A Friend to Hate

There is a meme that gains in popularity daily. It teaches that judgment, pain, and discomfort are bad. Tolerance, permissiveness, and acceptance are good. If we love someone, it says, we should never judge them. We should never hurt them. We should never make them uncomfortable or make them question what makes them happy. Tolerating their differences is required, celebrating them is ideal. Allowing people to do whatever makes them happy is the key to happiness. Accepting who they are will bring the most joy.

And it is all a lie.

"Acts of a friend should result in self-improvement, better attitudes, self-reliance, comfort, consolation, self-respect, and better welfare. Certainly the word friend is misused if it is identified with a person who contributes to our delinquency, misery, and heartaches. "—Marvin J. Ashton

I am in the middle of what could probably be termed the Long Chastening of my life. I have felt pain beyond what I thought I could bear. I feel separated from God, judged for my choices and found wanting. Yet all my pain and sorrow and feeling judged is nothing compared to what the Savior felt in the Garden of Gethsemane, as He suffered inexplicable pain to atone for the world while his closest friends fell asleep.

How the Internet is Ruining the World

And I'm not even going to talk about spelling and grammar.

More and more people are not only expressing their opinions, but doing so in a harsh, threatening, or violent way. People seem to think less and less of threatening a person's life because they are racist, or against gay marriage, or FOR gay marriage, or baptizing proxy for someone's deceased family members, or for participating in a group of people that also includes someone else with any of those qualities, or any number of opinions that are repugnant to them.

You see, anyone can have opinions nowadays, even about things that don't really affect them. Just the other day, I was solicited to sign a petition for something in an entirely other state. Which I refused because it's none of my business what another state decides to do with their law.

But that's just it, people think everything is everyone's business. Not only do we disrespect privacy, we actually castigate people who refuse ideological exhibitionism.

The Cure for Self-Hatred

I wrote a post more than three years ago which continues to bring a significant number of people to this blog. That post was about self-hatred, a problem that I seem to run into again and again in myself.

Faced again with the same personality problem I so often have, a problem that threatens my friendships, my employment, and my relationship with God, I am trying to learn what I need to change to be liked and accepted for who I am. But I have not met much success. I pray and plead and struggle with the Lord, but the only answers that occur to me are things that I can't change without losing the good parts of myself. I know this, because sacrificing my personality to keep the peace and to be liked and valued is precisely what I did in my marriage that fed the abuse dynamic.

In the end, the only answer I seem to get from the Lord is to have faith.

9/11 and the Mosque: It's Not About Religion

I know there's a great deal of furor about the Mosque overlooking Ground Zero. I don't get it. I don't get it for a few reasons, some less noble than others.

First, I don't get 9/11. I know that is borderline unpatriotic, but I just don't get why it was so monumental. Maybe it is because as I was growing up, bomb drills were as much a part of the school practice as fire drills. Except, I never experienced a fire at school. Two of the "bomb drills" I went through were real. I had to carry an identification card around with me to get to my house. I've waited in line for over an hour just to get home so the bomb dogs and guys with the oversized dentist mirrors could go through every single car queued up to get on base. I lived as a child knowing that my house could be bombed, that my dad could be killed. That I could be killed in a heartbeat. It wasn't frightening, it was just how life was. 9/11 didn't carry the same punch for me that it seems to carry for most people.

Plus, I was in Germany when the attack occurred. Not only did I not live through the national panic, I experienced the anti-American rallies in the aftermath. I even suggested to my companion once or twice that we take off our missionary name tags so we could travel incognito and not start a riot. I worked hard to improve my accent in German rather than worrying about vocabulary so I could pass as British or Dutch in a pinch. I never had to use that, at least, but I was trained by life as a child how to blend in when necessary and knew it didn't hurt to be careful. I don't think all military kids learn these things, but my dad always encouraged us to immerse ourselves in our resident culture.

Which brings me to second: 9/11 wasn't about religion. It was about politics first and culture second. A good part of my life was spent in a first-world country that is not America. I lived a couple of years on a third-world island. I have seen for myself the range of emotions towards Americans ranging from excited interest through disdain to contempt. I have seen what we Americans do that justifies those sentiments.

If the attacks were about religion, there are many better religious sites that could have been destroyed. But there were no attacks on the Vatican, nothing against Notre Dame. The targets were 100% political and 100% American—a country which theoretically professes no religious alignment.

So why not let them build a Mosque near Ground Zero? Even in a worst-case scenario and the alarmists are right, that it is mockery of our culture and the Christian religion, so what? Why indulge ourselves in the self-centeredness which the rest of the world despises instead of celebrating the parts of America which make us great—our tolerance, our open arms to conflicting ideologies and points of view? We can always reclaim that mosque as a badge of honor, reform it into the gesture of mutuality they claim it is. And if the alarmists are wrong, and it really is intended as a gesture of goodwill, it is churlish and hypocritical of us to refuse it.

Honest Questions

This song has always been a comfort and a strength to me, but in light of the anger directed against my Church lately, and all of the hurt and pain on both sides, it has gained more meaning for me. I believe it holds the key to healing, but I can understand there might be some disagreement on that subject. You can listen to it here, though it is only a fan video, so don't pay too much attention to that.

Can you see
the honest questions in my heart this hour,
opening like a flower
to the rain?
And do you know the silent sorrows of a
never-ending journey through the pain?

Do you see a brighter day for me?
Another day,
a day . . . .
Do you wonder what's in store for me,
the cure for me, the way?
Oh, look down and see the tears I've cried,
the lives I've lived,
the deaths I've died.
Would you die them too,
and all for me? You say:

"I will pour the water down upon a thirsty barren land.
And streams will flow
from the dust of your bruised and broken soul.
And you will grow like the grass
upon the fertile plains of Asia, by the streams
of living water you will grow.
Oh . . . you will grow."

Do you know
the story from the start?
And do you know me,
like you've always told me?
Do you see the whispers in my heart against your kindness,
my eternal blindness?
Do you see . . .

Do you see a brighter day for me?
Another day,
a day . . . .
Do you wonder what's in store for me,
the cure for me, the way?
Oh, look down and see the tears I've cried,
the lives I've lived,
the deaths I've died.
But you die them too,
and all for me. You say:

"I will pour the water down upon a thirsty barren land,
And streams will flow
From the dust of your bruised and broken soul.
And you will grow like the grass
Upon the fertile plains of Asia, by the streams
Of living water you will grow.
Oh, I will pour the water down upon the thirsty barren land,
And streams will flow
From the dust of your bruised and broken soul.
And you will grow like the grass
Upon the fertile plains of Asia, by the streams
Of living water you will grow.
Oh, you will grow."
From Daniel Bedingfield, "Honest Questions"

Discussion of Hate

Thanks to Dennis at Thinking in a Marrow Bone for this interesting post. Please comment there, if you have thoughts on the subject.

Dealing with Self-hatred

I may be the only one in the world who deals with this, but in the chance that I am not, I thought to try to share what gets me through it. I have a "besetting sin" (in the words of Anne Shirley) to see and obsess over my mistakes. I doubt I see all of them, but I see enough to entice me to despair, particularly when I hurt others with my faults, which seems to happen far too often. Whenever I have conflict with someone, my mind almost immediately afterward begins to turn on itself. Based on others' expressed opinions of me, I think I must show a calm enough face during the conflict, seeming confident and overly assertive, but the real storm comes after the conflict is over and the other participant has departed. This second storm, a sort of internal civil war, is one I sometimes wonder if I'll one day lose everything to.

It is hard to describe how a person can hate oneself with so much passion without physically taking it out on oneself. I doubt that someone who has never felt this could even imagine what it is like to be trapped in one's own head while words and emotions of such violence mentally pummel you. There is no one to turn to with this intensity of feeling. It frightens me; I would never wish to inflict it upon another, though I have once before, unfortunately, which was a mistake I do not intend to repeat. It is so strange and unlike my usual self, I can only think that it comes directly from the Adversary. When it is over, after I have done the things I describe below, I feel better and more centered again.

The only thing that I can do during times like this is cling to my deep conviction that there is a God, and that He loves me. When I cannot like or forgive myself, I have to remember that there is One who does both. Sometimes I am reminded through music, or the scriptures. Occasionally a friend or acquaintance calls at the right time to shake me out of myself and give me back perspective. At times, when it seems I can no longer bear it, I have felt the very real feeling of arms enfolding me and holding me close. The feeling has been so real, I have been afraid to open my eyes in case it left.

If you have ever had to deal with these sorts of feelings, I plead with you to gain a testimony of the omnibenevolence of God. Pray with all the energy within you to feel Him. He is there! If He, as a perfect being, loves you, then if you do not love yourself it is only another imperfection. What you see, what you think about yourself cannot be truth if it is not also love.

If what you feel is a result of sin—of separation from God—you must repent! Repentance is not the demand of an authoritarian God, it is the plea to turn to Him again, to look at Him and see how much He loves you. Yes, you make mistakes and even sin. That is why Christ paid for that sin. He loves you so much, He suffered pain and death to show you that your imperfection doesn't have to matter. The words of Christ Himself read "If [you] come unto me I will show unto [you your] weakness. I give [you] weakness that you may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for [you if you] humble [yourself] before me; for if [you] humble [yourself] before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto [you]."

Keep clear distinction between sin and mistakes. When we sin, we must expect to be chastened, but do not feel that you must be chastened or condemned for mistakes. Neither sin nor mistakes make you a bad person, they do not make you evil or irredeemable. As Elder Oaks has pointed out the Lord deals differently with mistakes than he does with sin. Mistakes do not require repentance, only to be learned from. Sometimes it takes a long while to learn. When we came here to earth, it was expected that mistakes would be made. When they are, simply throw up your arms and yell "HOW FASCINATING! I have a chance to learn something!" In the Atonement of Christ, even sins become learning opportunities.

I suppose experiencing my feelings when I hurt others has helped me forgive where many believe they could never forgive. Although I have been hurt by others in the past, I am capable of at least knowing the hurt will not last forever, and am usually able to forgive, even through the pain. In this sense, I think my curse is also a blessing.

When you hurt, when you feel alone or are pummeled by the lies of Satan, remember, as Christ would say:

"Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,
For I will be with thee, they troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee they deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!"

Suggested Reading:
***Dallin H. Oaks gives a vital explanation of sin, mistakes and forgiveness that can be applied to oneself.
Some great advice about dealing with sin and sinners, especially those whose sins have separated them from some of the more obvious blessings of God. This is a great read which deserves its own post some day.
Gordon B. Hinckley shares how to be happy.
The classic talk by Elder Packer which shows the value of a soul—even yours.
Elder Wirthlin demonstrates how the Savior valued even one soul.
Neal A. Maxwell outlines how to apply the Atonement.
A wonderful essay on how to forgive yourself.
The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Zander.
Finally, one about letting go of past mistakes.