Thursday, February 17, 2011

Thou Hast Not Withheld

The process by which I decided to divorce my husband was a life-altering one. Up until that time, I had, piece by piece, sacrificed everything of myself on the altar of marriage. To take all of that and sacrifice the marriage itself was difficult. The Spirit and I wrestled many nights over that decision. The Lord taught me slowly but surely that He was asking of me a sacrifice not unlike Abraham's when he was called to sacrifice his son, Isaac.

Since then, I have weathered other betrayals, predominantly by those in the Church. My attempts to sacrifice my pride and anger has lead to others discounting me, disbelieving me, and ignoring me. These betrayals are small but devastating aftershocks.

This morning, I realized that the divorce was only the beginning of my Abrahamic test.

Some tests, like Abraham's, are an event. One decision. Some people are delivered from following through with their test, as Abraham was. But sometimes the test is more subtle over a longer period of time. Sometimes you really have to make the sacrifice.

There is one thing every test has in common. You are always called upon to decide what is most important in your life. Is it resentment towards other people that might cause you to become bitter, angry, or no longer attend Church? Is it grief over your loss that you wrap around yourself like an invisibility cloak? Or is service to God, is discipleship, more important than even your own pain?

Each time I have been disappointed by my fellow Saints or by life in general, I have clearly seen a choice of two paths. I can let this turn me away from the Church, or I can choose to learn from my experience and become even more devoted to my Savior. I can gain a greater desire to serve God's children, to not be one of those so embroiled in my own life that I don't notice when someone needs me.

So for me, the sacrifice truly is everything, especially myself. The test is whether or not I will choose to still love even after the sacrifice.


  1. I love the part about choosing the Church. I think we always have a choice. Choosing what you see will continue to bring lasting happiness will bless you.

    Carry on, carry on Carry on!

  2. I'm so sorry that you are not getting love and support by fellow church members. I hope things improve.

  3. You have a tremendous attitude and insight about your life, and I appreciate you sharing it. It gets too easy to selfishly and thoughtlessly move through trials. I hope I can remember to choose to use my trials instead of being overcome by them.

  4. Thanks, SilverRain.

    Exactly, precisely, right spot on the thing needed to read this afternoon. I hate the bitterness I sometimes feel. I know that in setting my eyes square on the Savior I begin to be healed.

  5. Agreed, and I think Abraham went through the process of choice as well. You have touched on a truth, for certain.

  6. Important thoughts, friend.

    I mentioned in my talk on Sunday that there is a line in "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" (a song I absolutely love, btw) that really isn't the ideal:

    "Who, who can understand? He, only One."

    Yes, I want each individual to be able to turn to Him, ultimately, to find and feel perfect understanding - or just to have faith in the hope that He really does understand. However, the ideal is that there ALSO is someone in the here and now who can "be His hands (listening ear)", as President Uchtdorf said in his wonderful talk.

    I hope you have that in person. If you don't have that in person right now, I hope you have it here. I know I love your insights and value your thoughts DEEPLY.

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  8. Does the world want to know of your unforgiving behavior, evident in the retaliation, or would you want the world to know that Christ's infinite atonement was for all, the abused and the abusing?

  9. This is a forum for testimony and witness. Justice, thankfully, is reserved for stronger, higher hands--something Silver Rain has taught me very graciously. If one does not like the content, one is not compelled to read. There are of course multiple sides to everything, and if you wish to represent yours, you are welcome to start your own blog. Silver Rain's ex-husband, I would never recommend reading an ex's blog, and definitely not posting something like this--particularly when there are second witnesses to your own infidelity, lack of responsibility, and tactics of manipulation and misrepresentation. Please recognize this forum for what it is, for everyone's sake.

  10. When I came upon your blog, I was searching for a blog group to link my own blog for the purpose of sharing my own life's experiences, and was surprised at the post from your ex-husband. I did not want it to sound as if I was judging anyone, however, now with his post gone, and my comments left behind, it seems as if my comments were pointing at you. Not so,just wanted to give my reaction to the post, and lead others to the source of all healing, Jesus Christ.

  11. Thank you, Brenda. I really appreciate your comment. It encapsulates exactly what I would wish.

    I can't speak to the experience of someone who has abused another, feeling justified in their behavior, and then repenting and utilizing the atonement. I can only speak to what I have experienced. But I hope that my journey of healing and repentance can be applied to a broader scale, beyond my specific circumstances.

    My main goal with this blog is to demonstrate the hand of the Lord in my life. I hope it accomplishes that, even if some people do not like what I say or how I say it.


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