Messy Faith

"Make the heart of this people fat, and make their ears heavy, and shut their eyes; lest they see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and convert, and be healed."
Isaiah 6:10

I'm exhausted. The things going on in my life have me flat-on-my-back emotionally and physically. I don't even have the energy to put up a tree this year (but I'm going to do it anyways.) School, two wards, work, friends, and family all have their demands and/or expectations, and I haven't got anything to give.

I'm not a very good Mormon. I don't make casseroles to take to people. I have no time for crafts. I can't even get my visiting teaching done (but there's always next month to do it right!, my VT Supervisor says.) I feel pretty good even when I make cookies or something to take to my neighbors. My testimony is "complicated," as I put it when trying to explain it in RS yesterday. Unlike the woman on the back row, I DO doubt, I have doubted, and I AM doubting, but I know "by my own experience" that faith and doubt most certainly can occupy the same space at the same time. Because my faith isn't about "feeling good" about something. It is, and always has been, a raw choice for me. I can't explain my turbulence of emotion and how I have come to float on top of it. But I have. I'd be a bad liberal, too, if I were one, for the exact same types of reasons.

Punishment without Volition

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn from my marriage was about agency. We often talk about agency like it's "free will" or the power to choose. But it is inarguable that the vast majority of us are very much "punished...for Adam's transgression." Here on earth, mortality is one long experience of being punished for the mistakes and sins of others.

Most of my tear-streaked nights were spent wrestling over the effect my divorce was going to have on my children and my eternity. I stayed in a marriage which had nothing to offer me almost from day one because I believed in the covenants I had made in the temple. I believed that if I was patient, things would work out for good. I thought that my ex would eventually see how much a covenant life had to offer, that he would be able to forgive me my failure, and we could work together towards God.

But that wasn't to be.

Abuse and the Spirit

A recent comment on another blog got me thinking about something that I hadn't really been able to put my finger on properly before.

Emotional abuse, at its core, is the systematic destruction of a person's self confidence. Whether it is by ridiculing and name calling, or by more subtle comments made over the course of years, the effect is to weaken a person's ability to trust themselves and their perceptions.

An abuser must destroy this self-confidence because it softens the recipient of abuse for what will come next: the exploitation of self. By the time the exploitation occurs (physical violence being one of the most flashy forms of exploitation, though by no means the only one), the recipient is convinced that they either deserve what is happening to them, or they are unsure that it is happening at all. Usually, it's a strange combination of both.

The horrible aspect of this, especially for members of the Church, is that loss of self-confidence also means loss of ability to listen to the Spirit. The abuser's methods quite effectively cut a recipient off from the Spirit and the Lord before the recipient is even aware of what is happening.

And the effects can last a lifetime.

This is important to understand for any member of the Church seeking to help an abuse recipient through recovery. Often in decision-making and healing processes within the Church, the Spirit is appealed to as a source for inspiration. For a person trying to heal from abuse, the suggestion to follow their heart or follow the Spirit does little but cause frustration, desperation, and increased feelings of worthlessness.

It is vital, therefore, to help a recipient first learn to trust themselves to feel the Spirit again. If that broken relationship can be healed, the rest will come in time. This takes constant reassurance and validation. Try not to lose patience. There are changes being made that you won't be able to see for a very long time.

If you are the one recovering from abuse, you must expect that those around you who care about you will not understand your need for validation. They may get frustrated with it. Remember that they love and care about you or they would not be trying to help in the first place. They may just not know how long your road to healing is, nor realize that you are making progress that seems vast to you, but small to them.

Learn to validate yourself. Praise yourself for every time you try to listen to the Spirit, and for every step you make in overcoming fear. No one else knows what you need as much as you do. It will be frightening, terrifying to make decisions and take action based on little more than the hope that the impressions coming into your head are from the Lord. But it is vital that you do so. Start with little things, like going up and talking to someone or simply smiling at a stranger.

In time, you will be able to reforge that bond of trust in yourself that you so desperately need.

Abuse Without a Bruise

I have been unable to write about this topic for some time, but I feel in my heart that there is something I can add to all that has been said about abuse. I will probably be doing several posts on this topic, as I have learned far more than I ever cared to know about abuse and how our society, culture, and government deal (and not deal) with it.

Although there are pages and pages of information about abuse, and many organizations to help women escape from abuse, I feel there is a huge gap between the reality of abuse and popular understanding of it. Much of that gap can be filled by understanding the mechanics of what abuse really is and in using gospel principles to heal.

Putting hands on a person, which tends to be the only recognized sign of abuse, is only the pinnacle of the problem. Like the worn-out analogy of an iceberg, the reality of abuse, the substance of it, lies far below what can be seen and measured.

There is a problem with this, however. A government or organization cannot deal with something unmeasurable. The government can only punish for what it can see, it cannot protect. It cannot stop abuse in time to save the hearts and souls of the victims. By the time bruises can be seen, the pattern of abuse has progressed too far. Lives are often irrevocably damaged, and people are left to live with some element of fear in their hearts for the rest of their days. No, the government cannot see, understand, or stop abuse.

There is only one person who can free a victim of abuse, and that is the victim.

Unfortunately, there is little information about all that lies below the surface until a person lives it. If you are like I was, you believe that abuse is easy to define and then to stop. If a person hits you, that is abuse, and you can get out.

Unfortunately, all the hard work of abuse has already been done by the time a finger is laid on the victim. An abuser spends a great deal of time and energy emotionally and mentally destabilizing a victim. Much like a torturer, the abuser carefully manipulates a victim into a state of mind where the victim believes their pain is their own fault. They come to believe that if only they were (good, smart, strong, beautiful, giving, obedient, hard-working) enough, they wouldn't hurt any more. An abuser creates a world for the victim where the victim continually searches for something—anything—to change in themselves to make it better. As soon as a victim finds a way to comply with the demands of the abuser, the abuser changes the rules and the victim is left standing on shifting sands, with nothing they can do to make things better, mired in a downward spiral of self-recrimination, desperately searching for the magic change that will never exist. Then, when the physical blows come, they are left with no strength of mind to resist, and they are at the mercy of the abuser.

Yes, the substance of abuse happens long before the first wound is inflicted. Otherwise, no one would tolerate being abused.

The only way to stop abuse cold is to educate people. Neighbors and friends who recognize signs of isolation will not allow a victim to be isolated. Victims who recognize the struggle for control that abuse really is will be able to identify the problem where it really lies: within the abuser.

I intend to educate as well as I am able, within the small framework I have been given, and in the light of gospel principles. If I can help one person recognize that they are in an abusive relationship before they actually get hurt, it will be worth it.

Temple Questions

There is a very interesting conversation over at Zelophehad's Daughters which I found worth linking here, in light of having no feelings towards posting something of my own.

Blah, Blah: "Big Love", Mormons and Temples

I'll bite on this topic simply because I don't think there are enough people who don't think it's a big deal. You get some people smugly sitting back, watching other people react with outrage or disgust. You get others perplexed by the whole thing. My reaction is "eh."

The temple ordinances are sacred, not secret, as has been said many times before. They have been available for reading in their entirety for a very long time. The Church has not to my knowledge been overly concerned with temple security. Anyone with cunning, patience and will could sneak in. Additionally, anyone (member or not) who is curious about the temple can attend an open house before it is dedicated and have a great many questions answered without resorting to subterfuge. In fact, in some countries (such as Germany), the temple and its grounds can be annexed and used by the government at any time.

None of it matters to me. No amount of discussion or verbatim quotation can come close to touching on the actual ceremony. A surprising amount of the temple ceremony can be shared and discussed without breaking covenants (per Boyd K. Packers The Holy Temple) and there are very few parts that are not discussed therein. Much of the temple ceremony can be found in scripture, if you know what to look for. True, I have made covenants not to share certain aspects of the temple ceremony outside of certain areas of the temple itself, and it matters to me not in the least that others have broken their covenants to do so.

Likewise, it matters to me not in the least that some members are part of the cast, and intend to be next year. That is their issue with God, and I am no judge of it, even if I wanted to be.

So, I don't really care what other people do with things I hold sacred. They cannot tarnish my experiences in the temple no matter how they try. They can't even understand them, should they recite the ceremonies in their entirety. That is good enough for me.

I know what I have experienced in the temple. I know how I have been able to draw closer to God, better understand His love for me, and my role in life. No other place has been a sanctuary for me in the way the temple has. It is simply a natural yet infinitely beautiful part of my progression towards God. In the temple, I have drunk deeply of the Spirit. I have worshiped and been befriended by my God. What can compare?

The Large and Spacious Bloggernacle

There is an interesting little catfight going on as a result of an article about how LDS blogs were started. It really got me thinking about the whys and wherefores of blogging. Hearing the "authorities" of LDS blogs—those who have been around for some time, (and ironically often show dissatisfaction with the way LDS priesthood is run) bicker with the rather younger, more vital (and arguably more mainstream) "Mormon Mommy Blogs" over who played in the playground first has been illustrative.

Why blog? It seems that there are a few reasons. First, some blog because they think they have something important to share. They believe their perspective is important, and others should hear it. This tends towards "scholarly" sort of blogging. Or, maybe they just want to share their testimony with any who care to read it. Second, networking. Many blog because they want to stay in touch with friends and family. Blogging is a great way to go about it. Mommy blogs are largely of this sort. As another type of networking, some may have business networking blogs. I have one of this sort, which I've not yet used. Third, chronicling. Some may merely want to record events in their lives, whether good or bad. I have one public, but little-publicized journal-blog of that nature, and one private one. Fourth, a blogger may want to get his or her ideas out there so they can be discussed and mulled over. Maybe a person thinks better by typing, or maybe they want feedback on what they are thinking. Fifth, some blog for support. They are seeking for a community they can't find offline. This is a sort of offshoot of networking, but backwards. Rather than keeping track of those they already know offline, they are seeking others of like mind, often to get to know later.

I think I fall somewhere in the discussion and testimony-sharing categories for this blog. I don't get a ton of readers, but that doesn't particularly bother me. The ones I have are quite high-quality (in my opinion!) and willing to discuss gospel topics which are on my mind. I know some people read this who disagree with me, and I welcome those other perspectives (so long as they respect mine.)

The biggest pothole in the road of blogging is pride. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because you have your own little realm of control on the web, you are somehow better or worthy of notice. Take the catfight which spawned my thoughts lately. It has gotten to a contest of who has been here longest, or who has the most readers. Realistically, it doesn't matter in the least how long you have blogged or who reads your words. If you have something of value to blog about, that is independent of recognition.

So, why the emotions and controversy? I guess deep down, we are all still just little children wanting to be loved and accepted. Me included. But, in the end, does it really matter in which wing of the Large and Spacious Bloggernacle we have decided to set up camp?

"And the large and spacious building . . . is vain imaginations and the pride of the children of men. And a great and a terrible gulf divideth them; yea, even the word of the justice of the Eternal God, and the Messiah who is the Lamb of God. . . ."
1 Nephi 12:18

Finding Worship in LDS Services

I was reading Andrew Ainsworth's post on Mormon Matters (worth a read, for certain) and began to feel as if it were indirectly hitting on something that currently lies on my heart. I am addressing this subject because I want help to overcome it, not because I want to vent or complain or disparage anyone involved. I feel it must be a problem in my own heart which I want to resolve, if possible.

I have attended many LDS wards in my life, some of which were vibrantly spiritual. As much as some people ridicule singles' wards (and I had one or two not far from the stereotype) some of my most deeply spiritual in-church experiences were when I was single. In my singles' wards and from what I remember of the many wards I grew up in, Sacrament Meeting would often have a topic like "faith" or "repentance" which was discussed in all the talks that day. Sometimes there would be a combination, such as baptism and the Holy Ghost, but there was almost always some spiritual topic which was addressed.

My current ward is full of good, well-meaning people, and I don't want to disparage them. I have found myself, however, literally starving for spiritual nourishment at Church. I have felt the Spirit through personal scripture study, and when studying to write on topics, or when speaking with individuals or pondering gospel topics. I have occasionally felt the Spirit in Sunday School. I don't think I have felt the Spirit in Sacrament Meeting since coming to this area. Sacrament Meeting talks are composed of 1) Recaps of some activity or project done in the ward, like Girls' Camp, Scout Camp or Daily Dose efforts; 2) Family introductions from new move-ins, who are mostly the children of some established ward family and therefore grew up in the ward; or 3) Young Women's/Primary/thematic "programs" of some sort, like Christmas or Easter, in which stories or articles are read out loud by the speakers.

While I can certainly understand that the Spirit can be present in such sacrament presentations, and I have at times felt the Spirit in my life during such things, I find myself unable to find the communal spiritual nourishment I crave. I have tried. I have fasted and prayed, and pondered and focused, and all the things that one does to try to feel the Spirit. I have heard ward members testify of the Spirit felt in the meetings, which I simply have not felt.

Often, Sunday School and Relief Society meetings are even drier. The teachers generally focus on events and not on the ramifications of those events. History, "weren't their lives hard?", and commonly-recited answers to carefully-pre-posed questions tend to be the flavor. I have tried to comment, to share how things have affected me, to help the teacher bring the Spirit into the lesson, but my efforts, despite being appreciated by some, are largely perceived as hostile or reactionary, and have caused me some amount of trouble, so I have ceased them.

In short, I long for and desire to participate in the community of Christ, but find myself an outsider, and no part of the community I am in. At the same time, my experiences in life are teaching me that becoming frustrated with the lack of spiritual nourishment does nothing to help bring the Spirit to fruition. It seems that the choice is to simply not expect spiritual nourishment in Church, and pray for the Spirit to come somehow and in some way to my life.

Have any of you struggled with this? What have you done to bring the Spirit back into Sunday services?

I am beginning to suspect that part of the problem is my traditional view of worship services. I tend to think of Sunday church as a time to discuss gospel principles, learn from the discussion, and try to apply them to my life during the week. While this can be right, it isn't working for me right now. So, I sat down and tried to really think about how to worship God. He said His work is to "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." To me, it seems that the best way to worship Him would be to help Him in His work. Therefore, I think I am going to try to get to know people in my ward by simply listening to comments, talks, and teaching style, since I no longer comment. I need to stop expecting to be nourished by the Spirit in church, and just listen to other people for a time. Perhaps I can sift through the everyday answers to find someone who needs me. Perhaps I can reach out to just one person.

Perhaps then, I can worship God in His Church even without the slightest grain of gospel discussion or Spiritual nourishment.

Honest Questions

This song has always been a comfort and a strength to me, but in light of the anger directed against my Church lately, and all of the hurt and pain on both sides, it has gained more meaning for me. I believe it holds the key to healing, but I can understand there might be some disagreement on that subject. You can listen to it here, though it is only a fan video, so don't pay too much attention to that.

Can you see
the honest questions in my heart this hour,
opening like a flower
to the rain?
And do you know the silent sorrows of a
never-ending journey through the pain?

Do you see a brighter day for me?
Another day,
a day . . . .
Do you wonder what's in store for me,
the cure for me, the way?
Oh, look down and see the tears I've cried,
the lives I've lived,
the deaths I've died.
Would you die them too,
and all for me? You say:

"I will pour the water down upon a thirsty barren land.
And streams will flow
from the dust of your bruised and broken soul.
And you will grow like the grass
upon the fertile plains of Asia, by the streams
of living water you will grow.
Oh . . . you will grow."

Do you know
the story from the start?
And do you know me,
like you've always told me?
Do you see the whispers in my heart against your kindness,
my eternal blindness?
Do you see . . .

Do you see a brighter day for me?
Another day,
a day . . . .
Do you wonder what's in store for me,
the cure for me, the way?
Oh, look down and see the tears I've cried,
the lives I've lived,
the deaths I've died.
But you die them too,
and all for me. You say:

"I will pour the water down upon a thirsty barren land,
And streams will flow
From the dust of your bruised and broken soul.
And you will grow like the grass
Upon the fertile plains of Asia, by the streams
Of living water you will grow.
Oh, I will pour the water down upon the thirsty barren land,
And streams will flow
From the dust of your bruised and broken soul.
And you will grow like the grass
Upon the fertile plains of Asia, by the streams
Of living water you will grow.
Oh, you will grow."
From Daniel Bedingfield, "Honest Questions"

I Believe in Gifts of the Spirit

Articles of Faith #7
[I] believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.

It has taken me a very long time to feel out what I should write about this Article of Faith. We members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints find ourselves in a rather odd position. Despite the strong influence of spiritual gifts in the fledgling years of the Church, we do not speak much of them now. Although they will be alluded to in General Conference talks, it is mostly to say that they still exist, though we do not hear much of them. Otherwise, they are discussed in terms of developing talents. I often find such discussions of talents somewhat condescending, in that they seem to rob spiritual gifts of their power and relegate them to a simple ability to smile at people, or play the piano.

While other talents are certainly gifts from God, and should be used to serve Him, they are different, in my mind, to spiritual gifts. Spiritual gifts include the flashy manifestations of prophecy and healing as well as the more subtle gifts of discernment, understanding and insight. My family history is sprinkled with a strong legacy of spiritual gifts, though I have not witnessed many overt manifestations in my family members. Like the tendency to diminish spiritual gifts, there is also a strong tendency to either dismiss them as pagan, mystical or downright manifestations of Satan’s power, or to speak of them with hushed and vaguely frightened voices.

It can be difficult to parse the difference in spiritual manifestations, and in our world of science and logic, it is embarrassing to speak of them. Those who claim to have had encounters with spirits, or who claim “paranormal” abilities are seen (often rightfully) as frauds. I also believe this viewpoint is engendered by the Opposition to rob us of some of our most powerful tools. It is difficult to walk the line, and must be done with a certain measure of trepidation. It is easy for Satan to entice us into thinking we are somehow more special than others, into believing we are better because we have or have witnessed these abilities. The gifts of God, however, are never done in pride or a sense of superiority. They never require money or deference to be granted, and this is what I have found to be the most effective tool in discernment.

If you hear of some spiritual gift experience, there are a few things I have found to help differentiate what comes from God and what does not, although Satan has become adept in confusing the issue.

Before I go into explaining what I mean, I want to say that I will not be sharing any of my own experiences. Although that is primarily what I am trying to do with this series on the Articles of Faith, I feel that this is neither the medium nor the time for it in this case. What I will do is try to illustrate what I have found useful in dealing with claims of spiritual gifts.

When you hear or read of a spiritual gift experience, first ask yourself if the Spirit is present. In my experience, the Spirit will not bring a sense of euphoria or of uniqueness. Rather, it brings a sense of smallness, of total humility before God. It will not inspire you to tell everyone, rather you will feel as if you hold a special highly breakable pearl which must be protected and shown only rarely. The experience will not likely be a highly advertised one, it will be simple and matter-of-fact.

Secondly, ask yourself if it brings you closer to God. This is a natural byproduct of the aforementioned humility. If it makes you feel broken, contrite and grateful, it is probably of God. If it makes you feel special compared to others, it is probably not of Him.

Another good test is to see if money, attention or power is being gained in some way. God’s gifts are never about attention, money or power. You are not likely to find swarms of people chanting the name of someone with true spiritual gifts.

Also, God’s spiritual gifts are often only manifested after humanity has done all it can. The gifts of the spirit rarely manifest to save someone from their own folly, or to do what medicine can do on its own. There is a great economy in heaven, and the Lord will not use gunpowder to light a candle. Humility is necessary to awaken spiritual gifts, and cannot be substituted with demands or fear.

I have also found true spiritual gifts are simple and direct. There is no mystical terminology or hazy description with true gifts from God. God is not there to confuse people or to impress them with parlor tricks, He is there to bless us and bring us back to Him. Haze and mysticism serve the one who is trying to mimic God’s gifts, and God has no need of them.

Also, gifts of the Spirit cannot be sought after by traditional means. Attempting to contact spirits or otherworld powers will certainly open you up to things from beyond this world, but they will never be of God. Only faith, prayer, and a purity of heart can invite spiritual experiences of this nature, and only with the willingness to wait on the Lord’s time. It is not sin to seek after these gifts, but it is a very fine line between seeking to gratify one’s own pride and seeking to glorify God. It takes a wise mind and deep soul-searching to discern one’s own motives.

In the end, true gifts of the Spirit are always to serve God. Although it can seem an embarrassing and silly thing to seek after these gifts, when we fail to seek them for the glory of God, and His service, we fail to live up to the full measure of our faith. We should all plead with God to show us how to serve Him best, and to find our spiritual gifts and the courage to use them in humility and faith.

Resources:
Quick to Observe by Elder David A. Bednar
An Outpouring of Blessings by Julie B. Beck
Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall Elder Dallin H. Oaks
The Life of Joseph Smith, Teachings of the Presidents of the Church Manual
The Spiritual Component of Healing by Elder Alexander B. Morrison
The Day God Healed Me in Today’s Christian

Winning is Such Sweet Sorrow

I was surprised at my reaction to Proposition 8 passing. I did not feel compelled to participate in campaigning for it, and the extent of my contribution was summed up in a few posts here and comments there. Yet, when I heard it passed, I was awash with a complicated flurry of emotions.

First was relief. Although I can understand that others may feel differently, to me it seemed a symbol of morality. Not all is lost, not all lines have been blurred for all people.

Close thereafter was a much more powerful rush of mourning. I knew that the lives of many would be affected by this, and there must be an immense agony incited by the passing of the amendment. Although it is unlikely to be believed, I ache for the hearts of those who believe they are doing the right thing. I hate pain in anyone, and can understand the feelings of loss, rejection and emptiness that must be felt by so many. Many members of the Church have and will leave because of it, much hatred will be deepened. That can't help but sadden me.

Finally, was a feeling of resignation. It is not over. It is likely that the judges will overthrow this decision as well, since they see it as a human rights issue. Moreover, hatred against the Church is reinforced, perhaps beyond repair. I see this as inevitable, given time, but that does not make it easy to witness.

The whole thing has me feeling rather wrung-out, even though I did not participate. My personality is one that just wants everyone to get along, yet I have a streak of loyalty to what I know to be true. It hurts to defend what I believe in, but I must do it. To me it is a choice between evils, and not much of a choice at all.

Unfortunately, that is often the lot of mortality.

Voting for the Mob

After listening to a sickening quantity of debates, diatribes and declarations, carefully marking each better choice on my sample ballot, taking the cheat sheet down to the voting center and selecting each in turn, I found myself staring at the screen with a feeling vaguely reminiscent of trying to choose which of my children would die on the sacrificial altar of a God I don't believe in.

I have heard jokes and incredulity that there could still be undecided voters out there. How could anyone not know who they are voting for by now, after two years of inundation? But the concept didn't seem foreign or unbelievable to me. I was one. To be honest, although I voted several days ago, I still am one.

It sounds very defeatist, and I suppose it is, but I don't believe that any presidential candidate will do a good job as president. I don't believe that any of them can act as the figurehead of the modern world without leaving a sour taste in my mouth. Perhaps I am indecisive, but I cannot shake the feeling that a vote is an endorsement. I simply cannot endorse either of those people. Their behavior is juvenile, their pandering is nauseating, and I am left vaguely sickened and somewhat despairing in the knowledge that this is what the American people want in their politicians.

I know there is no way to find a president who will agree with me on every issue. That is not what I am asking. I want a leader for our country with some residue of integrity. I want someone who can say what he or she believes without having to simply tell people what they want to hear. I want a presidential race that is based on demonstrating one's own character, not on smearing the opponents or prattling about "the issues". Most of all, I want to live in a country where people are intelligent enough to look beyond what they think they believe, and see value in honesty and integrity.

I have no hope of any such country. That is why I am still carrying an unshakable heaviness of spirit. I feel rather lonely, despite knowing there are a few others who feel as I do.

I did finally choose. I prayed with all my faith that God would watch over His work and His righteousness, that my choice would not damage the things I feel He holds precious. I was left with the feeling that it would be alright. God is there, and He is still trying to gather those who will be gathered. I don't know who is going to win this election, but I know that I am ready to face the challenges that are sure to continue in my lifetime, whatever the outcome.

There may be no one I can endorse in this presidential election, but there are still people I can affect in my own life, and that makes all the difference.

General Conference Questions

At a response from a challenge in a post on Segullah, I'm going to break from my Articles of Faith posts to post my questions for General Conference. I will come back and edit this post later, as they are answered.

1) The ward doesn't really want my input, and my time is very limited. What can I do to serve in my ward?

2) There are many people struggling with "issues" in the Church, some of which I can empathize with. How can I help them feel God's reassurance and love within the Church?

3) What should I do next to deepen my spiritual relationship with God?

4) What can I now do to deepen my family's relationship with God?

5) How can I eliminate negativity when the negativity is continually refreshed, but the positivity is always being depleted?

6) What must I do to gain the blessing given to Nephi by God? Is it possible for me to have such a blessing, since I do not hold the priesthood?

7) Will it be enough?

I Am a One, Why Does No One Come After Me?

When I served a mission for my church, we had a few small pamphlets which we could stamp with our contact information and leave in the boxes or under the doors of those who were not at home. We often used them as sorts of business cards. I believe they were 5.5x8", folded in thirds. On the cover of the yellow version of this pamphlet was a question mark. It contained text asking if there were questions in the reader's life which they could not answer. Such questions included, "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "What is the purpose of life?" There is a question which has come to the forefront of my mind many times in my life. In the parable of the ninety and nine, Christ tells of a shepherd who left his flock to search out the one which was lost. I feel that I am one who is lost, why does no one come after me?

At many times in my life, I have felt cut off from the flock. Once, when I was fourteen, I was actively rejected from it. I have failed to really connect with a ward since returning to Utah after serving my mission. The feeling of failure and of being failed has at times become overwhelming. As a result of my estrangement, I have come to rely more and more on my Savior, knowing that He will never leave me comfortless. Once the tears are spent and I can calm enough to listen, He has always been there to comfort me. It took a change in my approach to realize that He has always been coming after me, just not in the ways I expected.

I have often been tempted to stay home, or even at times to leave altogether. "There is no reason for me to attend Church," I think. "I can feel the Spirit more strongly by serving those who really need it, or by a quiet walk in the woods." Although I have felt the Spirit many times in such circumstances, I know that they cannot replace the need to struggle and fit into the body of the Church.

In response to my desire to simply quit trying, the Spirit has also gradually whispered to my mind the understanding that I cannot allow my salvation to rest on others' shoulders. I cannot permit the actions and behavior of others to come between me and my God.

The final thing I've been taught by my feelings of estrangement is a realization that I've been holding others to a standard I can't match. Not only am I not reaching out to others the way I wish they'd reach out to me, I am expecting other people to read my mind and somehow discern what I need. There is a reason God advises us to ask, knock and seek. I have not been asking others for help, I have not been seeking help. The Spirit can prompt others to help me, true, but if I am not willing to humble myself and ask, I cannot expect others to give to me. The Spirit will not often take up my slack. When I have been willing to open my heart, there have been special souls waiting to soothe it. It has built far stronger connections than I could have imagined, sometimes from unforeseeable quarters.

There are many waiting to help, they only need to be shown how to do it. And, in the end, if you are truly alone on earth, you will never be without comfort if you are willing to accept it.

D&C 61:36-37: "And now, verily I say unto you, and what I say unto one I say unto all, be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you; and inasmuch as you have humbled yourselves before me, the blessings of the kingdom are yours."

What is Tolerance?

This is an absolutely amazing discussion on political correctness and tolerance. I am intrigued and slightly jealous: I wish I had written it! Please read and comment there.

So Calm and Collected

Generally, we wander around in a state of unilateral self-perception, but every once in a while you get a glimpse into how other people see you. Last Sunday, the Relief Society teacher asked for stories of when someone was there for us when we needed them. This has only really happened once in my life, as I generally make a point of independence. When I shared it, I blinked back the tears (the real feminine curse!) to see a look of mild shock on her face. "You are always so self-possessed, so calm and collected. It goes to show how important it is for us to be there for the one in the crowd. . . ." and she turned the lesson back to the topic.

I was rather confused. My life has been in a state of mild to severe chaos since moving into this ward. I have felt anything but calm and collected. I thought for sure my distress was embarrassingly evident. Although I see myself as a consummate actress on the stage of life, I thought my persona had completely shattered along with my life's dreams not so long ago. Apparently, I was wrong.

I mention this not solely for the purpose of public self-reflection, but also to show how vital it is to develop empathy. I have always been hyper-aware of others' feelings, almost to the point of catatonia when I have upset someone. (Hence the great acting abilities. I learned to carry on the semblance of normal life when I'm panicking inside.) Almost in defense, I have become quite the opposite—a person unable to show my concern or to comfort those in need of comfort. I feel awkward and inept when faced with the need to empathize, precisely because I feel too much.

Despite being so unskilled, I know it is vital for me to use this gift of the Spirit. I need to open myself to fear, pain and panic in order to make of myself a place where the beloved of the Lord might dwell in safety. This, I believe, is the core of the gospel. This is what it all means.

Christ suffered unimaginable pain to give us comfort. He has been my haven countless times, when there was no one else to turn to. It is the least we can do to emulate Him as much as we are able. All things in the gospel point to this. When we do missionary work, we must do it through embarrassment and pain because we love and wish to bless. When we go to Church, we do it to bless despite the possible discomfort of not feeling that sense of belonging. When we struggle with certain aspects of policy and doctrine, we turn our fears and hearts to the Lord, despite the terror this action may inspire. Faith in Christ, hope, repentance, sharing the Gospel, temple work, paying tithing, obeying the word of wisdom, all aspects of the Gospel must be centered around this charity.

Perhaps, when we learn this great lesson, we will be opened to the further light and knowledge we long for. Perhaps we shall be able to understand the power in the Priesthood. Perhaps we shall be like Him. And, perhaps, we will be able to see through the veneer of self-possession on others, and see clearly to their hearts.

And, then, we can be there for them when they need us.

Sin and Suicide: the Message We Should Be Sending

I feel as though I'm belaboring a point, but Carol Lynn Pearson's recent opinion essay in the newspaper helped me realize that I should expand on a topic I mentioned in my previous post on Proposition 8. One of the most common concerns with the Church's stance on marriage is that those who self-identify as gay are more prone to suicide because of it. I don't believe this is true. I feel that a more accurate statement would be to say that those who self-identify as gay are more prone to it because of the way they are treated.

In my experience, suicide is often more about being isolated than it is about being different. Those who can be different but still participate in a social network are not (in my experience) the ones who suicide (barring some other, more physiological reason.) I also feel, however, that Carol Lynn Pearson's approach to helping our gay friends and family feel accepted isn't the best way. It seems that she would have people compromise their moral beliefs in order to accept people for who they are. I think it is possible to accept a person without that compromise.

As a disclaimer, I'm writing this from a base assumption that homosexual acts are sins, and that the situation includes someone who has gone beyond mere homosexual attraction. We have been admonished to forgive all men their trespasses, and that should we fail to do so, we stand condemned of greater sin. This includes homosexuality. Should we revile or shun a person because they are homosexual, we are sinning greater than they. Whether or not the Lord forgives them is up to the Lord, the person, and those priesthood wielders with stewardship over that person.

That being said, I want to reiterate that forgiveness of a person includes loving and accepting that person as a child of God. It does not have to accept their behavior, should they be preaching their ways as the right ways. There is a line between a sinner and an antiChrist. We are all sinners, but if we should begin preaching our sins as righteousness, we cross that line.

Christ demonstrated this love of a sinner when He forgave the woman taken in adultery. At the time, adultery was punishable by death. Christ taught that we are all sinners, and have no right to judge another. His defense of the woman, however, did not mean that He condoned her behavior. His "Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more," perfectly demonstrated the blend of forgiveness of a person without tolerance of a sin. The woman at the well, the parable of the Samaritan, Christ's supping with publicans and sinners all demonstrate how we should behave towards those whose sins we see.

While those who do not understand homosexuality must mold their actions more perfectly after Christ, so should those who are sympathetic to homosexuality realize that much of the fear comes from ignorance. Many people have neither met nor befriended people with same-sex-attraction. If they have, they have not been gently and lovingly taught or educated about the subject. So often, bigotry is a symptom of ignorance. This is where Sister Pearson's works can help. But if you ask people to accept something they feel is harmful, you only widen the divide. Plead, therefore, for understanding, not for acceptance. Acceptance of a person's self will come with understanding, even if acceptance of a behavior never comes. Christ loved everyone, even if He did not love their behavior. He even lovingly taught the Pharisees. Many did not listen, but some did. As you seek to educate those who do not understand, remember that most have good hearts and would not wish to cause extra pain to anyone. We are all children, here, trying to work out our salvation together.

The Best Word on Homosexual Marriage

As I'm sure most of you know, the Church has written an explanation for their stance against legalization of gay marriage: The Divine Institution of Marriage. The interesting thing to me is that most of these points were things I have begun to feel myself, the more I ponder out the question for myself. To me, that is a reaffirmation that the Spirit is able to teach me in a vacuum of direct command. I still appreciate the explanation when it comes.

Proposition 8: Into the Fire

I dislike this topic, mostly because I know that no matter what I say, people will be offended. There is really no way to talk about the topic of homosexuality without causing a fight. Luckily, I'm a very small blog in a very small corner, so I doubt there will be too much contention. All the same, I feel compelled to share some of my thoughts on the topic. My opinions here and anywhere on my blog in no way represent the stance of the Church or opinions of her leaders. They only reflect my own thoughts as I struggle to reconcile the points made.

Tax-free Status
The first thing I'd like to address is the argument that the Church has no place encouraging its members to support Proposition 8. From what I understand, based on IRS documentation (warning: this link opens a PDF), the Church is within its legal rights to conduct limited lobbying without losing its tax-free status. Also, I've heard a variation on this argument that claims a Church has no right to tell anyone how to behave, especially those who are not members of its organization. Obviously, under free speech, any organization can say anything so long as it's not threatening or damaging, with the exception of a tax-free organization not being allowed to tell people to vote for a specific candidate without losing status. Since Proposition 8 is non-partisan, it's a non-issue according to my understanding.

Polygamy
Another complaint I've heard is that the LDS Church is hypocritical when it opposes same-sex marriage because it practiced (and still practices in a sense) polygamy. (Since this argument really has little to do with homosexuality, it is only an attack on the character of the Church. Since it is often quoted, however, I will still discuss it.) These complaints generally misquote The Family: A Proclamation to the World by claiming the Church has stated that marriage is between one man and one woman. They say they contradict themselves in the doctrine of polygamy. There are two fallacies to this complaint.

First, the Proclamation says that marriage is between a man and a woman, not one man and one woman. The statement is misquoted to begin with.

Second, even if the statement did say what some claim it says, their interpretation shows a different understanding of polygamy than what I have understood. Although a man may marry multiple women, each of those marriages is complete and whole in and of itself. There is no eternal covenant between the women. Nothing that happens between the man and one wife affects the eternal marriage between him and another wife. It is not one large marriage, but a series of several marriages, each between one man and one woman.

Blacks & the Priesthood
This common comment states that because the Church was wrong about blacks holding the priesthood, they'll be wrong about same-gender marriage. Besides the obvious logical fallacy, it assumes that the Church was wrong. I don't believe they were, in the sense that the leaders should have behaved any way other than the way they did. I believe that God's purposes were fulfilled in the timing as well as the reality of the bestowal of the priesthood. Priesthood exclusivity has precedent in scripture. Not until modern days has it been extended to all worthy male members. (This is partially why it does not trouble me that women do not hold the priesthood.) Additionally, I believe that the perfect God I believe in can work with our imperfection. He knows our thoughts, and He knew the thoughts and intents of the hearts of the men who He called to lead His Church. He called them anyways. Therefore, I can only believe that for whatever reason, whether it be to teach and instruct or for some other reason, He wanted things to happen the way they happened. I trust that those leaders were doing the best they could to follow the Lord. That is why they were chosen and anointed to serve in His kingdom at the time and in the place they were.

Gays Were Born That Way
This argument claims that gays were born with homosexual urges. Because these desires are genetically influenced, they should be encouraged to act according to those desires. I cannot swallow this argument because I was born with genetically-demonstrated depression and anger. I have spent my entire life carving myself away from these tendencies, and allowing the Lord to prune them away. Not everything we are born with is good. Some are born with homicidal tendencies. Some are born with attraction to children, or other psychoses. I don't believe that this fact means that society has to allow them that behavior.

Paired with this argument is the nature argument, which says that Bonobos and other species demonstrate homosexuality in nature. Because it is natural, it should be allowed and even encouraged. Again, I fail to swallow this argument. There are many behaviors in the animal kingdom which I do not feel humans should emulate. (Warning: the two previous links may be disturbing to some.)

Agency
Also comes the argument that fighting against same-sex marriage violates the agency of those who wish to indulge in homosexuality. Obviously, no one's agency is being violated any more than it violates the agency of a mass murderer to be thrown in prison. This stems from a common desire to equate agency with lack of consequence.

Similar to this is the claim that fighting against same-sex marriage adds to suicide rates among LDS members with same-gender attraction. I happen to know by my own experience that suicide is a choice, and falls under the laws of agency. Fortunately, I don't have to judge how capable a person is to make the decision or how accountable they are. Although I do believe there are things that can be done to help someone contemplating suicide, in the end the act itself is only between the person and God.

Opposition is UnChristlike
Again, if a person truly believes that same-sex marriage is wrong, and that acting on same-sex attraction will harm the participants as well as those around them, they have a moral obligation to speak out against it. This obligation does not eradicate the obligation to love as Christ has loved. This is one of the delicate balances found so often in the Gospel. Those who have failed this have failed to be Christlike, indeed, but it is possible to love gays and oppose their behavior. I would imagine anyone with parents, siblings, or children who have hurt themselves by their own actions can understand this.

Reproduction (added from below conversation)
I have often heard the lack of homosexual reproduction compared to heterosexual couples who are infertile or too old to procreate. I feel that is also a logical fallacy. You cannot compare the rule of one instance to the exception of another. That infertile heterosexual couples exist is undeniable, but the general rule is that heterosexual couples can reproduce while homosexual ones cannot without going outside of the bonds of marriage (or resorting to sterile fertilization.) If a heterosexual couple cannot reproduce, it is because they are different from the norm. Any actions taken to help such a couple reproduce are attempts to align them with the common situation. The reasoning that homosexual couples are no different from heterosexual couples who do not or can not reproduce is therefore fallacious.

At any rate, these are the thoughts I have had so far. I would welcome courteous comments on them.

The Unchosen

I once met a twenty-year-old man with a strange story to tell. This man's parents and siblings were active in Church service, one of the few families in his area who were. He loved missionary work, having converted to the restored Gospel of Christ when he was a child. When he was eighteen, he filled out and submitted his mission papers, eagerly awaiting his call. Surprisingly, the letter he received in return did not state the area in which he would serve. It said, rather, that the missionary board had received no inspiration to where he should serve. He was told there would be a six month waiting period, at the end of which he should submit again. Again, there was no call and the letter suggested he wait another six months. Shortly before I met him, he tried a third time. This time the letter came back stating that he was fully worthy to serve, but that it was clear the Lord wanted him to serve in his home town. He was ward mission leader.

I found it interesting when reading Alma 31 that Helaman, the one to whom he would give the keeping of the records, did not go on the mission to the Zoramites. Alma left him home. For whatever reason, he was called to serve quietly while his (perhaps) less worthy brothers went to reclaim the apostate Zoramites with their father. I have often felt this way, left behind while others claim blessings and give service in which I long to participate. Not all the places in the garden of the Lord receive as much sunlight as others, but I believe every place has a purpose and adds beauty.

Sometimes it's hard to be asked to wait. It can feel lonely, as if the Lord has no need of you. But I have been promised that the Lord has need for every hand willing to till the earth, no matter how unskilled or inept. Whatever our own personal weaknesses, whatever our private pain, the Lord needs us. We may not all be bishops or Apostles, but the mothers and sisters, fathers and sons, ward greeters and hymnbook-retrievers can all bring beauty and joy to the Lord's kingdom.

That twenty year old man who wanted little more than to serve a mission was one of the best ward mission leaders in that area. His efforts brought more of his friends and others to the gospel of Christ than the missionaries did. He was truly called to serve at home as an instrument in the hand of God, and many were "brought to sing redeeming love" among the disciples of the Most High God.