The Pride of My Heart: Doing it Myself

And so great were their afflictions that every soul had cause to mourn; and they believed that it was the judgments of God sent upon them because of their wickedness and their abominations; therefore they were awakened to a remembrance of their duty. —Alma 4

There are so many things about recovering from a divorce you once swore you would never allow to happen, and subsequently coparenting with someone who likely has serious mental issues that gives a person "cause to mourn." I have been mourning the loss of my marriage and the loss of peace and freedom for years now. Until recently, I haven't been able to truly look at the cause of my afflictions and (hopefully) see them for what they are.

Pride of Faith

Last night during a long drive home, a girl told me that she was thinking of leaving the Church because of how women are treated. And she is right. In many ways, women are afterthoughts at best. Especially among the midsingle men of the Church, women are a mystery who don't perform according to plan, a challenge to surmount, a problem to solve. Whether it is the men who are baffled by women and want to learn the rules so they can push all the right buttons to get what they want, or the ones who think they know the right buttons to push boundaries as far as they can, we women are objectified. Benignly and not-so-benignly.

I supported one of the teenagers in my Sunday School class in teaching a lesson on how we can teach of the importance of marriage and family. It is not an easy lesson for me, so I was mightily glad he chose it. But as I studied, I realized how strongly I feel about the importance of marriage between a man and a woman, in part BECAUSE my husband did not, as my daughter phrased it "treat me well."

When I asked the teens why marriage is important, their first answer was "to make it to the celestial kingdom." And that isn't wrong, exactly. But it's not the important part of the answer, either. "Making it" to the celestial kingdom by checking items off your list, a wife only being one item of many, is nothing but an illusion. A lie...or, at least, an embarrassingly dramatic oversimplification.

Arguments Against Female Ordination That Don't Work

I do not consider myself a feminist, though I have several opinions and feelings that some feminists share. Like many political topics (and make no mistake, the action taken to ordain women is inarguably political no matter how some might wish to convince otherwise,) I have a foot in both camps. I have felt (and am currently struggling with) the sting of unrighteous dominion, of the priesthood privilege being wielded to put me firmly in my place.

But there are many arguments against female ordination being lauded by people who, quite frankly, ought to know better. Mostly in the interest of working some of it out for myself, I'm going to gnaw on them a bit.

The "Delicate Sensibilities" of the Spirit?

I have been taught in Church that if I found myself in certain places, the Spirit would flee. I have lately heard a refutation to that concept, that the Spirit is strong enough to witness evil, and is therefore strong enough to stick around even if you find yourself in a place not conducive to His presence. This argument is often used to mock those who choose not to go certain places or engage certain types of entertainment.

And it does have a point. The Spirit is pretty tough. God sees ALL the depravity of the world. We have reason to believe that the God of heaven occasionally weeps over the sorrows and sins of man. But He can handle it. And if God can handle it, so can the Spirit.

But that misses the point.

The Five Selfish Virgins

"Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom. And five of them were wise, and five were foolish. They that were foolish took their lamps, and took no oil with them: But the wise took oil in their vessels with their lamps. While the bridegroom tarried, they all slumbered and slept.

And at midnight there was a cry made, Behold, the bridegroom cometh; go ye out to meet him. Then all those virgins arose, and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said unto the wise, Give us of your oil; for our lamps are gone out. But the wise answered, saying, Not so; lest there be not enough for us and you: but go ye rather to them that sell, and buy for yourselves. And while they went to buy, the bridegroom came; and they that were ready went in with him to the marriage: and the door was shut.

Afterward came also the other virgins, saying, Lord, Lord, open to us. But he answered and said, Verily I say unto you, I know you not. Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh."
Matthew 1

When I was a little girl, I had a bookmark like the picture above. I remember studying it for hours, along with the description on the back by the artist, Gayla Prince, during various Church meetings.

It wasn't until lately that I began to understand the parable of the ten virgins in a different way. Now I understand better the pain that both sides must have felt. Now I see that the parable is not one of five who are righteous and five who are wicked, but about ten righteous people, five of whom believed they understood and could control their circumstances. It wasn't just a matter of not being prepared, it was a matter of feeling that someone else would solve their problems for them.

I am naturally inclined to what I've come to call a "Savior complex" in that I attempt to save everyone. I want everyone to be happy and enjoy blessings. In the past, I have been willing to neglect my own salvation in favor of others, feeling that I was selfish or self-centered for not focusing on others' comfort. Yet, I have since been strongly taught by the Spirit that it is not my place to try to save others.

That place belongs to Christ and Him alone.

It is a nuanced form of pride to believe that I can stand in His place, replace His work in others' lives. I don't yet know entirely what my place is in His kingdom, but I know that "Savior" is not it. The wise virgins cannot save their companions, no matter how much they might wish to. The relationships between Christ and each of His disciples is His responsibility and the individual's.

And unfortunately, that means that those who believe in Him without being willing to do what is necessary to be with Him may not be recognized by Him when the time comes. The five who were wise were not only wise because they were prepared, they were wise because they knew they could not give others salvation.

"Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost . . . ."
Moses 4

If Only the Church Would Change

It seems that many people, both members and not, believe the LDS Church should change in order to fit some agenda they have. Whether it is admitting fault in the pre-1978 Priesthood Ban, spending more time with apologetics, changing the wording of temple covenants or giving women the priesthood, there is a long, tired list of changes people believe they should make. The prevailing thought seems to be that if only the Brethren who are called to run the Church understood or were wise/smart/savvy/up-to-date/enlightened/etc. enough, the Church would be different and better. Sometimes it feels like one of those mix-and-match books where you can choose the issue and a deprecating adjective to make a new complaint.

At any rate, I was thinking about this and trying to figure out the root of the problem. I don't think the problem is really the priesthood, the patriarchy, or any of the things people like to complain about. I think the problem goes much deeper. Even were the prophet to snap his fingers and change everything tomorrow, there would still be something for such people to complain about. If homosexuality was accepted, it would be transgender. If women were given the priesthood, it would be that they don't have enough roles in it. A solution cannot be found by the Brethren conforming to popular opinion.

Furthermore, most of these things don't bother me, at least not to the degree they bother some. I wasn't really sure why this is. Some of them used to bother me much more than they do now, but although I never really tried to change my feelings on the issues, my feelings changed on their own. What was the difference?

As I thought about these things this morning, I felt that the root cause of much of these problems is a lack of true faith in God. (Let me establish, I'm making no judgment on individuals with issues, nor am I trying to disparage those issues, I'm just trying to examine the problem in general.) I don't mean a lack of belief that He exists, but a lack of true faith.

I have learned a lot about faith lately. It isn't about believing, it is about trusting. It is about taking that step into the chasm, even though you can't see the bridge under your feet. It is about falling into the chasm and being okay with that, because you know who you are and who God is. It's about standing in front of a furnace hot enough to boil bone and saying, "I know that God can save me, but if He does not, still I will follow Him." It is about saying "I am hurt that women don't have the priesthood. I hope that some day they will have the chance to lead in the Church the way men do, but even if they are eternally less than men in this way, still I will follow God. Still will I submit to His will as now understood through His prophets. Still will I obey." It is about saying "I think the Church was wrong to withhold the priesthood from blacks in the past. But I may be wrong. Either way, my opinion is not important, and my needs are in the hands of my Redeemer to do with as He will."

It is about taking your pain and letting it go.

A lady I know wanted more than anything to have an eternal family. She gave up her dream career, much of her pride and comfort for this dream. All of her effort went into attaining this goal. While pregnant with her fifth child, her husband, well regarded in the church, had an affair. After the baby's birth, he divorced her and moved his new girlfriend into the house they had lived in. Her dream was shattered. And yet, with her righteous desires lying crumbled around her feet, with five children to raise on her own and no hope of ever marrying again, she let go of that dream, turned it over to the Father's hands and simply served her children and the other children of God. I don't know if she is happy, or if she will ever gain her dream in this life. There is no solid doctrine promising her an eternal marriage after her death. But, she has done her best to follow the will of the Lord, and she trusts Him to take care of her needs.

"And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: and yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

Therefore take no thought, saying, "What shall we eat?" or, "What shall we drink?" or, "Wherewithal shall we be clothed?" [Or "How will I be healed?" or "When will I be equal?"] . . . . For your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."

I am not free from this problem. Because of my recent life challenges, I have wasted too much time wishing things would change to conform to my dreams and thoughts of how things should be. I have "labored much in the Spirit" that I would be able to accept the dissolution of my righteous desires, and learn to let go of my needs and learn true charity for others. I am no different from those who long for the Church to conform to their desires. But I think perhaps the reason neither my life nor the Church will change to fit opinion, or do many of the things wanted of them is because God's people must be a people of faith. If everything in the Church (or my life) was perfect, there would be no reason for faith. And if the Brethren were smart/savvy/inspired/etc. enough to do what was wanted of them, there would be no room for humility and patience . . . or for charity.

Priestcraft and the Modern Mormon, Part I

A combination of reading and thinking this week has led me to a sobering train of thought. The book of Alma in the Book of Mormon introduces a man named Nehor. Nehor sets in motion a movement that proves the ultimate destruction of the people of Nephi. Despite his eventual ignominious demise, the organization inspired by Nehor's teachings introduces priestcraft and secret combinations to the people. Nehor is an antichrist. I've read the story dozens of times, but I've never before applied it to my current life this way, nor have I really thought about what an antichrist is.

First, hallmarks of Nehor's teachings.

1. Nehor taught things he claimed (believed?) were from God.


2. Nehor taught against the established Church.


3. Nehor wanted teachers of the gospel to be supported by the people, and essentially voted into place.


4. Nehor said that all men would be saved, and that all men ought to rejoice because all had been redeemed.

It amazed me how many of Nehor's teachings and behavior are in alignment with modern thought. Despite the desires of those who follow current society's pressure to seem tolerant and modern, their mode of thinking is anything but new. We would like to think that we are tolerant of other people and their beliefs, but the Internet and media discourse are rife with examples of "I'm tolerant unless you think this way." Nehor used the freedom to preach according to belief to gain money and prestige, but he did not allow Gideon the same freedom to do so without money or price.

Nehor also taught against the established Church doctrines. While it is obviously not definitive of antichrist status, teaching against the established Church, especially in certain political climates, is something that bears looking into. In order to determine whether preaching against the established church is indicative of antichristianity, one must examine the motivations. Such motivations are extremely difficult to judge objectively in another person, since (as stated before) the person in question often claims to be preaching according to belief. However, although such judgment isn't objective, it is rather easily determined subjectively by a person's nonverbal behavior. If they are enjoying the attention or popularity, it is priestcraft. A person preaching God's words honestly is largely unconcerned with others' reception of it. They will preach earnestly and entreatingly, rather than with an self-serving personal agenda. They will be shining God's light to the world, rather than their own.

Also, Nehor believed in grassroots change. He taught that the people should determine who should teach. Much like many people today, he thought that the people would be best able to direct the direction of the Church. He thought that those who teach should be paid. I find it interesting how many times I have heard people claim that the LDS Church should switch to paid clergy because the quality of teaching improves.

Nehor also preached that, in the end, all will be saved. This is an enticing teaching that we humans have difficulty releasing. I've heard an increasing number of modern LDS members proffer the opinion that all will be well in the end. They say, for example, that even if a family member does not accept the gospel in this life, despite all opportunity, they will still be able to all live together because the gospel teaches that families are eternal. Essentially, this means that what we do here has no value, so long as we more or less try to be good people. This is one of the most insidious of the Adversary's ideas because deep down, we all want the happy ending and deep down, we have all defined what a happy ending is. We forget that even those who are wicked on this earth will have some level of happiness. We forget that the Church teaches that families can be together forever, not will be. Only those who meet the complete laws of mercy and justice can become as the Father, but everyone else will be happy where they are, too.

Second, Nehor's actions:

1. Nehor began to wear expensive clothing.


2. Nehor gathered followers and established his own church.


3. Nehor fought and contended with those who taught the Church's doctrines.


4. Nehor became violent during one of these contentions.

I won't spend as much time on these, as they are self-explanatory for the most part. Suffice it to say that there are those who, excommunicated or disaffected from the Church, continue to teach things they claim to believe and who do all they can to gather supporters. Although I don't think physical violence and expensive clothing are prerequisites to being antichrist, they are certain indicators that their "beliefs" are hollow. I think we "modern" humans tend to believe that if the most extreme of indicators are not present, there is no problem. On the contrary, one does not have to apply with the government to establish a church, nor does one have to buy Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses or gas-guzzling Ford F-350's to fulfill the spirit of "expensive clothing".

Next post, I'll discuss how Nehor's teachings and behavior affected both his followers and church members.

Highly Suggested Reading

Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, 1994. I stumbled on this while researching priestcraft. It is an utterly amazing talk, given almost a decade and a half ago. Read it! I think everyone can find something useful to them in it.
Why We Serve also by Elder Oaks, 1984. This one also holds a magnifying glass to our motives. Well worth a read.

Pain of Progression

In a fairly recent thread at FMH, a long discussion ensued about the temple ordinances separating family members from each other. I'm not really sure why I feel as hurt as I do over the issue. I guess I still cling to a romantic idea that somehow hard choices will be honored. Let me try to clarify what I mean (though it is far from clear in my mind.)

I think that society is leaning towards an attitude that acceptance is virtue. I disagree with this in a sense. Although it is important to love and accept people, the same is not true of ideas. You have a choice. Either you accept all ideas, and end up as a relativist (all things are true, depending on who you are,) or you draw a line somewhere, saying this is true and that is not. I hurt when I think of relativistic philosophies, because I feel that it is an adversarial plan to mask sin with intelligence. Intelligence is good, so if the adversary can draw a veil of sophistry over error, it can appear good to the casual glance. Society has become such that if you do not agree with everyone's opinion, you are close-minded. Therefore, those who call themselves open-minded can be automatically superior. They build walls around their sanctuary of "everyone is right," and anyone who disagrees is ignorant. Thus, they can feel safe in their self-defined superior opinions, and ignore anyone they choose to ignore without feeling the need for further self-examination. The irony is that they are not truly open-minded, they are only open-minded to predefined ideas. They are indulging in a subtle form of pride that allows them to mistake self-satisfaction and comfort for happiness.

Unfortunately, this is a plan of the adversary, and lulls people into accepting themselves for who they are, rather than for who they can become. They no longer feel any need to improve or change, and they are caught in the great and spacious building, pointing fingers at the unfortunates still clinging to the rod of iron below them.

There is a delicate balance for the faithful to walk. Those who have worked and prayed, and painfully changed see things differently than they did. They understand that questions are okay, that people are not evil for questioning authority. They can also testify to the efficacy of searching. Because I have prayed, pondered and studied, I can vouch that those things have changed me. I can testify that God has guided me to peace. Unfortunately, that is all I can do. In this sense, I find myself with hard-earned oil that I cannot share. The oil only works for me. The five wise virgins were not selfish with their oil, they simply had no way to share it. All they could tell the foolish is that if they went to the market themselves, they would find those who sell, and they could buy for themselves. This brings me to my second heartache.

No matter what the wise say, they foolish will see them as hard-hearted, selfish and prideful. "How could they not share?" they ask, "They have plenty." It is easy to see how the five foolish must have felt, alone and cold outside of the bridegroom's door. How their hearts must have ached! How they must have wept bitter tears of regret. What is often overlooked are the feelings the wise must have felt. They were wise and kind, they must have longed to share their oil with the foolish. After entering the chamber, they must have missed their friends, and wondered if they were alright, outside the door. It could not have been any easier for them than it was for the foolish. It could not have been easy for the bridegroom - he who had invited ten, to have only half show up to the feast. How it must have felt to him, to know that his feast wasn't important enough to the five for them to have properly prepared.

Unlike this parable, however, it is not possible for the bridegroom to simply open the door. Certain requirements were set to attend the feast. Those who did not meet the requirements cannot have the same reward as those who did, can they?

It is hard for me to see people ask for the blessings of the Lord when they do not do the laws that are set forth to earn those blessings. It is especially hard, because I have made the heart-wrenching, uncomfortable, painful choice to risk everything of value to me for this one thing. Do they think it is easy for me to contemplate losing my marriage or my child for discipleship? Do they think I thoughtlessly dedicated every day of my life to nothing more than a promise of something better? Why do they think I would do such a thing?

Apparently, to some, it is so I can hurt people. That is the perceived motivation for my actions, and that breaks my heart. It would seem that the foolish who ask for oil are the same who mocked the wise for buying the oil early.

Of course, this doesn't account for those who have truly searched and not yet found.

So of the three states: foolish, wise, and searching but not yet wise, I feel that I am all three. There are some things I have procrastinated. There are some answers I have not yet received. But the things which the Lord has shown me, the feelings that I have had in the past, I have used as oil to see me through the dark times of searching. Even when it feels my oil has run out, and I cannot see, I know that the Lord once provided oil, and that He won't let me fail.

Faith is not to step into a darkened room with a single burning lamp. Faith is to keep walking when you have nothing but the memory of light. Faith is trusting the Savior to catch you when you fall.

Faith is knowing that the opinions of others in no way diminish what I have felt and what I know.