A Friend to Hate

There is a meme that gains in popularity daily. It teaches that judgment, pain, and discomfort are bad. Tolerance, permissiveness, and acceptance are good. If we love someone, it says, we should never judge them. We should never hurt them. We should never make them uncomfortable or make them question what makes them happy. Tolerating their differences is required, celebrating them is ideal. Allowing people to do whatever makes them happy is the key to happiness. Accepting who they are will bring the most joy.

And it is all a lie.

"Acts of a friend should result in self-improvement, better attitudes, self-reliance, comfort, consolation, self-respect, and better welfare. Certainly the word friend is misused if it is identified with a person who contributes to our delinquency, misery, and heartaches. "—Marvin J. Ashton

I am in the middle of what could probably be termed the Long Chastening of my life. I have felt pain beyond what I thought I could bear. I feel separated from God, judged for my choices and found wanting. Yet all my pain and sorrow and feeling judged is nothing compared to what the Savior felt in the Garden of Gethsemane, as He suffered inexplicable pain to atone for the world while his closest friends fell asleep.

How to Help Me Stay?

There are no comments here on my previous post, but I have observed some Facebook conversations about it which made me think I definitely need to clarify.

I didn't write "How I Stay" so that I could get pity or compassion. I didn't write it to guilt people who happen to have intact and more-or-less working families, nor to tell people in wards that they're doing something wrong. I wrote it mostly to people like me: people who struggle and need some tools to fight harder for what they really, deep-down, want. But this one is to people who aren't struggling, and want to know how to help. I'm going to try my best to give you some tools to try.

The fact is that me and people like me KNOW we are different. There is nothing you can do to make us feel not-different. All your efforts in the world can't erase the pain we've felt as collateral damage in someone else's attempts to "be true to themselves" or whatever other reasons lurk behind our lives.

It's like I told a friend recently: you can't be responsible for other people's feelings. But what you can be is compassionate. And I think that's what the questions and comments are really getting at: how can you show compassion and make space for difference?

I have a few thoughts on that, but first I want to point out that "divorced people," or "people who have lost children," or "people who struggle with the Word of Wisdom," or "people who struggle with pornography," or "feminists" or whatever other category leaves someone feeling on the fringes, are first and foremost PEOPLE. Every single individual has individual needs or hopes. Don't take my word for what will help them. Ask them.

Secondly, don't expect them to tell you right away. Most of us are well aware of our other-ness. We often feel like burdens, and abhor the thought of being more of a burden. Granted, some of us accept as much help as we can get. I'm not one of those, and based on observations, I think that those who gladly consume others' resources are a vocal minority.

So, first search your own soul. Do you REALLY want to know what we need? Because it's probably going to cost you something, even if that "something" is nothing more than your own paradigm. If you really want to know what we need, you're probably going to have to ask more than once. You're going to have to show that you really mean it, and you're not just offering to assuage your own guilt at being more blessed/differently blessed/luckier than we are.

So with those caveats to what I'm about to say, here goes my attempt to give you some concrete tools. I'm not trying to share specifics of what I personally need in my situation as a divorced single parent, but to share more general tools to help approach anyone who doesn't quite fit into the standard Mormon mold. Please take what I say and apply it to whatever circumstances surround you. It may be that it doesn't help, but I hope it does.

How I Stay

It's not exactly a secret that, while I defend the Church online, I often struggle with it personally. I am a divorced, still and probably endlessly single mom. I am an opinionated and outspoken female. I am great at acquaintance-friendship, but struggle mightily trying to find the real thing. My schedule means that I say "no" far more than I should, if I were a "good Mormon woman."

Having a Hard Time

I've been thinking a lot about toxic people and negativity. If it isn't already obvious, I've had a really hard time the last five years. I've been that toxic person everyone tells you to stay away from.

I destroyed myself trying to become the wife my husband wanted me to be, dealing with having to abandon my child every day and work while watching our money vanish without knowing why. I found out my husband had a vasectomy after "trying" for several months to have another baby and fearing our failure was my fault. I subjugated all my hurt and insecurities in order to support him through our couple's counseling, thinking our marriage was getting better and healing, finding out his surgery worked and I was pregnant again, only to have it all blow up in my face beyond any redemption. I went through a divorce that completely undermined any shred of self-esteem I pretended to have.

I made a nuisance of myself to the few friends who would listen...until it got too much for them and I learned to shut myself up. I fought far beyond the limits of my own strength to preserve my faith, pretend to be strong for my children, stabilize my finances, deal with stress-related health issues during my pregnancy, try to heal from that, and finalize the divorce. Once I got through that, I had to navigate the leftover effects of fear, and the attempts at emotional onslaught through and to my children.

By a little over a year ago, it mostly settled out and I thought my efforts finally met some success and peace. But then my job went crazy, and I lost it, tried to take that loss and turn it into a chance to go back into my first field, discovered that wasn't possible, and found a (very good but not dream) job, where I have been ever since. I haven't even touched on the emotional turmoil I have gone through with trying to overcome my fear and open my heart to dating.

Now that I'm on the other side of all of it, it feels a little easier to forgive myself. It also seems impossible that most of that could have happened in only five years. No wonder the last year has found me almost completely without motivation to try with ANYTHING any more. There isn't one aspect of my life that hasn't been a fight.

Listing it like that shows me the amazing protection I have had from my Father in Heaven, the support I have had from my mom and a couple of friends, and my inner strength that I can't see when I just look at today. I am very aware of how much of a burden I have been to people in my life, how events and my struggles have left me largely stripped of all close friends but my parents, and how my normally slightly cynical but ultimately optimistic personality has really taken a beating.

It has also given me perspective to reanalyze everything I believe about God, and my relationship with Him and His children.

About Not Belonging in the Church You Belong To

When I was a teenager, my family moved to a town within the Mormon Corridor. (Western-ish U.S.) For the first time in my memory, I lived among a significant percentage of fellow Mormons. During this time, a friend of mine accused me of several things that I did not do. While no one at school believed her, some of the members of my ward did. They would whisper in the bench behind me, calling me Jezebel. My lessons in Young Women were pointedly pro-chastity. I was called into the bishop's office for a detailed interview. Fortunately, he believed me. He was the only one (besides my parents.)

This was the first time in my life that I was the target of someone's concerted manipulation of others to hurt me. Church was a nightmare for me, and I grew to hate it. But I knew that not all Mormons could be like that. A desire to prove it to myself contributed to my decision to attend BYU. There, I learned what I went to learn, that Mormons are not as cookie-cutter as people like to think, and that there were others like me who believed as I do.

But that feeling of being an outsider has never quite faded.

What Do I Do About Abuse in Others? . . . A Resurrected Email

My email for this site has apparently not been forwarding emails the way it should, so I deeply apologize for anyone who has emailed me and been ignored. It was truly not my intent. I have reason to believe it is fixed, now.

Some of you have asked what you can do to help someone who is going through abuse, or trying to get out of it. One email which was sent by Quimby, an amazing woman, apparently just after my forwarding went on the fritz, I have reproduced in part here as a perfect example of what can be said and done for someone escaping an abusive relationship.

I . . . want you to know this:
You are a very brave, courageous, strong woman for removing yourself and your children from that situation.
It will get better.
You can do this.
Any abuse that you suffered at his hands - it is NOT your fault.
A marriage breakdown that came from these circumstances - it is NOT a sin.

I also want to offer my help, in whatever way you need or want it. Do you need [anything?] Is there anything I can do to make this an easier time for you?

. . .

The most dangerous times in an abusive marriage are when you're pregnant and when you're leaving. So, be careful. If you have left your marital home and you have to go back there for any reason, make sure you have someone with you. If he's left it make sure you've changed all of the locks and have really good locks on all of the windows. (It might even be worth investigating bars or safety screens for the windows, depending on his history.) If you've left and he doesn't know where you are, try to keep it that way. Document everything. I know it often seems that restraining orders aren't worth the paper they're written on but at least that way the police have a record (and you've got a record for when it comes time for the custody hearing).

Walk tall - head held high - you will get through this. "Fake it til you feel it" - I am sure your self-esteem and self-worth has taken a battering with everything that's happened, so be good to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself lots of compliments, even if you think they are just lies (they aren't really - it's just how you feel right now).

Despite how you might feel now, you are setting a good example for your daughters. You are telling them: You are worth more than this. You do not have to put up with this. You deserve better.

And despite how you might feel now, you are setting a good example for yourself. YOU are worth more than this. YOU do not have to put up with this. YOU deserve better.

And you will find it.

This is excellent advice, every piece of it. I can see how excellent, now that I am at the other end of things. She did not let the fact that we were relative strangers keep her from opening her arms to me. She did not let the fear that she would offend me stop her from offering the support she could. She did nothing that tried to take away my agency, but she made it clear she was here to help in any way I would let her.

She is truly an amazing woman and certainly one of Christ's disciples.

Abuse and the Spirit

A recent comment on another blog got me thinking about something that I hadn't really been able to put my finger on properly before.

Emotional abuse, at its core, is the systematic destruction of a person's self confidence. Whether it is by ridiculing and name calling, or by more subtle comments made over the course of years, the effect is to weaken a person's ability to trust themselves and their perceptions.

An abuser must destroy this self-confidence because it softens the recipient of abuse for what will come next: the exploitation of self. By the time the exploitation occurs (physical violence being one of the most flashy forms of exploitation, though by no means the only one), the recipient is convinced that they either deserve what is happening to them, or they are unsure that it is happening at all. Usually, it's a strange combination of both.

The horrible aspect of this, especially for members of the Church, is that loss of self-confidence also means loss of ability to listen to the Spirit. The abuser's methods quite effectively cut a recipient off from the Spirit and the Lord before the recipient is even aware of what is happening.

And the effects can last a lifetime.

This is important to understand for any member of the Church seeking to help an abuse recipient through recovery. Often in decision-making and healing processes within the Church, the Spirit is appealed to as a source for inspiration. For a person trying to heal from abuse, the suggestion to follow their heart or follow the Spirit does little but cause frustration, desperation, and increased feelings of worthlessness.

It is vital, therefore, to help a recipient first learn to trust themselves to feel the Spirit again. If that broken relationship can be healed, the rest will come in time. This takes constant reassurance and validation. Try not to lose patience. There are changes being made that you won't be able to see for a very long time.

If you are the one recovering from abuse, you must expect that those around you who care about you will not understand your need for validation. They may get frustrated with it. Remember that they love and care about you or they would not be trying to help in the first place. They may just not know how long your road to healing is, nor realize that you are making progress that seems vast to you, but small to them.

Learn to validate yourself. Praise yourself for every time you try to listen to the Spirit, and for every step you make in overcoming fear. No one else knows what you need as much as you do. It will be frightening, terrifying to make decisions and take action based on little more than the hope that the impressions coming into your head are from the Lord. But it is vital that you do so. Start with little things, like going up and talking to someone or simply smiling at a stranger.

In time, you will be able to reforge that bond of trust in yourself that you so desperately need.

All Things are Possible

"And [Jesus] went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt."
Mark 14:35-36

The moments of Christ's greatest suffering are unrecorded, but this verse opens a small window into the deeply personal thoughts and feelings of our Savior at the time of His Atonement. It has brought me great strength to read these words at a time when I imagine I feel much as He felt. How often I have prayed to have the cup of my current situation in life taken from me, yet known by the Spirit that I have been called to drink it all—down to the very dregs.

Some wonder at the truth that God can take away pain, but does not. How could a loving Father see such suffering? I know as deeply as I have suffered of late, as broken as I have been, others—at least One Other—have suffered more, and He, unlike me, being completely innocent of any mistakes leading to that end.

Somehow, I feel I have been called to this work, to my life as it is now. I know the Spirit prompted me to make the choices which have led up to this. I hope and believe that the Lord has great blessings in store for me, that my suffering will be "but a small moment", no matter how deeply devastating it seems now.

Another of my favorite stories of the ministry of the Savior tells of a father who brings his son to be healed of what may be epilepsy. Any who have seen seizures know how frightening it can be to see someone shaking uncontrollably, especially a small babe or child. I can only imagine how it felt for that father to be so helpless in the face of his son's disease. It must have seemed like his last hope to bring his child to the Healer. Jesus does not only heal the boy, he takes a moment to heal the father as well, saying "all things are possible to him that believeth."

The father responds desperately, "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." I have prayed at times, "Father, I am so weak. I want to be strong, I want to have faith in Thy promises. Please, help me believe."

And He has.

As I look into a grey future, filled with unknowable fear and difficulty, I waver sometimes. Sometimes I see my weakness, and know I can never do this. I plead with Him to let the cup of my calling pass, but in the end I am strengthened. Good friends have come to support me from both sides of the veil. The scriptures have been an unending support. And I feel my Savior standing there, watching over me and helping me believe that to Him, all things are possible.

Friendship

As the product of a military family, I have what I have come to understand as a peculiar outlook on friendship. To me, friendship is special, something that describes a particular bonding of souls that cannot be broken by imperfection or time. A true friend is someone who accepts you for you, but drives you to be better. After decades of time apart, they are still excited to see you. My outlook is good and bad, depending on how you look at it. Not in the too far distant past it has essentially lost friends who don't think I care enough to keep contact. I don't know how to be any different, though. I hope time can teach me to keep contact better.

Friendship is mentioned in a special way in three different books of scripture when Christ calls certain people his friends. In John, Jesus says the disciples are His friends because He has chosen them and because they have done what He has commanded them to do. This is different than the common equal-to-equal friendship we are used to talking about, but Jesus says it is not simply a master-servant status because He explains His actions to us. So, even though we are clearly Christ's inferiors, we can still be His friends.

Exodus shows that Jesus will speak to His friends as we now speak with our mortal friends. A friendship between us and Christ means we can speak with Him, and walk with Him as so many prophets before have done. In D&C it says that those who are His apostles are His friends, but I would like to think this does not have to be limited to those sustained as prophets, seers and revelators. I think every one of us could cultivate our friendship with deity to this level, if we wished and if we were willing to do the Lord's commandments, even if it does not approach this level in this life.

How I would love to walk with God and have Him call me friend! I know that it may never come to pass in my small life. There is no real need for Him to part the veil for me. I have no calling to stand as a special witness, nor do I believe I ever will. That is a calling for others. However, if it is possible, I hope it will happen anyways. I miss Him. I want to be someone who could be His friend.

Over the course of my uprooted life, I have built a small group of people I still consider friends, many of whom I have lost contact with. I imagine that one day we shall all gather together and share our lives with tears and laughter. Until that day I will try to gather as many more as possible. Hopefully, Christ will be among that number—or, rather, I will be among His.

Lifting the Burden of the Depressed

Again, read the disclaimer from my last post. I'm not trying to write definitively, just illustrate a perspective.

1) Find out all you can about depression. Learn about the various types and how to recognize them. Realize that most depressed people hide it very skillfully, only letting hints peek out occasionally. (Often through self-depreciating humor.) Try to be aware and sensitive to those hints. If you are living the commandments, the Spirit will help you here.

2) Stay calm and rational if you begin to suspect someone is depressed. Otherwise, it will only show them you can't be trusted. This includes suppressing wild suggestions of obtaining therapy or medicine. Suggesting therapy is a great idea once the person is ready for it. Chances are if a person is depressed, they've already thought about therapy and rejected it for some reason. Listen first, make suggestions later. Sometimes a person just needs a listening ear before they will be ready to take action.

3) Tell them good things about themselves every chance you get. This doesn't mean fawning all over them, that's pretty transparent. But any time there is a real, positive attribute, emphasize it. Often depression fills your thoughts with worthlessness and self-criticism. It helps to have another external voice telling you that you're not so bad. Minimize the negative. Depression will fixate on any hint of criticism and expand it way out of proportion. Reinforce any negative that must be communicated with a dozen positives.

4) Make yourself slightly annoying. Push yourself into their lives (just a little). Depressives often shut out friendships, wanting to distance other people from their problems. If you can demonstrate friendship through the bad, you will seem like a real friend. Be ready for possibly harsh rejection at first. Realize that they are probably trying to protect you. If they harshly reject you, meet it with equanimity, an attitude of "No problem. Sorry I overstepped my bounds. I love you. You're a good friend. I am here for you as soon as you're ready."

5) Once they are ready, once they have verbalized their realization of a problem that needs fixing, suggest counseling. Offer to go with them as silent support. Counseling can be scary or embarrassing. It's a big step for someone to make.

6) Realize that you can't fix their problems, you can only be a support for them. Chances are, the boundaries of friendship will be pushed a little. It is a way for a depressive to test genuine friendship. If someone is violating the boundaries of friendship by coming over too often, taking over your life or refusing to leave when they ought, remember it is because they are afraid and you might be the only person they feel they can trust. Treat them gently. Rather than rejecting outright with a "go home", try to give them a "go home, but come back at [an appropriate time] tomorrow. I can't wait to see you again." Leave the door figuratively open after they leave.

7) Replace "I understand" with "I'm so sorry about that." No one - not even another depressive - really understands what it is like for another person suffering from depression. Even the depressive doesn't understand themselves fully. Show compassion, not understanding. It can be frustrating to feel that everyone around you understands you when you are lost in confusion.

8) Be ready to give support during some (often crazy) changes. Recovering from depression often means completely revamping your life. Thought patterns change, lifestyles change, even friendships change. Be there as a constant through the rough seas, and things will settle down again. Be encouraging through the changes and make sure you don't take them personally. Sometimes a person has to try out different things before finding what works.

9) Be honest. If a depressed person is becoming too much burden for you to carry and they don't seem to be doing anything about it, tell them. Tell them they have a problem you would like to help solve. Tell them you enjoy their friendship, but for this one thing that doesn't do them justice. Reinforce the limits on friendship with love. It might hurt them in the short term, but if you show that "increase of love", they will realize you are a true friend through good and evil.

10) Get counsel for yourself. Go to your bishop or look for help online. Try to find a "friends of depression" type support group in your area. Being friends with someone so needy or so solitary may be hard, but it is worth it. Get help through the rough spots. You may need it.

At any rate, I hope these ideas help someone. I welcome any other ideas out there.