Not Belief: I Know It

I do not remember the first time I knew that God was real. It seems to me that knowing Him is something I've come to over a life of fighting to reach out to Him, an infinite series of small miracles and preponderance of evidence. I know He has spoken to me, typically, through thoughts and feelings, sometimes through the actions of others, sometimes in still and mighty words.

Debate over the authenticity of the Book of Mormon has been rampant since before it was even removed from the stone-covered box in the side of a hill. I've read and heard it all, how it "cannot be true" because of ABC, and how it "cannot be explained as a lie" because of XYZ.

Despite many people saying "no one can know," I assert that their declarations are useless, for under their definition, no one knows anything. I know that it is true because after extensive testing, after seeking knowledge and pitting that knowledge against the hard rock of experience, I have heard the "song of redeeming love," and tasted God's power.

Elder James A. Cullimore spoke about "The Importance of a Personal Testimony" in each of our lives. One quote caught my attention more than any other.

"The Twelve Apostles are special witnesses of the Savior. I don’t know how many of them have actually seen a personage. They don’t talk about it. But they don’t have to, to receive their special witness that can come by the Holy Ghost."

Growing in Unbelief

I have a family member who seems to be in the process of leaving the Church (maybe already left.) And as most of you who read this blog know, I used to participate quite a bit in online intellectual discussions about the gospel and about the Church. I still comment here and there, but I don't participate the way I did. Mostly because I've heard, studied, and pondered most of the things discussed and come to form understanding or opinions about them already. Not being naturally inclined to nonproductive confrontation, I've lost interest in fighting about the things I believe with people. With that in mind, I use a very light hand with this person.

Increasingly, it just feels unwise to defend the Church much beyond bearing testimony. I have learned so much by the hardships of my life, and the emotional and spiritual struggles I have survived. It's like I have this deep, lasting fire inside my heart. I sometimes just want to shake people and say, "can't you see?!" "Can't you feel how much God loves you?" "Can't you open your heart to truth?!" But I don't, of course. And because the passion burns so bright and hot in me, I often hold my tongue. Not because I'm afraid of what will happen to me, but because I'm afraid that by opening my mouth, I'll do more harm to their search for truth than good. Though I so badly want to help.

The Fifth Day: The Book of Mormon

"On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
five golden rings."

I don’t often bear testimony of the Book of Mormon because we members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints often bear testimony of little else. But I am so thankful for the Book of Mormon. There is no end to the stories I could tell about how the words and meanings in that book have supported me.

I love the Bible, and the Doctrine and Covenants. But there is something about the Book of Mormon and the stories of the people that lived then which calls to me. They seem more personal, somehow. Often, the Bible seems to moralize, every story has a purpose. Even the D&C often has a specific point to each revelation. But the Book of Mormon is about life, about the principles of the gospel in the rough and stark lives of the people.

I Believe in Missionary Work

Articles of Faith #11
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

This may seem like a strange title for this Article of Faith. It seems to be saying, "Eh, you do what you do, and I'll do what I do, and no worries!" which is seemingly in direct contradiction to the idea of missionary work, which is to preach one's beliefs to others. The more I've pondered it, however, the more my mind kept being drawn back to missionary work.

I see missionary work differently than many, I suspect. I have seen missionary work addressed in two main strains: either the gung-ho, sling-the-Books-of-Mormon style (which has its place) or the member-example style (which also has its place). My purpose is not to belittle either, as I believe both can be effective in the right circumstances, but to explore a somewhat different approach.

On my mission, I was a bit of a proselytizer for a rather odd style of missionary work, in a time when we were being taught lesson memorization, sales tactics and literal foot-in-the-door techniques in Zone Conference. I had to memorize the first discussion, word-for-word, in German in order to be considered a "real missionary". It was expected that the other discussions would also be memorized. The more I thought of it, the more I struggled with the idea of teaching through memorization. I was not an expert in the language, despite previous German experience, but I still felt that missionary work should come from the heart and not the tongue. I felt that the words would take care of themselves, so long as a missionary did his/her best to study and learn the language. I also felt that sales tactics such as preparing a door approach, focusing on the "free book", or handing out pamphlets, tended to diminish the work, not enhance it. However effective sales tactics might be in the right hands for getting baptisms, and despite being taught such tactics nearly every district and zone meeting, I felt that baptisms were not the purpose of missionary work. The purpose was to bring people closer to God, to give them a chance to feel the Spirit, and let the Spirit teach them what God wanted them to know. If that ended in baptism and eventual exaltation, excellent! If not, then at least we had done what we could to bring the Spirit into someone's life and give them the chance to choose for themselves.

A book that strongly influenced this take on missionary work was Teaching by the Spirit by Gene R. Cook. Ironically, this book was given to me in the first two months of my mission by my mission president. It confused me at the time that the meetings were always so sales-oriented, that my outlook was so dramatically different, and yet the mission president never corrected me, never spoke against my outspoken rebuttals of what was being taught and actually had me speak on more than one occasion. Now I think I understand a little better, and I think the reason is held in this Article of Faith.

Sales tactic missionary work can help people who would otherwise do nothing out of fear or laziness. However, this style must eventually be softened by an understanding of agency and choice. A person cannot be allowed to worship "according to the dictates of their own conscience" if they are never taught their choices, if their conscience is never given a chance to dictate. If a person labors under misconceptions or ignorance, they cannot choose for themselves.

Nor do I believe that we will be held accountable for someone not hearing the gospel. We should not be motivated to engage in missionary work out of fear of punishment. We should engage out of love. If we really believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ as revealed to Joseph Smith, really believe and understand it, we will want to share it because it is so amazing and healing. Then, not only will we be able to respond with love and patience when our gift is rejected (allowing all men the privilege to worship how they choose), we will be focused on actually offering a real gift to a real person in a way they will most likely be able to accept it.

That "way" will differ as widely as people will differ, and cannot be taught in a classroom. It is entirely directed by the Spirit, by One who knows the other person, their concerns and their heart. Therefore, the "tactics" which should be focused on are dedicated discipleship, purifying oneself to receive the Spirit, and prayerfully gaining knowledge so the Spirit has plenty of tools to utilize. When we are in tune with the Spirit, we will be given what to say and do. And, when and if the person chooses to reject the Spirit, they will be rejecting God, not us. We as messengers will be free to sorrow for their choices, but not to feel afraid or angry. We will be free to allow them their choice.

If we fail to follow this Article when we share the Gospel, we do not understand missionary work. We do not understand the meaning of the Book we are handing over, nor the principles we claim to share.

So yes, share the message in true love and consideration and then let go. We allow all to worship as they will (barring harm to the innocent), and we allow it by sharing what is in our hearts, by demonstrating love and conviction, and most of all by following the guidance of the Spirit and allowing Him to tell us what to do. Sometimes that may be handing over a book. Sometimes it may be mowing a lawn, or being a good example. Sometimes it may be something never dreamed of before.

Temple Questions

There is a very interesting conversation over at Zelophehad's Daughters which I found worth linking here, in light of having no feelings towards posting something of my own.

I Believe in the Holy Scriptures

Articles of Faith #8
[I] believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; [I] also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God.

I remember one of the first personal spiritual experiences I had with the Book of Mormon. I went to my mom with a question, and she told me to search the scriptures for an answer. I vividly remember going to my room, praying for an answer, and then just opening and reading. I don't now remember the question, but I remember it was answered. I could not have been more than seven or eight years old.

My most memorable experience with the Bible came years later. I was a teenager taking seminary and resolved to read the entirety of the Bible. It took me two years, but I did it. I even read the "begats" and Isaiah. In fact, Isaiah has become one of my favorite books of scripture. There is so much to be learned in his poetry. I prayed to know if the Bible was the word of God, as I did with the Book of Mormon, and received a similar witness.

There are many who rail against the Book of Mormon and its origins, and many who doubt the historicity of the Bible and the Book of Mormon. Few other books have been picked apart and analyzed the way these two books of scripture have been. I know that these books are here by the power of God. I don't know this because I have verified their historicity, or even just because I have prayed for a confirmation of their spiritual truths, but because I have put it to the test. If I could describe all the times scripture has blessed me and aided me, there would not be a book large enough to contain it.

To me, they are true in a way that has nothing to do with their historicity. History is useful to put things into perspective, but it is largely irrelevant to the purpose of either book. They are true, not because they are free from bias or perspective, not because they document the lives of people long gone, but because they document my life. Every time I have struggled, every incandescent moment I have experienced in the Spirit, is echoed somewhere in those books. Whenever I am enlightened, it is either in conjunction with scripture study or confirmed by it. Nearly every time I am calmed by the Spirit, it is done using the words of the prophets in these books.

I believe every mystery of God can be found in studying the written and current prophetically-spoken scriptures. Other material may try to clarify, others may try to speculate or enhance the words of God, but nothing I have read or heard has said it more succinctly, more beautifully and more accurately than said in ancient and living scripture.

If you have any question, any trouble weighing on your heart, take it to the scriptures. The words of Christ—the words of the prophets—will heal you.

Voting for the Kingmen

In reading the latest Gospel Doctrine lessons, I feel that I better understand how to vote and how to discern what to vote for. I think that many LDS members would vote differently, if they shone the light of the "war chapters" in Alma on current matters. Some interesting contrasts and parallels are drawn between the "good guys" (the freemen) and the "bad guys" (the kingmen) in these chapters.

Kingmen:	Freemen:	Common:
Change the law to support a king	Maintain a government which protects religious freedoms	Both believe they are maintaining the right to govern
Refuse to defend country	Willing to defend country, but take no pleasure in it	Both profess to desire peace
Seek for power and authority	Enforce defense of country only when granted by the voice of the people.	Willing to take up arms to fight for what they wanted
Contentious, proud, stubborn	Courageous, sober, kept commandments of God	Both believe they are in the right

These points are found from Alma 51 through the end of the book of Alma. There are other comparisons, but these are the thrust of my thoughts at the moment. I think when we look at who or what to vote for, we should keep these things in mind. Particularly, I find Ammoron's epistle in Alma 54 intriguing. He takes a stand of disingenuous innocence, claiming to be only defending his rights. Yet Moroni, knowing Ammoron, knows that he is not really in it to defend his rights, but to attack the Nephites in a bid for power. I feel there are political conflicts today where some may claim innocence, claim that they are only seeking for their own rights. Although some of those down the line may truly believe in the righteousness of their stance, those who began it and are heading it are fully cognizant of their fraud. They know they only desire power at the cost of the rights of others. It is up to us to pray for discernment: to see the cause which is defended by those truly defending those rights, liberties and freedoms which lead to eternal happiness and to God.

Pessimistic as I am, I believe there are few real defenders of righteousness in politics today. I have had the opportunity to speak face-to-face with a few who do. I wish more political candidates would take the time to cease posturing in front of the masses, and sit down in smaller groups to speak as frankly and honestly as they can. Some of those few I have spoken to have my voting loyalty, because I feel they will do their best to fight for the right causes when I cannot even know those causes are on the table, no matter what color party shirt they happen to wear.

A Rant Against Judicial Fashion Sense

There are few things that have infuriated me as much as what I have heard about the California judicial system's high-handed attempt to justify legalization of gay marriage while blocking the logical follow-through of legal consensual adult polygamous marriage. How can they possibly dupe themselves into believing that such an arbitrary line is just and impartial? Like the old correlation of homosexuality and child molestation, I especially "love" how they lumped it in with incest, as if the two are at all the same kettle of fish. I think it's a big kettle of rosy red herring.

The only explanation I can think for the calumny is that being pro-gay is in vogue, but pro-polygamy is not. I'm not looking to add a wife to my husband's family, but this whole situation is so utterly illogical I'm completely floored and disgusted.

Perhaps the warnings from God through the Church against danger of gay marriage legalization is only partially about gay marriage itself and even more insidiously about the corruption of the government. As the judicial system overthrows majority vote and lose whatever pretense of impartiality they had, I can see some very bad things coming down the sump pipe in the not-so-far future.

So, fire up the rainbow flag and drape it across your sequined dress and pumps because that is Politically Correct, but prepare to be burned at the stake covered in verbal waste if you show the least bit of sympathy towards something less trendy.

How to Find Insult in General Conference

I thought this would be a timely piece of advice. Prepare now for best effect.

1) Pick an agenda. The more one-sided reasoning the agenda has, the better. It doesn't matter what that agenda is, so long as its properly opinionated and preferably set in the "against" terminology rather than "for". Some easy topics to choose if you can't find one of your own include: the Oppressed State of Women in the Church, Obedience, Utah Culture, Heavenly Mother, Excommunication, Gay Marriage, Eating Meat, Protecting Children from Worldy Influence and Sister Beck.

2) Listen to every session of Conference, including Women's Conference. If you can't attend a session for whatever reason, be certain to read or watch it online as soon as possible. Watching is better. Body language is rife with opportunity for misinterpretation. If you miss a session, you may miss a Golden Opportunity for insult. Then you will have to wait until someone else is insulted by it. Frankly, it's embarrassing to be insulted second-handedly.

3) Take notes. Even though the entire talk is available online later, it is important to record your very first impressions. Usually these are more emotionally charged and therefore more articulate. Passion is paramount when finding insult. A little logic in favor of passion is a worthwhile sacrifice. Make sure to write a few catch words in the margins of your notes. These will help you listen for further opportunities of insult without actually having to pay attention. Try to keep your catch words to three or under. You don't want to diminish the impact of your insult by diluting it across too many fronts.

4) Blog about it. Do not overlook this essential step! The sooner you get your opinion on cyberpaper, the better. If you are fast enough, you will be the first one to take umbrage. Hopefully, this will add to site traffic. Make sure to title your entry with something catchy. Don't stint on punctuation. Exclamation points and question marks are vital when trying to express your high passion through the digital word. The more you blog, the more likely it is someone in the higher Church echelons will notice you and see the error of their uninformed ways.

5) Don't backpedal. Whatever happens it is important to keep a united front. Defend those who agree with you with unmitigated vitriol, particularly if they use plenty of punctuation. They will be useful allies in future bloggerary skirmishes.

Why a Different Answer?

It is a strange set of circumstances that surrounds the question "Is the Book of Mormon true?" As missionaries, we teach the process to receiving a testimony, namely 1) Gather information (specifically to read the Book of Mormon), 2) Prepare yourself to receive the Spirit into your heart by doing all you can to keep the Lord's commandments and 3) Pray to God the Father in the name of Jesus Christ if the things you have read and done are true and of Him. Many members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have done these things and received an answer from the Lord through the Spirit that the Church is true, that the Book of Mormon is of God, that Joseph Smith is His prophet and that those who have been so called in the history of the Church are also His prophets. Some have received this answer so unequivocally that they find it difficult to understand how another person could do the same things and receive a different answer. In their minds, they know it to be true. Therefore, if someone else does not know it to be true, they haven't applied themselves to finding an answer diligently enough to receive it. The reality behind the surface, I suspect, is much more complicated. There could be any number of reasons why one seeking to know the truth may not receive it, only one of which is that they are not trying hard enough. I'd like to hypothesize a few of these.

The Lord is giving an answer, but the person doesn't know how to recognize it. This is a common one. This is one thing the missionaries are to do: to help people feel and recognize the Spirit. Many people, having heard stories of miraculous conversions, are seeking a wham-bam testimony slap. In the economy of heaven, this is rare. It is important for a seeker of truth to train oneself to the soft whisperings of the Spirit, rather than expecting pyrotechnics. This is not to say divine pyrotechnics are impossible, only that they come after a person has already demonstrated patience and subtlety in listening for the Spirit.

The Gospel is hard. The Lord may refrain from giving an answer to one seeking it because they are not truly ready to receive it. Once the path of discipleship is commenced, it quickly becomes apparent that it is not a stroll through the park. Additionally, a person may also decide for themselves that the path of discipleship is too hard for them. Often they can't admit this to themselves, preferring to believe that they have found no answer or even a negative one. I know of at least one person who has commenced on the path of discipleship, only to be intimidated by the difficulty of it. For some reason, we expect that if we are doing the right thing, it should be easy or at least easier. Though it is an important starting point, the gospel requires more than that initial desire to believe. It also requires dedication. One must be prepared to give all that they have, all that they are to His kingdom. There is no room for lukewarm dedication in the battle for the allegiance of men's souls.

Along a similar note, it is possible that those who are consciously seeking an answer are subconsciously afraid of it. After all, if they know the truth, they will be expected to act on it. It will require Changing their lives in ways they may not be prepared for. They will have to learn self-control. They will have to learn to stand for what they believe in the face of opposition. It takes a lot of courage to decide to stop swimming with the river and to go against it. Some will lose friends and even family members to their decision.

Finally, it is possible that the Lord refrains giving an answer for purposes of His own. He knows the hearts and actions of all men. Who is to say that by giving His answer ten years from now rather than now, that more people will not be blessed by it? Sometimes, a seeker of knowledge may have more to learn before they embark on the path of discipleship. We just don't know. What we do know is that the Lord has promised that all those who work for Him will receive Him. Those who seek will find, but it may not be according to our plans and timetables.

New Servants Called

Welcome to our new presidency, Presidents Monson, Eyring and Uchtdorf. I am glad to see these representatives of the Lord in a place where He wishes them to serve.