order to gain proper perspective, we need another person's viewpoint. This leads us to another major contributor: society's increasing hindrance of meaningful interpersonal bonds due to the glorification of the Self. Therefore, although the first and most obvious solution is to find help, most of us are uncomfortable with depression and don't have the necessary interpersonal bonds to listen to someone who needs us.

My experience with depression is necessarily one-sided, so I'd appreciate any thoughts on what else might contribute to depression. (I'd prefer thoughts that deal with social mores and/or paradigms, not specific institutions or groups. I plan to deal with that later.)

In my next post, I want to explore depression in order to find a few ways to become someone who can help, as well as touch on other ways to overcome depression (such as an increased understanding of the Atonement).

By the way - Happy Valley actually rests in Oregon.

Church of the Devil, Church of the Lamb

I had a wonderful insight when reading part of the Sunday School assignment this week, 1 Nephi 14. In it, Nephi takes us through a portion of the vision he had when he asked God to show him what his father saw. In verse 10 he mentions two churches: that of the Devil, referred to as a whore, and that of the Lamb of God.

I have often heard the Church of the Devil title attributed to the Catholic Church (mainly because of the mention of gold and such, and because of the size it.) I've never liked this thought. For one, there are at least thousands of pious, righteous people in the Catholic Church. For another, that line of thought leaves out a whole lot of very wicked people. Additionally, I have often heard the Church of the Lamb of God attributed to the LDS Church. After all, our numbers are small, yet they cover the whole earth. I thought that was more or less accurate.

However, in light of what has been so strongly on my mind lately, namely the damage we are doing to ourselves and to the innocent by venerating the Self, I suddenly understood a new meaning to the symbolism.

The Church of the Devil is called the whore of the whole earth. The concept of prostitution is that a person can go to fill sexual needs with no real consequence or relationship. A whore offers him/herself seemingly for nothing more than money, but the real consequences come only later in the form of disease and/or the loss of spiritual strength. Such is also true with the worship of the Self. The world tells us that WE are important, that OUR own needs have to be met. They tell us that we can buy whatever will fulfill that need, and not worry about the cost, we can pay it later. We are told there is no moral consequence for whatever we want to do, as long as it makes us happy. We are told that happiness is defined by having more, being better, smarter, richer, more powerful, more economic, more earth-friendly, more organic, more well-reasoned, more educated, more whatever. That is the church of the devil. That is the whore who sits upon the waters and reigns over all nations, kindreds, tongues and people.

Her counterpart is also significant. Never before I had thought about the meaning of the term "Church of the Lamb of God" as opposed to "Church of Christ" or "Savior" or "Messiah" or "Redeemer" or any number of other appellations. The "lamb" signifies sacrifice. It is not just any sacrifice, but a sacrifice for all people. Therefore, the Church of the Lamb of God is a church of sacrifice. This would seem to indicate that both churches cut easily across the lines of human establishment.

As such, in Nephi 14, we are shown two possible focuses for our lives, the focus on ourselves and our own needs and the focus on others, perhaps to sacrifice ourselves for them. Before anyone gets huffy, I do want to point out that there is moderation in all things. He who conserves his sacrificial energy lives to sacrifice another day. The point is not to run yourself to the ground, but to focus your thoughts and priorities on serving God's children.

You never know. If we all start focusing on others, we just might find our needs are met in the process better than we could ever have done on our own.

Just Another Mother's Day?

This is my very first Mother's Day as a mother. It feels odd to me. It seems to me that Mother's Day has at least as much angst associated with it as Valentine's Day. Much like Valentine's Day, however, my only beef with Mother's Day is the profuse amount of pink.

I don't like pink.

But otherwise, I've never had the relationship/status-envy that these holidays seem to generate. I never stood up for a gift before I was a mother (I didn't this year, either, but they found me anyways.) I never felt all of this social guilt or disappointment.

My question is why-oh-why do people use holidays as guiltfests, rather than just relaxing and honoring whatever the holiday is there to honor? Does it always have to be personal? What is wrong with focusing on honoring your mother, rather than focusing on yourself? Even if your mother was a venomous harridan, you should be able to at least honor the idea of motherhood.

I love the quote: There are billions of planets orbiting around billions of suns in billions of solar systems orbiting in billions of galaxies, all orbiting around the center of the universe.

That center . . . is not you.