Monday, July 2, 2012

About Survival and Running Away

*No, I haven't seen the movie
As any of you who still read this blog have noticed, my activity in blogging has decreased dramatically. Occasionally, I write here, and VERY infrequently, I comment here or there, but I read very little and participate even less. A friend of mine, also involved in the LDS online world, has recently told me that I have "run away" from the battles here online, which has given me a great deal of painful self-reflective thought.

By way of public musing in the hope that someone, somewhere out there might find it useful, I thought perhaps I should share what has brought me to this point.

You see, once upon a time not long ago, I suddenly realized that the arguments that happen online aren't real. Lest someone get offended, let me clarify what I mean by that. Of course they are real to the people arguing them, and of course they do some good for those who are seeking information on the Church, or trying to process personal struggles within the Church. For a time, they served that purpose for me, too.

When I say they aren't real, I mean that they aren't immediate for me.

You see, I lost my marriage a few years ago. Through that, I realized that my personal resources were burned to white ash and dissipating in the wind. 

I have enough spinning plates to make a grown clown cry. I am frantically trying to save money to fix up the nasty house I was left with (and eventually for my girls' future,) juggling passive-aggression from my ex through my daughters, do a good job at work so I can feel I actually earned my pay, trying to coax a desert to bloom in my back yard so the girls can play without getting burrs in their feet, attend two different wards for my church and manage the activities from both, meet the expectations of the friends I do have (and failing, incidentally,) try to find some way to further my career, keep the house AT LEAST clean enough that I can walk in bare feet without cringing, attend the temple, trying to manage my discipleship and deep personal feelings of failure and fear, and maybe squeeze in some rejuvenation time at the expense of all the rest of it. And, just for the kind of fun that is displayed on the stage of the Universe's flame war, I found myself looking for a new job. That's just the big stuff.

Those few evenings I get off through no will of my own were once largely spent in crazy fun, trying to pretend that my heart wasn't broken. And now they're spent with a little of that, and a little of trying to find time to learn to just be quiet with myself again.

If it weren't for amazing parents and a lifesaving neighbor and a few other friends, I'd have never made it. Even so, it gets dicey at times.

I'm not running away. I'm surviving. The angst online just. Doesn't. Matter. I have enough of my own failings to staunch before I pick at the scabs of others. Sure, women aren't all they should be in the Church. So what. I'm just glad to be able to go to church at this point. So I'm single, early thirties, with very little chance of ever wanting to even dip my pinkie into the scorpion pit of marriage again. Oh, well. So, FARMS was just dissolved by some guy with power and agenda. The world will keep turning, more's the pity.

I just can't fight any battle but the ones in front of my nose right now.

Church or no, time or no, FUN or no, I have my Savior. And when all else fails, He will not fail. When the plates come crashing down, part of me might even be a bit relieved. And you know what? I'm okay with that, too.


  1. In my experience, when people tell you that you are "running away from your problems", they are just trying to guilt you into staying, rather than being interested in helping your needs. You can't run away from your problems. You can, however, divest yourself of things that you don't really need in your life, in favor of the many things you really do need.

    My own blogging has fallen off, more from not feeling like I can get my thoughts in order enough to be worth anyone else reading. Course, my commenting has also started falling off, as I'm finding that the topics aren't being worth commenting a "me too" or braving the pirahna by disagreeing.

    No worries on your frequency - those of us who follow you are just glad to see the glimpses into your life you're willing to share, and hope that you continue to do well (or even thrive) in your own life.

  2. I wish you all the best in keeping your priorities straight. Just know that you have a loyal fan-base who patiently awaits your triumphant return. :)

  3. I think the great thing about earth life is I GET TO CHOOSE. I have a hard time when people load their crap on me when my crap wagon is full, so I understand, but remember, WE FLING POO, SO SHOULD YOU! I have a friend who is desperately ill, pursuing a path of natural healing, and not getting better as fast as her other friends think she ought to be. She finds herself having to hide her true condition because people give her a hard time if she's truthful about how hard it its because otherwise they rag on her about taking prednisone and pretending she's okay. Sort of like the people who need comforting when you have a loved one pass away. What's up with that? I don't know, but it's as common as rolled up socks under the couch. Hang in there. I was spinning many of those same plates 10 years ago. It gets better (hey, I should make a video.)

  4. I'm sorry your world is so heavy right now. I'm sorry people have been unkind to you as you're trying to find your way.

    You're right. The Savior is there and always will be. God is mindful of you and your struggles and your efforts. They believe in you. The are helping you.

    As time passes, and you figure out which plates to keep spinning and which to drop, life will settle into a pattern. You will find your way. I hope this happens soon. Until then, I hope you find moments of peace and joy.

    Be kind to yourself. Realize that when others strike out it is a statement about them and where they are in life; it really has nothing to do with you. Be true to yourself -- write when you are ready.

    Thanks for sharing.

  5. You are always an inspiration, so you've got to be doing something right. Thank you.

  6. I loved this post. Thank you for being so visible in this world of the internet, that is not real as you say, but somehow your words reached me.

  7. Thank you Deila. I'm glad. That is why I still come back now and again, to be touched by others' thoughts and perspective.

  8. Great post... I am feeling a similar burden in life... One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.


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